kids in denial?

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My son is convinced he's not a "special needs" child. Never mind that he has his own private para (who he loves) and rides a short bus. What does he think, I wonder?

I'm not going to argue with him. He asked me the other day "What is special ed?" I told him it's for kids that need a different type of education becaue they learn differently. He asked if he was in it and I said yes. Then he said he wanted no part of it. Oh, well. I just let it pass.

He loves his para but I do think it is stigmatizing and interferes with friends. How could it not? Kids like normal at this age. They are afraid of different. Also, parents are the same, unfortunately, and don't encourage kids to play with special needs kids. It's very unhealthy, I feel, for my son, but I don't have any alternative.

equinn

Excuse my ignorance, but what's a "para"?

How old is your son?

I wasn't diagnosed until last year, I'm 22 now. You're right in that "kids like normal"...I was a really weird kid, and I got picked on a lot. But because I was mixed in with all the "normal kids," I learned how to play "normal," and I'm now very high-functioning. If your son really doesn't want to be the special needs class, and he knows how hard it is going to be, maybe it would be a good learning opportunity.

Also, I know that I get pretty pissed when my mom tells me that I'm "special needs." Maybe your son is reacting in a similar manner. Whether or not I have "special needs," I don't like when my mom points it out, or tells me that I'm coming from a "different space from everyone else." It seems judgmental, and a little bit mean. I feel that when my mother tells me I'm "special," she should mean it in the "you're unique in all the world and I love you" way, not the way the kids in middle school used to.

Let him know that you know exactly how he feels, giving examples to prove and back it up. I think that's the #1 important thing. Once you know how he feels and he feels like it's not a conspiracy and he can alter his life and his future and he doesn't have to be a special needs kid, he might not be so scared or angry or embarrassed any more. And there's a good chance he'll continue to be a special needs kid because he likes it.


Make sure he knows people who know that special needs does not mean stupid or not normal. There are normal kids in special ed and geniuses in special ed.

Your son is probably going through wanting to be normal. So he thinks if he tries to be normal, he won't be different anymore. Maybe he wants to be like everybody else so he wants to have the same rights as normal kids. Does your son get bullied in school for being different?
If he does, then that could be why he doesn't want to be different. He thinks if he can be normal, he won't be bullied anymore and he be accepted by his peers.


I was against being different too and was in denial most of my childhood life till I was 14. I thought I could get rid of the condition if I tried harder. I also tried to get accepted by my peers in my late elementary school years. I tried by trying to be normal and fighting for my rights.

Can you talk to your son about why he wants to be normal and sees what he says? I am guessing he is probably doing what I did.

A paraprofessional -- often referred to as an aide -- is a special-education worker who is not licensed to teach, but performs many duties both individually with students and organizationally in the classroom.

Great responses--thank you all.

Yes, I will talk to him about normal tonight and ask what he thinks this means?

I do tell him that special needs doesn't mean "dumb" and reassure him that's not true.

I agree that "special needs" connotes a sort of patronizing difference that should be tolerated anyway. If he were simply tolerated and accepted for his difference, there wouldn't be the need to have him in special education. If he went to a school where all kids needed support like him, then it wouldn't be special ed, but normal ed. It's all relative.

He doesn't dwell on it, thankfully, but as he gets older it could become a real problem.

I'll talk some more to him tonight. Thanks, equinn

it's possible that he's hearing negative comments from other kids about being in special ed.

Yes, I definitely think special ed has gotten a bad rap. It's almost as if he doesn't mind but he does at the same time. This tells me he has heard (tv mostly) negative commentary about special ed. Jake and Josh episode comes to mind (son's favorite show...English teacher threatens special ed and remedial reading--special ed room is filled with crazy kids) this is just one example. It's up to the writers of the shows to use more discretion, but this won't happen any time soon. TV reflects society and vice versa.

So, I don't think it comes from school so much. I guess I should have kept tv off--it truly has contributed to many of my son's fears (I think).

equinn

my son was absolutely DEVASTATED when we pulled him out of "regular ed" & put him in "special ed"........he was 13 & in such a very bad place. looking back now, he acknowledges that it was what saved his life. ( suicidal ideation, severe depression, severely bullied at his former middle school).............he was so distraught at what he would tell his friends-we told him that all he had to tell them was that he was going to private school ( which is true). 3 years later, there are still kids out there that ask why he left the "regular ed" program-i reply "because he's going to a private school" ...............at the time that we changed him, we were given a choice of therapeutic schools-one of which had a lot of lower functioning kids-we immediately decided against this, as son was envisioning special ed as going to school with "kids who drool all day"( his words). we just kept reiterating that the therapeutic school would be a safe place for him to learn ( middle school sure wasn't).

about him saying that he's not special ed, and you stating that he is...........keep in mind that no one wants to feel stupid- even my very low-functioning students can tell when someone is treating them like a baby or being condescending to them. ( i'm not saying you're doing this, just trying to help you understand where your son *might* be coming from).........it can be difficult to figure out what your kid can handle, and what's too much. such a long journey

Yes, I might want to keep this in mind--for our middle school experience.

I have observed a couple of programs, one in particular, which is the next town over and I DID not like the video that showed the director speaking to kids during "wrap-up" because I thought she sounded very condescending--as i fthe kids were stupid. It bothered me and this was one of the places I would have considered ,possibly, for my son if we ran into trouble--no need at all right now.

These kids, btw, seemed much more low functioning than my son anyway. He is so normal seeming, truly, which makes it even more difficult I guess. He has a normal tone of voice--just loud--and he has an excellent sense of humor and is VERY aware.

Of course I am so biased, as you know, because he's my kid.

I speak to him maturely and articulately because he understands so much. I never speak down to him--wouldn't think of it. I have to remind myself quite a bit that he takes a bit longer with hearing directions etc. Regardless, I keep on him. Both of us, I suppose, keep each other in line. I did notice other adults, especially at his other school, speaking down to him as if he were mentally disabled. It drove me nuts.

He does better when adults speak to him on a higher level because, as you said, he is very intuitive and is able to pick up on coddling. He seeks knowledge and information and likes good intelligent company, someone that can answer his questions. Anything other than this, he has no time for--can't say I blame him.

What is it with people that assume special ed kids are slow? Even my son believed this. Frustrating.

equinn

seems to be just one of those negative sterotypes-like all blondes are ditzy, and all gay men are florists...........oh brother

My son continues to be in denial. He was diagnosed at 21, he is now 27. He just seem to get it that there are reasons he functions so poorly in college. He cannot take more than two classes at a time. I think time has helped, in that I think the instructors are more aware of AS now than 6 years ago. He was diagnosed right before he went off to university. I went with him to the disability office before he started, but he never went again, and they said since he was over 18, they wouldn't do anything unless he contacted them himself. He did miserably, but just about the time we were ready to get on him and say it was working, his younger sister was diagnosed with cancer. She went through two years of treatment (including chemo induced strokes), and he just floundered. He moved back in at 23, and now takes a couple classes each semester at the local community college to avoid having to try to get a job (our agreement). He does help around the house and is generally okay, but mostly he reads about politics on the internet, keeping odd hours, and avoiding interacting as much as possible.

He doesn't want to look for a job because past experiences were so humiliating and nonproductive. The rest of the family realizes that most of his difficulties are due o the AS, and that he could get a job coach if he would allow his diagnosis to access these services. I am just so frustrated for him, I can't think of where to go from here. Meantime, the cancer kid recovered, and just graduated with honors from a highly rated well known university.

How about wording it a bit different - I know here some (ok maybe a lot ) think special needs = stupid or really negative. I usually say my son has additional needs or different needs & will use this to explain to him when he's older. I already tell him (he's 5 & a half) that his brain works a bit different to some people but lots of people do see things like him too & sometimes he's way ahead of others but at other times he will find it hard to catch up but I'll be there to help him. I also tell him that not everyone is great at everything eg. his sister is a great singer & I'm crap LOL. He is great at google sketchup & his sister isn't. Prob not much help to you sorry