Political humor

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Let's lighten the mood a little on this forum. Share your favorite political humor, try to keep things as bi-partisen as possible, ie make fun of both major political group equally.

QUOTES WE REMEMBER OUR WISE LEADERS BY

"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread & butter will be cut from right under your feet."
- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin.

"Without censorship things can get terribly confused in the public mind."
- General William Westmoreland, during the war in Viet Nam.

"Things are more like they are now than they ever were before."
- Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
- Former French President Charles de Gaulle

"The Internet is a gateway to get on the net."
- U.S. Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole

"Traditionally most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
- Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery.

"The President has kept all the promises he intended to keep."
- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on "Larry King Live"


The word POLITICS defined: broken down politics has two words poly and tics. Poly meaning "many" and tics meaning "blood sucking creatures". Together they define politics and "many blood sucking creatures".

Cows & Politics Explained

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.

AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.

Rules Of Washington
If it's worth fighting for, it's worth fighting dirty for.
Don't lie, cheat or steal...unnecessarily.
An honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
Chicken little only has to be right once.
"NO" is only an interim response.
You can't kill a bad idea.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
The truth is a variable.
A porcupine with his quills down in just another fat rodent.
You can agree with any concept or notional future option, in principle, but fight implementation every step of the way.
A promise is not a guarantee.
If you can't counter the argument, leave the meeting.

Things Found Only in America
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies." —Groucho Marx
"Politics, noun. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage." —Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
"Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country." —Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
"Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the
politicians as a joke." —Will Rogers
"She's a wonderful, wonderful person, and we're looking to a happy and wonderful night — ah, life." —Sen. Ted Kennedy, speaking about his then-fiancee, Victoria Reggie
"I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." —Ronald Reagan
"Our intent will not be to create gridlock. Oh, except maybe from time to time." —Bob Dole, on working with the Clinton administration
"There they are. See no evil, hear no evil, and...evil." —Bob Dole, watching former presidents Carter, Ford and Nixon standing by each other at a White House event
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." —Marion Barry, former mayor of Washington, D.C.
"What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?" —Marion Barry
"A mere forty years ago, beach volleyball was just beginning. No bureaucrat would have invented it, and that's what freedom is all about." —Newt Gingrich, speaking at the 1996 Republican Convention
"Please don't ask me to do that which I've just said I'm not going to do, because you're burning up time. The meter is running through the sand on you, and I am now filibustering." —George Bush, Sr.
"I am not one who — who flamboyantly believes in throwing a lot of words around." —George Bush, Sr.
"He can't help it. He was born with a silver foot in his mouth." —Former Texas Gov. Ann Richards on misstatements made by George Bush, Sr.
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."—Dan Quayle
"There are lots more people in the House. I don't know exactly — I've never counted, but at least a couple hundred." —Dan Quayle, on the difference between the House and Senate
"Well, I learned a lot....I went down to (Latin America) to find out from them and (learn) their views. You'd be surprised. They're all individual countries" —Ronald Reagan
"I've looked on many women with lust. I've committed adultery in my heart many times. God knows I will do this and forgives me." —Jimmy Carter, in an interview with Playboy one month prior to the 1976 election
"All that Hubert needs over there is a gal to answer the phone and a pencil with an eraser on it." —Lyndon Johnson on Hubert Humphrey, his vice president
"If you don't mind smelling like peanut butter for two or three days, peanut butter is darn good shaving cream." —Barry Goldwater