sadly disappointed with my mom

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let me begin by saying that my mom hasn't visited our family in years. ever since she "came out of the closet" as an alcoholic, she is loathe to call or come to our house..........actually, i guess she didn't call or stop by much before she told us all she was an alcoholic.........she was never around during my childhood, and i suffered greatly for it. i am only the person i am today because of years and years of therapy. and yet having said all that, i still want her to like me. still want her to be involved with our family.

she doesn't telephone, & emails are rare............... got an email from her last night.
"Sorry it took me a couple days to write an email to you. I got home in the wee hours of the morning on Saturday, and slept most of the day. Sunday was spent doing housework, unpacking and napping LOL. It's great to get back to warm weather. The cold air was recking havoc with my asthma! Since I got home, no more wheezing! THe flights were smooth -- although the one from Atlanta was dellayed a little over 30 minutes -- not bad for late in the day! Had a wonderful three weeks visiting with Mom/Grandma .
Will be in touch! "

My grandmother lives 2 states away from me. My mother lives in Florida...............I'm just so very hurt. she can't visit us for even a day, but she can visit her mom for 3 weeks???........I don't know ho to get past this. I'm at the point now where I want to email her and tell her to stop emailing us-take me off your list...take my phone number off your list....it just hurts so very very much............leaves me feeling like somehow this is all my fault. i know it's not, but it still makes me cry............

It sounds like your mother is self-absorbed and probably doesn't realize how she is hurting you. I had some good advice a few years ago - I'm the only person who can let someone else's actions get me down. In other words, you have the ability and power to recognize your mother as being insensitive to your needs, and to choose to not let her insensitivity affect you. It's really hard to do that with someone as closely related as your mother, but I've seen people be successful at it, including myself.

Z

ster, I'm sorry. I can sadly relate. My mother isn't an alcoholic, but she is and has always been completely absent, to the point of neglect during my childhood. I recall spending many ENTIRE DAYS alone because she stayed up all night and then slept all day. God forbid she heard me in the cupboards looking for food, she would come flying out of her bedroom screaming. For years that woman tortured me mentally because I could not understand why she would just not be there for me like a mom. I felt it was me, like I was defective somehow. I always tried to be a good kid, and when I asked what she meant she would always tell me I had "a look" on my face (I'm an aspie, so perhaps I did, but it wasn't intentional). I tried everything to win her approval, but nothing really worked. My sister was the prized child. They would go get their hair done at a fancy salon and then go to a gift shop so my sister could pick out a new figurine, and I was left home. When I asked for some time with my mother, she'd say things like, "Why would I want to subject myself to THAT?"

I left home at 16 and never moved back. I was still looking for her apporoval though. When I was in college and suffering severely from anorexia, my mother would hide certain foods from me because she didn't like the way I would eat them (I have many sensory issues, I do eat things in an odd manner sometimes). I had little money and would go to her house looking for food sometimes. But when my sister went to college and was living on her own, my mother would go out at all hours of the night to make sure sister had groceries or food, delivering them to her apartment for her.

What finally did it was when I was pregnant with my daughter. I invited my mother out to my home (hubby and I live an hour away from her in another state). I decided the day would be perfect, that I would make NO mistakes. I took her to lunch and paid. I took her to a gourmet candy store in the mall and bought her chocolates. I took her around to show her the lighthouses in our area (she loves lighthouses). I thought it was a great day, I was sure I'd done it right! Not so. Days later on the phone she said how "horrible" I'd been to her. I was appalled! What had I done? Something again about a look on my face. And I lost it. I told her to never speak to me again, never call my house and to keep my name out of her mouth. I was done trying for her approval and finally accepted that she would never be a "mom".

Until my daughter was born 8 months later, I did not speak to her at all. It was the happiest time of my life after the first few weeks. I realized a lot of things and it really set me free. I did learn of a few more betrayals, however, and though I did let her back into my life for about a year, she's mostly at quite a distance now. In four years, she has never stopped by just to see the kids. She isn't what I'd call a grandmother. She still dotes on my 24 year old sister like she's two. But it no longer affects me. I realized there's something wrong with HER, not me. She's just a woman my father is married to, that's it.

It takes time, working through a lot of hurt and finally accepting that things may never be the way they should, but you can get to a point where the way she is doesn't affect you so deeply anymore.

My husband has been trying to shake himself of his father for decades. His dad left him when he was 2 1/2 to start another family with a teenager. They left the state and Husband didn't meet him again until he was 14. By then, he was facing running away from home because of trouble with his mom (she's criminally insane). He asked if he could live with his Dad and he refused, telling him that he had his own family and to let his firstborn back, it would hurt his other family.
This doesn't even address the horrible, criminally horrible things that happened to Husband as a little boy because he had no one that cared for him.

So, during his teens, he swallowed his pride and still would visit his Dad (in another state, often with his own money) to win some affection. He even became religious to win his approval. But he was never a true son. This went on when I met him. I could tell right away the man was full of BS (and his idiotic wife too). I wanted nothing to do with these people. But Husband would somehow think that the next thing would be different. Moving closer, having a baby, having a good son, etc. It's been the same.

Recently, he's asked him to stop contacting him. He says he's forgiven him of the past but he just can't look for him as a father figure and barely a friend. The sad thing is that the guy is "nice" and sends gifts and can be fun to be around. But he's just too damaged and out of control to maintain a relationship with.

Maybe I should start a thread at "The Haven."

I can definitely relate to not feeling wanted by your parents. I was adopted as a baby, and reunited with my birth mother 16 years ago, when I was in my early 20s. Adoptive parents were never happy, split up when I was 10. Adoptive father remarried three more times and kicked me out of his house (which I was using to escape my mother and abusive, alcoholic step-dad) so he could move in his girlfriend and her daughters instead. I was told at the time it was due to my "poor morals." The one piece of "advice" he continually gave me was "It's a hard old world out there, and you can't count on ANYONE, not even your family." And to prove this, he'd deny me $20 for groceries. He married that girlfriend eventually (his fourth wife - I wasn't invited) and moved to another state, where he presumably resides happily with his "new" family and a pack of step-daughters and their husbands and kids, all of whom think he hung the moon. He hasn't called or even sent my son a birthday card in years.

For perhaps obvious reasons, I was keen to find my birth mother. How to describe her? She is so incredibly, unbelievably perfect, that I find even after living in the same state (I moved for school and to be closer to her) for a dozen years, our relationship is...strained. I'm not even sure she knows this. We hardly see each other, and when we do she generally insists I drive to see her, even when it's far less inconvenient for her than me. She insisted I visit her when I was pregnant and VERY SICK, a two hour drive just to watch a football game with a bunch of her friends - I hate football! I spent the entire time in a back bedroom, on the floor, vomitting and wanting to die. Every hour or so she'd come in and check on me, then return to the laughter and drinks in the living room where the game was on. What was the POINT of that?? The trip made me so sick I ended up in hospital. I couldn't even keep down water. But her horrible friend at the time just called me "Kid" and said condescendingly how much worse SHE had it when SHE was pregnant. If I'd had the strength, I would've choked that woman.

My adoptive family either has disowned me or frightens me so much I don't want to be around them, or I'm worried for my son to be around them. His little cousin is violent and scary and terrorized him last time we were there.

My biological mother has an incredible, "perfect" life - one that I don't seem to fit into, nomatter how hard I've tried to "prove" myself to her, get my life together, got my MA, remarried better, and gave her a beautiful grandson - her ONLY grandchild. It hasn't helped - she emails me with stories of how they just got back from a trip to Mexico, or some national park, it was so much fun, and she travels a lot with her job, three states in one week kind of thing. She's NEVER invited me to Mexico, even when I let her know I could pay my way and everything - even though my house is ON THE WAY to Mexico from hers. She says she's "not ready" to think of herself as a grandmother. I thought she just meant she didn't want to think of herself as "frumpy," but no, apparently she really means she doesn't think of my son as her grandson. She has him call her husband "uncle." Will their sons' children have to call him "uncle"? Of course not. And they wonder why I feel "left out."

When I wanted to find/contact my biological father, she got very upset with me because she was afraid he might contact her, and somehow sully her Perfect Life. It was all about HER. Of course, as it turned out, he was everything she'd told me about him, only with 25 years of bitterness piled up behind it. To say he was an unpleasant, unstable, paranoid, angry individual would be to be too kind. As is so often the case with such people, in the end he blew up at me and told ME that I was "crazy" and needed a shrink, and oh by the way, "if you don't love this country enough to support the president, get the hell out!" Yeah. He cut me off and even though I have three half-siblings via him, none of them have contacted me.

Point is - it's futile and crazy-making to try to "prove" yourself to another human being, that you're worthy of their love and acceptance and inclusion in their life. It's not possible, and it doesn't work, and you're screwed the moment you feel you have to "prove" anything.

I swear sometimes I really prefer the company of strangers to my family, adoptive or biological. Strangers are kinder, and don't expect me to endure emotional death by a thousand cuts without the slightest "ungrateful" complaint.

Sorry this was so long. Obviously, your post touched a nerve. Give yourself a hug. PM me if you like.

thank you all for your support............very hard to write anymore about this today......still crying..........

Hang in there. I'm really sorry you're so hurt/sad.

the horrible thing about this (and maybe this isn't helpful) is that "recovering" from abusive families doesn't really make anything "better" or "happy". It's more about being at peace with yourself and your future. It's about breaking the cycle of pain and emotional violence so that your kids understand what "true family" really is.

I wish my family had done that for my brother and me. It's very hard later. I'm having to grow up at age 40, after emulating my dumb father all my adult life. I'm not even blood related, yet I'm just like him.

So, it just seems to take longer because cutting off family ties goes against our genetic make up. You have to let go of that eternal optimism and let go of that desire to control, "If I just do this. . . . they will love me" "If she only said/did that, I would know that she really cares". Because you can't control anything or anyone else but yourself.

feeling a little better now...........she emailed back, regardless of the fact that i said i didn't want to hear from her....
.......all she did in her email was make excuses for why she didn't let us know that she'd be there for so long. no apologies. just a guilt trip..........i didn't write back. i'm done.
over the years, we've really strived to create our own little family here. i've been really concrete with the kids about the way families are supposed to treat each other. i think i've done a pretty good job of teaching my children to be compassionate ..............just trying to move on.
thanks again, everyone ! I wish I could say I was glad to feel like I'm not the only one who's dealt with this. I am glad to see , though, that others have gotten through it and survived.

Ster, without the alcoholism, you could be talking about my mother too. She's self-obsessed and doesn't understand what her actions do to other people. She uses people and expects everyone to cater to HER needs.

My mother lives 2 hours from us. My father who lives across the country has been to visit me and my kids more than my mother has. For a long time, we would take the kids to see her. Then, we got fed up with it. We expected some reciprocity. When we did go to visit her, her house was filthy, unsafe for children, and we always had to go out and buy food so we had something to eat while there- she wouldn't even have a box of cereal for the kids in the house. A few years ago, after I left the religion she raised me in and was very open and confrontational with her about my reasons for doing so, she made it clear that I was just a huge disappointment and she couldn't be around me. I wrote her a letter in which I told her off big time for letting her religion come between her and family and having screwed up priorities in life, I laid into her about her crappy parenting of me and my siblings, about being an absentee parent, and being a crappy grandma. We didn't speak for near 2 years. During that time, I learned that I didn't need my mother. I was happier without her. I didn't need her to vent to, I didn't need her support, I didn't need her approval, and I didn't need her criticism.

After 2 years, we slowly mended fences and we have a distant, but cordial relationship. I realize now who she is and that there's no changing her and I accept her for who she is. She'll never be a good G-ma to my kids, she'll never put family above herself or her religion, and that's ok. I can love and accept her anyway and have a relationship with boundaries. I know I can't count on her for anything and that's made all the difference. I no longer am disappointed when she doesn't act in ways I wish she would.

You don't need your mother's approval, you don't need to please her, you don't need for her to like you or want to spend time with you and your family. I know that with my mom, a lot of her problems with us are jealousy, depression, and confusion. I'm happy. I have a loving husband and 4 great kids. She's alone and has 3 out of 6 kids who can't stand her and won't have anything to do with her. She's also confused that we've left her religion, one that preaches that if you leave the flock, you'll be miserable, that you can't have true happiness or prosperity unless you are a member; yet we are happy, have wonderful and well-behaved children, and are doing great despite being ***gasp****Atheists! All her kids have left the "flock" and she's unbelievably depressed because she's been taught that she's a failure as a mother. So seeing us and her grandchildren, being happy and good people despite our "wickedness" is very hard on her.

Im so sorry to hear you like this. (And of course) the others out there too. It it so sad and it hurst when we dont have support, love and acknowlegement from our mums.

They are the ones missing out!! !!

Take care.

Hand in hand with the need for a mother's approval is the need for nurturing. I think we seek that when we want to crawl back into the womb.

At 63 (mother almost 96 going on to 80) I have finally come to terms with who she is.

Previous to that, I would spend time trying to limit my expectations of my relationship with her. Even trying to ignore her or accept her inability to 'mother' costs.

My story is not as bad as those on this thread. But I can understand the awful hurt... and I hate to see your hurt. I think it is good that you can share your experiences and I'm glad you did it here and not on the Haven ... because I wouldn't have seen it.

I am a very nurturing person so I send you all a big hug.

Robyn

As i had suspected, my mother has now sicked other family members on me..........my dad emailed to tell me how sick my grandmother is & how she can't be left alone & is dying-this is supposed to make me feel bad, i guess, for emailing my mother about not visiting us while she was in New England with my grandmother...................
Don't get me wrong, I'm sad that my grandmother isn't doing well, but I can't stand the guilt trips they're trying to put me on.
Slightly irritated today. Oh well. I'm sure it will get easier as time goes on....

Ster: Most of my family pulls this kind of garbage. Some of it can be blamed on substance abuse, but, IMHO, a good chunk of it is people being jerks, idiots, or not really wanting to spend time with you. It completely sucks. I have close family: a sister, two uncles, a heap of cousins, that I will likely never see again. Some of them do what your mom does - we call them strafing calls because they resemble drive-by shootings. As they are driving by (or after) they tell you that they were there almost like rubbing in the fact that they didn't think to include you in a visit.

There may be a light in the darkness. My relationship with my father was always rough and once he and my mother divorced it went further downhill. He literally abandoned me for a couple of years (0 contact, alleged in the divorce that my being left in his care was "neglect" by my mother). When he did try to reach out, like going to dinner, it was followed by some horrid experience (like his wife calling me a spoiled brat in writing when I was working two jobs to pay bills at age 16), so we slowly stopped even that. I got married, I almost didn't invite him. He came but he made a point of telling me his wife and their child went to a boat festival instead. Ten years passed, he moved away, we kept with the occasional dinner. I was being dutiful, but it took weeks of prep and medication to get me through dinner, my anxiety level was so high.

Then my grandmother, his mother, became critically ill. He caught the first flight in. I was already there. Suddenly, he and I were standing in a hospital discussing power of attorney, care, and stuff. He saw me as a fully responsible adult with knowledge, skill, and purpose. I saw him as a man who cared deeply for his mother. We had something to talk about, a job to do. Despite the fact that he was the child, I was the one who was entrusted with all the Powers of Attorney, medical proxy, and coordinating care. There was logic to it - he was now out of state and I was the family close by. We talked a lot during her illness - his opinion had a lot of weight in decisions regarding his mother. My grandmother said several times before she died that she was glad she was ill because it brought my father and I together. We've tried to keep it up. We talk every couple of weeks on the phone, I've visited his home, he's visited mine. We're trying to set up a visit for this summer.

I still hate the man that I knew as a child. He was distant, abusive, controlling, and perhaps abusing alcohol. Then he abandoned me and, literally, chose someone else's side over his kid. What is strange is that my father is not that man anymore. In 20 years, he grew up. I've had to separate those two people and establish a relationship between us two as adults.

So on one side, the damage is there and there is no effort on any side to fix anything at this point. On the other side, the crisis brought us together with no guilt at all. I have a mom with whom I am close, a Dad that I'm working on growing the relationship with, and I make what I can with my husband and child. I have a couple of close friends. This is the family I choose. Those others who judge me, my choices, my life, my family, and the whole rest of it - I had to give up and declare that I don't need them. (Doesn't stop me from crying as I write this.)

So if you want to visit your grandmother, go ahead. If you don't, you don't have to. As an adult, you can choose.