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Joe90
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23 Jul 2021, 7:26 am

I feel like the only normal-functioning 31-year-old in the world who has never worked more than 25 hours in a week before (I don't think). Everybody else my age works like 40-50+ hours a week. It's embarrassing. It makes me feel disabled or abnormal. I just wish I wouldn't get mentally exhausted from working full-time. I used to get mentally exhausted working 18 hours a week. My current job is 20 hours a week and I don't get so mentally exhausted there but I might do if I worked 40 hours. NTs just get physical exhaustion from working long hours, not mental exhaustion (unless they have depression or anxiety or other mental health issues).

Sorry, went off-topic there. I'm just feeling socially isolated right now. Everyone else around me has money, lots of friends, motivation and are planning on going clubbing (even people on the spectrum who I know). I'm broke, don't have many friends apart from a couple of people at work, have no motivation to do things like exercise, and I'm scared of nightclubs but still feel depressed when everyone else is going - (do you see the predicament?)

And before anyone preaches me that these "aren't proper stresses", you are right but these are just things that are making me depressed and socially isolated, not stressed. However I DO have stresses and anxieties on top of it, like my mum ill with stage 4 cancer, me having no money, and the uncertainty of the pandemic.

Even the internet feels dull and boring. WP seems inactive lately (except for the crappy PPR section).


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kraftiekortie
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23 Jul 2021, 7:41 am

Do you have parks nearby where you live?

You don't have to exercise hard. Just walk at a brisk pace, a little faster than you normally walk. Don't go really hard to the point where you're out of breath.

I'm really sorry you're feeling down. I'm sort of feeling down, too. This COVID thing drives me up the wall! Every time I get a little cold, I get scared. So scared that I got tested a couple of days ago with negative results, fortunately.



Joe90
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23 Jul 2021, 11:01 am

I can't even get motivated to walk in the park. I could walk to work but it's nearly 2 miles and I get really sweaty when I get there. Also sometimes I just can't face the walk because I sometimes feel like other women stare at me when they pass even though I don't look at them. And I don't have the right shoes to walk too far in, as I can't afford any at the moment and I don't want a cheap pair because my feet are rather wide and I need proper fitting sneakers.

But exercise isn't just what this thread is about, I'm feeling depressed about everything. I'm just now feeling unlucky and everyone else seems lucky. Maybe it's because I'm comparing myself to my cousin too much.


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kraftiekortie
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23 Jul 2021, 1:23 pm

I'm aware it's not just about exercise.

But I have found that fresh air sometimes does wonders for me when I'm down in the dumps.

If I compared myself to my brother all the time, I would think I'm a failure all the time. I don't bother to compare myself to other people most of the time--though I don't always take my own advice.

To be honest, I wish I lived just 2 miles from my job. That would save me from having to take public transport most days.

I hope you feel better soon. Your heatwave is over. You'll be getting some thunder and rain----then the weather will be very pleasant, indeed.

I wish you got more hugs from your fiance.



Joe90
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23 Jul 2021, 3:26 pm

I like the hot weather.

I just feel like my cousin should have Asperger's but she doesn't. Her mum might be Aspie but her dad isn't. Both my parents are neurotypicals.
My cousin has always had learning difficulties, and she has some social awkwardness but it still doesn't prevent her from making and keeping friends. She's shy in large groups and finds it hard to join in a conversation or even initiate a conversation and she isn't the best at expressing her feelings or discussing stuff like politics, but yet somehow she still seems to have friends and wants to go to these intense nightclubs in London that are way out of her league.
I don't have the Aspie stereotypes and I'm more socially skilled than the average Aspie and I'm not visibly Aspie but yet I seem to live the life of a more severe autistic; got diagnosed early in life, have only ever been in part-time cleaning jobs, and I don't have hardly any friends and no matter how much effort I make I just cannot seem to build friendships with females my age even though I am chatty, friendly, open, make natural eye contact, have a good sense of humour and have a lot of empathy and enjoy small talk and gossip and fashion and mainstream music and stuff.

Just what has she got that I haven't? I'm such a social loser. I'm so depressed. Why do I have Asperger's? Why me? Why? Why? Why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why,why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why? :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry:
I just want to be neurotypical so badly. :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry:


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kraftiekortie
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23 Jul 2021, 3:30 pm

Have you ever thought about trying to go full-time in your present job?

I understand you would be taking a risk. I'm not saying you should do it.

But have you thought about it?

It's no disgrace to be a cleaner. I've known very intelligent people who are cleaners. I once knew a cleaner in my court job who moved to Hawaii and became a disk jockey.

You seem to like the job very much. It seems to make you happy. You seem to get along with most of your co-workers.

Are you and your boyfriend considered "common law" partners? I guess if you went full-time, the government might cut his benefits.



Joe90
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23 Jul 2021, 5:02 pm

I can't go full-time because there's no buses to clean in the day. I'd just like to do some overtime sometimes, so I would be like everyone else and have experienced working like 30+ hours a week, when needed (like if we are short staffed) but I can't do that because it will affect our benefits and it wouldn't be worth my time as it wouldn't be extra money if it'd cut our benefits.

I just worry that this pandemic will go on forever now. We have vaccines but there are fully vaccinated people that are still getting sick and dying from COVID, and there are people who can't have the vaccine for health reasons so to protect them everybody has to carry on living under restrictions and it's causing more people to lose their jobs and live in poverty like me and my boyfriend are.
I'm sorry if that doesn't sound very sympathetic and I'm usually not this selfish but this depression I'm suffering from at the moment is making me feel resentful and I'm just going to be selfish for once in my whole life.

Mentally I'm in a dark, lonely place right now. I just feel sad and lonely. My boyfriend says I need to snap out of it but I can't at the moment. I was so forgetful at work tonight, because I have all these unwanted thoughts whirling round and round in my head telling me I'm useless and stupid. I don't like to talk to my mum about it because she's got enough of her own problems fighting cancer and my problems are completely trivial compared to that, and so I have to be there for her. I don't want to dump all my trivial problems on to her.
Anyway, it's my fault my mum has cancer, because I brought her so much stress for the first 24 years of my life, and I read everywhere that stress can be the cause of cancer. Her sisters don't have cancer (I'm glad they don't) and they all have neurotypical children that weren't such stressful burdens on them like I was. So I don't think it's a coincidence. I caused my mum more stress than her nieces and nephews did for their mums and so that's why my mum has cancer.

So if I didn't have Asperger's syndrome I wouldn't have been such a burden on my mum and she wouldn't have been tearing her hair out all these years.


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kraftiekortie
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23 Jul 2021, 5:46 pm

I don't think it's a definite thing that you, as a child, caused your mother's cancer.

I caused lots of stress for my mother----but she's survived to age 87 (so far), and is still thriving.



Joe90
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23 Jul 2021, 6:08 pm

I just wish I could start my whole life again as a neurotypical (but with the same parents, home, etc). If I did, I wouldn't have been disruptive and behaving out of character on my first day at school due to severe anxiety of starting school. I would have just fitted in with the other girls in my class and been just as cool as them instead of being known as "the kid with something wrong". I would have had more friends at high school and wouldn't have been behind on learning the social norms and gender pressures. (I'm not saying I would have been popular or anything but I would have had friends). I would have experienced nightclubs when I was in my late teens and early 20s, with a group of friends, instead of spending those years having moments where I'd hit myself for having Asperger's and missing out so much on normal things. And I would have been able to work full-time without getting mentally exhausted (only physically exhausted).

That is what being NT (an NT without mental health problems) is about; being normal, being on your peers wavelength, just fitting in without having to do much, taking your brain for granted, and being allowed to be selfish or snarky or unempathetic.

Being an Aspie means you have to be like Ned Flanders from The Simpsons, I don't mean religious but I mean 100% nice all the time and selfless. This site is full of selflessness. Just be selfish sometimes, people! Otherwise if you think of others all the time you don't get much appreciated for it, it doesn't win you popularity points, and you just wind up depressed and burnt out. Don't feel that being on the spectrum means you have to be completely selfless. I'm completely selfless and look at me, I'm no happier.


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23 Jul 2021, 6:20 pm

Joe90 wrote:
Being an Aspie means you have to be like Ned Flanders from The Simpsons


I have noticed many early diagnosed people have very mechanical and overly polished social skills and seem like they're always trying to keep from offending some 1st grade teacher who isn't there anymore.

I'm much more Homer Simpson and honestly, it's just a different type of miserable.


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Edna3362
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23 Jul 2021, 6:45 pm

Are you really sure about that wish though?

Just what role you want to play so badly in life, if consumes you for most part?


I seem to always been the reverse of you.
I always feel lucky, which is strange that I'm a pessimist.
And you feel unlucky.

As much as you want emotions in a place where being emotional seem forbidden, while I don't want emotions where being emotional seem to be expected.


Sometimes I wanna places switch with you.
Not to better you because where I'm may fit you better, but I thought your place seem a more fit than where I'm.



2 miles a day, on way to work? What's what I actually do.

Only difference is that my work was a full time work -- it is over 40 hours a week. I'll tell you about that as well.

There are times days in life is basically work and sleep mostly because sleep ended up over 10 hours instead of less than 8, with the rest on rushed basic care a few room for entertainment/hobbies/'socialization'.


I wanna work part time if I'm only in it for the money, but I hadn't able to negotiate about it.
Because not I'm working for the money, but because I wanna do something.

And benefits? I know nothing about any work benefits. :o
Maybe except a network or two but nothing long term or formal because there's nothing reliable here. :lol:


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Joe90
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24 Jul 2021, 5:48 pm

Thank you for replying in this thread.

I feel a bit better today. I've spent the day with my family and we all had a laugh.

I'm glad my mind is a bit clearer now. I was worried I was going to descend into madness yesterday. If this keeps happening, I'm thinking of seeing the doctor and upping my Sertraline dose. But I don't think I need to. I think I was suffering with PMT and the stress of the pandemic uncertainty got to me and also stress at work.
Next week at work it's going to be chaos because there's going to be workmen doing a lot of repairs to the ground so we've got to work around all the mess and upheaval. So I am worrying that I might not get everything done on time or I might forget or lose things. Especially when working with an idiot.


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24 Jul 2021, 8:15 pm

Have you considered doing some volunteer work 1-2 days a week, close to home, possibly physical work?

You'd get up to 30-40 productive work hours/week, have a short commute, get some exercise that could help you feel better, and won't be earning money that could deduct from your benefits.


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