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JennaKirby04
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07 Mar 2022, 6:02 am

Hello,
My husband is autistic and is always claiming that I am too, although I haven't been diagnosed, we have a son together, I was wondering what the possibility of our son being autistic too? A lot of my husbands family are autistic but on different ends of the spectrum.

My husband and I think very differently and it causes a lot of arguments between us, is there anything we can do to help each other understand our views and opinions without having an argument or disagreement? He has high functioning autism and is sometimes very difficult to be with. We have conversations about his needs all of the time and I struggle to understand the way he describes things sometimes. Any tips on how we can work together so I can understand him better?

sorry if any of this is not making sense... :( :( :(



timf
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07 Mar 2022, 7:28 am

Neurological variation can present in many different and sometimes surprising ways.

What is now called Autism can affect communication. This can be difficult to sort out in addition to some of the more natural difficulties people have in communication between men and women.

The key is going to be for both parties to be patient and willing to explain. Since sometimes autism manifests in a disinclination to converse, this can make things even more difficult.

It might be helpful to agree to some "mechanical aids". For example, if there is repeated difficulty in one approach to communication, you might both agree to institute a system whereby one party can raise his hand to ask for clarification or additional information. It sounds a little foolish, but such arrangements can allow for
a subject to be clarified as opposed to otherwise suffering in silence.

The key to making things at first manageable and even enjoyable is to work out a way to solve problems.



DW_a_mom
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19 Mar 2022, 8:55 pm

I like timf's tips on communication, although the one thing I might add is to make sure you both know how to really LISTEN to each other. Not listen to figure out how to formulate a response, but listen to understand what is in the other person's mind. Most people are prone to do much more of the former than the later, and it is good to be aware of that as you work towards improving communication.

Onto the genetic question...

It is believed that autism has a genetic component, but there is no certainty on what that means to any unique couple. I assume the worry is having a child that could be extremely limited by their ASD, but I think the odds there aren't super high even with the ASD history in the families. But, as with any prospective parent, when you make the decision to have a child, you are rolling dice. I believe it is best to enter the process simply willing to love and raise the child you get. Nothing in parenthood goes as expected; nothing. Even when it seems like you've got your child figured out, they'll do something to surprise you. The joy should be in discovering the unique gift that is the person you've been blessed with, even if that means accepting your life will be full of hardship and challenge. The adventure that is parenting is not something that can be controlled IMHO, so the sooner everyone accepts that, the better. Still, I know it's hard not to worry what the child will be like, and what kinds of challenges you will face. But if you let the fear make deep roots, you'll never choose to have a child; there are too many valid things to worry about to not have them crush you. You don't have to choose to have a child, of course; choosing to live as a couple without raising children is a valid choice. But you should choose, not let fear drive you.


_________________
Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).


Minuteman
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29 Mar 2022, 11:01 am

DW_a_mom wrote:
It is believed that autism has a genetic component, but there is no certainty on what that means to any unique couple. I assume the worry is having a child that could be extremely limited by their ASD, but I think the odds there aren't super high even with the ASD history in the families. But, as with any prospective parent, when you make the decision to have a child, you are rolling dice. I believe it is best to enter the process simply willing to love and raise the child you get. Nothing in parenthood goes as expected; nothing. Even when it seems like you've got your child figured out, they'll do something to surprise you. The joy should be in discovering the unique gift that is the person you've been blessed with, even if that means accepting your life will be full of hardship and challenge. The adventure that is parenting is not something that can be controlled IMHO, so the sooner everyone accepts that, the better. Still, I know it's hard not to worry what the child will be like, and what kinds of challenges you will face. But if you let the fear make deep roots, you'll never choose to have a child; there are too many valid things to worry about to not have them crush you. You don't have to choose to have a child, of course; choosing to live as a couple without raising children is a valid choice. But you should choose, not let fear drive you.


Agree totally.

As far as I know there's no conclusive scientific proof that autism is hereditary, although there is strong anecdotal evidence. I wouldn't let this stop you. If you want kids, go for it.



Reikistar
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30 Mar 2022, 3:54 am

I can't really help on the communication side of things; my ex was autistic as am I, but he had a lot of other issues as well and refused to communicate. I wonder if seeking marriage guidance might help? It's great for working out how to find ways of communicating.

I believe autism is genetic judging by mine and others' experiences. As you have a child already, what will be will be. If you didn't I would say there's a strong chance because my son is very severely autistic and myself and my ex are both autistic, plus my dad and uncle. If I'd stayed with my ex I wouldn't have had another child due to the possibility of another who is severely autistic. If I was still childbearing age and was in a relationship I don't think I'd have another child anyway due to the risk.