One man’s experience of a female stalker

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blitzkrieg
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26 Apr 2024, 6:04 pm

"Not long after he embarked on an on/off dalliance with a former colleague, Tom began feeling uneasy about her behaviour. He ended things – but that only made matters worse.

Lies and gaslighting turned into his ex turning up randomly at places where he hung out and “appearing seemingly everywhere I went”, he said. “That was incredibly hard to deal with. I felt hounded, and I had no idea what to do.”

Anxious to placate her, he agreed to rekindle their relationship, with boundaries. “That was a terrible mistake,” said Tom (not his real name).

One day, she tracked him down while he was travelling in London and chased him through the underground, sexually assaulting him on a carriage. “It was the first time in my life I had to sprint away from someone out of fear,” he said.

She followed him to his flat and tried to force her way in. Desperate, he told her he never wanted to see her again and hoped that would be the end of it.

It wasn’t. What followed was a frightening period in which, for months, the woman would turn up at places where she knew he would be, or befriend his friends, telling them he was a sexual predator."


:(

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2024/apr/26/i-felt-immense-shame-man-stalked-by-woman-baby-reindeer



IsabellaLinton
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26 Apr 2024, 6:07 pm

It's even worse when cops won't do anything about it.
My daughter's stalker struck again today.


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blitzkrieg
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26 Apr 2024, 6:10 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
It's even worse when cops won't do anything about it.
My daughter's stalker struck again today.


Yeah. :/

It happens to both men and women, though for men it is probably an under-reported phenomenon.

From the same article:

"According to the Crime Survey of England and Wales, one in five women over the age of 16 said last year they had been victims of stalking, and one in 11 (8.7%) of men. That may be an underestimate, particularly among men, according to experts, due to the same stigma identified by Tom."



RedDeathFlower13
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26 Apr 2024, 6:16 pm

My mom was a victim of abuse and stalking from her ex husband, but I know a couple of men who are also victims of abuse from their wives/girlfriends.

I personally think in a way women who abuse their men are even worst. For one thing it's not like men who are victims of abuse have anyone to advocate for their rights. I mean have you ever even heard of a domestic violence shelter that welcomed men? Because I sure have not!


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TwilightPrincess
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26 Apr 2024, 6:17 pm

RedDeathFlower13 wrote:
I personally think in a way women who abuse their men are even worst. For one thing it's not like men who are victims of abuse have anyone to advocate for their rights. I mean have you ever even heard of a domestic violence shelter that welcomed men? Because I sure have not!

The abuse shelter in my town welcomes all genders.

Abuse is equally horrible no matter who does it.


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Last edited by TwilightPrincess on 26 Apr 2024, 6:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.

blitzkrieg
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26 Apr 2024, 6:17 pm

RedDeathFlower13 wrote:
My mom was a victim of abuse and stalking from her ex husband, but I know a couple of men who are also victims of abuse from their wives/girlfriends.

I personally think in a way women who abuse their men are even worst. For one thing it's not like men who are victims of abuse have anyone to advocate for their rights. I mean have you ever even heard of a domestic violence shelter that welcomed men? Because I sure have not!


There is definitely a stigma for men in regards to discussing this kind of thing, especially with authorities.



TwilightPrincess
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26 Apr 2024, 6:18 pm

blitzkrieg wrote:
RedDeathFlower13 wrote:
My mom was a victim of abuse and stalking from her ex husband, but I know a couple of men who are also victims of abuse from their wives/girlfriends.

I personally think in a way women who abuse their men are even worst. For one thing it's not like men who are victims of abuse have anyone to advocate for their rights. I mean have you ever even heard of a domestic violence shelter that welcomed men? Because I sure have not!


There is definitely a stigma for men in regards to discussing this kind of thing, especially with authorities.

It’s not easy for women either. That is a common misconception.


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IsabellaLinton
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26 Apr 2024, 6:22 pm

RedDeathFlower13 wrote:
I personally think in a way women who abuse their men are even worst. For one thing it's not like men who are victims of abuse have anyone to advocate for their rights. I mean have you ever even heard of a domestic violence shelter that welcomed men? Because I sure have not!



Shelters near me welcome anyone at risk.
Men have the same options women do when it comes to advocacy.
They pay a lawyer just like anyone else.


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IsabellaLinton
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26 Apr 2024, 6:26 pm

I posted several links for men experiencing DV, a few months ago.
I'll have to dig around for the thread.


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RedDeathFlower13
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26 Apr 2024, 6:29 pm

TwilightPrincess wrote:
RedDeathFlower13 wrote:
I personally think in a way women who abuse their men are even worst. For one thing it's not like men who are victims of abuse have anyone to advocate for their rights. I mean have you ever even heard of a domestic violence shelter that welcomed men? Because I sure have not!

The abuse shelter in my town welcomes all genders.

Abuse is equally horrible no matter who does it.


So maybe they do exist, but you and I both know that men who get abused whether physically, psychologically, and esp sexually are less likely to come forward for obvious reasons. A wife who smacks the hell out of her husband or hits him over the head with a frying pan is still treated as "laughable" by some comedians even to this day but that would never have been the case the other way around, not even in the days before women had the right to vote in the US.

I'm not trying to blame all women or imply anything bad so please don't get me wrong. But there really is a double standard in society about how female victims of abuse are treated in comparison to male victims. And we don't really have people standing up for our rights when it's our gender being victimized.

It's like society expects women to be the victims but for men we're told to "Man up".


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TwilightPrincess
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26 Apr 2024, 6:33 pm

Sexual violence is underreported for both men and women. Women experience a lot of stigma such as victim-blaming and stuff like that which makes it very difficult to make a report and follow through with it. There can be issues depending on the law enforcement in one’s area too. The perception is that women have it easier when it comes to this stuff, but the perception is an exaggeration of reality.

Many victims don’t make a report because of how daunting and traumatic the process is. That’s true for all genders.


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Last edited by TwilightPrincess on 26 Apr 2024, 6:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.

blitzkrieg
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26 Apr 2024, 6:35 pm

RedDeathFlower13 wrote:
TwilightPrincess wrote:
RedDeathFlower13 wrote:
I personally think in a way women who abuse their men are even worst. For one thing it's not like men who are victims of abuse have anyone to advocate for their rights. I mean have you ever even heard of a domestic violence shelter that welcomed men? Because I sure have not!

The abuse shelter in my town welcomes all genders.

Abuse is equally horrible no matter who does it.


So maybe they do exist, but you and I both know that men who get abused whether physically, psychologically, and esp sexually are less likely to come forward for obvious reasons. A wife who smacks the hell out of her husband or hits him over the head with a frying pan is still treated as "laughable" by some comedians even to this day but that would never have been the case the other way around, not even in the days before women had the right to vote in the US.

I'm not trying to blame all women or imply anything bad so please don't get me wrong. But there really is a double standard in society about how female victims of abuse are treated in comparison to male victims. And we don't really have people standing up for our rights when it's our gender being victimized.

It's like society expects women to be the victims but for men we're told to "Man up".


I agree with you on everything you have said.

I doubt you'd convince a feminist of these biases, however. *wink*

:P



RedDeathFlower13
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26 Apr 2024, 6:42 pm

blitzkrieg wrote:
RedDeathFlower13 wrote:
My mom was a victim of abuse and stalking from her ex husband, but I know a couple of men who are also victims of abuse from their wives/girlfriends.

I personally think in a way women who abuse their men are even worst. For one thing it's not like men who are victims of abuse have anyone to advocate for their rights. I mean have you ever even heard of a domestic violence shelter that welcomed men? Because I sure have not!


There is definitely a stigma for men in regards to discussing this kind of thing, especially with authorities.


And family and friends who are likely to treat it like a big joke too.

I know two men who have been victims of real abuse. One had an ex wife who falsely accused him of molesting their daughter and almost destroyed his life. Another man has a certifiably crazy wife who burned their trailer down leaving them homeless after they got into an argument. She's also a methhead who has gaslit him for so many years telling him that he's convinced she has to be in control of all his money because he think's he's mentally slow because of her, but she's taking all his money to spend on dope.

Oh and the cops never even arrested her for arson which is a felony here in Georgia. Don't ask me to explain that one.

But everyone in the neighborhood except my mom jokes about his situation. She's the only one who gets that he's being abused because she was abused herself.


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blitzkrieg
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26 Apr 2024, 6:48 pm

^ Yeah, abuse isn't funny at all.

For abused men who are victims of women, there is danger that the men who are the victims will be seen as whatever the female abuser (sometimes falsely) - portrays him as, i.e, a sexual predator or something like that which is mentioned in the article.



RedDeathFlower13
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26 Apr 2024, 6:52 pm

TwilightPrincess wrote:
Sexual violence is underreported for both men and women. Women experience a lot of stigma such as victim-blaming and stuff like that which makes it very difficult to make a report and follow through with it. There can be issues depending on the law enforcement in one’s area too. The perception is that women have it easier when it comes to this stuff, but the perception is an exaggeration of reality.

Many victims don’t make a report because of how daunting and traumatic the process is. That’s true for all genders.


I agree but I still think there's just a tad more sympathy for women who are sexually abused than for men. I know women get shamed into being silent about this, but for men it's even worst just because it's literally treated as a joke. Nobody really laughs at the idea of women being raped because that's an uncomfortable subject that people prefer to ignore (and yes that in itself is f****d up too).

But for men you get jokes that are accepted in entertainment about prison rape like "Don't drop the soap!" Or people who make light of female pedophiles aka 'cougars' who prey on vulnerable teenage boys like Stiffler's Mom hooking up with Finch in American Pie while he wasva minor in High School or 30 year old Gabrielle hooking up with her 16 year old gardner in Desperate Housewives.

And I can tell you I was molested by a cousin when I was about 10 and when I tried to come forward about it years later my brother and my cousin's brother both laughed in my face about it and turned it into a big family joke. I suspect if I had been a girl they still would have dismissed me but they probably wouldn't have laughed their asses off about it.


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TwilightPrincess
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26 Apr 2024, 6:53 pm

blitzkrieg wrote:
RedDeathFlower13 wrote:
TwilightPrincess wrote:
RedDeathFlower13 wrote:
I personally think in a way women who abuse their men are even worst. For one thing it's not like men who are victims of abuse have anyone to advocate for their rights. I mean have you ever even heard of a domestic violence shelter that welcomed men? Because I sure have not!

The abuse shelter in my town welcomes all genders.

Abuse is equally horrible no matter who does it.


So maybe they do exist, but you and I both know that men who get abused whether physically, psychologically, and esp sexually are less likely to come forward for obvious reasons. A wife who smacks the hell out of her husband or hits him over the head with a frying pan is still treated as "laughable" by some comedians even to this day but that would never have been the case the other way around, not even in the days before women had the right to vote in the US.

I'm not trying to blame all women or imply anything bad so please don't get me wrong. But there really is a double standard in society about how female victims of abuse are treated in comparison to male victims. And we don't really have people standing up for our rights when it's our gender being victimized.

It's like society expects women to be the victims but for men we're told to "Man up".


I agree with you on everything you have said.

I doubt you'd convince a feminist of these biases, however. *wink*

:P

One would think that a little sensitivity would be demonstrated to female survivors who have personal experience with this topic. I guess my expectations were a bit too high.

Once again, crimes like sexual and domestic violence are underreported for all genders because of stigma and how challenging it is to go through a trial. That’s not to say that men aren’t even less likely to make a report than women are, but that doesn’t mean that it’s an easy process for women. Some choose not to go through a trial because of how traumatic the process often is. Many who’ve experienced it say that it was as traumatizing as the SA itself.


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