scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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AnonymousAnonymous
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01 Jun 2018, 5:52 pm

7


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dragonsanddemons
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01 Jun 2018, 6:07 pm

sly279 wrote:
dragonsanddemons wrote:
-10. Realizing I may well never be able to live on my own even if work/money weren't an issue, largely because of my depression, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts. Wondering what will happen to me if that ends up being the case. I poked around for assisted living options, but the vast majority of those are either for the elderly or for people who need far more assistance in everyday life than I do (like, help bathing themselves, getting dressed, etc.). If I mention the possibility of not ever being able to live on my own, my dad at least will be extraordinarily upset with me - I am so not looking forward to that. My parents don't want to be taking care of me forever, and I don't want to be dependent on them forever. I also really don't want to end up in a group home or something, but really, what are my choices? Absolutely nothing at all has helped with the self-harm - trying other coping skills, medication, hospitalization, ECT... and still if I was left alone with a knife and a guarantee of not being caught, I'd be using it on myself and probably end up killing myself, even if only accidentally. And to be perfectly honest, for quite some time now, I've only been continuing to live because of the effect it would have on my parents if I took my own life, and wishing I'd just die of something else already.


:cry:
Big fox hugs. So you’d need to live somewhere where all knives are locked up ?
I think about killing myself but I’m not at any risk of doing it currently


Or where other people are present enough of the time that I'd be afraid enough of them seeing me hurting myself or noticing that I had a blade somewhere that didn't make sense unless that's what I was doing with it. I'm not really at risk of intentionally killing myself, at least so long as my parents are alive and clearly care about me, but I've been using pins to make myself bleed, the kind they stick in some shirts at the store before you buy them, and I've clearly hit an artery a couple times by sticking those into myself. Both times the wound stopped bleeding within a few seconds, but if I did that with a knife, at best I'd be headed to the hospital for stitches. And what really scares me about it is the fact that the gush of blood when I hit an artery didn't scare me, I just wanted to do it again once I knew it was going to stop bleeding so quickly.


_________________
Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"

Please forgive any typos, I have a tremor that's bad enough to make typing a challenge sometimes.


sly279
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01 Jun 2018, 6:19 pm

dragonsanddemons wrote:
sly279 wrote:
dragonsanddemons wrote:
-10. Realizing I may well never be able to live on my own even if work/money weren't an issue, largely because of my depression, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts. Wondering what will happen to me if that ends up being the case. I poked around for assisted living options, but the vast majority of those are either for the elderly or for people who need far more assistance in everyday life than I do (like, help bathing themselves, getting dressed, etc.). If I mention the possibility of not ever being able to live on my own, my dad at least will be extraordinarily upset with me - I am so not looking forward to that. My parents don't want to be taking care of me forever, and I don't want to be dependent on them forever. I also really don't want to end up in a group home or something, but really, what are my choices? Absolutely nothing at all has helped with the self-harm - trying other coping skills, medication, hospitalization, ECT... and still if I was left alone with a knife and a guarantee of not being caught, I'd be using it on myself and probably end up killing myself, even if only accidentally. And to be perfectly honest, for quite some time now, I've only been continuing to live because of the effect it would have on my parents if I took my own life, and wishing I'd just die of something else already.


:cry:
Big fox hugs. So you’d need to live somewhere where all knives are locked up ?
I think about killing myself but I’m not at any risk of doing it currently


Or where other people are present enough of the time that I'd be afraid enough of them seeing me hurting myself or noticing that I had a blade somewhere that didn't make sense unless that's what I was doing with it. I'm not really at risk of intentionally killing myself, at least so long as my parents are alive and clearly care about me, but I've been using pins to make myself bleed, the kind they stick in some shirts at the store before you buy them, and I've clearly hit an artery a couple times by sticking those into myself. Both times the wound stopped bleeding within a few seconds, but if I did that with a knife, at best I'd be headed to the hospital for stitches. And what really scares me about it is the fact that the gush of blood when I hit an artery didn't scare me, I just wanted to do it again once I knew it was going to stop bleeding so quickly.


That makes me sad to hear.

Maybe you’ll find a bf who’ll care about and love you so you won’t feel like doing it anymore.
Guys exist who’ll date suicidial women.



dragonsanddemons
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01 Jun 2018, 6:40 pm

sly279 wrote:
dragonsanddemons wrote:
sly279 wrote:
dragonsanddemons wrote:
-10. Realizing I may well never be able to live on my own even if work/money weren't an issue, largely because of my depression, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts. Wondering what will happen to me if that ends up being the case. I poked around for assisted living options, but the vast majority of those are either for the elderly or for people who need far more assistance in everyday life than I do (like, help bathing themselves, getting dressed, etc.). If I mention the possibility of not ever being able to live on my own, my dad at least will be extraordinarily upset with me - I am so not looking forward to that. My parents don't want to be taking care of me forever, and I don't want to be dependent on them forever. I also really don't want to end up in a group home or something, but really, what are my choices? Absolutely nothing at all has helped with the self-harm - trying other coping skills, medication, hospitalization, ECT... and still if I was left alone with a knife and a guarantee of not being caught, I'd be using it on myself and probably end up killing myself, even if only accidentally. And to be perfectly honest, for quite some time now, I've only been continuing to live because of the effect it would have on my parents if I took my own life, and wishing I'd just die of something else already.


:cry:
Big fox hugs. So you’d need to live somewhere where all knives are locked up ?
I think about killing myself but I’m not at any risk of doing it currently


Or where other people are present enough of the time that I'd be afraid enough of them seeing me hurting myself or noticing that I had a blade somewhere that didn't make sense unless that's what I was doing with it. I'm not really at risk of intentionally killing myself, at least so long as my parents are alive and clearly care about me, but I've been using pins to make myself bleed, the kind they stick in some shirts at the store before you buy them, and I've clearly hit an artery a couple times by sticking those into myself. Both times the wound stopped bleeding within a few seconds, but if I did that with a knife, at best I'd be headed to the hospital for stitches. And what really scares me about it is the fact that the gush of blood when I hit an artery didn't scare me, I just wanted to do it again once I knew it was going to stop bleeding so quickly.


That makes me sad to hear.

Maybe you’ll find a bf who’ll care about and love you so you won’t feel like doing it anymore.
Guys exist who’ll date suicidial women.


I guess you're right. Having a romantic relationship hasn't been a primary goal for me - I actually think I'd be perfectly fine never having one, but if it happens, that's also fine - but that would solve this issue - if I had a serious romantic relationship, I'd probably have someone around most/all of the time who did want to spend his/her life with me and didn't want me to hurt myself. Maybe living with someone who clearly cared about me so deeply that it felt like I was hurting them when I was hurting myself would get me to stop.


_________________
Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"

Please forgive any typos, I have a tremor that's bad enough to make typing a challenge sometimes.


ltcvnzl
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01 Jun 2018, 7:15 pm

5



AnonymousAnonymous
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01 Jun 2018, 9:21 pm

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IsabellaLinton
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03 Jun 2018, 8:57 am

0 and middling



AprilR
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03 Jun 2018, 10:56 am

8, if only i wasn't hungry!



AnonymousAnonymous
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03 Jun 2018, 12:15 pm

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Silly NTs, I have Aspergers, and having Aspergers is gr-r-reat!


dragonsanddemons
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03 Jun 2018, 1:50 pm

-9. Only not -10 because I might be getting a bearded dragon sometime soon, and even as depressed as I am, that still brings me some small amount of joy. I love bearded dragons, I've wanted one for a long time, but it wasn't feasible to have one while I was at college. But then on the other hand, I've been kind of debating if I might need some more inpatient treatment at the hospital - so if I suddenly disappear again, that's probably why, I don't get Internet access there.


_________________
Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"

Please forgive any typos, I have a tremor that's bad enough to make typing a challenge sometimes.


AnonymousAnonymous
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03 Jun 2018, 4:09 pm

6


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Silly NTs, I have Aspergers, and having Aspergers is gr-r-reat!


Noca
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06 Jun 2018, 9:06 pm

-2


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Your neurodiverse score: 150 of 200
Your neurotypical score: 51 of 200

officially diagnosed with Asperger's as of 09/11/15

Reassessed 04/11/16
DSM-V: ASD level 2 with Social Communication Severity: level 2, Restrictive Repetitve Behaviour: level 2

ADOS-2 classification: Autism


dragonsanddemons
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07 Jun 2018, 12:18 am

-10, depression's still really bad and I still really want to bleed :(


_________________
Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"

Please forgive any typos, I have a tremor that's bad enough to make typing a challenge sometimes.


sly279
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07 Jun 2018, 2:41 am

-9 pointless



sly279
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07 Jun 2018, 2:42 am

dragonsanddemons wrote:
-10, depression's still really bad and I still really want to bleed :(

Hugs