Fears taking over

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This thread is to help with my fear and anxiety and prevent it from putting strain on the relationship. My boyfriend who goes by the screen name "r00tb33r" will post about our issue next.

Me and my girlfriend Rexi are putting together this post, she is struggling currently with abandonment fears. She needs to be able to come here and have a place to let out and talk about her emotions surrounding her fears, especially when they kick in. Advice, suggestions are welcome. We will post more later

Exes not allowed to comment, breakup suggestions not allowed, we are atheists so be mindful of wishes, optimistic encouragements and support welcome.

I'll be going to bed but when i wake up I expect an episode of fears to be around, wake ups tend to be the hardest especially after serious discussions, even if the discussion ended well. I also expect mood changes coming with hormone changes [pill break is not easy], emotionally i am much more vulnerable and needy, require lots of care and can be pretty unstable.

My fears are about abandonment, i also have a pretty traumatic past in relationships, they were extremely abusive e.g. months and years of being ignored, constantly being broken up with, and i have childhood attachment anxiety issues. Up until now I've managed, I'd say to keep them pretty much where they dont exist, or if they did, more so as thoughts that come and go, in the background. But these fears are so strong that i no longer can distinguish them from reality. In those moments i truly believe i will be abandoned in the future.

Talking about them with my s/o doesn't help me believe them less, feel better, and it bothers him a lot to hear it, and it is a real threat to our relationship and our future if it comes out.

These feelings wont go away as far as I was told by my psychologist, I will have to deal with them and what i do about them for the rest of my life, trying not to complicate matters more.

I have said I will always be your friend if you want me to be, and I mean it.

To clarify, I encourage her to speak to me about things that bother her. When she says she is worried that I will leave her, it hurts me, because it is the opposite of what I have on my mind.

I think it would be good for her to work through exactly why she fears abandonment. Whether posting here or talking out/ journaling about why it's so fearful can really help find the underlying issue. That goes a long way to finding ways to feel better.

I'm gonna ignore this but please DON'T POST here again. i wish i didnt have to mention exes OR people i have been intimate with in the past, but it includes you, Pepe.. Don't post again.

I have been through all sorts of relationships, I have picked people on different criteria, and still everyone said they would never leave and yet they did. When he does that I can't believe him anymore, or momentarily or easily. Sometimes I see things that have happened in previous relationships and I fear the same thing ultimately taking place, it's like patterns. I'm afraid of my own emotions and of the other person's ability to deal with them. I want somebody for life but so soon people just seem to doubt me and want out. It's hard to push through and realize that in the end everyone has their limits and that some things have really bad consequences. Because it's only 4 months in and it's already being threatened, it also scares me. Wanting each other for life doesnt fit anywhere in this situation and maybe we've had doubts or mentioned leaving before in our relationship but it seemed very real this time. The things that were said were pretty clear and painted a different picture and even if he said he wants to be with me after and that he felt abused by me talking about them and getting angry when i left messages, that he doesnt want them to repeat anymore because he can't handle them, after all this time it's like a thing suddenly making it so easy almost seems like he doesn't care anymore.
I want to be with him, but if the first time it happened has to be the last, I understand it's not great but carrying this weight I'm not sure it's realistic to expect it to never happen again even if I want that. He just can't handle it at all and it's my weakness.
I don't want to lose him, I don't want that to ever happen again and at this point I think we've been really good together and we've worked through a lot of things. I initially started off as poly, because I was trying to fix issues like this, maybe not get so attached to people and if they would leave, I wouldn't have to face the world alone and maybe id have my focus switched easier. But its not as easy. Once you get attached and if people aren't poly it's just not easy or working. So I have to face my fears again.
I am very attached of the life we built, of the man I have and he is special, I can't deal with the fact that I'd have to let him go, we planned to get me to the USA and thats a really tough challenge for me and us as a couple, and for all my progress to end it's just not easy to think about it.
I fear of people not being the same after the beginning because it all used to start really well and end up extremely unstable and theyd abandon me. It's always the fear i can't choose partners properly given my childhood trap and I tend to get into relationships that are a bit problematic at the start. I can't say we had no problems but maybe none of those people I was dating were problem free either. It just scares me for people to turn so fast, for people to not care anymore and for relationships to end and thats always a big chance with relationships regarldess if its me, maybe my problems just add to it given people just can't handle them, which is not how it should be, i dont want people to endure the things its my duty to take care of.
It's hard to believe anymore in relationships, and that this one will end up differently. It's hard to think that it won't end like all the others even if it seems special and it seems it has strengths because this feeling is so familiar to me and it means nothing anymore.

So far before the big fear event which really affected him, I have had thoughts, sometimes when he'd say he would do some things, in the background i found myself unable to believe them and thinking about the possibility it would end but i didnt treat it as something that real, didnt put much mind to it given hes been really good to me and serious about working on things and bringing me there so we could truly build a life together. It did interfere with me actually at times feeling comfortable enough and worry free about the relationship.
Even at the beginning I kept telling him he'd have to prove it and only when it happens i could really believe it. Because ive heard so many things people said and they probably meant a lot at the time or maybe didnt for some people but the result was really bad. It was the opposite of what they had said. I just wanted to see good things happen.

A bit of an update: things are much better now, and it hasnt happened again to that point, just dealing once with some thoughts at night but unrelated to any of my previous concerns, also r00tb33r has done some reassuring me that he wont break up if it happens again, but that he will try to tolerate it. What he meant wasnt that, although i do believe he had some doubts and fears himself about it happening again and himself being unpredictable and at its wit's end.

All in all we have a great relationship, best ive ever had, and i think it has really good potential for it to be a healthy long term, a calm relationship which is what its like the majority of time.

I'm much more confident that i can get things under control and the way he is i think helps a lot and the nature of the calmness between us and the understanding serious connection reassures me that things can improve and not get to the point where it's dangerous for our relationship again. None of us wants that and it shows.

Really difficult times right now, just been in an argument and things got out of hand, he said he didnt think I'd be ready for us to get married because I dont trust him to go to the mountains with him in another country we'll meet in for him to propose, so makes no sense that id be ready to marry him. Got me so angry and I kept talking a lot and interrupting him and he threatened to end the call if I didnt stop doing it however to that level of anger, I just couldnt take hearing anything more, and i kept asking for us to end the call. I was terrified. In the past many exes have done that to me, threatened or even left mid conversation and it's very scary. He said it's normal if i keep stepping on his boundaries because it bothers him if someone speaks over him. I wish hed have been gentle saying or suggesting that wed end the call so we can talk better.

Now i feel like hes pulling back. His intention was to marry me and i eventually came around to that decision but now he seems to not be able to do it and I feel like I keep needing to do difficult things to prove it and that itll never end. The concern is that he said he is having very tough times with the online relationship and he doesnt think he can wait for me a year so i just am very stressed and scared and hurt because it sounds like it doesnt really matter and it could very easily end. What i want is a longterm marriage and it takes a lot of patience. He says he wants that but today hes said hes made a mistake or he pushed me into the relationship with rules i dont like or agree with, and thats completely not how i feel. There were tough decisions i made that i wasnt initially planning and he talked to me about them quite often but I did desire them, and i brought them up because i think they added to our path towards marriage and he asked what things i did to lead towards marriage. I didnt like that but I replied honestly.

I just wish things were as simple as he initially thought they would be but now I dont know what hes thinking and what other things he will find about me and my fears that i wont be able to actually feel differently about and he needs those to be a certain way to know I'm ready. But relationships arent perfect. I'm heartbroken, he wants me to never doubt him like not know whether hes lying, because i said i wouldnt know where he lives and id be fearful to be in another country and go to areas that are not populated like mountain hike with him. He wants me to trust him with my life and I agreed but will that be enough...? He's felt bad talking to me because of the fights today. He's not the only one, yet I dont know why it doesnt bother me as much, I just want to be able to be with him in real life. I want it so much, he used to want it so much. Now it's all about specifics, it scares me. How long will it take? When will it happen, and will it happen at all?

On another recent thing he said he was wrong about it and now he thinks we're not quite ready, like if i dont keep an open mind about traveling with him, even to more dangerous locations with bears, and with lava, walking on dried hot lava even if peoples shoes melt if theyre not the right kind. It was scary, but i eventually said ill keep an open mind about it. He even told me even if i dont think it will happen he wants me to say it like that. I understand he wants me to be able to do stuff with him and in general, and will support me, thats so tough, do my feelings and preferences matter? They do because hes trying to work out things that are easy for me, like meet only in Vienna, and not go in another country. But there are still things I have to do that I've never done and I don't see as being safe in general. He wants me to push my boundaries and believe i can do it, but to me it feels like him trying to give ideas to me of things that i can do to challenge my fears, before i am willing to challenge fears and without me deciding what fears I should challenge and at what times. It's very difficuly and unnatural. It's not that i dont want to do it but I dont want to live my life by someone elses guidance, at the same time I do want to do things together with him that hed enjoy and that he would be happy to see me do, I'd like to share such an experience with him sometimes in my life. Past onths its been a constant run of things that I had very tough times with, and thinking and deciding on a lot of things, and his country went red in Romania's list and he cant come here anymore. The plan was to meet because thats whats required to be married, and then be together in his country. I enjoy meeting him but rn it feels like I just really want to get the marriage done with, these arguments scare me and the ways things change and aren't reliable and the same. With covid restrictions and needs to meet in other country is not easy.

He said his goal is still to marry me. He wants me even so. He's willing to work with me. I dont want to destroy what we have, but my choice will never be to end things. That would be his as he can last with me and as I can please him, if hes truly willing to be happy with me and admires and is fascinated by the person I am, he will stay and give me that chance of finding ways to make things work, he will give whatever it takes and let me help him, and guide me to. That's what I believe. I wish... he will accept my flaws without changing and still be able to admire me. I'm out of ideas and filled with anxiety and thrill.

He loves me and helps me daily, even if it takes a toll on him and it makes him fed up with my emotional issues. He never can deny helping me, even if itd end being the death of him. In that way he is utmost dedicated. He's always shown me that he can and I can do a lot of things, and helped me achieve them. He's been there in all the tough times and didn't turn away and run even when he was urging to. He asks about my life, it concerns him. He wants to have me ultimately taking care of the things i need here and then leave. These things are still so many, need to fix my knee now. Vaccines are almost over soon. All these things we did together, worked so hard for me to be able to do them. Have a printer in my home now thanks to him, it helps a lot. Have some health issues dealt with, got my first passport, it was what he said I needed to do to make him feel like I was working on things, even though i did things before that for my health and I worked on finding information online, i did all that he said and more. I wanted it to be enough. We talked about a lot of things we'd do, products we'd replace for me, all very difficult discussions but we did them. Couples who have each other in real life or are within small driving distance dont even know what struggles online people get through to figure everything out, moving to another country, leaving everything behind and working out all the details that need for that to happen, trips, bookings, timing... Changes of plans are devastating. It's so hard for me to do tasks like even getting to a doctor nearby or making calls, yet i checked taxies from another city and asked to make sure that hed be coming here safely and it was a reliable way for us to meet. I want things to work out so badly, I don't want changes in his opinion or in the state decisions anymore. I want to meet his mom. I havent even talked to her. Mom tells me she wants to too, theres a lot of pressure from that side too, worry, mistrust. He didnt want her to come with us though, our plan was to go to Vienna, and then to another country, I wanted to bring someone with me but it wouldve been too expensive for him to pay for both of us and he wasnt happy about that and his relative added probably to that influence, saying that itd be fair for us to meet alone. Thats fine even though ive never been on a plane, because now hes not taking his grandma either to his relative in another country, so we can just be there and not leave somewhere far, and just be together.

I've always had fears and I talked to him about them sometimes, but suddenly they matter enough to make his wish for marriage halt. He's shocked like he's just found it out, very strange. It's like he doesnt know anything about me. I'm very unhappy about that, makes me wonder what the future holds.

I told him really early in the relationship about the fear of being abused, about the relationships I had and people saying one thing and eventually it ends up they didnt want to do it anymore. About the way they werent genuine or had the intentions they said they had, about why i was poly, my concerns about having a relationship which would have the same dangers or where id be so attached and controllable, my concerns about unhealthy relationships and my needs of stability and certainty for the future. Why is it now they matter and then they didnt and he was focused on showing me a future i now want so much but he cant offer unless i can fulfil some attributes. Why is me now being ready and wanting it faced with him not being able to?

Feeling numb, there is pain, then there is numbness, there is anxiety with numbness mixed together. There is the urge to have him and then the lack of concern or feeling about things getting bad. I wish i wouldnt have talked tonight, about this. But at least we did it at the end, after we enjoyed a good game and talking to each other and flirting. He doesnt know it but i secretly wished for this and thought itd be the best to talk about things after having a day of fun. Because sometimes it happens that he may feel like "i wanted to do x with you but..." but maybe I misunderstood. Though time with him to me is so precious even when we are debating and arguing. I hate the stress, though, anxiety, it's not a good place to be for us.

Poster suggested that i find the underlying issue to my fear of abandonment. I dont currently have concerns of it as much, for the near future but I still have a lot of uncertainty around it, since our fight and the things that happened in it. I think we are okay but i often overestimate such things and am way too positive. Im not wanting a breakup

I dont want to lose this person i have so close to me, i have dreams and feelings that go far beyond what we have currently, I am content to be alone and left alone, but my concern is loss. Distance from this person who is very dear to me and whom i love, I feel is good and right at heart and would do so much to be with. I want it to happen with him, that future. If it doesn't it's like losing a great part of me, or of another person that i really want to be there. What happens when I lose them? It's very sad, I have to go back to my usual plans and hopelessness, maybe fear of trying forever and never getting it done, never having someone who can take me there, or never being good or healthy enough to allow and support it to happen no matter how much I work on it. But thats only a concern if i have someone. Losing the person I want is an emptiness and feeling of failure and betrayed, inability. Most of my emotions dont scare me, its the fear and horror of them being gone. It's the anger and heartshaking feeling of a life that's gone. There's nothing worse in life than that, really provokes suffering, memories, feeling of broken heart and trust and the greatest loss, which is to lose the person so dear to you, the one person in the world that matters and cares. That relationship, that special person unfound in any other situation, is so hard to lose and so precious.

Is it the end of the world? No because people recover eventually but its the end of a wonderful world, unique, special and shared. I'm not wanting a breakup, btw just making sure it's clear I also get a sense in those moments of panic that this person doesnt got my back, they dont take care or support me, and they could hurt me and would if they were angry or something. Which is what sometimes happens, he warns me not to say things when hes angry, and what not to do. It is frightening. I suppose thats a way to let me know though. I just dont like that we have to continue then when it's that risky for him, and he can actually really cause damage to our relationship even if he doesnt mean it then because its anger. I don't know, I just want him. Probably my focus should be on what i need to do though more than wanting him. He said he wants me to never have those doubts of him not being who he says he is. I dont know how such a level of consistent trust can be achieved in a person with as high anxiety and trauma as me. Feels like im set up for failure, even though i dont want that to happen. With big requests i tend to be rigid and refuse, and the reason is im uncomfortable with the request and trust to that level.