Where can I get behavioral help for my Aspie son?

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Emoal6
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01 Jun 2008, 4:53 pm

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Give me a break! You speak of the child like he is some MONSTER. Give him SOME modicum of respect.


2ukenkerl,

I was pointing out by sarcasm(which is my fault) that it ISNT THE KIDS FAULT. He ISNT a MONSTER. In fact, its the parent who is the monster in this case. She's EXPECTING and HAS ALWAYS EXPECTED that her kids would be PERFECT. Sometimes there isnt a cure, sometimes it just takes time. Sometimes you need to tighten your bootstraps and deal with it. No one is given a fair or easy life.

And to you geesmom,

You're a mother of 2, just like my mom. You're complaining about the same s**t, just like my mom. That means, like my mom, You are a horrible mother. You're crying on the internet. And you wanna call us "trolls" because we're giving you "tough love". We're simply telling you that what you're asking out of your child is ridiculous at this point. He's not on the same level that others are. And while you think "you're frustrated" how do you think he feels? When something that was there isnt anymore. When all he wants to do is feel like a contributing member of the family and you BLATANTLY misconstrue it.

He just wants to be normal and by now he's probably figuring out that hes not. That life doesnt look positive ahead. That people have already labeled him as a failure and a misfit. He can be bright as the sun, and all it will do is blind the rest with hate. You should just home school him, at least then he'll learn what he wants to and doesnt have to worry about others picking on him for being HIMSELF.

Are his reactions "correct" by society's view? No. But does society really mean more than your child to you? Does he have to conform and just eat the bs the rest of us are fed? Does he have to live up to YOUR EXPECTATIONS to be a success? Look at yourself in the mirror before you call anyone else A TROLL!



Geesmom
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01 Jun 2008, 5:13 pm

Emoal6 wrote:
You're a mother of 2, just like my mom. You're complaining about the same sh**, just like my mom. That means, like my mom, You are a horrible mother. You're crying on the internet. And you wanna call us "trolls" because we're giving you "tough love". We're simply telling you that what you're asking out of your child is ridiculous at this point.


Wow. I'm not meaning to be facetious at all in asking you this -- have you seen someone about your issues with your mother? I ask in all seriousness.



Geesmom
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01 Jun 2008, 5:18 pm

ZakFiend wrote:
It's one thing I've learned over the years is that kids need their own behaviou reflected back on themselves to "get it", for instance when I have to babysit, and the boys are getting into a fight, the older one usually picks on the weaker one and sometimes it 'gets out of control', to the point where the older one is severely hurting the younger one, so I give the younger one 'free hits', this is where the comedy comes in! When the younger brother 'doesn't want any free hits' and punches him softly lol. :)


LOL. Interesting.

ZakFiend wrote:

There will be times you just have to suffer through things because you have to realize that kids are not young adults, their maturity level and perspective is hopelessly tied to their cognitive level of development and it is uneven.


I've never expected my children to act like adults and I have no clue where anybody would get that from what I wrote.

Helping a child and/or asking for advice to help a child learn to deal with situations beyond their control, changing plans, transitions and unpredictability once in a while is NOT expecting your child to be an adult. It's teaching them valuable life skills, IMO.



Geesmom
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01 Jun 2008, 5:23 pm

2ukenkerl wrote:

Well, I COULD conceivably have stayed at the same school for until 12th. I stayed through 2nd, went elsewhere for 3rd, and came back only for 4th. The 3rd grade was apparently where my life COULD have kept going, but changed for the worst. ALSO, being at the school through 12th could have given me a reputation to defeat any rumors and stop bullies, and could have given me the confidence to go elsewhere. So I think it would have.


Thanks 2ukenkerl. That is extremely enlightening for me.

I will likely keep "G" in private school. The alternative scares me too much. If I have to beg, steal or borrow, I want what's best for him and I wouldn't be able to handle bullies tormenting him.

His school right now is great and his teachers are great and they really cultivate and cater to his hyperlexia and hypermathia. He's happy there.

Your story scares me. I don't want that happening to him! Thank you again!



Emoal6
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01 Jun 2008, 5:26 pm

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Thanks for taking this so off topic and making my son's immature coping skills something to degrade his mother over and place blame on his mother over. I'm sure he wouldn't even have Aspergers if only he had a stay at home mom who read books on occcupational therapy (which I have already, thanks.)


WAY TO GO BLAMING YOUR AUTISTIC CHILD FOR THINGS HE CANT CONTROL! WAY TO GO MOM!

You're a dumbass arent you? Its you and your husbands fault your child is on the ASD. Its genetic you idiot, so if you didnt realize that, you shouldnt be a parent.

And I dont need any counseling for what my mother did to me MA'AM. Ive served my country HONORABLY and have been DISCHARGED HONORABLY. And guess what, I did that ALL ON MY OWN. Sometimes the truth hurts dear, deal with it.

It seems You cant deal with the devil's advocate tho, thats your fault. you just want to believe its all your sons fault and you need to CORRECT HIM. Maybe you should just ACCEPT him. Maybe you should look at yourself and think, am I looking out for his best intrest, or my own. you had the kids, not me. I know Im autistic, and If I ever have kids, they'll be adopted. I wont allow another kid to deal with what I had to, at any cost.

By the way, you realize you said your child was 5! 5 years old and you expect him to be a perfect citizen. Do you expect him to have rationality? Are you insane? Not even normal 5 year olds are perfect little angels. GROW UP DEAR! REALIZE LIFES NOT WHAT YOU DREAMED IT WOULD BE.

You have an autistic child and its your job to make sure he's as happy as possible. He didnt ask to be born, but you're asking him to change? HES 5 you stupid old hag! Oh, and heres a concept, how bout you ask the kid what can be done. See if he realizes what he's doing is wrong, or that there's another way. MAYBE YOU SHOULD DO SOME PARENTING? OH, AND WHERE THE HELL IS THE DAD? DID YOU RUN HIM OFF BEING INSANE? EXPECTING TOO MUCH FROM PEOPLE?



Geesmom
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01 Jun 2008, 5:47 pm

Emoal6, as you stated previously, I'm sorry your mother was horrible and didn't breastfeed you or whatever, but I am not your mother and I refuse to be the conduit of your resentment towards her.

My son is a beautiful little boy, full of life and humor. Yes, I get frustrated and tired of always having to be on edge over the next crisis that ensues because his schedule was thrown off a few minutes. Helping him resolve this inability to transition will ultimatley help me beome a better parent (which in turn, helps the entire family, his brother too). This is the least I can do for him and our family. I *know* Aspergers is not his fault, and it's not my fault either. It's nobody's fault. It's genetic, yes, but nothing that I would place resentful blame on anyone for. His skills will actually help him succeed in life and give him an edge on "normal" people because he's so bright and talented.

You are angry at me because you're picturing me as *your* mother. I'm not your mother and I don't want to be your mother and I think if you talk to someone about the way your mother treated you and you learn how to reconcile that, if you have the capacity to do so, it would go a long way in your emotional well being. I'm sorry your mother didn't give you what you needed. I really am. That is really sad and I hope you can come to terms with it someday.



Emoal6
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01 Jun 2008, 6:08 pm

Your absolutly ignorant to believe its "NO ONE'S FAULT". IT IS YOUR FAULT. ACCEPT THE BLAME YOU DESERVE. YOU CHOSE TO HAVE KIDS. NOW YOU'RE CRYING ABOUT HOW THEY ARE.

Me and my mom resolved our problems so you can leave that out. You dont need to bring up everyone elses childhood as their reasoning, some people just use logic. As for me and my mom, we realized(BECAUSE OF HOW BRIGHT I WAS, NOT HER, kinda like your son), that we're autistic and that certain things WONT change. There are certain times when you just back off and let the other person finish thier "tantrum", as you put it.

You are TRYING TO CHANGE YOUR SON, Whether you realize it or not(trust me, HE DOES). And I wont sit idle by and listen to parents slander thier own children. He's 5. He has no concept of what he's doing is wrong. He sees it as releasing emotions. Now, if you tell him to stop doing that, this is what can happen. You ready?

Your son learns to hold everything in. Keeps his mouth shut as he bites his tongue. People all around him treat him like s**t and there is no one around to help him. There is no one who cares about him and what he's dealing with. He then decides to either a) Kill himself, or b) OTHERS.

You're treating this as if you are a high and mighty queen. You are not ma'am, you're honestly a horrible person and your opinion is flawed of everyone else thats responded to your "Cry for help". You want to call ANYONE who doesnt say what you want to hear a troll. you want the truth to be covered with lies. You want your son to be normal and you hold that against him, again, wether you notice it or not. CHILDREN say things like "Everyone hates me, I should just leave" for a reason, and its not cause they heard someone else say it. And I didnt put words in your mouth, YOU SAID HE'S SAID THOSE. We can sense hate instead of love. We can also sense resentment, and abandonment. He just cant tell you why he feels those things. He cant tell you what he's doing or why its wrong.

You just cant get it through your head that you could POSSIBLY be wrong here. That maybe you're putting too much on his plate too young. Maybe you should just let the kid be a kid?



2ukenkerl
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01 Jun 2008, 6:32 pm

Emoal6 wrote:
Quote:
Thanks for taking this so off topic and making my son's immature coping skills something to degrade his mother over and place blame on his mother over. I'm sure he wouldn't even have Aspergers if only he had a stay at home mom who read books on occcupational therapy (which I have already, thanks.)


WAY TO GO BLAMING YOUR AUTISTIC CHILD FOR THINGS HE CANT CONTROL! WAY TO GO MOM!

You're a dumbass arent you? Its you and your husbands fault your child is on the ASD. Its genetic you idiot, so if you didnt realize that, you shouldnt be a parent.


WOW, maybe you ARE ASD! I think it is clear she was being sarcastic. She just didn't understand that we might have trouble with that. She was saying that even if she DID stay at home that it would be ludicrous to believe that her son would become NT.

I will say one thing though GEESMOM... His coping skills aren't really "immature". I had LOTS of problems. Some I suffered through. Fire Alarms, for example. A couple months ago, we had a fire alarm here. I got NEW earplugs I carried around for months. I misplaced them recently, due to the poorly designed container. I was about ready to get a fog horn to BLAST IT into the ears of any demeaning hotel clerks the NEXT time after I complained! It might get me fired, or sued, but I would get my point across. Loud noises and/or certain pitches are ********PAINFUL******** to me! How would you like it if I poked huge needles in your ears? It is THAT bad! People laugh, and I USUALLY seem normal. When there is a firealarm, I am EASY to spot! I am FARTHER away, and the ONLY one with my hands plugging my ears. Lights and heat are the same. As for cold? I bet I can stand a MUCH colder environment almost naked than you can with a raincoat. In fact, I could probably stand it 30 degrees(F), about 17degrees(C), colder for an hour longer. You have to realize his senses may be skewed like a lot of ours are. If you don't realize that, you can never hope to understand some problems.

Emoal6 wrote:
And I dont need any counseling for what my mother did to me MA'AM. Ive served my country HONORABLY and have been DISCHARGED HONORABLY. And guess what, I did that ALL ON MY OWN. Sometimes the truth hurts dear, deal with it.

It seems You cant deal with the devil's advocate tho, thats your fault. you just want to believe its all your sons fault and you need to CORRECT HIM. Maybe you should just ACCEPT him. Maybe you should look at yourself and think, am I looking out for his best intrest, or my own. you had the kids, not me. I know Im autistic, and If I ever have kids, they'll be adopted. I wont allow another kid to deal with what I had to, at any cost.

By the way, you realize you said your child was 5! 5 years old and you expect him to be a perfect citizen. Do you expect him to have rationality? Are you insane? Not even normal 5 year olds are perfect little angels. GROW UP DEAR! REALIZE LIFES NOT WHAT YOU DREAMED IT WOULD BE.


Like I said, each parent takes a different path. It sounds like she realized that from the beginning. SHE WAS ASKING FOR HELP!

Emoal6 wrote:
You have an autistic child and its your job to make sure he's as happy as possible. He didnt ask to be born, but you're asking him to change? HES 5 you stupid old hag! Oh, and heres a concept, how bout you ask the kid what can be done. See if he realizes what he's doing is wrong, or that there's another way. MAYBE YOU SHOULD DO SOME PARENTING? OH, AND WHERE THE HELL IS THE DAD? DID YOU RUN HIM OFF BEING INSANE? EXPECTING TOO MUCH FROM PEOPLE?


MAN what a reach. Do us all a favor, and don't say anything more about this.



Last edited by 2ukenkerl on 01 Jun 2008, 6:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Geesmom
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01 Jun 2008, 6:40 pm

Emoal6 wrote:
Your absolutly ignorant to believe its "NO ONE'S FAULT". IT IS YOUR FAULT. ACCEPT THE BLAME YOU DESERVE. YOU CHOSE TO HAVE KIDS. NOW YOU'RE CRYING ABOUT HOW THEY ARE.


Unlike you, I don't think my son's existence needs an excuse nor does it require blame of any kind. Why would I blame anybody for a wonderful boy whom I love dearly? Does he pose some challenges for me and himself? Yes. I don't see any shame in admitting that, in fact I would argue that it's quite healthy to admit it and look for support and advice from others who have gone through it.

Emoal6 wrote:
Me and my mom resolved our problems so you can leave that out. You dont need to bring up everyone elses childhood as their reasoning, some people just use logic.


Actually, you were the one that made it personal to begin with. If your problems were truly resolved with your mother, I highly doubt you would still be carrying around your anger towards her. My son and I have become the unfair targets of *your* childhood, not his. Not every Autistic child was treated like you were.



sinagua
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01 Jun 2008, 6:42 pm

:( People come here for help, for perspective, and get torn a new one for it. "Bad Parents" don't ask for help, they don't seek other opinions like the OP is doing here. I think it's horrible that people here are being so vicious to the OP. I didn't read anything in her post that led me to believe she's a horrible parent, just frustrated and unsure of what to do. I don't know a parent who hasn't been there before, regardless of their kids' dx (or their own).

I just don't see how it's helpful to be so vicious to this woman. I could've written similar things that she did, and when my son was 5 I was also at the end of my rope. It's a difficult age, whatever child you have. At least she's seeking answers, knows what she's doing isn't effective, and thought she might find some helpful suggestions here, in this community which bills itself as a "RESOURCE" for people with (or parents of people with) autism and AS. So she comes here, and yes she sounds emotional - because she CARES - and gets flamed to hell and back for it.

I would like to meet the child who comes with operating instructions, or the parent who knows instinctually how to deal with every situation and has infinite patience and resources and wisdom. Because people here seem to expect the OP to possess such miraculous qualities, and presumably think they themselves possess such qualities, or else why would they judge her so harshly?

I'm ashamed on her behalf. This is not the way to "educate" the OP on how to best deal with difficult behaviors, by making her feel even worse than she did when she came here. Name calling and viciousness have no place on this forum, or any other.



Geesmom
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01 Jun 2008, 6:44 pm

Thank you so much 2ukenkerl for understanding that the intent of my asking for help/advice.

I really appreciate you!



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01 Jun 2008, 6:49 pm

Geesmom wrote:
Thank you so much 2ukenkerl for understanding that the intent of my asking for help/advice.

I really appreciate you!


First, sinagua responded, so you know I am not alone. And hopefully you read the rest of my last post. I DID, however, edit it later after I noticed one problem. I said:

I will say one thing though GEESMOM... His coping skills aren't really "immature". I had LOTS of problems. Some I suffered through. Fire Alarms, for example. A couple months ago, we had a fire alarm here. I got NEW earplugs I carried around for months. I misplaced them recently, due to the poorly designed container. I was about ready to get a fog horn to BLAST IT into the ears of any demeaning hotel clerks the NEXT time after I complained! It might get me fired, or sued, but I would get my point across.

Loud noises and/or certain pitches are ********PAINFUL******** to me! How would you like it if I poked huge needles in your ears? It is THAT bad! People laugh, and I USUALLY seem normal. When there is a firealarm, I am EASY to spot! I am FARTHER away, and the ONLY one with my hands plugging my ears. Lights and heat are the same.

As for cold? I bet I can stand a MUCH colder environment almost naked than you can with a raincoat. In fact, I could probably stand it 30 degrees(F), about 17degrees(C), colder for an hour longer. You have to realize his senses may be skewed like a lot of ours are. If you don't realize that, you can never hope to understand some problems.

So WHO KNOWS!? That might be a BIG part.



Emoal6
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01 Jun 2008, 6:50 pm

2ukeneral,

I havent said a word about you or your opinions, other than to acknowledge when I didnt make it clear I was being sarcastic. I havent said anything about what you're saying, so why are you butting in? Im telling her the cold hard truth, and if you cant understand that, you need to leave it alone.

You obviously dont seem to be on the asd. And if you are, you had parents that cared about you truely. Im happy for you. What Im doing though is looking out for a kid who has no one looking out for them. This whole thread was created because a 5 year old cant control his temper tantrums. He's 5. What do you expect from him? Not too mention he's been diagnosed at 4 with AS.

You seems to be just skimming what i write instead of READING AND COMPREHENDING. Im telling this woman to realize her son is different NOW, instead of face this path of obstruction and DESTRUCTION. You will make this kid hate you if you try to change him so early. By not looking through his eyes, you will ostracize him. You obviously do not care at all about the child, just the ignorant woman who gave birth to it.

I on the other hand, have no care for the woman, only the child she has given birth too. Because, as far as I can see, this woman only cares about herself. She's "tired of a his negative behaviour". Kids are kids, and they're gonna do what they want, no matter what. And this kid doesnt deserve to be placed on the internet as a problem child. He deserves the same respect as any other person on the spectrum. He deserves the chance to be heard and understood for what he knows and comprehends. What he comprehends when his stuff is missing is that someone stole it. What he comprehends when he just wanted to help out is that he cant. Are you starting to see a clearer view or are you as ignorant as her?

And anyone who says its not the parents fault that the kid is autistic is an idiot. You gave birth to the kid. If its not his fault(WHICH IT ISNT), its yours. And you need to step up and take responsibility for your actions. You had kids, now you have to raise them. its ok to ask for help, but its not ok to make yourself look like a victim because you have autistic kids. Its not ok to hate or hold frustration towards your kids WHEN its something they have no control over. He's 5, give him a year or 2 and than maybe you can work on his social skills and reactions. All you do at this age is start resentment. Make a kid feel like he's a robot to be programmed, and not a lving soul who can reason for himself. He just needs time, and its obviously TOO MUCH to ask for from this lady.



Geesmom
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01 Jun 2008, 6:54 pm

sinagua wrote:

I'm ashamed on her behalf. This is not the way to "educate" the OP on how to best deal with difficult behaviors, by making her feel even worse than she did when she came here. Name calling and viciousness have no place on this forum, or any other.


Thank you sinagua. At least there are a few compassionate and understanding people on this forum. I will tell you one thing, aside from you and 2ukenker's kindness, I am truly demoralized by the responses. I mistakenly thought this forum would be filled with parents all going through varying stages/trials of Aspergers children who were willing to offer support to other parents. I will NEVER come here again to ask for advice again, that's for sure. I thought this was a support website. I thought wrong. Obviously this is a very intolerant place for parents who don't claim to have all the answers.

I do thank you for your kind words though.



Geesmom
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01 Jun 2008, 7:16 pm

2ukenkerl wrote:
I will say one thing though GEESMOM... His coping skills aren't really "immature".


I meant "immature" as in, underdeveloped. I did not mean it as derogatory. I can't believe anybody would use it as an insult to their own child to begin with!

Having said that, I am not a physician or therapist and if the word is offensive, I do apologize. I understand that he isn't doing these things to annoy me, but I also understand that my going along with every ritual to the best of my ability is all I can do and is not always possible or practical every single day of his life. Life is not always the same and as much as my husband and I cater to his eccentricities (please don't be offended by that word either, I'm just picking words that express his behaviors to the best of my ability), he would greatly benefit from learning how to be deal with changes in a way that works for him because let's face it, change happens.

I am not trying to change him and realize that some of his behaviors will never change and are part of his identity and who he is, which is fine -- if and when it can be accommodated (which is most of the time, but not all of the time). Having ear plugs is a great solution to your sensory issue, but expecting other people to make unrealistic concessions, such as walking around the car three times, well, I'm not doing him any favors by doing this. (And he doesn't have OCD. I have been to a top Neurological Behavioral Pediatrician and it has to do with him trying to cope when he's in a comfortable environment, ie; with me. He doesn't do these things at his Grandmother's house.)

In fact, he's gotten a lot better since we have developed some boundaries to his rituals and using social stories etc.. Lately, it just seems to be a test of wills and him gaining control and seeing how far his expectations and demands will be accommodated. Probably normal behavior for any kid but I guess he's just going through a particularity difficult period and trying to test himself and us. We will get through this in whatever way is best for "G". I was hoping to get some tips here and was sadly mistaken that this forum would be an appropriate place to ask for such advice.



Last edited by Geesmom on 01 Jun 2008, 7:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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01 Jun 2008, 7:19 pm

Geesmom wrote:
The problem I'm having lately is his behavior. I cannot take it anymore. My other son as ADHD and I feel like I'm gonna lose it. G, my 5 year old aspergers son, is having temper tantrums left and right. He will wake up and decide he wants to feed the dog, but we don't know that he wanted to feed the dog, so we tell him we already did it and an hour of hell ensues. He also has certain regiments, like his 6 stuffed animals he sleeps with and if one of lost, we are up all night with *screaming* and balls to walls tantrums. When he gets in trouble for throwing fits over things that happened 6 weeks ago, he has so friggin' clue what he's being punished for. When I tell him a certain behavior isn't nice, he freaks out and cries and hits. He'll say things that might seem appropriate, "Everybody hates me. You wish I would just leave," but the problem is, he's simply regurgitating what his much older brother yells when he gets in trouble. G has no clue what he's just said, he just says it. If one of his favortie things breaks, we are held prisoners of this downward regression of screaming, crying and demands that it be fixed or we get a replacement right away. Although his regiments seem to be changing with the wind, we have no idea which rituals are new and/or changed and are now afraid of our little 5 year old that anything will set him off.


You got to get tough on your son, plain and simple. Threaten to take away his stuff that keeps him happy and safe, it will be hell for a while but eventually he will break. I was an extremely stubborn child and my parents were marshmellows and always let me get my way, I'd take it to extremes by threating to ruin walls (punching holes in them) or destroying stuff if I didn't get my way. By the way things are going you are being TOO accomodating, you're playing a dangerous game of letting him become accustomed to abusing you and getting his own way, he needs to see and understand that he is in fact causing major problems. Some kids you cannot be compassionate with at all because he clearly disrespects you and it seems he has no concern for you at all, so the next time he says "you hate me and wish I would leave" throw it back in his face, and say NO "it's that you hate me and wish I would leave, you treat us like crap". Use the principle of reflectance, he is plainly being disrepsectful and unloving.

Ask him straight out :"Do you love us and care about us... now does a unloving person do x, y and z (i.e. what he does to you to make you miserable) towards someone they love and claim to care abou? Life is about actions not words."

That's the hard truth, and it sounds like your son is one of them.

Quote:
What can I do to help him and help me??

TIA!


You need to get a spine. When he is doing annoying behaviour DO IT BACK TO HIM, it will seem silly but do it, annoy the living crap out of him by mocking his behaviour he will get annoyed and say "I hate it when you do that" and then you come down wiith the clincher "If you hate it when I do that, then why do you do it to us?"/ I'm not with the "Accomodate everything crowd" some kids are beyond help and if I were able to, I'd have a "kid prison", where troubled kids get locked up. Kids have become almost criminal in how they treat their parents. Time outs only work on kids that genuinely care about you and concerned abou your feelings, otherwise they are for suckers.



Last edited by ZakFiend on 01 Jun 2008, 7:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.