Effecting younger sibling
31 Jan 2011, 4:53 pm
Since this year we've been having so many issues with DS14, I've been getting some totally uncharacteristic reports from DS8's teacher. He did something totally inappropriate today in class and I'm very worried that some of the behaviors I see in DS14 are effecting DS8. When I spoke to him about it (how upset I was), he broke down, got a migraine and threw up within a half hour. How the heck does a parent shelter a younger sibling from the craziness that can go on with his brother in the house?
lelia
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Joined: 11 Apr 2007
Age: 71
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,897
Location: Vancouver not BC, Washington not DC
31 Jan 2011, 8:46 pm
I'm sorry. I don't think you can shelter.
Although......I sorta, kinda did when I sent my severely autistic daughter to public school and homeschooled the other kids. By the time my autistic girl got back home, the other kids had seen more than enough of me and did not seem to mind when I had to spend the rest of the day chasing her destruction.
01 Feb 2011, 9:02 pm
You have to teach them to understand the sibling, and to react as appropriately as possible, and spend time with each child separately to meet their unique needs. You have to let the sibling vent in private about the ways the AS makes life at home more difficult. You have to make sure the sibling understands that rules and parenting style aren't the same for each child in the household because each child has different needs, and make sure he sees ways that he "has it better" than his brother so that he gets a sense the customization is fair. Talk often and openly.
Beyond all that ... it's never going to be perfect. Families are all about learning to live together even when it's challenging. Consider it an advanced version of the lesson, and assume that God or nature or whatever you believe in wouldn't have assigned your family the advanced course if it couldn't handle it.
_________________
Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).
02 Feb 2011, 10:34 am
I know that the family is a system and if one part is not functioning properly, it effects the whole - I've just gotten through Psych 2, and we pray to God every day for the knowledge and patience to deal with things One Day At A Time, as my username states. DS8 knows about all of DS14's issues but obviously there is no way his brain can fully comprehend what is going on, even as mature as he is for 8. I don't ever want to remove DS14 from the home, his behavior hasn't warranted that, but do I try to keep them away from each other as much as possible? He use to idolize DS14 but now he just seems annoyed by him all the time. He use to let DS14 kiss and hug him, now he runs away. He has another brother, DS18, that is great with him and a great role model but he leaves for college this summer and then it's down to just the two of them.
02 Feb 2011, 1:43 pm
I know that the family is a system and if one part is not functioning properly, it effects the whole - I've just gotten through Psych 2, and we pray to God every day for the knowledge and patience to deal with things One Day At A Time, as my username states. DS8 knows about all of DS14's issues but obviously there is no way his brain can fully comprehend what is going on, even as mature as he is for 8. I don't ever want to remove DS14 from the home, his behavior hasn't warranted that, but do I try to keep them away from each other as much as possible? He use to idolize DS14 but now he just seems annoyed by him all the time. He use to let DS14 kiss and hug him, now he runs away. He has another brother, DS18, that is great with him and a great role model but he leaves for college this summer and then it's down to just the two of them.
My kids run hot and cold on being able to deal with other. When they can't deal with each other well, I keep them away from each other as tactfully as possible. Split up more with different kids to different parents, encourage more away from home playdates or activities, etc. When it ebbs the other way, and they are doing well together, we let them enjoy being together. Hard to put a specific plan out for it because you really have to feel your way through it, in my experience.
_________________
Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).
02 Feb 2011, 10:13 pm
my kids get along alright for the most part but i certainly understand the concern of ones disfunction effecting the others. i see how my ds5's multiple meltdowns, issues and behaviour problems negatively effect the other kids and change who they are. at this stage they are really too young to understand anything other than ds5 acts differently and thinks differently as i've tried to explain to them. i don't think it's good that they are being exposed to his problems at all because he tends to be angry and violent and distructive, which is frightening and hurtful to the other kids. all i can do for the time being is send ds5 to his room and then try to talk to him once he calms down but he pretty much just denies everything, blames other people or says "why not?" or "i don't know." to everything. it is very difficult to engage him in conversation. i also carry alot of guilt that many times i am so stressed out from ds5 or too busy dealing with his 'stuff' to be able to do the things i'd like to do with the other kids and they miss out on a lot. it's sad, really.
03 Feb 2011, 10:32 am
So true about the guilt. I try to keep my head straight but lately have been so consumed by his issues that I've spent less time with DS8. One good thing is that DH seems to pick up my slack when I have to deal with DS14. I've also been trying to remember to give each one individual attention and time with Mom.
It's overwhelming when you have other children and one that requires so much of your energy and time. Some days I lay in bed at night and judge myself on how I handled my day and did I take care of everyone who needed me. Being a mom is the toughest job in the world!
