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Jon81
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10 Apr 2022, 2:46 pm

Not really sure what the question was. All I can say is that NT kids come across as far more autistic than my own kids when we're out "socializing". For example; if my oldest son wants to initiate jumping together on a bouncy castle the NT will react to this totally normal approach like he's a freak. When I was young you could team up with any kid you just met and become friends over a day. These kids just shy away. Very frustrating when you try to help with social skills or interaction. Parents are not very helpful either. Shying away for no obvious reason and it's not because they can tell something is up with our kids.


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SocOfAutism
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24 Apr 2022, 9:09 am

I'm not sure I remember what my question was, either. I think I just wanted to get a discussion going. I don't often get to hear observations from people about kids who are not their own because it's "not polite." But, as usual, I am interested, regardless of what is polite.

Our unofficial mom group has grown to include a girl down the street who offered me pot within 15 minutes of meeting me and had a black eye. But she seemed very sweet and engaged in the effort to network with us and keep the kids safe and playing outside together.

I have a tracking device on my son so I can one way listen to him and see his location at all times. Otherwise I would be wary of him playing in blackeye mom's yard without me there.

I have noticed that my son is interacting better, obeying us more, playing less video games, being more imaginative, and generally being healthier while running around on the perceived loose with these kids. The money we had to spend to secure his location and the yard is equalling out because we are spending less on therapy and sports.



Mona Pereth
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24 Apr 2022, 1:31 pm

SocOfAutism wrote:
The girls are all 9-12 and they tried to talk to me about kid lesbians and bisexuals at their school. I said that's not okay- kids should not be into that at your age. Don't hang out with people who are talking like that to you. That's mean! said one of them. The others looked relieved. But why are they speaking about this with me, I am wondering?

What precisely are you objecting to here? Any talk about sexual attraction at all, or specifically talk about same-sex attraction? Or gossip/speculation about other kids' sexual attractions, whatever they might be?

You wording came off as objecting specifically to same-sex attraction, but I'm wondering if that's what you really meant.

I agreed that 9 to 12 is a bit early for talk about sexual attraction, of any kind, and that they shouldn't be gossiping about it, especially with random adults.


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Ettina
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30 Apr 2022, 8:37 am

Mona Pereth wrote:
I agreed that 9 to 12 is a bit early for talk about sexual attraction, of any kind, and that they shouldn't be gossiping about it, especially with random adults.


That's the usual age for kids to start feeling sexual attraction. And it can be really dangerous for kids to be trying to deal with new emotions they don't understand without any adult guidance.

Whether OP is an appropriate person for them to seek such guidance from is another matter. But unfortunately many kids don't feel safe talking about these subjects with parents or teachers, especially if they're not straight or questioning whether or not they're straight. So they'll end up broaching the subject with adult acquaintances, especially adults who've offered them good advice or been a good listener in other contexts.



SocOfAutism
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08 May 2022, 7:42 am

Mona- At that point, I didn't think the girls knew me well enough to bring up a subject like that with me. I don't think I made that clear in my first post. I DO think it is normal for kids to talk about that stuff amongst themselves and PERHAPS trusted adults...? The trusted adults part was what I was not sure about, so I wanted the opinion of others. But keep in mind that when I first posted I had just met these kids.

The kids have continued to hang out over here. I think they have been good for all of us. Their diversity adds to the perfection of our collective ;)



SocOfAutism
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27 May 2022, 10:22 am

I'm not sure if anyone is still interested, but there was an incident yesterday with this group of children. I figured this would still be the thread in which to mention it. I have not had to handle something like this before. I guess time will tell how it goes over.

I was doing some heavy yard work in front of my son, now 8, and his two male friends, also 8. My son and one of the other friends both have ADHD, and the other little boy, as far as I know, is NT. I am NT but have a neurological disorder similar to ALS or Parkinson's, of which the children are well aware. Sometimes my neuro symptoms are so bad I can barely walk, and the children have all seen this, recently even.

I said to my son out of earshot of the others, "Do you think you could help me carry some of these sticks up the hill? Maybe your friends could help too?" Immediately he went to get his friends and said, "Hey guys, we have to help my mom carry some sticks!" I did not hear their reply, but I heard my son say again, "We have to!"

No one, not even my son, ended up carrying a single stick. I carried four loads up the hill, huffing and puffing, as they were right next to me, swinging idly on the swingset and chatting. I came back for the final load, which was a few small logs. As I walked up, the other two boys were repeatedly making a noise that they knew my son was sensitive to. My son was clapping his hands over his hears and shouting for them to stop it. The other two boys smiled and made the noise again. The NT "leader" boy looks at me, grins, and says, "He doesn't like it when we say [noise]!"

I was absolutely enraged. The NT boy and his family are supposedly fundamentalist Christians. Both boys and their families are somewhat poor and my family is not. I grew up very poor but my husband and I are not poor now. We are quite generous to these boys in many ways, simply because it is the right thing to do. I am NOT a Christian, but I do believe the principals should be respected. I was so mad that they would bully my son right in front of me, while also openly not lifting a finger to help me.

I said, "Do you want to know another word that some people don't like to hear? GOD****." The NT boy's face drained of color. As another NT, I do freely admit I felt full satisfaction seeing this reaction on this boy's face. Then I explained to all three boys that it is not right to bully or use words that bother another person, especially your friend. Then I spent some time saying how disappointed I was that they chose not to help me, an older person, a mom, a woman, who needed help. Especially if they professed to be Christians. The ADHD boy piped up and said he was not, in fact, a Christian. :/ Okay, young man, whatever. I told them I would not mention any of this to their parents, but I wanted them to have a talk with their respective fathers, including my son with my husband, about what young men should do when they see a person who need help.

ADHD boy jumped up and hauled the rest of the logs. My son helped. NT boy stood up and helped once a log was put in his hands. I doubt they will actually talk about it with their dads. Maybe all I did was draw a line in the sand to show what behavior is acceptable at my house. I don't know.

I am so used to being around autistic people, I guess with a smattering of ADHD people. It breaks my heart sometimes to deal with NT people. It is like I am awake on some other level, that other person is awake on that level as well, and I want to say, I SEE YOU...I know what you are doing...and you can not fool me like you can fool your ADHD and autist friends...But you can't hold this kind of thing against children. These are all normal developmental steps for them I guess and I need to keep reminding myself of that.

Sigh.

Sorry for the long rant. There are not many places where I am able to discuss "NT behavior" where there are any other people who understand.



Pteranomom
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27 May 2022, 1:03 pm

For what it's worth, I have... well, my aspie 12 year old and then the rest of my kids. And sometimes it is my 12 year old saying things that he knows annoy his siblings, and sometimes his little sister saying things that she knows annoy him. It seems like I have to explain the balance between "please don't do things that you know annoy your siblings" and "look, sometimes people are going to say things you don't like and you can't control them" every day. Kids are still learning empathy and manners and have their own kid-world.



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31 May 2022, 10:38 pm

SocOfAutism wrote:

I said to my son out of earshot of the others, "Do you think you could help me carry some of these sticks up the hill? Maybe your friends could help too?" Immediately he went to get his friends and said, "Hey guys, we have to help my mom carry some sticks!" I did not hear their reply, but I heard my son say again, "We have to!"



I'm guessing that things went wrong when your son translated your request to "we have to!" It seemed to have kicked in their rebellion instincts. This is only my guess, of course.

I suspect you would have gotten a better result if you had said something like "boys, my health issues are really bothering me today. Could you all carry some sticks up the hill, please? I'd be ever so grateful." Lure them in with honey, make them feel important, instead of like they are being bossed around.

Anyway. Just something to try next time.


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