She's almost 18 - what battles to pick? Sorry, it is long.

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After suspecting for years, DD 17 and I finally had a conversation about Asperger's. She has had diagnosis of ADD, depression, CAPD, but no doctors ever mentioned AS. I suspected it, but was never sure, and now I see that it runs in my family. But still no luck finding a counselor that is familiar with high functioning AS. We live in a good sized city, too. Though she is relieved that she has a "reason" for being so different, she is at a point where a counselor would be a really good idea. I bought Tony Attwood's wonderful book, and when I gave it to her, she just shrugged. She had told me she would read it, but she won't.

DD was pretty much the textbook AS kid, with some small differences. She can't ride a bike, but she's a gifted dancer. She's got a gifted IQ and is talented in math. She does well in school without much effort so far, but has all of the social difficulties, and has had a terrible time everywhere she has gone. She socializes only with guys, and she is really only close to one girl, a female cousin two years younger.

Though she is intellectually mature, and looks about 21, emotionally I would say she is in the range of 15-16. She will be 18 in two months. Right now she is really down due to a recent bad breakup where the boy went out of his way to hurt her.

Here are our recent battles:

She wants to move out as soon as she can. I have told her that if she is still in school, and we have approval of where she chooses to live (it has to be somewhat safe!), and she can work for at least half of her support, we will help financially.

She is now sure that this will happen as soon as she graduates. However, she is currently only getting one shift a week at her job. It is slow these days, but I also suspect it is because she is usually 5-10 minutes late for her shift, and she hasn't built any relationship with her primarily female co-workers. All of the managers are female! It's her "dream job" (Starbucks), she's a great worker, she's at the best store in town, but it seems that she's being scheduled out in hopes that she will quit. So I nag her to at least get to work on time, which she HATES. If I try to explain why I think it's important, she screams at me I KNOW! I'm trying to quit nagging, I guess this will be one of those lessons.

I have debated whether she should be working while in school. But when she started her first job the summer after sophomore year, I saw a big difference in her maturity, even her time management skills improved. So I have been all for it, even agreed that she could get a car.

She spends money freely, even though she isn't working much and needs to make that car payment. I point out that she needs to save if she wants to move out, but dollars that come her way go fast. There are no savings. I've said something a couple of times, but I've given up this battle. If it isn't too late, I'm going to enlist my husband to work with her on budgeting. He has better luck with her than I do these days.

Since her breakup, she has gained some weight and isn't getting much attention from boys. Her school is tiny, and there are only a few boys. So she has been "meeting" boys on My Space and Facebook. She texts with them, and some of the talk is very sexual. Talks about safe sex and emotional consequences of casual sex are also met with I KNOW! She is on the verge of meeting a couple of these boys/men in person. I haven't told Dad about this one.

She has an appointment for a tattoo on her birthday. She wants it on her torso, right over her ribs. Never mind that it will be extremely painful, and that she has very sensitive skin and heals slowly, she also bleeds very freely. This is probably due to the fish oil she takes that has helped her immensely with depression and anxiety but also thinned her blood. She has a big dance competition with her team less than three weeks after her birthday. She was very angry with me this morning when I pointed out these facts.

The wonderful last boyfriend got her addicted to hookah, and that's another thing she can't wait to get back to when she's 18. Yes, I've pointed out the health risks, it's as if I'm talking to a wall. He gave her another health problem that she's still dealing with, isn't that lovely?

She can't wait to go to a Rave. She has a couple of friends that go regularly (and do the drugs), and has tried to stay out all night so she can attend one. We've foiled her so far. The last two attempts included her 15 year old cousin. She is pretty sure that when she is 18, she will be going regularly, and I guess she will. It looks like a big, dark hole to me.

Of course, she has no idea what she wants to do in college, though she says she will go. I have done all the applications etc. She will go locally, either the U or the Community College. I hope the latter, she needs the smaller classes.

So I've held her together for 18 years with love and (probably smothering) attention, and trying everything I can think of to help her. I took her to speech therapists for the CAPD, she did Fast Forward. We tried many different meds to help with the ADD, most to disastrous effect. When we found that a trip to Disneyworld seemed to bring her out of her shell, we arranged to go every year. I fought the schools for her, I home schooled her at times, I taught her to read using color instead of phonics, I sat with her while she did homework, I hosted probably a hundred play dates that were never reciprocated. I got her into a Performing Arts school for high school, and always did my best to make sure that dance was a happy place for her since school was often miserable. Well, at least the dancing part of it. Now I can't do anything to help her anymore, especially since she seems to hate me and wants me out of her life, and I'm so worried for her. Yes, I'm losing lots of sleep. I'm pretty sure she will come to me if she really needs help, as she did recently, but I can't fix everything. Some prevention would be better!

Any ideas, or words of wisdom? Or maybe just a story that will make me hope she will be OK?

She's just trying to individuate. You're gonna have to let her fly, mama bird. (Even mothers whose kids aren't disabled have trouble with this particular transition, but you'll both live through it.)

Yeah, I guess I know that. It doesn't keep me from waking up at 4 am with almost a panic attack. I guess if she were "normal", this separation would have been a little more gradual. Or maybe if she weren't an only child. I sometimes feel like I HAVE to warn her about some things, or she will just plunge in blindly and disaster will result. But I did that, my parents never knew or cared, and I mostly survived.

Have to keep telling myself that. Though I had hoped for her to have a happier, less stressful life than I have had. I guess she and I are too much alike.

what about taking the financial piece out of your hands ?....set up an appointment for her to talk to someone at your bank about financial planning, budgeting....

I think arielhawkskill hit the nail on the head. Those days are ahead for all of us, and I SOOOO don't look forward to it. I think with an AS girl it might be harder; my AS child is my son, and it's already clear that boys have less need to force separation from the family. I also have a daughter, who we think is NT, and the push pull between us is already so strong that I know it's going to be hell when she is a teen. But, at least, she doesn't have the naivety that my AS son tends to have. If she did, I would be REALLY worried, so I do see where you are coming from ... just, well, we have no choice. Kids have to do this, it's part of growing up, and we have to let go.

Although, it doesn't mean we can't take some little pieces out of their hands, as a "favor," much as ster is suggesting ...

It doesn't sound like you ever treated her like she was normal, so she grew up as messed up as she was treated. No wonder she wants to move out now.

So let her go, and don't financially support her. If she fails and has to move back in, she lives by your rules. If she succeeds, you stop bugging her about every little thing (you're checking her MySpace page???)

And no, I don't think she's "textbook" AS. If she's anywhere on the spectrum, she must be pretty high-functioning, and certainly no where near disability level like the way you think she is.