I'm thinking of committing suicide

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I really badly want to be neurotypical, really, really badly. So committing suicide is the only way out of this social isolation that I'm suffering from. There's a train track near my house, all I need to do is put my head on the tracks and wait for a train to come along, then it'll put me out of my misery.

If I don't get diagnosed with ADHD then I will commit suicide. I will not accept that all of my social difficulties are caused by Asperger's alone. I don't think Asperger's can cause so much social isolation. Other people I know with Asperger's seem to make friends so why the f**k can't I? Must be co-morbids holding me back too. If I just had Asperger's alone I wouldn't be this socially isolated.

Autism can never be cured. Scientists still don't understand autism, so all they do is correlate it with every life-threatening disease possible, like Alzheimer's, heart disease, autoimmune diseases, and God knows what else. I hate being a walking mystery. I just feel like giving up. I'm really, really, really depressed and coming on to WP just makes it a whole lot worse. I don't want anything to do with autism any more, I hate it with a vengeance and all I feel like doing is smacking my head until my f****d up brain bleeds because that's what it deserves. It shouldn't have been wired like that in the first place. It should be a neurotypical brain like everyone else.

I'm done.

Sending PM.

I don't really know what to say.

Has something happened in your life, recently?

When will you be evaluated for ADHD, or has this happened yet?

Again I would strongly recommend that you join an ADHD support group. Hopefully there are some local U.K.-based ADHD support groups that are now holding virtual meetings and will hold in-person meetings again after COVID is finally under control.

IMO you would probably fit in much better with a group of ADHDers than with a group of NT's, and you've said that you feel more comfortable identifying as ADHD than as autistic. So I think the local ADHD community is probably your best bet as a place to find friends.

Oh Joe I wish I could help you. Honestly I do believe that you will pull through all of this.

I don't know what to say other than I get that the isolation can feel impossible to deal with at times

Even if you were NT, I'm sure you would have other problems. NTs aren't flawless either and have things they struggle with too.

When I feel like this I try to remember that even if there's a lot of things I can't do that NTs can... the reverse is true too.

Joe, please don't!

Everything I do takes extra mental effort, but no matter how severely exhausted I am, I still can't sleep. Lack of sleep is what's making me feel this way.

Even just going to work is extremely difficult. Last week during one of my bad days it felt almost impossible to do anything. I just wanted to sit there and do nothing, but not because I'm lazy. It's because of having no mental energy.

I feel like I'm climbing the walls with depression and self-loathing. I feel so alone. I have all the symptoms of depression:-

Feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness or hopelessness
Yes, I have all of these.

Angry outbursts, irritability or frustration, even over small matters
This is the only symptom the Sertraline prevents.

Loss of interest or pleasure in most or all normal activities, such as sex, hobbies or sports
I usually enjoy my job but I've lost interest and just the thought of going makes me feel exhausted.

Sleep disturbances, including insomnia or sleeping too much
I'm having major trouble sleeping. I'm up all night feeling restless, then I sleep for a few hours in the morning.

Tiredness and lack of energy, so even small tasks take extra effort
Yes, even getting dressed can take extra effort. Also I feel unwell mentally. I feel I have to drag myself around, and force myself to do things (which is just mentally draining).

Reduced appetite and weight loss or increased cravings for food and weight gain
Food is my friend. I've put on a lot of weight and I feel too agoraphobic to go outside for walks.

Anxiety, agitation or restlessness
My anxiety levels have been higher than usual and I am very agitated and restless.

Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements
My speech is a bit slurred and I can't bring myself to smile.

Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or self-blame
It's all I've been doing; blaming myself for my mother's death, feeling frustrated at myself for all the embarrassing things I've ever done (social failures), etc. I can't stop obsessing over recent social exclusions I have experienced.

Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things
Due to possible ADHD I have this anyway but depression has made it worse, which is another reason I'm not going out much only to work.

Frequent or recurrent thoughts of death, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts or suicide
Yes I have this, I feel I've always just existed and that I'd be better off dead.

Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches
I'm having things like coldsores, zits and finger infections. These usually occur when I'm stressed or depressed.

I am phoning the doctors tomorrow morning to see what they can do to help.

Please keep us posted, okay?

And stay safe.

I'm glad to see you're reaching out to your doctor. You've been through so much lately with bereavement, anxiety, and even trauma from your ASD diagnosis which has upset you for so many years. Add the stress of your ADHD assessment and the insecurity you feel trying to jump those hoops. Insomnia will always make things worse, but it's a sign that you need help - so I'm glad you're going to talk to your doctor.

Thanks also for your PMs and for being so open about what's going on.

We are all here for you, and we're very protective. It's OK if you need to break down, or shut down, or scream for a little while until you get the support you need. That might be in the form of grief therapy, trauma therapy, or finding a community where you feel more comfortable (ADHD for example). In the meantime you're always safe here, and it's OK to vent whenever you're having a rough day.

Re: Sertraline 100mg - Ask your doctor. 75 mg might also be an option. The important thing is that you talk to your doctor and let them know how poorly you've been feeling. I hope they can set you up with a therapist or advocate who can help you navigate these very difficult days.

I hope the doctor treats you well, and listens to you.

Are you also talking to your fiancé? I hope he’s listening to you.

You are much better than you think you are. I believe you are your own worst enemy.

I almost wish you could do full-time with the bus company—but I’m not going to directly advocate that.

Your mum would love it if you pay tribute to her at Christmas in some way.

And stop comparing yourself to other people. It’s something that is a lose-lose proposition for even the “best” of people.

Joe, there are a lot of us hoping you will be alright -- we want you to be alright.  Please take care of yourself.

Thank you all for your kind words. I'm feeling a bit better today and have more mental energy. Hopefully I'll get in a good night's sleep tonight.