I'm thinking of committing suicide

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I am very glad you are feeling better. <hug>
You had us worried.

I set up my Christmas tree, all lit up with lights. I did it for my mum.

Yes I am my own worst enemy. I treat myself how I would never treat other people. I don't know how to stop.

I've always compared myself to my peers - whether they're NT or not. I do this more when depressed. I suppose that is a symptom of depression. I suppose I'm finding it hard to move on from the past, like I'm in purgatory; I can't forgive myself for all my social failures so I can't move on. And when the same social rejection/isolation is still happening to me in adulthood as it did in high school, it's hard to forget and move on. Whenever I do get excluded from social activities, it haunts me back to my high school days, and because I've developed much better social skills since then, I feel I shouldn't be socially rejected any more. Other adult Aspies seem to be included in social activities with their peers.

Maybe it's case of "seasonal affective disorder." So gloomy here now winter has set in, and you must be dealing with a feeling of emptiness from your personal situation.
Yeah Asd is quite the hindrance, can leave you feeling a socially dysfunctional outcast. I feel much the same as you do about it.

It's proper to note that Jo has recently lost her mother, with whom she was very close.

Mourning is a hard business.

I hope Jo knows that she has friends here with whom she can talk.

The first Christmas for Joe without her mum.

I lost mine about 6 years ago.
I know the feeling.

It's good that you are feeling a bit better. I hope you can get some help from the doctor. It's also good that you were able to reach out to them. When I feel that way I find it impossible to reach out to anyone so I think you did well to do that.

Yes, feeling extremely anxious and depressed doesn't affect my ability to communicate. I'm naturally open and expressive (too expressive sometimes). This is where I question my diagnosis...but then I remember I can't make friends like everyone else can, so that's enough evidence in itself that I am autistic. ( )

Good morning, Joe!

I understand this. Comparing oneself to others and judging oneself as inferior is a sign of low self-esteem, which is definitely a symptom of depression. If it weren't for the (thankfully) very effective meds I'm on I'd probably still be in the same position. I've learnt over time that harshly judging oneself in relation to others - whilst a perfectly natural thing to do - also blocks any progress you make as a person. I managed to pull myself out of that mental mode
eventually, but it took a good fifteen years and lots of help from others.

Glad you feel better today. Your post had me wondering about one thing - you say you can't make friends and are excluded socially. Do you really not have any friends or is it just that depression prevents you from valuing the ones you do have? Have certainly been prone to the latter during bouts of depression myself.

I have a very small circle of friends, I could count all my friends on one hand. Even when I'm feeling normal I can't seem to get past the acquaintance stage especially with neurotypicals. I worry about being too intrusive or too aloof. My social difficulties are only minor but still enough to make friendships almost impossible.

Consider yourself lucky then. I would kill (fine...not really kill) for a small circle of friends. Or a friend.

I've never had more than five "friends" in my life at one time.

At this point, the reality is that I have some casual "friends"---but nobody in "real life" whom I can confide in. I guess it's partially my fault.

A wise person once said to me that you can count your true friends in life on the fingers of one hand.

^That is a very wise thing to say----because I find that to be the truth, really.

Well maybe if I looked at my life from third person point of view my life might look more social than I think it is. But I suppose it's small compared to my NT peers.

Once I saw in a meme an analogy about quality of friends, it said something like "I'd prefer to pay with a £1 coin than with 100 pennies". I can't explain it but I know what it means.

Giving somebody 100 pennies would be a hassle for that person. One coin versus 100 coins in that person's pocket.

We have dollar coins; but they're sort of uncommon. The Dollar Bill is much more common. The UK doesn't have the 1 Pound Note.