Son Asking for Social Security Number

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It seems he does need his number. If you two argue every time you try to explain things to him, perhaps you might send him a good, clear article on why one doesn't share one's social security number, and maybe some information about scams.

Better to let your kid mess up his own life than to mess it up for him. If he messes up his own life, at least he can learn from *that*.

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Let me ask you all this and the OP this. Why should an employer hire your child and the rest of us? What makes any of us special amongst the other applicants who would apply? What value do any of us and your child bring to an organization?

Ya, I have computer smarts. I can program. But, the truth of the matter is this. So can others. Some just as good as me some even better. And, they're NTs who have better communication skills then myself and others here on wrongplanet. Better communication skills is defined by them since we're an extreme minority.

If you're a parent step out of the role of a parent for a moment and ignore the love you have for your autistic child for the given moment. Step into the role of a businessman and/or business owner of an organization. If you saw similar issues for a prospective candidate that you deal with on a constant basis for your child would you hire them especially if someone without those issues would be a lot more productive?

If you wouldn't, then why in the living f**k would insist your child be employed at all and play the whole competitive employment game at all? Wouldn't it make more sense to either save up for him with some kind of trust fund or start your own business and hire them yourself since you'd be able to manage their issues a lot better then any of these other employers could?

The truth of the manner is all of these employers are going to do the things that will benefit them. These employers are a business and their number 1 concern is to stay in business. Will your autistic child be an asset or a liability? That's what you need to think about?

The truth of the matter is:

Is that most parents can't afford to set up trust funds for their kids.

I understand. And, this is my opinion and most people aren't going to like what I have to say.

My response would be then why are having a child in the first place if you as a parent can't afford to save up for the most negative of circumstances for your child?

I'm sorry Kraftie but if a person is living paycheck to paycheck and is not able to save up for themselves then why are you getting married or even thinking about dating at all? If a couple can't afford to save up for a child including the possibility of the child not being able to support themselves then why are you as a couple having the child

When the children were younger did parents not ask themselves what if my child could never be independent? What then? Did they not think of this at all? What is the contingency plan if that child who is 5-7 and diagnoised with a disability will always be dependent?

The truth is:

It's because people want to find love. And want to find a companion in life.

It's selfish, yes. But it's true.

Very few men and women think about finances when they are in young love.

True

I've done a lot of hiring. The process is like putting pieces into a puzzle. Or gears into a machine. You cannot put an edge piece into the middle of the puzzle, or a middle piece into the edge. Sure, some pieces are more essential to the process than others, or cut more uniquely and more difficult to find. But ultimately you are looking for the unique combination of skills and personality that will function best in the machine that is your company. It isn't about who is "better" than anyone else; it is about who is cut in the way that will best fit your unique company. For that reason, it is a good thing that everyone is different. Whether any individual child will be an asset or a liability will depend on the machine you try to place them inside.

Sorry, that analogy most definitely does make people sound like commodities, and I don't mean to suggest people are. Clearly I've oversimplified, but it is an analogy people seem to be able to understand. The vast majority of people, including those with conditions considered to be disabilities, are capable of thriving if employed into the right situation. The trick is finding that situation.

Overall, I fear we've diverged a whole lot from the OPs original question. Let's be honest: NONE of us are INSIDE the dynamics of his family, or knowledgeable about the level of maturity delay his son is truly experiencing. My instinct was that the OP needed to be challenged on his assumptions, and so I provided a challenge. I'm not going to say here that I judge him to be wrong. There is a lot of real estate in between believing someone could benefit from a push on their assumptions, and someone being completely wrong in how they are handling things. Long run all of us can become better parents when we allow our thinking and assumptions to be challenged. All I ask of anyone is to THINK about what I've said, instead of reacting instinctively against it. I worry that we've gone so far off track and expressed so many strong, negative opinions that we've scared him away for good. That would be counter productive. He has a difficult situation and I would hope we can find a way to actually help.



Absolutely. This is a very, VERY hard concept for a parent, but it is even a harder lesson to have to learn from experience.

Last edited by DW_a_mom on 09 Dec 2019, 9:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You don't get to control what skills your child will be born with. There is always risk in ANY family that a child won't ever be able to live independently. Most people are capable of finding some sort of road that will work for their child, but no one knows what they are actually capable of until they have to live it. I don't think there is a whole lot of benefit to trying to pre-plan for any of it; life is far too contingent. Having kids is a process that shows you exactly how little you can control in this life, IMHO. If someone isn't ready for that ride, that is when I say they should not have children. You can't guarantee your child will be healthy. You can't guarantee they will love you. You can't guarantee you will be a good parent. You can't guarantee one single little thing in this journey. Most of us learn that fast in the process of pregnancy, giving birth, and marveling at your infant. It is the people who don't learn that that I worry most about.




I believe that most of us have children because having children makes life feel more complete. It comes from an instinct to preserve the species, I suppose. Still, children have been designed to be adorable so that protecting them and caring for them feels natural, and to force us to fall in love with them. It's all built in by nature. As the needs of the world we live in change, so does the instinct to have children, I've noticed. More young adults are choosing to stay permanently childless. Not everyone gets the same instincts, but it is pretty fascinating to watch how nature and instinct work. I don't for one minute believe it is all naturally a control game. Parents have no real control, when it comes down to it. They just have more control than their children do. That doesn't say much, IMHO. As I've noted, trying to play a power game is destined to failure.

Something else I'd like to add. You enjoy having power over your son. I get it. Power feels good (and it corrupts), and you're only human. But think about it: is your own cheap thrill worth keeping your son dependent and disempowered? Wouldn't you rather give your son his Social Security number, so he can apply for jobs, earn his own income, and become an autonomous, independent person? Besides, your son will turn 18 next year. He will be well within his rights to go to the police, report his Social Security card stolen, and have an armed officer retrieve his card from you? Which I'm sure will do damage to your relationship with him.

Don't let the cheap allure of power over another person blind you; think long term. If you must look at it from a power angle, look at it this way: If you let him have his Social Security number and give him an illusion of freedom, you can manipulate him into living at home during college, and have power over him for another 4 years! How cool is that? Huh, huh? As opposed to him moving out and joining the Armed Forces at age 18, just to get away from you.

That's not the only reason. Children are weak, and our society strips them of every last shred of independence, so that makes parents feel POWERFUL. That power is as alluring as all the cuteness in the world. Sheer, unadulterated power over a weak, defenseless child is intoxicating in ways that makes the strongest liquor taste like plain water in comparison. That's the main reason why people have kids, rather than get a kitten or a puppy, even though pets are just as cute, if not cuter than human babies.

Honestly, I don't know if it is a good idea for me to father a child. I've had major difficulty with the workplace. And, Aspie1 brings up excellent points and I've thought through a number of things before I encountered Aspie1 on here. In my quest to protect my child would I stunt him and lord power over him/her? I don't want others to have control over my child especially other employers and their livelyhood. On the other hand, would I become the very thing I seek to protect the child from?

“Beware that, when fighting monsters, you yourself do not become a monster... for when you gaze long into the abyss. The abyss gazes also into you.”

― Friedrich W. Nietzsche

How do I protect my child from those who seek to hold power over him/her including myself? Because, I'm compromised from my own negative experiences. I will carry that to my child.

Just to clarify, my last post was directed at the OP, not you. But you brought up a good point. Many, if not all, parents become the very demons they want to protect their children from, when they're doing the protecting.

That's one of the reasons I decided to never have kids. Because otherwise, my kid will join the US Marines on their 18th birthday. Then, he/she will write a letter home, telling me how laid-back the drill sergeant is compared to me.

There are qualities that some but not all Aspies possess that make us highly desirable. We have the ability to grow into non-conformist if we can grow a thick enough hide. As Friedrich Nietzsche once said:

The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.

* We tend to be honest and loyal employees.

* We tend to be highly focused. We can block out all distractions and perform quite a bit of work in a short timeframe. We can go the extra mile to meet a deadline.

* We call a spade a spade and not sugar coat it. We give an honest assessment.

* We can think out of the box and discover solutions to problems that others have missed.

* We can learn to become quite resourceful.

Ok, find me a place where I can work at, they're willing to hire me and I can be myself both the positive and negative and I will sell you a bridge in dumpwater Fl.



The thing is though do they want our honesty? How will they interpret and react to our honesty? If one of the managers or bosses comes up to you, asks you how he is doing as a manager or boss and you tell him he is not that good and you state out why how will he react? Is he going to self-reflect or will you get the axe(fired) with a quickness? The English system was started by the French King. If they criticized his system even if he asked for review they would get their heads chopped off.

Honesty is an excellent trait if a society or person values that honesty and not gives lip service to it.



This is true for some.



Refer to the first one.



That's if they will accept your solution. And, sometimes the solution may be to keep the status quo or there are no solutions to a given problem. But, they could turn around and say you're a not a team player or accuse you of being to negative. With the negative part it's not just employers but others as well.

People in our society and possibly others can't or won't accept the idea that some problems simply have no solutions.

Goldfish, a member on here, told a story about a miner and a crew who got work that would last a week. He found a solution to a problem that would make it efficient and cut it down to a day. The guy wasn't praised for it and given any awards or any kind of recognition at all. He and his crew were let go because they weren't needed anymore. But, if they did the process the way they were instructed to do they would have been hired on permanently.

So, he was punished by losing out on an opportunity and the rest of the crew were pissed at him. In other words, sometimes thinking outside the box can be to our detriment and may not be a good quality at all.


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True! But, if one misses the bigger picture like we aspies tend to do more then likely we will produce garbage results.

And, do employers today want those who are critical thinkers, think outside the box types anyway or is it a slogan they use and they're just paying lip service? What is it that employers really want vs what they say they want? They say they want people who critically think and think outside the box but my impression is they simply want drones, team players, conformists.

So, are these really good qualities or are they detriments in today's team player oriented, conformist based workplace?

How are they going to see you? Are they going to see you as you see yourself and as we see ourselves or as being entitled who does not respect the culture and their authority?

As for loyalty, are these companies going to be loyal to you or are they going to look after their own interests first? I'm sorry but I'm not going to be loyal to a company for years and then get shitted upon which happens to a number of people. These companies are in the business of making money. That's their top priority no matter what they tell you. Their interests will be the customer first if they want to remain in business. If you as the aspie are a liability to their profit margins you will lose.

In other words, you are basically saying:
- "I will not be honest."
- "I won't think out of the box."
- "I won't be a critical thinker."
- "I am not going to be loyal."
And then, you say: "Please hire me."

Is there any surprise that you don't get a job?