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lvpin
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24 Sep 2021, 8:06 pm

I've been feeling empty again. It's been too emotionally tiring to keep up being so anxious so now I feel kind of like I'm in a dream and this constant guilt. I always feel guilty but it's gotten worse so I can't ignore it as easily. My eating problems changed and I just feel tired. Used to binge eat then over exercise or starve but now what happens is I eat then spit out the food which is a new low. I have to hide the mush too and my room is a mess and I have to live with the fact that there are hidden boxes of chewed up and spit up food. I felt good at first because it was less calories than eating it but googled and found out you still digest a fair fraction, it damages your metabolism and you tend to gain weight over time and I feel stuck. Firstly every time I do it my guilt worsens because I'm wasting food but I just can't binge anymore, yes I overeat when i'm anxious but binging is a different beast. What I do now, although it makes me disgusted at myself, is sort of calming because of how repetative it is and lets me taste stuff that makes me feel comforted without the horrible pain. I'm scared too because I realised because of my age and the fact I have ID I can buy stuff like laxatives and 'better' (not really but you get me) things to self harm with. To be honest, my eating has gotten a lot worse because I am dealing with ringworm rn so have been too scared to cut and hence am dealing with it like this. I hate feeling the need to destroy my body.

I just don't really feel like myself and this constant guilt is unbearable. I feel bad for all my self destructive behaviours but when I force myself to stop it affects me physically because of the stress (my alopecia flares up, I got this rash, I get really bad acid reflux, can't speak etc). The ways to cope my therapist told me don't work either even when I try. I can't open up to my family either because when my mum hears about this stuff she sort of shuts down and sounds cold/angry. I know she isn't truly and its because she sort of panics but it means I don't really have anyone to tell when things get worse and at this point I struggle to even tell my therapist. I can't tell if this is my fault or not either and I just try to obsessively make things right but honestly I don't even know if that's the right thing to do. No matter what I do it's wrong and I'm trapped. It's making me not care about my life anymore, I noticed when I realised I stopped checking for cars again.



Juliette
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27 Sep 2021, 7:47 pm

Sorry to hear this Iv. You know, everything you’re feeling is perfectly normal for someone dealing with the issues you’ve been dealing with. Feelings of depression, anxiety, shame, disgust and guilt are feelings typical of people with eating disorders. The hiding of food in your room as you mentioned is also common. The steps recommended for helping in this situation are ones you already know well. (1. Don’t skip meals. 2. Practice mindful eating. 3. Identify triggers. 4. Regular exercise and fresh air.) I understand these are easier said than done. You ARE worth all the time it will take to overcome this food disorder. You CAN overcome it eventually but be patient and gentle with yourself. You have alot more going for you than you realise. Supportive relationships are vital.

Eating disorders are more complicated than just unhealthy dietary habits. At their core, they’re attempts to deal with emotional issues and involve distorted, self-critical attitudes about weight, food, and body image. It’s these negative thoughts and feelings that are fueling your damaging behaviors. As you know, there are no quick fixes or miracle cures.

The road to recovery begins by identifying the underlying issues that drive your eating disorder and finding healthier ways to cope with emotional pain … having a good Doc, therapist and nutritionist is very important. You know all this and deserve huge respect for accepting their help and support.

You know that we’re all behind you here 100%. What this disorder has the potential to do to you makes me even more determined to remind you that you are cared deeply about here, and we want to see you conquer this and master control of it in a healthy way. Part of that, means accepting it can be a case of two steps forward, three steps back at times. Please don’t ever give up. You matter, your life matters, very much so. Remind yourself that these emotions you’re feeling are all part of the process in dealing with and eventually overcoming it. As for not looking, traffic-wise … Iv! I hope you can talk to your Therapist about that and that she too will remind you of your own precious self worth. You’re dealing with so much and I’m very glad you’re still reaching out, opening up and sharing how you’re feeling. Sometimes just writing it out can be a type of therapy in itself. Sending :heart: