How do I help my child to be comfortable with his dx?

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How do I help 9 year old J, newly diagnosed aspergers be comfortable being himself.
We had a great day yesterday (see my other post) I think most of the reason our day went so well, is because he'd spent the morning with other aspie boys, and he is slowly learning he can be himself in this group. It would be fantastic if he could be this comfortable or even partially this comfortable at normal school.
I tell him all the time I think he is wonderful, clever, special and interesting. He doesn't believe me. He just says he doesnt fit in and he is scared because the other kids at school will call him names, if he acts any different to them. I think a lot of his fears are in his head right now, but I also believe that they are based on past experiences. Kids have called him names and excluded him for past "different" behaviours. I don't know if its happening at school right know but he is so scared about it all he has adopted a whole different persona at school. This must be exhausting him (I know it is I can see it when he gets home from school) I just fear that he is going to burn out and there is no way he can keep this up for the rest of his school life.
Any words of wisdom would be great.

Hi aurea,

I don't have any advice as we haven't even told our J yet, but are there some books/novels out there which could help? I've heard books by Kathy Hoopman address some of these issues.

It's great that the aspie club is going so well! Is that at the Western Autistic School? What is the age group? My son's nearly 7 and I'd love him to meet other AS children.

Temma

I wish I could give you an answer.


This is good
About the only memories of being 8 to 10 years old I hold with some affection were going to a special unit twice a week to play with others like myself.


I'm not surprised, grown-up's were always telling me how clever I was it all made no difference at regular school the mocking, name calling and exclusion was unremitting and relentless


It is a method of coping.


You obviously love J and are already doing the best you can for him. Press the school to accommodate him the best they can and keep up with the aspie group (I suspect you are doing this anyway).
Learning to integrate and function among peers require many difficult lessons and for each of us they are different.
There is no simple easy answer.

I hope somewhere in my ramblings I have said something that helps or at least brings comfort.

I had a weird dream the other day, that i had a little girl who was neurotypical, and asked my NT bf who was my husband in my dream, "daddy why is mommy handflapping, why is mommy so different from us? Daddy replied "mommy has autism!" NT daughter goes "Whats that? Can I catch that?" Daddy goes "No see it just means that mommy makes our world so much more fun, and so much more special. She brings so much joy to this world, and its never a dull moment with her, she views, and sees things differently from us, and reacts differently then us, But other then that, nothing is wrong with her." NT daughter says "Oh so if mommy didnt have autism, our world wouldn't be as fun?" Daddy replys "Exactly!" NT daughter smiles and says "When i grow up i want to be like mommy!"

Yes weird ain't it. That i remember so much detail in a dream. I woke up like in tears, couldnt believe it, I'm always afraid to become a parent myself, but i know one day, my bf does want children. So If my child is NT, i hope my bf explains it as well as he did in my dream to that child hehehe.

Anyways hope that helps!

Does he have any specific interests that might bring him into informal contact with other Aspies? For example, my ten year old goes to Games Workshop every Sat. It's a store where the kids paint and battle with fantasy miniatures. There are usually at least a few people there who really seem Aspie (inlcuding a few guys who work there). It's a way of connecting outside a school or clinical setting, so it brings home the point that Aspie kids have more in common than just needing special classes.

I think it is more difficult in your situation, than it was in ours, because your son has had several more years to build frustration and lose self-image. But, still, the goal is going to be to get him to focus on his gifts, the good things his Asperger's brings to him, and how being a little different is part of the package - everything in life comes with good and bad.

For my son, knowing there was a reason he was different made a world of difference. He stopped measuring himself against other children, and became interested in knowing only what was normal for "kids like him." When other children comment on areas he is different, he just says "so what, I'm normal for kids like me." It also gave the teachers and staff at school tools for stopping teasing (although I understand this isn't working so well so far for you).

My son enjoys knowing that many famous inventors most likely were Aspies, and that many believe Bill Gates is one. Some also believe Einstein was. The world needs people who naturally think outside of the box to provide fresh ideas and challenge assumptions. My son latched onto that idea, as well. My son feels he has a special role to play, and he is really proud of it (when he was having a lot of stress and attention issues, I asked him if he wanted to consider medication and he told me absolutely not, because he would worry that it would also take the non-stop creative thinking out of him, and he values that side of himself far too much to ever lose it).

My son also knows that he can learn adaptations for many of his weaknesses, and he already has progressed a lot with that. Basically, he doesn't care about what he can't do very much, because he figures there will always be a work-around if it is important enough. Just as long as he isn't getting teased, of course. No one wants to be teased. But we're really fortunate in having a school environment that values diversity of all types, and works hard against teasing. He is also lucky that his best friend also gets along with the boy that used to be his worst enemy, and has lobbied successfully on his behalf over the years. Anyway, another important part of the conversation is to let your son know that he will be capable of learning to accomodate for those things that are weaknesses, and that the adults around him are responsible for helping the other kids learn to accept him as he is.

I think I've been really lucky that my Aspie child is not also prone to depression (I think my non-Aspie child is, unfortunately). That has probably helped with frustration and self-image. It always surprises me how confident he is. Now, I do know that sometimes things bother him much more than he has even let on to himself, and we do work on rooting those things out, but, overall, we seem to have caught the issues early enough, and have been lucky enough in terms of environment, that he seems to do really well.

Some kids (like mine) seem to be proud to be Aspie. Others wish they weren't different. I don't know how you move a child from one box to the other, if they've already grown strong roots into their self-perception. I think that at age 9 you need to hope that the roots are NOT very deep, and that he CAN be sold on the positives, and then get him as often as possible into environments that allow his gifts to shine, without making an issue of the weaknesses. If that means changing schools, so be it. It's a crucial time.

Get him to join WP. WP really helped my sons after they were first diagnosed. You will find the members on this website are warm and welcoming of kids who come on. There's a Kids Crater section.

Here are a couple of threads by my 7 year old Daniel. His user name on WP is UbbyUbbyUbby

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt31775.html

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt33502.html

Here are a couple of threads by my 9 year old Jimmy. His uer name on WP is AussieBoy

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt48727.html

My sons will ignore WP for months, then get obsessed for a couple of weeks and spent lots of time on it.

Helen

You might want to try checking out the children's books "All Cats Have Asperger's Syndrome" and "Different Like Me." "All Cats..." presents AS in an accurate but positive light and compares AS traits to the wonderful feline species. Lots of cute cat pictures! "Different Like Me" has a bunch of mini-biographies of accomplished people who were likely on the autistic spectrum. Both are excellent books which may help AS kids feel better about themselves and value what they do well.