I'm thinking of committing suicide

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Pepe
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07 Dec 2021, 5:28 pm

Joe90 wrote:
Pepe wrote:
I don't really know what to say.

Has something happened in your life, recently?


Yes, my mum's untimely passing away last month. Something I never thought would happen.

Don't worry, I won't commit suicide. I was just having a depressive moment. I keep going into myself, losing interest in daily activities I used to enjoy, such as work and socialising, and I keep overanalyzing situations and comparing myself to other people. There are too many happy-go-lucky neurotypicals around me that I get extremely jealous of for being neurotypical. I really want to be one of them and no Aspie can convince me otherwise.


I am very glad you are feeling better. <hug>
You had us worried.


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Don't tell me white lies. Gaslight me at your peril. Don't give me your bad attitude. Hypnosis, psychosis. Tomarto, tomayto. There are *4* lights. Honey badger.
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And one more thing,


"A stranger is a friend gang-stalker you haven't met yet." Humour is not meant to be taken seriously, yet many pervert its intent.
Truth may be inconvenient but it is never politically incorrect...The Oracle of Truth has spoken...8)


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Joe90
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07 Dec 2021, 6:27 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
I hope the doctor treats you well, and listens to you.

Are you also talking to your fiancé? I hope he’s listening to you.

You are much better than you think you are. I believe you are your own worst enemy.

I almost wish you could do full-time with the bus company—but I’m not going to directly advocate that.

Your mum would love it if you pay tribute to her at Christmas in some way.

And stop comparing yourself to other people. It’s something that is a lose-lose proposition for even the “best” of people.


I set up my Christmas tree, all lit up with lights. I did it for my mum.

Yes I am my own worst enemy. I treat myself how I would never treat other people. I don't know how to stop.

I've always compared myself to my peers - whether they're NT or not. I do this more when depressed. I suppose that is a symptom of depression. I suppose I'm finding it hard to move on from the past, like I'm in purgatory; I can't forgive myself for all my social failures so I can't move on. And when the same social rejection/isolation is still happening to me in adulthood as it did in high school, it's hard to forget and move on. Whenever I do get excluded from social activities, it haunts me back to my high school days, and because I've developed much better social skills since then, I feel I shouldn't be socially rejected any more. Other adult Aspies seem to be included in social activities with their peers.


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theprisoner
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07 Dec 2021, 6:38 pm

Maybe it's case of "seasonal affective disorder." So gloomy here now winter has set in, and you must be dealing with a feeling of emptiness from your personal situation.
Yeah Asd is quite the hindrance, can leave you feeling a socially dysfunctional outcast. I feel much the same as you do about it.


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kraftiekortie
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07 Dec 2021, 7:05 pm

It's proper to note that Jo has recently lost her mother, with whom she was very close.

Mourning is a hard business.

I hope Jo knows that she has friends here with whom she can talk.



Pepe
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07 Dec 2021, 11:00 pm

theprisoner wrote:
Maybe it's case of "seasonal affective disorder." So gloomy here now winter has set in, and you must be dealing with a feeling of emptiness from your personal situation.
Yeah Asd is quite the hindrance, can leave you feeling a socially dysfunctional outcast. I feel much the same as you do about it.


The first Christmas for Joe without her mum.

I lost mine about 6 years ago.
I know the feeling.


_________________
Laughter is the best medicine. Age-appropriate behaviour is an arbitrary NT social construct.
Don't tell me white lies. Gaslight me at your peril. Don't give me your bad attitude. Hypnosis, psychosis. Tomarto, tomayto. There are *4* lights. Honey badger.
If I'm so bad, pass me by. ;)


And one more thing,


"A stranger is a friend gang-stalker you haven't met yet." Humour is not meant to be taken seriously, yet many pervert its intent.
Truth may be inconvenient but it is never politically incorrect...The Oracle of Truth has spoken...8)


I luv KFC!


WeirdMetronome
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08 Dec 2021, 3:40 am

It's good that you are feeling a bit better. I hope you can get some help from the doctor. It's also good that you were able to reach out to them. :) When I feel that way I find it impossible to reach out to anyone so I think you did well to do that.



Joe90
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08 Dec 2021, 4:46 am

WeirdMetronome wrote:
It's good that you are feeling a bit better. I hope you can get some help from the doctor. It's also good that you were able to reach out to them. :) When I feel that way I find it impossible to reach out to anyone so I think you did well to do that.


Yes, feeling extremely anxious and depressed doesn't affect my ability to communicate. I'm naturally open and expressive (too expressive sometimes). This is where I question my diagnosis...but then I remember I can't make friends like everyone else can, so that's enough evidence in itself that I am autistic. ( :roll: )


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Fnord
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08 Dec 2021, 9:19 am

Good morning, Joe!



Bustduster
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08 Dec 2021, 11:25 am

Joe90 wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
I hope the doctor treats you well, and listens to you.

Are you also talking to your fiancé? I hope he’s listening to you.

You are much better than you think you are. I believe you are your own worst enemy.

I almost wish you could do full-time with the bus company—but I’m not going to directly advocate that.

Your mum would love it if you pay tribute to her at Christmas in some way.

And stop comparing yourself to other people. It’s something that is a lose-lose proposition for even the “best” of people.


I set up my Christmas tree, all lit up with lights. I did it for my mum.

Yes I am my own worst enemy. I treat myself how I would never treat other people. I don't know how to stop.

I've always compared myself to my peers - whether they're NT or not. I do this more when depressed. I suppose that is a symptom of depression. I suppose I'm finding it hard to move on from the past, like I'm in purgatory; I can't forgive myself for all my social failures so I can't move on. And when the same social rejection/isolation is still happening to me in adulthood as it did in high school, it's hard to forget and move on. Whenever I do get excluded from social activities, it haunts me back to my high school days, and because I've developed much better social skills since then, I feel I shouldn't be socially rejected any more. Other adult Aspies seem to be included in social activities with their peers.


I understand this. Comparing oneself to others and judging oneself as inferior is a sign of low self-esteem, which is definitely a symptom of depression. If it weren't for the (thankfully) very effective meds I'm on I'd probably still be in the same position. I've learnt over time that harshly judging oneself in relation to others - whilst a perfectly natural thing to do - also blocks any progress you make as a person. I managed to pull myself out of that mental mode
eventually, but it took a good fifteen years and lots of help from others.

Glad you feel better today. Your post had me wondering about one thing - you say you can't make friends and are excluded socially. Do you really not have any friends or is it just that depression prevents you from valuing the ones you do have? Have certainly been prone to the latter during bouts of depression myself.



Joe90
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08 Dec 2021, 12:56 pm

Quote:
Glad you feel better today. Your post had me wondering about one thing - you say you can't make friends and are excluded socially. Do you really not have any friends or is it just that depression prevents you from valuing the ones you do have? Have certainly been prone to the latter during bouts of depression myself.


I have a very small circle of friends, I could count all my friends on one hand. Even when I'm feeling normal I can't seem to get past the acquaintance stage especially with neurotypicals. I worry about being too intrusive or too aloof. My social difficulties are only minor but still enough to make friendships almost impossible.


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Steve1963
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08 Dec 2021, 12:58 pm

Joe90 wrote:
I have a very small circle of friends
Consider yourself lucky then. I would kill (fine...not really kill) for a small circle of friends. Or a friend.



kraftiekortie
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08 Dec 2021, 1:38 pm

I've never had more than five "friends" in my life at one time.

At this point, the reality is that I have some casual "friends"---but nobody in "real life" whom I can confide in. I guess it's partially my fault.



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08 Dec 2021, 1:47 pm

A wise person once said to me that you can count your true friends in life on the fingers of one hand.



kraftiekortie
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08 Dec 2021, 1:49 pm

^That is a very wise thing to say----because I find that to be the truth, really.



Joe90
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08 Dec 2021, 4:31 pm

Well maybe if I looked at my life from third person point of view my life might look more social than I think it is. But I suppose it's small compared to my NT peers.

Once I saw in a meme an analogy about quality of friends, it said something like "I'd prefer to pay with a £1 coin than with 100 pennies". I can't explain it but I know what it means.


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kraftiekortie
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08 Dec 2021, 4:36 pm

Giving somebody 100 pennies would be a hassle for that person. One coin versus 100 coins in that person's pocket.

We have dollar coins; but they're sort of uncommon. The Dollar Bill is much more common. The UK doesn't have the 1 Pound Note.