Dumped by a friend. Again.

Post Reply New Topic

As I suspected, 1 of my 2 friends has disappeared.

I noticed that over the last 8 months she has cancelled our last 2 'coffee dates'. She said it was because her son was ill but I don't know if that is true. Then she kept saying 'we must meet for coffee, I'll check my shift rota.' She works in a convenience store, I'm a freelance editor so I'm more flexible.

And that was a month ago. In our friendship, I'm always the one who texts 'hi how are you?' and asks about her life. She isn't the one who makes the first move. Because she is one of those people who has loads of friends, she knows everyone locally and is very popular. I'm probably just some weirdo she felt sorry for. We actually made friends because we both have very selfish and manipulative mothers. But her mother died a few years ago and mine moved away a few years ago. So maybe we don't have that in common anymore.

The thing is, she probably has a situation happening in her life right now. But so have I. Recently after 17 years of feeling lonely, frightened, excluded, I couldn't take anymore and smashed the kitchen windows, there was glass everywhere. I've been bottling up my feelings for all those years, being the perfect wife and mum, putting everyone else first. And for what? Just to be ignored, excluded, left to struggle on alone.

But at last my husband realised there is something very wrong. He contacted the doctor and made an appointment for me. I didn't go because what's the point? They'll just say 'you can't just give up, other people rely on you.' Whoopee doo. So I'm just valuable in life in relation to other people. Obviously I'm not valuable as an individual.

I hoped my friend would break the habit of waiting for me to contact her and take the initiative. But she hasn't.

Are there any hobbies or recreational activities you enjoy?

As long as you are still stuck living in a small cliquish village, I would suggest making a point of being friendly to the occasional newcomer to the village. I would also suggest seeking online friendships with people with whom you have specific interests in common. (Here on Wrong Planet, for example, I would suggest editing your signature line to mention a bunch of specific interests of yours.)

Hopefully when you are able to move to a better place, there will be better in-person options.

Hi Kitlily, I read about your situation and I have to tell you that I cried and sometimes it's ok not to be ok because you're hurt that this person can't seem to make time for you. However, there is nothing wrong with you, rather, there's something wrong with the people who rejected you.

Still, it sounds like she probably does like you but probably has a busy schedule if she is popular and it a social butterfly while juggling with family as well. She may not even realize how she is making you feel.
Believe me, I had a flaky friend who did things with me as long as she was single but when she was in a relationship, everything and everyone else was way more important. She also made and broke several promises to me and it really bothered me.

I think it's okay to let her know how you are feeling but make sure you use "I" statements with her.

"I am really disappointed because I was looking forward to meeting you for coffee. However, I feel like you have canceled on me twice." You could also ask her "I really feel like I am the one who is always reaching out but you never seem to make any effort to reach out to me."

I've had the stare a few times, it was after I got carried away talking about something usually and started raising my voice or went into too much detail.

So you're not alone there

Thanks, that is really helpful! Maybe that's the reason I get The Stare too.

But are we to censor ourselves because of this? We should be allowed to be ourselves shouldn't we? It's not fair is it.

I've been wondering if I just hang around the wrong people. Maybe I need to find more dramatic, creative, actorish types of people. They get carried away and raise their voices a lot.

Maybe this might work for you. I hope it does! I hope you do find your niche.

It never worked for me, though. Those "actorish" sorts----never really cared for me for some reason. They can ham it up----but they don't like it when you ham it up.

You're welcome, yes that might work. Personally I tried to just stay calm when describing things that were interesting to me. But then i feel stifled. Its just what works for me at the moment.

I also noticed that I was doing that typical autistic thing of lecturing or whatever they call it. So I just learnt to say only one or two sentences about something unless someone asks for more detail. 99% of the time no-one asks for more detail

This doesn't just apply to people on the spectrum but also to anyone who appears to stand out. For example, I am a woman and I love wearing my hair short. As a result, I get called "Ugly," "Lesbian," I look like a man, etc. Why it that? People are superficial.

As for the person who is not interested in you, it's not you, it's her. In fact, she probably isn't capable of being a good friend. She may look like she is as a popular woman but she is probably not a good friends to others.

Yeah I hear 'talk about your passions!' advice quite a lot. Problem is , stifling myself makes for quite boring superficial conversations.

I would also suggest seeking online friendships with people with whom you have specific interests in common. (Here on Wrong Planet, for example, I would suggest editing your signature line to mention a bunch of specific interests of yours.)

Did you get 'the stare' after going off about some books?