Moral dillema I need advice about (long post, sorry :) )

Page 1 of 1 [ 1 post ] 

Do you tell the autistic guy he's being used/marriage is fake?
Yes 100%  100%  [ 1 ]
No 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
Tell his mom let her decide 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
Total votes : 1

Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: 24 Mar 2023
Age: 46
Gender: Male
Posts: 1

08 Oct 2023, 5:43 am

Hi folks,

Thanks for reading this, I know this is a big post and I appreciate the effort/advice.

I need some advice badly about a moral problem I’m having, and parents of people with autism I think are the best to ask about this one... I’m not a parent myself, I’m 46 and have high functioning autism.

I’m in a super f’ed up situation. My best friend Nina, known her 30 years (since she was a kid), bailed on my friendship, totally ghosted with no explanation. I didn’t do anything, quite the opposite, she knows I’m probably the nicest, most truthful person she knows… and I know her better than anyone really… but that’s why she did it, it seems.

She is bipolar and does really crappy stuff to people sometimes. Without going into excessive detail, as her best friend we talked a ton, I hear things, details other people including her family don’t. I’m also friends with her whole family, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc… They're my second family really. Thanks to autism, I also have the gift of remembering crazy small details/timelines/etc.

That’s the problem.

She did something, super sh***y, and she knows if she continues to include me in her life, I’ll put the dots together and may, unintentionally give away what she’s doing, which could cause big problems for her. So, she totally ghosted me from her life without warning or explanation… She doesn’t know, I already know about this stuff.

Between talking to family/friends and knowing what I know about her, this is what’s going on…

Long story short, she was getting evicted, 6-months of notice. When she got that, she didn’t have any other options so she hooked up with this autistic guy she used to work with, knowing its an easy place to get into. She was initially playing it super slow, she had 6 months left to pay on her lease, and acting like its just a slow natural relationship...

Makes it so it would seem natural, when her lease was up in 6 months, she’d have things progressed far enough with him, it would seem natural to move in after 6 months or so, but something happened to mess her plan up.

I love her, but she is a master manipulator (very bipolar, uses people constantly, and basically a compulsive liar, etc…) … Having known her since she was a kid, our relationship is different and she’s never really done that kinda stuff with me. I’m usually the one who hears/knows the truth about all her BS… lol … Sad though, even her mom feels bad for the guys she ends up with because of what she does to them…

Ive watched her destroy sooo many dudes over the years. I hate she does it, but its part of her disability, she’s bipolar, totally unmedicated/out of control, and does bipolar things… I also think some drugs are involved at this point too, but she won’t admit to that, even to me.


She knew this autistic guy she used to work with, he’s on disability now, but he inherited a house of his own, so it’s a pretty comfortable place to live… Plenty of room for her and her kid….

She’s using him for a place to live… Not the end of the world I guess, but it gets worse...

Side note, another long story short, due to the way things played out and what she’s doing I’ve decided it’s time to end my friendship with her officially. I don’t deal with ghosting well, especially as someone whose always been there for her for 30 years… Especially if its to hide what she’s doing with this particular guy… the way things have played out is too much.

Here’s the moral problem I’m having though… 3 months into her eviction timeline, her pipes broke in the bathroom of place she was living, so she decided she had to speed up moving in with this dude without raising any suspicions/making it seem like she was using him for a place to stay…

Tricky, cuz they basically just started “officially” dating like a few weeks earlier. Like I said, she was planning on riding out her lease another 3 months so she wasn’t rushing things (especially since she really had no real interest in him anyway) ….

So, she got him drunk, manipulated him into proposing and getting married like a week later. Boom, instant relocation to a new place to live. Seems natural, “his idea”, drunk decision but “hey, why not?!” … Made it seem like it was just a spontaneous crazy fun thing. Which does happen, Vegas is full of'm. :)

But, as her best friend, I can tell you, she’s NEVER had interest in marrying anyone, we’ve had many long talks about that kinda stuff over the years…

Anyway, being drunk and making him think it was his idea was just her way of speeding up the timeline so she could move in fast without it seeming desperate/weird. It’s just love, and “his idea” after-all!! She’s super cute, has a super fun personality, and is very good at manipulation, so I’d bet this was actually easy, even fun for her.

Here’s the problem though… The correct paperwork didn’t get signed, so they’re not officially even married, but he doesn’t realize it. He thinks she sent the wedding paperwork in, they’re officially married, etc… (I’m friends with the minister who married them, and she’s mad about that as well)…

You see, Nina is an ordained minister herself. She knows exactly what paperwork needed to be done, but she intentionally didn’t do it/submit it.

She manipulated him into believing they’re married so she could move in quickly… She’s using him, and inevitably she’s going to destroy him when she leaves him. (she does it to everyone, literally who she’s dated) … Conveniently, there won’t need to be a divorce.

As someone with autism, who knows how… dangerous she is… who also knows how easy it is to manipulate people with autism… Her family even does foster care for people with severe autism and other severe disabilities… So, it REALLY bothers me she’s doing that to him.

If it were someone non-autistic I probably wouldn’t care as much, it’s just Nina being Nina, but she knows her best friend is autistic, and we’ve had extensive conversations about how gullible/easy to manipulate we can be, how easy we trust, etc…

This is bothering me on a huge level.

I’m ending the friendship due to this whole situation/her behavior about this and some other semi-related stuff…

But I’m debating if I should inform the guy of what I know (and can prove). Being autistic myself and knowing how easy it is to make us think things that aren’t true, I absolutely hate the idea of what she’s doing, and the guy seems like a genuinely nice guy, one of the nicer she’s been with actually. I don’t want to see him get heavily invested, used, then destroyed by her.

Do I tell him that his marriage is fake and he needs to be careful/watch her super close to not get hurt?

If I were a parent, I think I would be extremely upset if I found out my adult child was being used like this by someone.

What would you do? If you knew your autistic kid/adult child was being used by someone, who has zero issues absolutely hurting people, destroying them financially, etc… Someone who went so far as to manipulate him into a fake marriage to get into his house…

Would you want him to know? Or let him live in happy ignorance for a year or 2 till she breaks him and moves on, hoping maybe THIS will be the one time in her life she doesn’t do the same thing she has done to everyone else?

The last guy she was with tried to off himself twice after she left, and he wasn’t autistic, he just couldn’t deal with the s**t she did at the end, blindsided, money stuff, etc… Thankfully he survived and got help, but still… As much as I love her, she’s ruthless with the guys she’s with. They are tools and entertainment for her, that’s it. Total angel till she’s done with’m though.

So, do I inform him? Or try to inform his mom and let her decide? I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to appear vindictive, like I’m trying to hurt her… I’m not… But I feel like I should try to protect him like I would any other autistic person I see being manipulated/used by someone…

I’m upset enough over the entire situation (and other stuff related to this situation) that I’m ending the only close friendship I have.

The whole situation makes me feel sick to my stomach and I have no friends/support system to goto for advice on this one.

I’d really appreciate any thoughts. Thanks for reading.