Private school does not mean better

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natesmom
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09 Sep 2008, 7:15 pm

My son is doing well in school but two days a week he has after school care on campus. The kids are SO RUDE to him. Today when I went to pick him up, he was sitting near some other kids and I heard them say, "Leave us alone, your mom is here anyways so go." He was just sitting there but at that moment he proceeded to knock their stuff down. Maybe he gets on their nerves because he orders people around and it is hard to play with him but he also gets extremely hurt as well. He acts like it doesn't hurt him but it does. He then told the kids, "I have 171 friends." This other kid said, "Yeah right." This is a christian school.
Another time, he asked another student what they were wearing and this kid rolled his eyes and said, "It's for football." If my son was alone, the kid would have ignored him. It hurts to see my son already being ignored and treated poorly by other kids.

When he does make a friend, he says "My friend come here." He went the local playground the other day and met a little girl. The girl introduced herself to him. Then a few minutes later she left him. He was walking around the play ground saying over and over, "My friend, where are you, where are you my friend." He was saying this for five minutes. I helped him find the girl. He didn't recognize her face when I reintroduced them. He said, "Are you my friend?" She said, "Yes." Two minutes later, she left him. He was very hurt but continued to play with himself.

I really really hate this. It hurts to see this as a parent. My son wants to socialize and have friends but people just don't understand differences. I was thinking at a Christian school they would have taught these kids to love each other but they are still kids and kids will be kids. I hated school as well and people didn't want to play with me. I am a little NT (ADD). I went through depression. My son is already anxious and showing signs of sadness.

I can't homeschool yet. I work part time. Perhaps in a few years we will go that route. He still wants to be around other kids and have friends. I heard there was an AS group in this city. A group of parents who homeschool their kids and they get together for outings. I hope I can find this group!



Fnord
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09 Sep 2008, 7:31 pm

This is so very saddening. :( It brought back memories of my school years. :cry:

NatesMom wrote:
I was thinking at a Christian school they would have taught these kids to love each other...

Religious schools are really no better than secular schools. The only 'advantages' they have is that the teachers and administrators might try to 'guilt-trip' the students into better behavior (remember, God is watching!), or they may threaten the kids with being sent back to public school. Either way, it serves only to make the kids' cruelty more subtle and covert. Besides, it seems that most other parents put thier kids into religious schools for reasons other than an alleged 'enlightened' atmosphere - they just want their kids to get better grades than they would in a public school.

I don't really have any suggestions, as I sometimes wonder how I survived school at all. Have you tried discussing this with a school guidance counselor? Do they have a Chaplain, Pastor, or Priest that you can discuss your son's problems with?

I wish there was something I could do...


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liloleme
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09 Sep 2008, 7:33 pm

My son went to a private school for pre school and kindergarten. Im very upset that we wasted the money. My son would come home crying that he had no friends because he was not cool.....at 5 years old. Plus they had difficulties teaching him and did not assess him or let us know until the end of his kindergarten year. Now Im trying to go through a charter school (home school) and my son doesnt even know what an R is and can not count past 20. I have my work cut out for me. Hopefully we will get his diagnosis soon so I can get some extra help....although Im not holding my breath. The only reason we sent our son to this school is that it was a French immersion school. My husband is French and we will probably be moving there in the next year or two. They didnt teach him anything useful in French either....and he already speaks French because of my husband.



DW_a_mom
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09 Sep 2008, 8:33 pm

Your son is still really young, am I correct? Even in the best of schools, that DO teach acceptance, it takes a while. I would say the turn at my son's school was sometime in 3rd grade, where the kids who had been mean or rude started to "get" it and act with more sensitivity to my child.

It probably also helped that my son had pragmatic speech training and social skills help during the same period.

But, really, I still see it. It's the K and 1st grade parents who complain about bad behavior and hurt feelings, all the teachers work on it CONSTANTLY, and you really see the difference in the 4th and 5th graders. Even then, you can get new kids who have been taught the values as well, and it will take them time to get the message.

So ... look at the school as a whole, not just what is happening today. I know that is not any easier for you or your son, you will have to deal with each incident and each child on a case by case basis, and talk through all these situations with your child, but I would be careful to start making changes solely because some little ones don't know yet how to be truly inclusive.

Also, if the issues seem to be occurring mostly at after-care, perhaps the supervision and atmosphere there isn't all it could be, and it would be better to find a different situation for the afternoons.

I am so sorry, though. I do remember those years, the disconnect between what my son wanted in friendships and what he was able to achieve. It is SO much better now. Night and day. But it was a long journey, and often a painful one. You have to trust your instincts, that you've made the best choices and arranged the needed services, you have to keep talking it out with your child, and then let time run it's course.


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natesmom
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09 Sep 2008, 9:50 pm

It is happening in the after school care and the kids who are doing it are around the 2nd - 4th grade. Usually the kids in kindergarten through 2nd grade are fine with him, ironically. I haven't noticed anything in his kindergarten but I am not in there. I do believe his difficulties may have a little to do with supervision.

My son is also in social skills training but he just started. He is also a very young 5 year. old. I am thinking about having attend full day kindergarten next year at the same school because I really like the full day teacher. They do things differently in full day. He is academically advanced but socially struggles. Some of it is due to his age and a part of it is due to his being on the spectrum. He does take a lot longer to complete his work because he is just very "OCD" like. Everything needs to be perfect before he moves on to the next assignment.

I am not going to pull him out. He doesn't seem too upset by it. He just seems to have difficulties with a few of them. He only attends the after school program twice a week. If I had to work full time, I would consider other options for him instead of the after school program. I am just not impressed. He did tell me a few weeks ago that some kids were mean to him there. If it continues, I will look into other options.


He is in social skills training but it will take him a little while for him to transfer his knowledge to a social situation.

Thanks for letting me know that things are so much better now!! How old is your son?

Liloleme- that sounds like a horrible experience. Absolutely horrible. I am so sorry. How is home school going??

Fnord - I have already noticed that it is more subtle and covert. My son attended the summer school program and had the same difficulties. I think they are the same kids. talking with the guidance counselor is a really good idea! Thank you. I will ask her to see him a few times a month.



Fnord
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09 Sep 2008, 10:03 pm

You're welcome ... any time!


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liloleme
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09 Sep 2008, 10:28 pm

Home schooling is difficult to say the least. I have found some ways to help my son to stay focused and to keep him on task when doing things he hates. He really hates writing...he says the pencil is wiggly and he is obsessed with his eraser....OCD, everything has to look perfect. It can take him up to an hour just to write a row of letters. I have found some games and things that he is interested in online so that is helping. He loves Science so I try to keep that for the end of the day so he has something to look foward to.



natesmom
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09 Sep 2008, 11:25 pm

Your son sounds like mine. I read another post of yours and they sound like twins! It takes forever for my son to complete the most basic of homework assignments because he always has to erase what he has done to do it better. That is with tracing and writing a row of letters, too. He is good with writing only because he has to have the letters perfect. He doesn't seem to like writing, though. He grips his pencil extremely tight and seems to struggle.


He is also not really into learning to read. He told me today that he doesn't want to learn to read until he is ten years old but he will learn more numbers :lol: . He is good with math concepts - like his dad. Before he turned five years old, he told me that he wouldn't learn to read until he turned five. Now that he is five, he changed his mind. He is a pretty funny but I need to find a way to motivate him to learn to read. I honestly think that more online games would help.


What online games does your son play??

I don't know if I would be a good home school parent but if our experience becomes worse, I would rather pull him then let him lose his great personality and feel like hell about himself. That is my worst nightmare - ultimate worst.



leechbabe
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10 Sep 2008, 4:47 am

We were considering the local private school for our NT daughter who starts school next year. Our HFA / AS daughter wont be at school for another two years.

I went for the interview and once they found out that our NT daughter had a sibling with special needs they told us straight up if I wanted my girls to attend the same school then we'd be better off sending our NT daughter to the local govt. school. Apparently they don't get enough funding for special needs kids :roll:

Who needs a Catholic education anyway. Their school had class sizes of 30+. Local govt school has maximum class size of 20 and one on one aides for special needs kids.



DW_a_mom
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10 Sep 2008, 1:00 pm

natesmom wrote:

I do believe his difficulties may have a little to do with supervision.



That is highly probable. I think kids needs adults around who "see," and the minimum rules for childcare just are not enough. The difference, for example, between my daughter's preschool and my son's on this was night and day. While my son's school "officially" had a a higher teacher ratio, they did their prep work during class hours, and the second teacher was often gone and not paying an ounce of attention for very long stretches. During playground time the teachers were with the kids who wanted to do crafts, and weren't really watching the other ones. But in my daughter's preschool, it was practically a 180. Teachers did prep before; sub's came in for breaks, and those on playground duty were like hawks, pro-actively redirecting children they knew had issues with each other, etc. I SO wish my son's preschool experience had been like that - I know now just how much difference that watchful eye really makes for him.

natesmom wrote:

Thanks for letting me know that things are so much better now!! How old is your son?



You are welcome. He is 11, just started middle school. I think this is the calm before the adolescent storm, though, so we are trying to think ahead a bit. Still, I LOVE this age. He is such a gem.


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DW_a_mom
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10 Sep 2008, 1:08 pm

natesmom wrote:

He is also not really into learning to read. He told me today that he doesn't want to learn to read until he is ten years old but he will learn more numbers :lol: . He is good with math concepts - like his dad. Before he turned five years old, he told me that he wouldn't learn to read until he turned five. Now that he is five, he changed his mind. He is a pretty funny but I need to find a way to motivate him to learn to read. I honestly think that more online games would help.



This was my son, as well. He started reading "late," basically, and then took off with it. The resource specialist believes it had a lot to do with eye tracking and brain maturity. He was sort of making of excuses for not wanting to do it because, in reality, it was too hard and that he couldn't reconcile that with his self-image. His interest level was also so far beyond his ability level, that what he could read was dead dull and what he wanted to read was impossible. We kept reading to him, of course. At one point he actually said that he wanted me to read to him for the rest of his life, because it was just so much more pleasant that way, and he didn't think he EVER wanted to learn to read! ANYWAY, we talked quite a bit about how even if he never wanted to read for pleasure, that reading would give him to access to so many things that WERE important to him, and on and on ...

And then one day he just was ready. The bridge got crossed, and he now reads quite far above grade level.

I think the only one to claim credit for it is him.


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DW_a_mom
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10 Sep 2008, 1:15 pm

natesmom wrote:
It takes forever for my son to complete the most basic of homework assignments because he always has to erase what he has done to do it better. That is with tracing and writing a row of letters, too. He is good with writing only because he has to have the letters perfect. He doesn't seem to like writing, though. He grips his pencil extremely tight and seems to struggle.



This has me wondering if the OCD is helpful, in a way ... My son has the same physical issues, without the OCD at least about writing, and he has basically never learned to write and never will. I know the OCD is it's own problem, but can you see a day where he's mastered it well enough to speed up and write somewhat effectively?

My son has gotten through school this far mostly dictating written work of any substantial length, and filling out his cryptic, impossible to read written answers verbally with teachers. But we're kind of at the fish or cut bait stage now that he is in middle school, and it was THE topic of discussion at his IEP yesterday. He has GOT to keyboard, that is all there is to it, and while I know there is voice assist technology out there, I think he will have a lot more independence if he doesn't have to go that route.

Oh, but I did leave that IEP meeting very optimistic. LOVE the new speech and OT specialists at the school. They had a FANTASTIC understanding of AS, I was surprised and pleased. Too bad the alloted 1/2 each of extra help simply cannot be expected to solve everything.


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10 Sep 2008, 3:01 pm

leechbabe wrote:
We were considering the local private school for our NT daughter who starts school next year. Our HFA / AS daughter wont be at school for another two years.

I went for the interview and once they found out that our NT daughter had a sibling with special needs they told us straight up if I wanted my girls to attend the same school then we'd be better off sending our NT daughter to the local govt. school. Apparently they don't get enough funding for special needs kids :roll:

Who needs a Catholic education anyway. Their school had class sizes of 30+. Local govt school has maximum class size of 20 and one on one aides for special needs kids.


That is absolutely horrible. I am sorry. It's awful as it is when they discriminate against the child that has special needs but they are holding it against her "typical" sibling? We tried sending my son to a Montessori school when he was 2 (and was at his worst, he has come so far since thank goodness) and he was uncontrollable at the time but when it was confirmed that he was autistic the principal said "we can't accept a child like that here".. it was awful. They didn't hold it against my daughter (that is not typical but is not under the spectrum either) but we pulled her out of it anyway because of how they treated my son!! Awful. I am glad they are now both going to GOOD schools. But finding them was a difficult task.


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10 Sep 2008, 3:33 pm

In my experience, the more christian a person proclaims themselves to be the more nastier they are.

I've seen "christians" sit around at church and make fun of other people/religions.

And the christian private school kids that we shared a bus with had the "I'm better than thou, you can never equal me no matter what and thats proven by what school I go to" attitude. The catholic school kids I had experience with weren't high and mighty but some did say the common things about catholic - ie by 12 almost all of them had smoked, by 14 most had sexual relations. No idea if thats actually true or just statements to help shake off their squeaky clean catholic school image though. Of course the difference between attitudes could have been that anyone who wanted to could get in the catholic schools so they didn't have the sense of beating the majority for a school with a waiting list like the christian school did. Funny thing is that the christian school provided one of the poorest educations in the area - kids who left that school and transferred to ours were typically taken back a grade because they were so far behind


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10 Sep 2008, 3:45 pm

Triangular_Trees wrote:
In my experience, the more christian a person proclaims themselves to be the more nastier they are.

I've seen "christians" sit around at church and make fun of other people/religions.

And the christian private school kids that we shared a bus with had the "I'm better than thou, you can never equal me no matter what and thats proven by what school I go to" attitude. The catholic school kids I had experience with weren't high and mighty but some did say the common things about catholic - ie by 12 almost all of them had smoked, by 14 most had sexual relations. No idea if thats actually true or just statements to help shake off their squeaky clean catholic school image though. Of course the difference between attitudes could have been that anyone who wanted to could get in the catholic schools so they didn't have the sense of beating the majority for a school with a waiting list like the christian school did. Funny thing is that the christian school provided one of the poorest educations in the area - kids who left that school and transferred to ours were typically taken back a grade because they were so far behind


I'm not surprised, I don't want to make any assumptions but I think the more "religious" someone is regardless of religion.. the more hypocritical they are. My brother and his wife claim to be "religious" but they are the most spoiled and judgmental people around! My sister in law supposedly was always "religious" but she contracted a STD at 15, gave it to my brother and lied about it. There is a good religious girl for you... :roll:


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