Oh dear

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Lol thanks Kraftie.

I’m just a dumb country girl that moved to a big town and then didn’t know what to watch out for.

Including how dangerous and stupid and evil people can be.

I wish you had met more nice people. There are nice people in cities, too.

Are you still going to study religions?

Thanks you guys. I've been talking to some nicer people lately who don't care if I'm crazy. Wish I could have been strong like them so I could be their friend. But that's just life, I know life isn't fair. I get that now.

Mostly I just keep to myself so I don't upset anyone with the poor state of my physical and mental health.

Agree with Kraftie. Just because you are going through a bad patch it doesn't mean things won't improve.

Shamans are like every other form of therapist, they can only help you if you help yourself first.

Hi Sarahsmith.
A few things about going the shamanic medicine route.
These medicines cannot change what you are. The physical hardware you have is what you've got. They can, however, change how you think and feel about what you've got. And that is a huge deal. In fact for many of us I think it's a bigger deal than the physical hardware part.

Healing of any sort comes from within, rather than from some shaman character. There are many very skilled shamans who can help you with finding that healing. There are also a lot of less helpful to downright hurtful "shamans". One needs to choose wisely.
Healing coming from within means having to take responsibility for your process. One of the issues with going to a shaman is the tendancy to pass responsibility onto them. Ego tends to like doing that.
You sound like you are going through a lot at the moment. Typically healing through psychedelics involves an initial dive into the painful stuff of reality. The dark unpleasantness of how we feel about ourselves. This can be difficult and is what is colloquially called a "bad trip". Really there is no such thing as bad, only difficult. It is by having the courage to stay with the difficulty that one can get through to the other side where possibility opens up. That requires support. Support both during the experience and often afterwards as well.

There are no shortcuts. Whatever the emotional difficulty, one needs to look at it first before it is possible to get beyond it. Otherwise it's just papering over the cracks.

It is a fact of being human that all of the information about how you relate to yourself is somewhere within you. As they say "you already have everything you need". Trusting this is true is very helpful. You have it all already. You just need to be able to look at it from a slightly different angle. A change of perspective can be very powerful.

Best of luck on your journey! If you ever need to chat about these issues, feel free to PM me.

Thanks that sounds very insightful. Yes I'm definitely lacking courage and the right mindset and it has been like that for a long time. I did psilocybin while on medication but it was still quite a profound experience for me. Something screwed me up afterwards so I guess plant medicines can't do all the work for you. A lot of it is I've always tried to take the easy way out of life and absolutely everything and what a bad plan that was. It made me stupid. I guess I should be more easy on myself because my upbringing was very challenging. Not easy. Mom did acid and some stupid bad drugs in the 80s a few years before she had me and I never knew how to deal with her. It was hell when I became a teenager. Also we were the poorest kids in my school and I got bullied.

My shroom trip made me come to the realization who I could of been and I can't remove the guilt. I feel like the person I am now isn't really who I am. It feels like I'm lying to everyone in a way. I could have been beautiful but it would have taken so much courage from the very beginning of my life. And I just didn't know how to do that.

I'm quite screwed now. I can't talk about just what did this to me but being a lot more mature and smart about it would of helped. I didn't realize the danger I was in until it was too late.

I was not a lucky person, quite unfortunate but strength would of helped me persevere. But I stupidly blindly did the opposite and got weaker!! !

Argh I'm so stupid and mad at myself!! I had my whole life ahead of me and now I'm going to die. I mean I basically was a dumb girl who got myself killed. I can't even blame this on my enemies I was just stupid.

At least this anger makes me feel powerful, but I have to be careful not to piss off anyone who has authority over me with this anger.

Also my schizophrenia sucks because sometimes I trip out on my own and it makes reality very confusing while living in the conservative hell of western culture.

I can guarantee you are no more stupid than any of us.

All humans try to take the easiest route. There is nothing wrong with it per se. It's just nature working economically. In some circumstances a different choice may be more beneficial though.

Every choice we make (even "good" ones) kills thousands of futures for us. Whatever the choice, it introduces limitations on the possible futures we can live. At the same time any choice opens up possibilities. Often in ways we cannot see.

You've mentioned your health concerns a few times. Is this a diagnosed condition? Or some symptoms you are worried about? Either way, nothing is written in stone. If you are still breathing, there are still possibilities.

I'm sorry you're feeling so down on yourself and struggling so much. I know how messy and hard life can be. I wish you the strength to get up and keep going every day.i hope things improve for you soon.