Homework help!! !

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Hello! My son is 10 and in 5th grade. He is normally a straight A student...however this year he switched schools and is having a very difficult time. In our city 5th - 8th graders are in an 'intermediate' school. He isn't turning in his homework, or returning it late and forgetting everything. At first my husband and I assumed it was 'summer brain' and gave him a couple weeks....then we thought he was bing lazy. I've helped him organize his folder(s), met w/ his teachers, we have an online homework website thru the school...etc.... We've tried EVERYTHING. He is getting 3 F's right now all due to missing assignments. If those had been returned he would be getting B's and an A in those classes. He's had detention, been grounded and I recently went as far as to threaten to take away trick-or-treating. This is harsh, I know. . .but I'm lost as to what else to do. The biggest problem is he doesn't seem to care about anything. He's never had this problem before....and he's switched schools before. The most frustrating thing is that the homework basket is w/in 3 ft. of his desk. Every kid has to pass him to return their homework each day and he could reach it w/out even getting up. He IS doing he work. . . .we help him and go thru his work every single night, he just keeps forgetting to return it. I remind him every morning....my husband reminds him again when he drops him off at school...yet that next evening the work is still in his folder. He then gets a '0'. We got his md-term grades and he was flunking 4 of 6 classes. He had 10 missing assignments. I opened his folder and I found 8 of them, completed, over 2 weeks late just sitting there. His answer to everything is 'I don't know' 'I don't remember' or he shruggs his shoulders. It's so frustrating!

Please, does anyone have any info. or suggestions that could help? I've tried to change my thinking...maybe he doesn't 'feel' pride or drive. Maybe he doesn't care because he doesn't feel what we do. I've tried to talk to him and explain that you should always work hard and do your best...especially if your name is on it. You should feel proud about your hard work, projects turned in and such. He just shruggs and does the bear minimum. I just don't know how to get thru to him and the 1st grading period is over....he will have 2 or 3 F's. It's not even the grades themselves that bother me...it's the fact that he does the work and doesn't get credit for it. Who does that? That's really the dumbest thing I've ever seen....why bother doing the work when you're not going to get credit?

Also, he's really struggling in Math. This is a subject he just can not grasp at all. Has anyone had any luck w/ tutors? Any suggestions? Multiplication is still a struggle, therefore everything else they introduce is almost impossible for him because they are 'next steps' after multiplication should be easy.

I appreciate it! He has not officially been diagnosed w/ Aspergers, however 3 different Psychologists have agreed he fits it very well. Right now he is seeing a Cognitive Psychologist to help him learn behaviors and such. We will go thru all the diagnosis details at a later time. But we're pretty sure he is high functionining Aspergers and has it slightly.
~Concerned mama~

middle school was a very difficult time here. our son, who had gotten A's and B's throughout elementary school began failing classes, not turning in work...........the social pressures of middle school was just too much for our son. we eventually had him placed in a therapeutic school instead of the regular middle school.

AS also often struggle with executive function issues. Your son may be feeling overwhelmed, and tuning out as a result.

If you can get a diagnosis you can get an IEP, and one possible accomodation would be for the teacher to specifically ask for his work.

Or, perhaps, he has some funny notion that if he flunks he'll get some result he thinks he wants. My son has done that. Kept it totally secret from us, but had some strange "plan." The sock stink bomb comes to mind ... he was actually hording his dirty socks thinking he could make them into a stink bomb to get back at a few kids he was having issues with at school. Every morning we were frantically looking for socks and wondering where the heck they all were going. DEFINITELY do some detective work to see if your son might be up to something. Especially since these ideas tend to be so off the wall and wrong headed, and doomed to failure, they just can't see it, it's the only plan they've got at the moment.

Counseling can be helpful with these sorts of things to, if there is a purposeful reason he doesn't feel he can share.

What you DO have is a warning sign: something is wrong, and he either isn't willing to share it, or hasn't figured it out for himself.

Well, several ideas come to mind:

1. He doesnt want to get good grades. I know that when I was his age I was routinely teased as the smart know-it-all. You might think that being smart is a good thing, but at that age it isnt. His fellow students probably arent very nice to the smart kids. Likewise, the teacher often expects more of the smart kids, and puts them up as an example to follow. This further alienates them, and making them a pariah amongst their peers.

2. He is just zoning out. I know I did this all the time in elementary school. The teacher is babbling on about useless things with no point in sight, so I would just stop listening and go into my own world. Really, there is little useful information taught in 5th grade. The math is useful, but when was the last time you had to diagram a sentence, or needed to know the dates of Columbus' voyages? Have you ever seen the show 'Are you smarter then a fifth grader'. They ask a lot of questions from 5th grade that the adults dont remember because the information is totally useless, and quickly forgotten. I cant blame your son for tuning it out. And of course, when your son tunes out the rest of the world, he can completely miss the fact that it is time for him to turn in homework.

3. Your son is trying to lower expectations. One of the biggest problems is that if you succeed once by trying very hard, then people expect you to do just as well at everything all the time, which is a very draining, and impossible task to do. Your son may be tired of working hour after hour after hour each night in order to get As. So, he is sabotaging himself. That way he can get held back, and just go for easy to get Cs. After repeating a grade, most people would probably would be happy with Cs and stop bothering him to work beyond his ability.

4. The difficulty in math is probably due to poor explanation. Too many teachers teach math as though it is some memorization task. They give you a multiplication table and expect you to remember that 6x7=42. There is no why, or how given, just a lot of numbers thrown at your child to memorize. That, despite being the most common method, is the absolutely worst way possible to teach multiplication, and is why so many children hate math. You need to first have a firm basis of counting, and then adding. All to often I see people who struggle with higher level math because they dont know how to count properly! That is the problem with the public schools system. They dont check to see if you understand, they just fail you if you cant memorize seemingly arbitrary memorization tasks.

Anyways, you probably want solutions, so here is my best advice:

1. Keep his grades private. A lot of teachers will try to point out people who are doing well via some sort of reward system. For example, they might give out stickers, or mention the children who are doing well, or in some way set them apart. Try to get the teacher to not do this. You can congratulate the child at home, you dont need the teacher announcing it in class and getting him bullied by his peers because of it.

2. Make him a schedule of things to do when he gets to school, for example:
- Get books ready for first subject
- Turn in homework
- sharpen pencil
- etc.

3. Try to worry less about grades, and more about raising a happy child. I know that if me or my brother didnt get good grades my mother would do nothing but nag and nag and nag us for days. If you use this approach, you are putting a lot of undue pressure on the kid. Keep in mind that his 5th grade marks dont mean anything at all. They dont go on a permanent record, they dont go to colleges, and they dont affect your son in any way. Don't make a huge deal out of it if he doesnt get strait As. Perhaps you could just set aside an hour per day to do homework, and thats it. Don't turn his entire childhood into school, let him have some time off from learning. If he happens to get Bs instead, then so be it.

4. Don't try to get your son to do things he cant do. If he is still struggling with multiplication, then dont try teaching long multiplication, or division. If you skip over things because he is getting behind the class, then his entire ability to do math will be built on a poor foundation, and he wont be able to do anything. Go back to where he first has problems. Test his ability to do addition. For example, if he has trouble with 21+28, then he isnt going to be able to do multiplication very well. Also, teach him to multiply several different ways. I know that most of the multiplication I do is not direct. For example, I can figure out 82x67 in my head easily enough. But I do it by figuring 82x67=(82)x(70-3)=5740-246=5494. This may seem more complex, but it often helps if you break down simple multiplication too. For example, 6x7=6x(5+2)=30+12=42. Or 6x7=(3+3)x7=21+21=42. You have to show him that 6x3 and 6x4 and 6x7 are not just arbitrary and pointless rules, they are all part of a pattern. You need to teach him the pattern more then the multiplication table. You can always forget a number on the table, but once you know the pattern, you will never forget how to solve a problem. If you forget what 6x7 is, you might remember that it is 6x6+6. Overtime your child will get faster by practice, and start to memorize the more common multiplications simply because he has seen it so often. But the memorization is the last step, understanding is the first, and often crucially missed step.

Thats very likely your reason then. Switching 2 schools before 5th grade is traumatic for NTS, just imagine how much worse the isolation and lack of security is for an aspie

Sometimes I did work and didn't turn it in. I thought it wasn't good enough. Or I thought it was too good, and the teacher would praise me for it, and I HATED praise! I NEVER wanted attention from anyone for anything. Praise is so embarrassing. Yuck.

There is something holding your son back from turning in the papers. It's real, and you need to find out what it is. And he needs acomodations (sp?) from the school district.

Hi there,
I do sympathise with your problem and agree with the previous poster that there is something holding him back from handing in his work. Some suggestions:

Could you ask the teacher to ask him quietly for his homework before he leaves school. Don't let them fob you off by telling you that they expect the kids to be responsible for this themselves, as this doesn't work in the case of your boy and they need to accommodate him in this regard. Official Dx or no, he needs help with this.

If he's worried about being singled out - for praise or censure - again ask the teacher not to mention his work.

Maths tutoring - definitely a good idea. I ran a tutoring business for a time and the gains kids can make are enormous. Often it's juat a matter of them gaining confidence because once they feel they can't do something, they set up barriers in their minds which stop them from trying. They've convinced themselves they'll fail anyway. A good tutor can turn that around and find and remediate the gaps in knowledge and understanding. The benefits of increased confidence carry over to all other aspects of school too.

Seems he's had a lot of 'stick' for his failures, might a bit of 'carrot' help? Rewards for small successes can be powerful.

I can sympathise with your frustration, when he's doing the work and not getting the credit he's due, but I think it's important to focus on the fact that he can actually do it (some maths excepted) and so he's obviously learning which is really what matters.

He must feel under pressure and misunderstood on all fronts at the moment. Your relationship with him and support for him at a difficult time is what's absolutely crucial to his happiness, so don't let this homework issue jepordise that. It just isn't worth it.

Friday I was in couple's therapy with my spouse. (We've just decided to split up, amicably.) Anyway, I have a cold and I was needing to grab a tissue, but the tissue box was across the room. I sat there and wondered what I should do for several minutes. Should I say I need a tissue, then get up and get one? Should I just get up? Would it alarm the therapist and my husband if I just got up without warning? Would they think I was crying? When should I interrupt? Now? When there is a pause? When it's my turn to speak? Ugh, so much anxiety over having to do something that will draw attention. And it's the same thing that I have gone through in countless other situations.

Your son is perhaps confused over exactly when to put the papers in the basket, or wondering about the proper procedure for doing so. Is he going to be reprimanded for getting out of his seat? Is he concerned about making the sounds of rustling papers when the classroom is quiet?

This is something I do know he does. When trying to ride a bike, new math or really anything he can't master in the 1st attempt. We've done lots of praise as well as help him these past 8 weeks. When he got detention the 1st 2 weeks for not returning homework I told him I was taking partial fault because I wasn't clear on how the A and B days worked and such. He never got into trouble and we ensured he knew he wasn't in any trouble...not to be ashamed etc....

Also, he and his brother get a lot. I'm not worried about that. We have always been careful to give more praise than 'nag' or otherwise. The first thing I ask him every single day is 'how was your day?" and "What was your favorite part?" etc... We have to focus on the positive quite a bit. I nicely remind him to do his homework before I get home and then I check it or help him when I get there. We've talked to him and asked him numerous times and in many ways 'why' he isn't returning it. He just forgets he says. It's so frustrating. Yes, we've also talked to his teachers via email, phone and 2 seperate face-to-face meetings.....we're all trying to help. Lately it's been a bit better....except for a project he forgot about and remembered the night before and attempted to do a half assed job. He had 2 weeks to do it...somehow I wasn't aware of it. Anyhow, I tried to look at it differently...maybe he doesn't feel pride, or feel what we do when it comes to 'why' we work hard or want somethign to be our best. So, instead, I talked to him about why it's important to turn in your best work....best for you, not compared to others. Try hard because you want to...not because you 'have to'. Have some pride in what you do....don't always do the bear minimum. He seemed to understand that a bit more and when he stayed up LATE finishing the project...he seemed to get some pride out of how it looked in the end. It was a step.

Also, I understand 5th grade won't make him or break him in life....but I also can not allow him to think it's acceptable to flunk classes. He is also in a school that is a big ahead of public schools...harder yet much more structured. He's a bit challenged for the 1st time in a long time. Sometimes he likes it and sometimes he doesn't. He has many more options which he loves. He's learning to make and use Powerpont (WOW!), plays in band, has the opportunity to join 'Lego Robotics Club'....for example. It's called an 'academy'. Still part of the public school system..not private....but you have to test to get in and they require many houres of parental involvement. He loves the school, teachers, clubs and classes...he's told me that....but he just won't return his work. UGH!

Anyway...enough rambling...thanks again for the feedback. I'll have my husband read them as well and we'll try some new things.

ACK! Middle school! I keep in close contact with teachers via email - they let me know what he is missing and then I can stay on top if it. If he needs to bring his book home to do this - I write it in his agenda and the teacher makes sure it comes home, so that the work can get done. Try requesting an aide to keep in organized (I know - good luck tried that myself only to get denied.) Now I stay in constant contact with teachers, they send a print out of missing assignments - allow extra time for them to be turned in as well.