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BoringAl
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08 Feb 2009, 1:09 pm

My dad shows many signs of AS. When I first started suspecting I may has a DD I mentioned it to my sister and she said she suspected that if I showed any signs it likely as from being raised by someone on the spectrum. At that point I looked back and it seemed obvious about him.

I think that it made things more difficult in some ways, especially communication, but I think that being raised outside the box can be a gift as well. I think the distance was a challenge for him and us kids.



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08 Feb 2009, 11:50 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:
After my son was diagnosed, I quickly came to the conclusion that my father had been AS, as well. And, he was a good father. Not a perfect one - perfect parents don't exist. And maybe not one of the best. But he cared a lot and really did his best. He stuck firmly all his life to what he thought was right, and while he couldn't handle criticism or disagreement, he did act with honor.

Harder than his AS, really, were the emotional issues he had because of his difficult childhood. This would be what may have caused negative effects on us kids, but we also always knew it didn't come from us, that it came from a place he himself couldn't understand. Somehow I learned to accept it early on and was able to dissassociate from that. But it did cause me to look for the wrong things in relationships with men. Well, heck, everyone carries baggage. And that wasn't the AS as much as the result of being AS in an inflexible world. It's the one thing I feel I can really change for my son, and so far it looks like we're succeeding with that. My son has a confidence my father was denied early on in his life. I hope to keep it that way.

Otherwise, what is left from the AS are a few funny stories. My father absolutely refused to "trouble" others with things like special orders, even after restaurants like Burger King began advertising that special orders were welcome. All I ever wanted was to get my hamburger without condiments, and the fast food places would have happilly done that, but the idea of asking made my dad uncomfortable, and he never would do it. That the taste was left in the bun after you scraped off as much as you could didn't sway him.

And he always insisted on making up the beds in a hotel before leaving the room, even after learning that this actually made the maid's jobs more difficult.

There definitely is a genetic component to AS, so even as a mostly NT daughter, the odds increased that I would have an AS child. Understanding my dad helps me raise my child. And raising my child gives me new insights and respect for my father. Funny how life is like that.


I almost have an identical story to you! So I wont write mine :) Our fathers sound identical in nature/personality etc.

I'm positive after digging into his background and personality trait that my father is also AS. Explains so many things, and a good clue that DS's disorder has come from my Dads side...Also given that my Brothers son has AS.



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12 Feb 2009, 2:15 pm

I suspect both my parents have AS. My mom has extreme social issues and even as a young child I felt sometimes as if I was having to parent her. She also has a illogical way of thinking though she doesn't have a lot of education so that may be part of it. She doesn't have sensory issues, other than with noise, as far as I have noticed. My dad on there other hand has very good social skills for the most part and likes to talk but he has some of the weirdest sensory issues I've ever heard of. I end up like a mix of both parents and diagnosed with AS and ADD.

My mom's dad and all her siblings and all their kids all seem to have Aspergers. Its a very funny family where everyone is antisocial and would rather be alone and resents being asked to help another family member when they would rather sit at home alone. Holidays consist of everyone in the family resenting having to socialize, but come to grandma's house anyway then a family argument usually results that lasts for most of the following year.



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16 Feb 2009, 10:40 pm

Ticker, I wonder if you are related to me. LOL My family is also full of Aspies. Probably more Aspies than not.



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16 Feb 2009, 10:58 pm

Jezabel_Starfox wrote:
I am just now discovering how growing up with parents who demonstrate a lot of aspie traits (although both are undiagnosed) has affected me. I always felt like a stranger to my own family and I really identifed with some of Tony Attwoods description of shared NT experiences growing up with AS parents. Nothing else I have ever read about describes my childhood more and I've been searching for insight for a long time. I do not hate my parents for being who they are and know they love me in their own way. They did their best and I'm glad for the opportunity to let go of some past hurts that I've held on to because I could never fully understand or appreciate their perspective until recently. When I met my husband, I felt such a strong sense of familiarity with him and now I understand why.

From Tony Attwoods book "The Complete Guide of Asperger's Syndrome"

Quote:
What are the reactions of the typical children in the family to having a parent with
Asperger’s syndrome? Each child will have his or her own way of coping. The typical
child can sometimes feel that he or she is ‘invisible’ or a nuisance to the parent with
Asperger’s syndrome, and may feel deprived of the acceptance, reassurance, encouragement
and love that he or she expects and needs. A daughter said she never felt loved by
her father with Asperger’s syndrome. When affection is given, the feeling is that it is
‘cold’ and may not actually be comforting. The child only feels valued for his or her
achievements, not for him- or herself. Conversations with the parent with Asperger’s
syndrome can be a prolonged monologue of the adult’s own problems, with only a brief
and superficial interest in the child’s problems. The child learns not to express emotions
such as distress or to expect compassion. There can also be embarrassment with regard
to how the parent affects the development of friendships. The daughter of a woman
with Asperger’s syndrome sent me the following example that illustrates many aspects
of having a parent with Asperger’s syndrome:

I almost had an Australian pen friend when I was 6 years old. I was very excited to
receive a letter from the other side of the world, long before the Internet existed. I
could hardly contain my excitement and couldn’t wait to write to this new friend
and exchange my news. I had read the letter and wanted to answer her questions, but my mother had other ideas. ‘There are spelling mistakes in this letter, first you
must correct her spelling mistakes and send the corrected letter back to her. This is
how she will learn to spell’. I don’t know whether this little girl learned to spell
because I never heard from her again.


There are several coping mechanisms. The lack of affection and encouragement, and
high expectations can result in the child becoming an adult who is a high achiever, as an
attempt to eventually experience the parental adulation that was missing throughout
childhood. Another mechanism is to escape the situation, spending time with the
families of friends, and leaving home as soon as possible, preferably some distance away,
to avoid family reunions. One of the reactions can be an intense hatred of the parent
with Asperger’s syndrome for not being the parent the child needs. The child may
encourage the non-Asperger’s syndrome parent to seek a divorce, but separation is not
easy, since it is clear that the partner with Asperger’s syndrome probably could not cope,
practically or emotionally, alone.

When children become adults and recognize later in life that one of their parents
had Asperger’s syndrome, they can finally understand the personality, abilities and
motives of their mother or father. A daughter explained that, ‘I never felt loved by my
father. The diagnosis has enabled me to love and accept my family and remove their
ability to hurt me emotionally.’


I have definitely felt invisible and disliked by my parents most (or all) of the time. They never spoke to me or bothered to teach me anything. I don't think they realized they were supposed to. I was just an inconvenience, a chore to mind. I definitely learned not to express emotions, but I think I probably had an inborn tendency to not express them anyway. My parents have no concept of other people having emotions, so every emotion I expressed was called 'fake' by them, and I was made fun of for it. They also called everyone on TV fake. Like a clip of people crying over some disaster on the news, they would say, "Oh they are so fake!"

I also escaped, staying with friends a lot. Then at 16 I put myself into a boarding school in another state, earning scholarships to pay my way through. I married at age 20. That was also kind of an escape, an attempt to make the family I wanted.

Now I'm happy to be divorcing, supporting myself and kids and living the life I want independently.

I'm glad to know my parents are likely Aspie now. It puts me in control of the relationship. I'm Aspie too, so it isn't just NT children who can be hurt by Aspie parents.



Sunfish_McCaul
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18 Feb 2009, 10:55 pm

I have a lot of probable, undiagnosed Aspies in my family. My dad, to start with, as well as four out of his five siblings and his father.
It's a great family; they sit around swapping dirty and/or surreal jokes when they're not off on an esoteric tangent about history or politics. Most of my aunts and uncles seem to have only a few moods: bemused, irritated, vacant or cheerful.
But my dad is a bit more emotionally expansive. He's spent most of his fatherhood trying to avoid repeating the mistakes of his emotionally vacant father. I'd say he's succeeded.



graemephillips
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24 Feb 2009, 9:26 am

A lot of people here born to an aspie parent seem to be saying that the parent in question was extremely strict. I am a male diagnosed (more or less) as having Asperger's syndrome in my mid-20s and would like children of my own some day. However, one thing I have considered is that I might have less slack to cut my children on account of being an aspie and may therefore need to be more of a disciplinarian than if I were a neurotypical. I am not sure what I would think about physical discipline if I weren't a Christian, but given that I am one, I view it as being mandatory (Proverbs 13:24). I view it as being paramount that parents maintain self-control wherever possible and it is my view that a responsible parent will understand that everyone has a limited patience span, attempt to learn the extent of his/her patience span and take steps to discipline his/her children long before the boundaries of his/her patience have been reached. If I have children of my own, I will want to do my best by them at whatever cost to myself, which will undoubtedly mean using physical discipline on them for matters that other parents might consider minor so that I can stay within my limits and having the courage to stay on the path because I know it is the right thing, regardless of how distressing I find it. If I have children of my own, it is my view that I will be morally obliged to lay down my life for my children and/or wife if necessary (Ephesians 5:25), and so any pain I might cause myself by the use of physical discipline on my children is a minor matter.

Many "experts" in the field of autism spectrum conditions like to berate fathers on the spectrum for being disciplinarians, but I think that in many cases, they are merely being responsible fathers. If a neurotypical wife has the luxury of having a significantly longer patience span, she should not go out of her way to make life harder for her aspie husband by berating him for resorting to discipline earlier than she would otherwise do, or by undercutting him. Instead, she should be giving him as much moral support as is necessary to function as the leader of his family.



mysterious_misfit
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28 Feb 2009, 9:11 am

graemephillips, if you are talking about spanking, you need to do further research into child development. Spanking is never beneficial to a child, and destroys trust between the child and parent.

I think all Aspergian parents need to make sure to constantly develop a wider parenting vocabulary. A parenting vocabulary is the mental catalog of parenting techniques you can pull from. You don't want to end up doing just one parenting technique over and over. Like my parents who spanked over every little thing because they had no idea what else they could do. They had a parenting vocabulary of only one thing.



graemephillips
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28 Feb 2009, 9:32 am

mysterious_misfit wrote:
graemephillips, if you are talking about spanking, you need to do further research into child development. Spanking is never beneficial to a child, and destroys trust between the child and parent.

I think all Aspergian parents need to make sure to constantly develop a wider parenting vocabulary. A parenting vocabulary is the mental catalog of parenting techniques you can pull from. You don't want to end up doing just one parenting technique over and over. Like my parents who spanked over every little thing because they had no idea what else they could do. They had a parenting vocabulary of only one thing.


I have no intention of doing any further research into child development. If the Bible describes it as mandatory (Proverbs 13:24), then as far as I'm concerned, I have absolutely no reason to look into things any further. It is my view that no human has any wisdom in excess of that in the Bible.

I fully agree that all parents need to have a wide vocabulary of techniques. A parent who only knows how to use spanking is a weak parent. Spanking should be used as part of a sliding scale of techniques (e.g. first offence verbal warning, second offence naughty corner and third offence spanking). If your parents found themselves spanking you (and any siblings you might have had) excessively, it suggests shortcomings in their application of the technique. Used properly, spanking is an essential tool for raising disciplined children, but used improperly, it either makes no difference or makes things worse.



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28 Feb 2009, 3:04 pm

graemephillips wrote:
I have no intention of doing any further research into child development. If the Bible describes it as mandatory (Proverbs 13:24), then as far as I'm concerned, I have absolutely no reason to look into things any further. It is my view that no human has any wisdom in excess of that in the Bible.



I am a Christian and I disagree with your interpretation of the Bible on this. Perhaps you can expand your study of theology. You will want what is best for your child, period, and modern study should be part of that decision process.


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Mom to an amazing AS college son (plus an also amazing non-AS daughter). Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).


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28 Feb 2009, 3:39 pm

graemephillips wrote:

I have no intention of doing any further research into child development. If the Bible describes it as mandatory (Proverbs 13:24), then as far as I'm concerned, I have absolutely no reason to look into things any further. It is my view that no human has any wisdom in excess of that in the Bible.


Then why isn't autism in the Bible??? Do you go to the Bible to learn more about autism? Do you go to the Bible to learn more about cars? Do you consult the Bible to help you decide what model of new computer you will purchase?

I used to be a Christian, but the very reason I am not one any longer is because Christians think they already have all the answers, and I can't limit myself like that. Also too much hypocracy.



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28 Feb 2009, 3:39 pm

graemephillips wrote:
I have no intention of doing any further research into child development. If the Bible describes it as mandatory (Proverbs 13:24), then as far as I'm concerned, I have absolutely no reason to look into things any further. It is my view that no human has any wisdom in excess of that in the Bible.

Wow sanctioned ignorance, nice. :roll: Hopefully the child will grow up with a bit more exposure and realise that just because they are fallible doesn’t mean that some books written ages ago are more profound.

Besides you like anyone are a cherry picker. Even the old testament is known to have different versions. I don't suppose you follow the gospels of Mary Magdalene or Judus?



graemephillips
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28 Feb 2009, 3:40 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:
graemephillips wrote:
I have no intention of doing any further research into child development. If the Bible describes it as mandatory (Proverbs 13:24), then as far as I'm concerned, I have absolutely no reason to look into things any further. It is my view that no human has any wisdom in excess of that in the Bible.



I am a Christian and I disagree with your interpretation of the Bible on this. Perhaps you can expand your study of theology. You will want what is best for your child, period, and modern study should be part of that decision process.


I disagree with your implication that biblical teaching should be abandoned because it doesn't appear "modern" (i.e. trendy). Passages about physical discipline occur in other locations in Proverbs, namely 19:18, 22:15, 23:13 & 14; 29:15 & 17. I'm not sure why my bible only names passages in Proverbs about this issue, but never mind. Most of the passages mentioned seem to explicitly mention disciplining one's children. If the Bible says something explicitly, I have little cause for disagreement.

There are some parts of the Old Testament that forbade something, but the rule was rescinded in the New Testament. For instance, Leviticus forbids various types of foods, but the New Testament says that all foods are fine in several places (e.g. Matthew 15:11, Acts 11, Romans 14, 1Corinthians 8 and 1Timothy 4). There are also some teachings of the Bible which, owing to circumstances, I could not reasonably say that they should still be enforced, even though there is no later passage saying that they shouldn't be applied. For instance, an Old Testament regulation states that a man who rapes a woman is to marry his victim. In its own day, this regulation had a perfectly valid purpose, as a woman who was a rape victim was regarded as unclean and would therefore have had no means of sustenance, meaning that marrying her oppressor was the least unpleasant option. However, most women today would be horrified if they had to marry somebody who raped them.

I cannot legitimately argue that a teaching is no longer valid unless it is explicitly restated in the New Testament. For instance, the Old Testament forbids bestiality and the New Testament has no mention of the subject, but that doesn't mean it is all right.

So far, I know of no scriptural or biblical hermeneutical (if such an adjective exists) reason to rescind the teachings in Proverbs on the subject of physically disciplining one's children. If you know of one, please tell me and give a reasoned, theological chain of thought.

You are indeed correct that if and when I become a father, I will want the best for them. However, the best things in this world and the next will only be accessible to them if they are properly disciplined, and according to the scriptures, this means spanking them where necessary. Of course, I hope I would take no pleasure in spanking my children and I anticipate that it will be emotionally a painful thing to do: - I find it worrying if someone can repeatedly apply physical discipline to their children and not feel any emotional pain in doing so.

I am interested in your view on biblical hermeneutics if you think the teachings in Proverbs about spanking can be legitimately rescinded.



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28 Feb 2009, 3:58 pm

mysterious_misfit wrote:
graemephillips wrote:

I have no intention of doing any further research into child development. If the Bible describes it as mandatory (Proverbs 13:24), then as far as I'm concerned, I have absolutely no reason to look into things any further. It is my view that no human has any wisdom in excess of that in the Bible.


Then why isn't autism in the Bible??? Do you go to the Bible to learn more about autism? Do you go to the Bible to learn more about cars? Do you consult the Bible to help you decide what model of new computer you will purchase?

I used to be a Christian, but the very reason I am not one any longer is because Christians think they already have all the answers, and I can't limit myself like that. Also too much hypocracy.


Shame you can't even spell (i.e. your spelling of the word "hypocracy").

A probable reason why autism has no explicit mention in the Bible is because the Bible doesn't claim to be a medical textbook covering every medical condition. Neither does it claim to be along the lines of "What Car". It is there to tell people about the ways of God instead.

I don't claim that I have all the answers and I would agree that any Christian who does make such a claim is a hypocrite. The Bible has all the answers about how to gain salvation, but I could not claim that it is a manual for any of the subjects you mentioned.



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28 Feb 2009, 4:17 pm

0_equals_true wrote:
graemephillips wrote:
I have no intention of doing any further research into child development. If the Bible describes it as mandatory (Proverbs 13:24), then as far as I'm concerned, I have absolutely no reason to look into things any further. It is my view that no human has any wisdom in excess of that in the Bible.

Wow sanctioned ignorance, nice. :roll: Hopefully the child will grow up with a bit more exposure and realise that just because they are fallible doesn’t mean that some books written ages ago are more profound.

Besides you like anyone are a cherry picker. Even the old testament is known to have different versions. I don't suppose you follow the gospels of Mary Magdalene or Judus?


No, I believe the scriptures as they stand to be infallible and I don't need to refer to the mentioned gospels.

I am not entirely sure what the point you are trying to make is. Your statements are so disparate that the only thing I can conclude is that you are trying to express your disapproval of my decision to accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour.

Why should I believe you have any more wisdom than the Bible?