Can't accept the fact that I'm the only Aspie..

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I keep struggling to accept the fact that I'm the only Aspie out of my cousins on my mum's side of the family, which autism runs in. I have it in my head that my closest cousin should have Asperger's but whenever there's evidence against it I get depressed.
Her mum is going through the process of getting diagnosed with Asperger's and I just wonder how she has it but her daughter (my cousin) doesn't. Most parents with Asperger's pass it on to their children, and both of my parents are NTs, so why should I be the unlucky one?
My cousin showed a lot of autism traits when she was little, like repetitive behaviours, lack of eye contact, not mixing well with other children, not liking to share her toys, often naive and in a world of her own. But she still seemed to attract friends and succeed socially. All she was diagnosed with was mild learning difficulties and needed extra help at school with her work (although she was actually quite clever in some ways).
Although my Asperger's seems to have lessened over the years, I still fail to form friendships with my NT peers, but my cousin seems to have NT friends, some from school that she'd lost touch with for years but have now got back in touch through Facebook, and judging by some comments she receives they seem keen to meet up for a girly night when the pandemic's over. She also has some other friends whom she used to work with.
Why can't my cousin have Asperger's as well? Why just me? I was diagnosed at 8 years old (unusually early for a female Aspie) and I was a problem child. I hate myself sometimes. I hate myself for having this sh***y disorder. Why me?

I'm sorry you feel this way right now. It's lonely.

I don't know if we're friends but I'd offer you a hug.

Another only aspie here, too! Three cousins from dad's side, 21 from mom's (if I counted correctly, it's possible I forgot someone) and I'm the only one on the autism spectrum as far as I know. And the only one with severe physical disability, too. Sucks but hey, at least I can blame those things for being the black sheep of the family, making it less of a my fault? Dunno.

It's certainly a lot better than being the only member of your family to be convicted of a crime...

I just don't think it's all that "bad" to be an Aspie. It's not something to be ashamed of.

I am ashamed of it though. It might be because my parents didn't want me to be on the spectrum, I don't know. (Please don't badmouth my parents and say that they're bad parents though, as I get offended). My dad was never prepared for a problem child, because I suppose when you become a parent you're not exactly going to assume your child might be different unless you're different yourself. And my mum has another sister (not the aunt with possible Asperger's) who has two children that were the opposite from me and my brother. They were both popular, intelligent, sporty and very confident NTs, while I was a burden on my mum, struggled in school, had little to no friends, suffered anxiety and depression and bad behaviour (such as frequent tantrums and hyperactivity), and I lacked confidence. So, like the way I compare myself to my cousins, my mum has always compared herself to her sister. I know my mum loves me, but I think she was secretly disappointed with my disorder and wished I was normal with lots of friends and confidence.

But I have never really compared myself to them because I know it's futile, because they are too much opposite from me to be able to compare anything. But my other cousin (the one I mentioned in my OP) is more comparable because she's never been as confident as the other cousins and I've always hoped that she might be on the spectrum.

Some of the cousins on my dad's side seem a little...socially weird...but Idunno, I don't really put a lot of thought into it.

Plus, the family is so huge, I barely know any of them.