Page 18 of 44 [ 689 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21 ... 44  Next

AnonymousAnonymous
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 23 Nov 2006
Age: 31
Gender: Male
Posts: 59,738
Location: Portland, Oregon

17 May 2021, 5:07 pm

Marknis wrote:
AnonymousAnonymous wrote:
Brother Marknis, I want you to be in a happy relationship too, but believing that people who want you to be happy are always deceiving you is IMO wrong and may be making your mental instability worse.



You didn’t read what I told kraftiekortie and hurtloam.


I did, but I also agree with what Nades said to you; your lack of self-confidence and your severe clinical depression are clouding your sense of reality.

If you ever meet a romantic partner (which I hope you will do) and exhibit behavior commonly associated with people who are always down in the dumps, such potential relationships could IMO be short.


_________________
Silly NTs, I have Aspergers, and having Aspergers is gr-r-reat!


enz
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 26 Sep 2015
Posts: 878

17 May 2021, 5:54 pm

Marknis wrote:
enz wrote:
Marknis wrote:
enz wrote:
Marlins I believe you can have a relationship. But you need to learn how to talk with people who have similar interests as you and forming bonds. For example go to meetups for anime and learn to talk to people with your interests. Don’t go to a meet up or group unless your interested in it


I have but things never went the way I hoped they would go.


How many times have you tried?


I’ve attended six anime conventions and five Comic-Cons.


Did you go up to people and try and strike up conversations about your relevant interests?



Marknis
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 24 Jan 2016
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,960
Location: The Vile Belt

17 May 2021, 7:51 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
Why would the weather matter?

Is the program outdoors?


Bad weather ruins my motivation even more.

The sun finally shown through and I went in to talk to someone.



Marknis
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 24 Jan 2016
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,960
Location: The Vile Belt

17 May 2021, 8:39 pm

This is something my older cousin told me even though she had gotten married and was starting to form a family of her own. I later told her what she said hurt me and to please never tell me that again.

I find it baffling that people in relationships tell me I don’t need one but it doesn’t stop them from having them.



cubedemon6073
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Nov 2008
Age: 42
Gender: Male
Posts: 4,747

17 May 2021, 8:58 pm

Marknis wrote:
This is something my older cousin told me even though she had gotten married and was starting to form a family of her own. I later told her what she said hurt me and to please never tell me that again.

I find it baffling that people in relationships tell me I don’t need one but it doesn’t stop them from having them.


I will translate what she said. What she is saying is that you have an inordinate desire to have a girlfriend. You don't need one like with food, clothing and shelter You need to ditch that inordinate desire and I mean NOW! Instead of worrying about getting a GF what you need to do is concentrate on things outside of that like developing hobbies, go to the gym, go to school, etc, etc. Even playing games and writing fanfiction is good.

When I was younger I was in the same boat as you. I simply one day chose to quit worrying and caring if I had a gf or not. Let go of your inordinate desire is what she is telling you.

Your inordinate desire will cause you a host of problems and it will ruin you and possibly others around you.

All you talk about on here is not having a girlfriend. Bring up other interesting topics.

An extreme example is Elliott Rodger. Stray from this path that you're on and choose something better.



IsabellaLinton
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Nov 2017
Gender: Female
Posts: 37,997

17 May 2021, 9:07 pm

Try turning it around, Marknis. What if she said "You do need a girlfriend. Your life will be nothing without finding a partner". How would you feel about that? You frequently say that your life isn't worth living without a partner. Was she supposed to agree with you, or disagree?

When people upset me by disagreeing with what I've said, I try turning their words around backward. Usually I discover that I don't like it whether they agree with me, or not. It's my own emotions I'm upset with, rather than their response.

It sounds like your cousin was in a lose-lose situation. Whether she agreed with you or not, her words would upset you.



kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 75,904
Location: Queens, NYC

17 May 2021, 9:30 pm

Your cousin didn’t mean to hurt you.

What I believe she was saying is that “having a girlfriend” is but one aspect of life. It does not buy happiness.

I’m married. And I sometimes wish I wasn’t. Marriage has stifled me, in a way. Especially creatively. It’s not her fault. It’s mine.

One should broaden one’s self. Sometimes, having a relationship helps with this. Sometimes, it doesn’t help.

One has to have a solid foundation that covers you should you be “missing something.” One cannot just rely on one thing.



funeralxempire
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Oct 2014
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 11,853
Location: I'm right here

17 May 2021, 9:54 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
Try turning it around, Marknis. What if she said "You do need a girlfriend. Your life will be nothing without finding a partner". How would you feel about that? You frequently say that your life isn't worth living without a partner. Was she supposed to agree with you, or disagree?

When people upset me by disagreeing with what I've said, I try turning their words around backward. Usually I discover that I don't like it whether they agree with me, or not. It's my own emotions I'm upset with, rather than their response.

It sounds like your cousin was in a lose-lose situation. Whether she agreed with you or not, her words would upset you.


If she agrees she's rubbing it in.
If she disagrees she doesn't get it and isn't being properly sympathetic.

I like your insight and method for dealing with these situations.


_________________
politics is dumb but very important
戦争ではなく戦争と戦う


The Grand Inquisitor
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Aug 2015
Age: 24
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,276
Location: Australia

18 May 2021, 5:03 am

IsabellaLinton wrote:
Try turning it around, Marknis. What if she said "You do need a girlfriend. Your life will be nothing without finding a partner". How would you feel about that? You frequently say that your life isn't worth living without a partner. Was she supposed to agree with you, or disagree?

When people upset me by disagreeing with what I've said, I try turning their words around backward. Usually I discover that I don't like it whether they agree with me, or not. It's my own emotions I'm upset with, rather than their response.

It sounds like your cousin was in a lose-lose situation. Whether she agreed with you or not, her words would upset you.

I see where you're coming from, but I see it differently.

If you're a lonely guy and you're lamenting your lack of a girlfriend, someone responding with "you don't need a girlfriend" is dismissive of your feelings and desires. If that person has a partner themselves, it's easy to interpret their message as "Relationships are great. I'm perfectly happy in my relationship, but you can go without and just be lonely and I don't care." It's a pretty apathetic response imo. I'd almost go as far as to say it's callous. If somebody responded that way to me, I'd interpret that as them not caring about the pain I'm going through and not being interested in having a real conversation about it.

I think the "you need a girlfriend"/"you don't need a girlfriend" thing is a false dichotomy. You can acknowledge that someone is experiencing emotional turmoil due to their perpetual lack of a relationship without telling them that they either need or don't need a relationship.

If you knew someone who was really trying hard to get a promotion at their work and not having much luck with it, telling them "you don't need a promotion" wouldn't come across very well, would it? You also probably wouldn't tell them that they need a promotion. The better approach would be to empathise with their situation, and be on their side so-to-speak.

And that's also probably the best way to approach a situation like this. In my opinion, this is how Marknis' cousin should have responded if she had no practical advice to offer.

"I can('t) imagine how hard this must be for you to have dealt with this for so long. Unfortunately there's nothing I can do to help you solve this problem, but I'm sorry you're going through it and I hope things get better for you soon."



Summer_Twilight
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 13 Sep 2011
Age: 39
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,043

18 May 2021, 11:20 am

Mark, probably a few things
1. I tend to look more masculine
2. I probably miss certain cues and other nuances

Still, I have had men ask me out but they are usually ones who are looking for a one night stand. These are random men who I have met off the streets.

Regarding the guy who I liked during most of my 20's into early 30's, I put my eggs into just one basket and became to infatuated to the point that I thought he was "The one." So I chase him and tried to force myself upon him and he didn't like that. I also didn't know how to interact with him and that made things worse. That said, my relationship with him was toxic on so many levels. As I said, he jerked me around and kept building my hopes up only to be let down again. There were so many times where I would be in tears because he kept playing games with me.



Marknis
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 24 Jan 2016
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,960
Location: The Vile Belt

18 May 2021, 12:54 pm

I had my first meeting today.



kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 75,904
Location: Queens, NYC

18 May 2021, 1:34 pm

How did it go?



Marknis
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 24 Jan 2016
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,960
Location: The Vile Belt

18 May 2021, 3:50 pm

I had to talk to a psychiatrist while I was at my first partial hospitalization group meeting. She was nice and even expressed amazement I had knowledge on Japanese culture being Japanese herself. When she asked questions about my life, some of them were if I was married, had children, or even wanted any. I told her I wasn’t married, didn’t have children, and that I was uncertain I would ever have any, especially considering how I can’t even get a date.

It guts me whenever I get asked these sorts of questions. Even if I am just asked if I want children, it hurts me because it reminds me of how I don’t have a girlfriend or wife. I can’t even realistically plan on starting a family for the same reason.



kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 75,904
Location: Queens, NYC

18 May 2021, 4:09 pm

I really don't understand why it "guts" you.

It means people believe you are a viable person if they ask that question.

I wasn't asked that question when I was younger----because people didn't believe that I would ever get married, because I was some kind of "retard." If I was asked that question when I was younger, I would have been flattered.

My point is: People don't believe you're a "retard." They think you're a regular person.



IsabellaLinton
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Nov 2017
Gender: Female
Posts: 37,997

18 May 2021, 4:55 pm

Those are basic intake questions for adults. They need to keep records on who we live with, or who our support system is, to evaluate our mental health but also to understand our lives. Chances are, if we continue with that therapist we will make reference to our partners, spouses, children, parents, extended family members, etc., so they like to know who those people are.

It would be worse if I went to a therapist a few times, only to realise they knew nothing about my family situation.

Would you have preferred if the therapist made assumptions that you were a) married or b) single, without asking?



AnonymousAnonymous
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 23 Nov 2006
Age: 31
Gender: Male
Posts: 59,738
Location: Portland, Oregon

18 May 2021, 10:05 pm

Brother Marknis, like Sir Kraftie, I also don't understand how these questions
emotionally violated you. :?

He is right regarding as to why this therapist asked you these questions.


_________________
Silly NTs, I have Aspergers, and having Aspergers is gr-r-reat!