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DW_a_mom
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11 Oct 2019, 10:11 pm

Aspie1 wrote:
Wow, so many people defending the OP like minions, and trashing her son. I guess no one but me remembers how miserable being a child/teen really is. Which clinches what I always believed: families are ruthless power structures, where the strong and the cunning live high on the hog, while the weak and the naive are trampled on. I'm very disappointed in all of you. (See what I did there? ;))

I hope the OP's son has the mental strength to tough out the remaining 4 years. Then move away, cut ties, and live as a free man. Not unlike USA broke away from England on July 4, 1776, after decades of the Sugar Act, the Quartering Act, etc. At least there was no Curfew Act requiring all colonists to be in their homes by 8:30 PM.

In a way, I feel like I brought the negative attention on myself. Mea culpa. This is, after all, the Parenting Forum. It's no different than a Hasidic rabbi walking into a mosque; he shouldn't be surprised if people are looking at him funny.

Enjoy your power over your son! I'm done with this thread!


I didn't trash her son, did I? Saying he should have at least called is not trashing him. Teenagers sometimes don't realize how important that one gesture can be to a parent. You have to tell them.

She just explained why she was worried and why she wants an earlier curfew. I would assume all that is information she has discussed with her son. Do you not think parents have a responsibility to keep their children out of situations that are potentially lethally dangerous to them?

She also explained that he currently seems fine with how she handled it. I would imagine he understands her motives better than you do.

We talked about this years ago, but when you fight with a parent like you just have you've lost any ability to influence how they choose to treat their child. I understand you post here to work out your own issues first and foremost, but I thought at least a little part of you hopes to prevent issues like yours from falling on the next generation. No one listens to someone who attacks. When you take things too far you lose your credibility. Have you forgotten that life reality? Do you really want to chase more parents away from this board?


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Last edited by DW_a_mom on 11 Oct 2019, 10:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

DW_a_mom
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11 Oct 2019, 10:16 pm

Caz72 wrote:
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Enjoy your power over your son! I'm done with this thread!


Yes good riddance


I thought coming on a parents forum on an autism site would be a good idea but some of the people in this thread are accusing me of being a bad parent
also I have already explained in this thread somewhere about my circumstances with my son but do people only read just the first post in every thread ?
also this is the last time il use parents discussion for advice on how to parent a neurotypical child If im going to be badmouthed by childless people who think they are supernanny


Aspie1 doesn't think he's super nanny. He believes all parents thrive on exerting power over their children without considering the child's needs, because that is how he feels his parents were. His comments had nothing to do with your being ASD and your child being NT, and everything to do with his continued frustration over his own parent's actions. Something you wrote apparently struck a nerve, hitting home somehow. Why it did isn't really your issue; it's his.

I apologize if anything I wrote seemed critical. All any of us can do is share how things look from our own unique perspectives, but only you can know which views actually fit your situation because only you are actually in it. Posts on Aspie forums tend to be very outspoken. But posters are also quite happy to have you decide they've got it wrong. As long as everyone is nice about it.

I am glad that your son seems to have understood why you took the actions you did. Smart and caring kids do learn as we try to explain and teach. We can argue all day about the best methods, but long run it only matters what works in your unique relationship.


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Borromeo
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11 Oct 2019, 11:02 pm

Caz72 wrote:
Where I live has a high crime rate and a lot of the crime is caused by kids under 18 up to no good late at night either that or kids under 18 out late at night are sometimes the victims of crimes and it all makes me worry
hes an neurotypical teen so I understand he likes to be hanging out with his mates after school and I even gave him some money to get a mcdonalds and specificly told him to be home by 8.30 or 9 at the very latest and yes he had his mobile phone with him but instead he came home at 11.30 and wouldnt answer his mobile phone
so I had work the next morning but couldnt go to sleep til he was home and when he did answer his phone I told him to come home and yes I was angry cos what parent wouldnt be ?
he knew I was going be angry and he said he put his mobile phone in his mates bag so he could play football and didnt realise the time so I just told him hes not to go out or have friends over til sunday he seemed ok with it as long as he had his xbox which I allowed
he did learn his lesson and has been coming home at the time I say

what worries me is the boys hes hanging out with I think one boy seems ok but the others seem to be able to roam around the streets all night like their parents dont care
I dont know their parents and I dont do social media


You seem like a great Mom! :D Always wishing the best.



SaveFerris
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12 Oct 2019, 7:11 am

Caz72 wrote:
also this is the last time il use parents discussion for advice on how to parent a neurotypical child If im going to be badmouthed by childless people who think they are supernanny


Don't let anyone stop you from posting for advice here Caz :)

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Teach51
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12 Oct 2019, 9:14 am

Hi OP you will work it out :D

I wrote a contract of rules and regulations with my son when he was a teen, who has severe ADHD, composed and authorised mutually, signed and put in a prominent position on the fridge, concerning curfews, friends boundaries, money, property, obligations, privileges and food for his friends. We worked it out together and found an acceptable format, but I was presenting each necessary rule. I gave more flexibility at the weekends. Homework before video games ( well Super Mario was the trend then).


Clear boundaries are a must for teens. The cause and effect is clear in a contract. Remembering to hug them if they f..k up is so important, together with the punishment, then they know they may have made a mistake but they are still loved. I screamed like a banshee when my kids were young, I am much nicer with my grandkids.


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kraftiekortie
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27 Oct 2019, 3:56 pm

Parents have to be strong....even if they don’t want to be.

Setting boundaries is essential.

I find that Teach’s fridge proposal would be right up my alley were I a parent.

Caz. Please don’t feel bad. I think you did okay. Make sure you hug your son sometimes—to show him that you care about him.



Aspie1
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28 Oct 2019, 8:36 am

Teach51 wrote:
I wrote a contract of rules and regulations with my son when he was a teen, who has severe ADHD, composed and authorised mutually, signed and put in a prominent position on the fridge, concerning curfews, friends boundaries, money, property, obligations, privileges and food for his friends. We worked it out together and found an acceptable format, but I was presenting each necessary rule. I gave more flexibility at the weekends. Homework before video games ( well Super Mario was the trend then).
The problem with contracts between parents and kids is the inequitable enforcement. If the child breaches the contract, he will get grounded, lose his TV "privileges" (notice the quotes), not be able to eat dessert, and whatever other punishments the parent can come up with, enough to make the Geneva Convention members shudder in fear. (Relax, all of you! I'm being facetious here.) If the parent breaches the contract, nothing will happen; they're the parent, after all. He who makes the rules can break them at will.

"If you kept the small rules, you could break the big ones." (Julia, quoted in "1984" by George Orwell) Hmm... 8)



kraftiekortie
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28 Oct 2019, 9:28 am

The parent must make sure to set a good example. The parent MUST keep his/her part of the bargain.

Otherwise, contracts are useless.



Aspie1
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28 Oct 2019, 10:03 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
The parent must make sure to set a good example. The parent MUST keep his/her part of the bargain.

Otherwise, contracts are useless.
"Good example", my foot! Parent/child contracts are a non-starter from the get-go: they're mandatory only for the child and optional for the parent. Why? There is no neutral authority penalizing the parent(s). What's the parent's penalty be for breach of contract? Exactly: absolutely nothing!

That's why I think conventional families are broken, oppressive institutions, and must be abolished. And like the cliched mantra "Be the change you wish to see in this world" goes, I'm doing so by never starting my own family. This way, I will never become one of the oppressors (ahem, OP) I want to see abolished.



DW_a_mom
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30 Oct 2019, 6:09 pm

Aspie1 wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
The parent must make sure to set a good example. The parent MUST keep his/her part of the bargain.

Otherwise, contracts are useless.
"Good example", my foot! Parent/child contracts are a non-starter from the get-go: they're mandatory only for the child and optional for the parent. Why? There is no neutral authority penalizing the parent(s). What's the parent's penalty be for breach of contract? Exactly: absolutely nothing!

That's why I think conventional families are broken, oppressive institutions, and must be abolished. And like the cliched mantra "Be the change you wish to see in this world" goes, I'm doing so by never starting my own family. This way, I will never become one of the oppressors (ahem, OP) I want to see abolished.


My husband and I used to put ourselves in timeout just to show the kids that adults DO face consequences, too. Reality is that parents face many, many consequences when they act poorly, but most aren't visible to children. We felt it was necessary for the children to SEE it.


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Aspie1
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30 Oct 2019, 9:56 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:
My husband and I used to put ourselves in timeout just to show the kids that adults DO face consequences, too. Reality is that parents face many, many consequences when they act poorly, but most aren't visible to children. We felt it was necessary for the children to SEE it.
The consequences parents voluntarily self-inflict are a cakewalk compared to the consequences forcefully inflicted on kids. Not to mention, the parents can down a shot of whiskey prior to their own consequences, to make them go by easier. Right? Right?

But I digress. Funny story. In 6th grade social studies, when we were studying the Magna Carta, there was a homework assignment: "draw up the Magna Carta for your own family". I found the assignment too traumatizing to actually go through with. So I used an underhanded tactic: I pretended not to understand the idiom "draw up", and actually drew a Magna Carta. I drew a vertical rectangle with a title saying "[Last Name] Magna Carta", squiggly lines standing in for text, and a seal of approval at the bottom. I even lightly shaded it with tan pencil, for that sepia look.

The teacher wrote C- and "see me" on the assignment. When I went up to her, I "explained" that I didn't understand what "draw up" meant. She offered me a chance to redo the assignment for a higher grade, but I declined. She said OK, but told me to use a dictionary next time I don't understand textbook instructions. I figured I could "drown out" that C- with A's and B's elsewhere. But actually writing my family's Magna Carta would be too traumatizing. Either that, or I'd get called into the school psychologist's office for what I might write there, who'd tell my parents and get me in trouble at home.



Last edited by Aspie1 on 30 Oct 2019, 9:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Caz72
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30 Oct 2019, 10:28 pm

I havent been here for awhile but found this thread is still going with still some offending stuff being said to me t how do I get a thread locked ?


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Aspie1
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30 Oct 2019, 10:35 pm

Caz72 wrote:
how do I get a thread locked ?
Why?
First Amendment to the United States Constitution wrote:
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
What we're doing is having a debate on a forum. The US law says it's OK. See: https://www.law.cornell.edu/wex/forums.



Aspie1
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30 Oct 2019, 10:45 pm

Caz72 wrote:
why do you think?
In the words of my therapist, "you tell me". ;)

Caz72 wrote:
yes I am horrible for being autistic and loving my son
I'd explain why I think that's false, but other posters did enough as it is. So instead, think about George Washington and year 1776. Why was he so fervent in leading America to independence? Here's why: (1) Sugar Act, (2) Quartering Act, (3) Stamp Act, (4) Tea Act, and (5) Intolerable Acts. England loved the power, I'm sure. Although, those Acts were also about revenue collection to fund the infrastructure in the 13 Colonies. But America wanted the freedom to govern itself. There's a reason why it drinks coffee instead of tea. (*cough* Boston Tea Party *cough*)

See any parallels?



Caz72
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31 Oct 2019, 8:25 am

Im still not going to post in parents discussion from now on....I do not like being called horrible it hurt my feelings and I have enough of that from bullies at work


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