Fixer Parents and the Father who changed over

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http://www.stuff.co.nz/life-style/paren ... tistic-son

Briefly describes, in the father's own words, the steps in his parental journey from wanting and trying to 'fix' his
autistic son to the transformational moment of realising there was nothing to be fixed, coming to the moment of complete appreciation and acceptance, realising his that his son is autistic and that there is nothing wrong with him at all. This inner transformation in a parent is rarely spoken of - perhaps because it rarely occurs.

I found the article very moving - simple, short, yet speaking of something infinitely complex in the social fabric and cultures autistic babes are born into.

I really hope that this article will inspire other parents to challenge their own conditioning and acquired prejudices. Children need acceptance in order to develop well emotionally into adulthood. That holds true for both neuronormative and autistic children.

It makes me recall the contrast of the obdurate "Fixer-Parents" who come to WP to promote ABA to other parents as a wonder cure - it amputates autistic behaviours from the child's personality! I would like to say to each one of them that they are maiming their child, or at least hand them a copy of this article - depending on how kind I was feeling at the time, or not. If I owned WP (which I never will, but anyway) those Fixer-ABA-Promoter-Parents would be banned and the mods instructed to 'search and destroy' their commercials (posts).

And these are the things a childhood is made of.

Not the moments you THOUGHT you'd have.

Not the moments you WISHED you'd have.

Not the moments you DREAMED you'd have.

Not the child you PLANNED to have.

The moments you live with the child you got.

I'm sure my mother dreamed of a little girl she could go shopping and do make-up and talk about boys with. I have her pregnancy journal for proof.

She got a little girl who hated shopping and loved the woods-- so she bought me a few of those dresses she fantasized about and made me wear them on picture day, and the rest of the time we played in the creek together.

She got a little girl who thought make-up was only useful for drawing cat whiskers and war paint-- so she taught me what it was for, told me to keep my hands off her Estee Lauder, and bought some Wet-N-Wild that I could go wild with. While she spent two hours doing her make-up for a date, I stood in front of the full-length mirror and turned myself into Rambo the Kitty-Cat.

Dunno what we would have done if she'd lived long enough to be disappointed that I was so slow in taking an interest in boys. Reckon we would have had to dissect relationships in books or something instead.

We fought a lot. I know she was confused and disappointed with the prickly, sarcastic, emotionally volatile, stand-offish child who reminded her waaaaay too much of her father and ex-husband.

We also made up a lot, and made a lot of good memories, and learned a lot of things together. As sure as I am that she was somewhat disappointed and utterly nonplussed, I'm equally sure that she loved me with all her heart.

Wonderful post. I am so glad that you were loved, and knew you were loved, despite the barriers that were never navigated to complete acceptance. Could you tell me more, that is - in what ways specifically did your mother communicate her love to you? There are so many different ways that parents attempt to show this.

Some by giving things, some by gentle affirming words, some by simple kindnesses, some by hugs and everyday courtesies, genuine concern for your well-being. Acceptance, appreciation, attention, approval, affection - these are the big 5 which - if a parent can consistently give to a child - create terrific adults who are emotionally developed and mature. Unfortunately in my experience, there are not that many who can manage to reach that state. Though those that fall short - I always hope - when they know better, they do better.

Some do, some don't. That you were loved and knew it gladdens my heart.