Don't panic Haiti, the Scientologists are coming!

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MissConstrue
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26 Jan 2010, 7:08 pm

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/ ... ists-haiti



For our good friends from the church of L Ron, it's not so much a tragedy as an opportunity
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John Travolta and Kelly Preston with Scientology volunteers in New Orleans after Hurrican Katrina Photograph: PAUL J.RICHARDS/AFP/Getty Images

Psychopath, conman, liar, fantasist, fraudster, bully, tax evader, megalomaniac – it's fair to say L Ron Hubbard's death was a blow to global humanitarianism. Happily, there is a silver lining to the cloud that has hung over Earth since the founder of Scientology shed his corporeal form in 1986. That silver- lining is the high profile, expansionist figures who represent his organisation today – and the good news is that they're turning their thoughts to Haiti.

Were an idiot like you to itemise the myriad things that this most wretched of disaster zones currently lacked, chances are you'd omit "militant Scientologists who claim post-traumatic stress is a conspiracy created by the evil psychiatric profession, and who believe the correct response to extreme shock is to touch sufferers with one finger, before attempting to convert them to the ways of Hubbard".

All I can say is, thank God for John Travolta. The Wild Hogs legend has unveiled his response to the unfolding crisis, announcing: "I have arranged for a plane to take down some Volunteer Ministers and some supplies and some medics." For the medics and supplies John must obviously be thanked, but for the Volunteer Ministers – arriving in Haiti via Air Travolta along with scores from other Scientology churches – the same cannot be said.

According to an official press release, the corps will be on hand to dispense "spiritual first aid" to Haitians. Because really, nothing should feel more appropriate right now than gadding about Port-au-Prince offering survivors the chance to be hooked up to an e-meter. Hopefully if they find any gay people, they can begin curing them.

For the Volunteer Ministers, you see, a tragedy is not so much a tragedy as a tragitunity.

But please, don't take Lost in Showbiz's word for it – take that of L Ron himself, who personally decreed the strategy he called "Casualty Contact", in which he advised Scientologists to scan newspapers for reports of accidents or bereavements, searching for "people who have been victimised one way or another by life".

Stipulating that one way to do this was to trawl hospitals, Hubbard declared of the ambulance-chasing Scientologist that, "He should represent himself . . . as a minister whose compassion was compelled by the newspaper story concerning the person [. . .] However, in handling the press he should simply say that it is a mission of the church to assist those who are in need of assistance. He should avoid any lengthy discussions of Scientology and should talk about the work of ministers and how all too few ministers these days get around to places where they are needed. It's straight recruiting!"

Casualty Contact has since modulated into the Volunteer Ministers programme, whose yellow tents are increasingly visible at high-profile disaster sites, and often enlivened by special appearances by their celebrity adherents. Within these tents Scientologists administer the aforementioned Touch Assists, whose purpose is to "speed the Thetan's ability to heal or repair a condition with his body".

After 9/11, aid agencies at Ground Zero voiced concern that the Volunteer Ministers had displayed their leaflets around the disaster site and operated in the restricted area without authorisation until this was pointed out to the police, who then denied them access. Two days after the tragedy, and presenting themselves as an organisation called National Mental Health Assistance, representatives of the Church of Scientology duped Fox News into running the church's freephone number for five hours on the bottom of the screen, apparently in the belief that it was the official outreach hotline. Fox News removed it after an irate intervention from the real National Mental Health Association.

"The public needs to understand that the Scientologists are using this tragedy to recruit new members," the president of the NMHA stated. "They are not providing mental health assistance."

Au contraire, say the Scientologists, who claim they provide a unique brand of "meaningful help" during catastrophes. They were there after the tsunami, after Katrina – with added Travolta – and in Beslan, before being asked to leave after the local Russian health ministry judged their techniques unhelpful to already severely traumatised children.

And of course they were there after the 7 July attacks, when an undercover BBC investigation taped the leader of the London branch of the Church's anti-psychiatry movement laughing that their role in the immediate aftermath of the bombings was "fighting the psychiatrists; keeping the psychs away [from survivors]". One survivor who happened to have mental health training voiced his shock that Scientologists had attempted to recruit him and others.

What sort of numbers they'll do in Haiti remains to be seen, but hats off to Travolta and the church leaders for deploying in this way. As for Scientology's most famous face, do recall "the Mr Cruise response to 9/11" – setting up the First New York Hubbard Detox project where firemen who had breathed in the World Trade Centre dust were encouraged to submit to the "Purification Rundown", discarding their medication and taking endless saunas along with high doses of niacin, much to the despair of their doctors. Whether even Tom's nuclear self-confidence extends to mooting the First Port-au-Prince Hubbard Detox Project, only time will tell.


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DemonAbyss10
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26 Jan 2010, 9:09 pm

... cant someone just ban scientology from the world already? Oh wait you cant, although it should happen.

I should make an anti-scientology organization of sorts....

not just scientologists but most religious groups have used disaster sites as recruiting grounds, so they too have to learn a lesson.


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raisedbyignorance
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26 Jan 2010, 10:24 pm

And here I was thinking that for once...we got all kinds of people coming together to help out during a tragedy without pushing religion in your face.

How wrong I was! :lol:



sgrannel
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26 Jan 2010, 10:40 pm

More info on the man himself:

http://www.rotten.com/library/bio/religion/cult/l-ron-hubbard/

http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/1012/whats-up-with-dianetics-scientology


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Roxas_XIII
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26 Jan 2010, 10:51 pm

Scientology needs to die. NOW.

If I had to pick between Scientology and Satanism, I'd be walking around with a pentagram tattooed on my forehead and sacrificing kittens at night.

Seriously, what the blazes is wrong with these people? Someone, anyone, please assassinate this cult with extreme prejudice!! !


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26 Jan 2010, 11:27 pm

Scientology haters? hmm... I must give this religion serious consideration now...
Why all the hatred?


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Vexcalibur
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26 Jan 2010, 11:34 pm

Magnus wrote:
Scientology haters? hmm... I must give this religion serious consideration now...
Why all the hatred?

a) They believe in an "evil lord" called Xenu.
b) They will bash you to death if they find out you take medications.
c) Their use of the word science as prefix is offensive to anyone who does science.
d) The initial scheme was that they wouldn't tell you a) unless you paid them a million dollar fee to join the church...

I could go on.
--
The only good thing is that they are the only church that accepts their main profet was a sci-fi writer..


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Magnus
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27 Jan 2010, 12:25 am

Vexcalibur wrote:
Magnus wrote:
Scientology haters? hmm... I must give this religion serious consideration now...
Why all the hatred?

a) They believe in an "evil lord" called Xenu.
b) They will bash you to death if they find out you take medications.
c) Their use of the word science as prefix is offensive to anyone who does science.
d) The initial scheme was that they wouldn't tell you a) unless you paid them a million dollar fee to join the church...

I could go on.
--
The only good thing is that they are the only church that accepts their main profet was a sci-fi writer..


You are exaggerating unintentionally.


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pandd
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27 Jan 2010, 2:06 am

Exaggeration? If anything the situation appears understated.

Whatever makes you think any exaggeration is occuring?



phil777
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27 Jan 2010, 3:10 am

Aye =.= Everytime some catastrophe occurs, the religious nuts come crawling out of the woodwork to scavenge on the remains of the poor folks. Sometimes i'd wanna get a Death Note (for those who know...) get the list of members of such organization and terminate them all -.- .



Ambivalence
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27 Jan 2010, 5:16 am

They're flying in supplies of clams on DC8s, I expect. ^^


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DemonAbyss10
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27 Jan 2010, 7:29 am

Vexcalibur wrote:
Magnus wrote:
Scientology haters? hmm... I must give this religion serious consideration now...
Why all the hatred?

a) They believe in an "evil lord" called Xenu.
b) They will bash you to death if they find out you take medications.
c) Their use of the word science as prefix is offensive to anyone who does science.
d) The initial scheme was that they wouldn't tell you a) unless you paid them a million dollar fee to join the church...

I could go on.
--
The only good thing is that they are the only church that accepts their main profet was a sci-fi writer..


Well, not to mention that specific church has scammed people to hell, forces members to deny alot of necessary medical treatments, and has also f****d alot of peoples lives up.

There have been alot of murders linked to them from the fact that those murdered were those trying to leave the church, so on and so forth.

A bunch of european countries have been considering them as a cult, and banned its practice. Germany comes to mind.


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sartresue
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27 Jan 2010, 2:38 pm

Magnus wrote:
Vexcalibur wrote:
Magnus wrote:
Scientology haters? hmm... I must give this religion serious consideration now...
Why all the hatred?

a) They believe in an "evil lord" called Xenu.
b) They will bash you to death if they find out you take medications.
c) Their use of the word science as prefix is offensive to anyone who does science.
d) The initial scheme was that they wouldn't tell you a) unless you paid them a million dollar fee to join the church...

I could go on.
--
The only good thing is that they are the only church that accepts their main profet was a sci-fi writer..


You are exaggerating unintentionally.


Hubbard out of the cupboard topic

In a western democracy you are free to join any church you wish. Read L Ron's book first to convince yourselff this is the church for you, and be prepared to donate as much cash as possible to support the cause.


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DemonAbyss10
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27 Jan 2010, 5:27 pm

If it was just a group going to help in haiti I dont mind, but if they try recruiting members for their damn cult behind the scenes, I feel like shooting the whole lot of them.

Yes, Scientology is a f*****g cult, you cannot refute that fact >_>


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mgran
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27 Jan 2010, 5:56 pm

It was invented after a dare by Philip K Dick to Hubbard, that Hubbard couldn't invent a religion. Well, that's the story anyway.



Vexcalibur
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27 Jan 2010, 6:06 pm

Magnus wrote:
Vexcalibur wrote:
Magnus wrote:
Scientology haters? hmm... I must give this religion serious consideration now...
Why all the hatred?

a) They believe in an "evil lord" called Xenu.
b) They will bash you to death if they find out you take medications.
c) Their use of the word science as prefix is offensive to anyone who does science.
d) The initial scheme was that they wouldn't tell you a) unless you paid them a million dollar fee to join the church...

I could go on.
--
The only good thing is that they are the only church that accepts their main profet was a sci-fi writer..


You are exaggerating unintentionally.

I wish I was.


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Last edited by Vexcalibur on 28 Jan 2010, 12:36 am, edited 1 time in total.