Why Shouldn't I Just Kill Myself?

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goldfish21
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17 Aug 2022, 3:10 pm

Also, life is about simple pleasures to look forward to & enjoy.. everything from your next morning coffee with a family member to whatever your sport is to the next beautiful sunset and ofc also to trump going to jail for the rest of his orange guy life. 8)


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The Grand Inquisitor
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17 Aug 2022, 6:26 pm

Twilightprincess wrote:
How many friends of both genders do you have? Do you need to work on widening your circle of friends? You could meet friends of friends this way or your friends could set you up with someone.

I don’t really have any active friendships or people I hang out with. I've been trying to arrange to hang out with a friend I haven't seen in a year, but that hasn't worked out yet.

To the extent that I do have friends, they're all guys, and none of them have anyone they can set me up with. I've come to learn that people don't like being asked if they know anyone they can set me up with.



Twilightprincess
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17 Aug 2022, 10:06 pm

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
Twilightprincess wrote:
How many friends of both genders do you have? Do you need to work on widening your circle of friends? You could meet friends of friends this way or your friends could set you up with someone.

I don’t really have any active friendships or people I hang out with. I've been trying to arrange to hang out with a friend I haven't seen in a year, but that hasn't worked out yet.

To the extent that I do have friends, they're all guys, and none of them have anyone they can set me up with. I've come to learn that people don't like being asked if they know anyone they can set me up with.


I've been set up by friends before. They had us meet at a little party. It couldn't hurt to try to broaden your circle. It would give you more of an opportunity to meet new people.


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18 Aug 2022, 2:37 am

Twilightprincess wrote:
I've been set up by friends before. They had us meet at a little party. It couldn't hurt to try to broaden your circle. It would give you more of an opportunity to meet new people.

Did they set you up of their own volition, or did you ask them to do it?

I'd like to broaden my social circle, but I'm not much better at making friends than I am at dating. It's hard to find people I really click with, and even when I do, I don't really know how to navigate the situation from there if we aren't already friends.



klanka
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18 Aug 2022, 5:14 am

Due to church and volunteering with church outreach activiites like food bank, i meet loads of new people continuously.



The Grand Inquisitor
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18 Aug 2022, 6:34 am

klanka wrote:
Due to church and volunteering with church outreach activiites like food bank, i meet loads of new people continuously.

Unfortunately I'm not religious and don't have the time (or honestly the interest) to volunteer.



goldfish21
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18 Aug 2022, 4:31 pm

How do you spend/allocate your time now?


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19 Aug 2022, 12:35 pm

26 is young, particularly if you're on the spectrum. The pool of potential mates will be limited at that age, you're almost certainly only going to be able to attract somebody a fair bit younger or with no experience with relationships. That will change as you mature and your chances of finding that one person you need to find will increase. You do have to make the effort to make yourself available though, there won't come a day when the delivery van just turns up out of nowhere and drops the woman of your dreams at your front door.



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19 Aug 2022, 1:11 pm

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
Twilightprincess wrote:
I've been set up by friends before. They had us meet at a little party. It couldn't hurt to try to broaden your circle. It would give you more of an opportunity to meet new people.

Did they set you up of their own volition, or did you ask them to do it?

I didn’t ask.


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The Grand Inquisitor
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22 Aug 2022, 12:25 am

temp1234 wrote:
I think you have gotten into a very badly depressed state where feeling depressed itself makes you feel depressed and makes everything feel impossible. I have been in that state before for a different reason, where I felt depressed and negative even after the problem itself that initially caused the depression was resolved. It was like my brain was conditioned to feel depressed/negative. I think you had better get it treated first. Otherwise, even what's possible will keep feeling impossible, and that will prevent you from taking action.

I'm not sure that this resonates with me. I'm depressed for a tangible reason, and I believe if that reason was voided, I'd feel significantly less depressed, perhaps to the point that I'd no longer be depressed at all. I don't think it's so much that being depressed is making me depressed, but rather that I've been dealing with depression for a long time, and over time, I've encountered more and more reasons to feel hopeless about the situation.

temp1234 wrote:
Are you on NDIS? NDIS provides people with disability including autism with funds for goal-based support tailored to their specific problems. Are you with any state autism support organization? They have expertise in autism-related issues, including developing skills for friendship/relationship. NDIS can fund their support. While things won't change overnight, they will surely guide you in the right direction, with sessions for relationship skill development etc. I receive support from an autism association of my state, funded by NDIS.

Sorry if you are already aware of what I stated above.

Thanks for the information.

No, I'm not on NDIS. I've always figured that I'm not eligible because I'm too "high functioning", and I didn't really know what supports they could offer that would be of use to me.



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22 Aug 2022, 1:23 am

goldfish21 wrote:
Continue to work on yourself - improvement is a continuous process, not a goal. You don't get to a certain point in physical fitness, social skills, sense of style/fashion, skills competencies, sports/rec/hobby mastery etc and then just stop because you've "made it." There is no stopping. Sure, there can be ups and downs, but in general just keep doing the work to improve yourself, your appearance, your mental health and well being/mood and mindset etc.


I agree that self-improvement is a lifelong process, but when people cite self-improvement as a way to attract a partner, the implications are 1) you're not good enough as you are to attract a partner, and 2) working on reaching a certain undefined threshold of self-improvement will make you good enough to attract a partner.

On the self-improvement thing, I had a good idea the other day. I'm going to get a whiteboard to stick on my fridge and write down a list of goals, and make a conscious effort to spend time doing at least one thing towards one of those goals everyday.

goldfish21 wrote:
Also, improve that other thing. I'm glad you acknowledged it as a constraint that needs to be improved. Work on improving your chances of meeting women - even just for conversation or eventual friends - better yet for a date, but take what interactions you can get for what they're worth as they can all be of value.

I'm trying, but I don't know many places I can venture to that would put me in contact with eligible women where I'm not going with the sole purpose of meeting women (ie going to a group centred around something I have no interest in just because there are a lot of women there). I've tried going to some boardgame meetups, and while there were a few women there, I haven't met anyone who seems like a good dating prospect.

It seems like the best opportunity I have at the moment is the trivia nights I do, but there are very few women in the right age group. Somebody has caught my eye at one of the venues, but I'm not getting signals of reciprocated interest from her.


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I heard a little blurb on the radio one day from a caller that called in a talked about why it's so hard for adults to make friends vs. children.. and it seemed so simple and obvious, but also probably very true for almost everyone. He said the reason adults (everyone! NT's, too.) have great difficulty making friends is because they don't go to the same place with the same people every day like school aged children do. School aged children go to.. school, where they're around the same group of people 5 days a week for years. They get to know each other and then typically form several to many friendships during their time there. He suggested that the best thing an adult could do to expand their social circle and make more friends is to become a regular somewhere. Hangout at the same place around the same people during the same times long enough and eventually people start talking and getting to know each other and they make friends - sometimes lots of them.

I've encountered similar information before, and it's good advice. I just don't know how to apply it.

Other than my all-male day job workplace, trivia is really the only place where I see a lot of the same people every week. I wish more women my age showed up, because I have an opportunity to put a good side of myself on display, reading out questions and cracking jokes.


goldfish21 wrote:
Sure, your life and social skills and spot on the ASD spectrum are going to differ from mine, but, proof is in the pudding.. work on improving all of these things And become a regular at a place around other adults and eventually you get to talking to them and get to know 'em and they get to know you and you end up forming friendships. Gotta pick a place that's suitable to hangout and just start hanging out there. Maybe it's a beach or park, maybe it's a pub (although you're guaranteed to befriend alcoholics that way.) maybe it's a community centre/gym, could be a cafe, or a library ? a hobby shop (probably mostly male dominated, though - best to choose somewhere co-ed for your purposes.), or maybe a little tourist destination type place where you get to know all the staff at all the shops, or church if that's your thing.. anywhere where people tend to gather And they're you're kind of people with a shared interest - usually in the place and/or it's function. But pick a place and start showing up and eventually you'll get to know people and form friendships and meet women who are potential dates or partners. Can't just pop by once and expect to make instant friends or pick up a date - that's very, very, rare and can often backfire on guys as being creepy, sleazy, or off putting pick up artists.. whereas regulars at a place who get to know people are then sorta "on the roster," for a potential date kind of thing, and dating Does tend to happen within communities. It certainly does at the beach, and at pubs, and at gyms, and in churches.. so, now one of the things on your list is to find a place & people to be around regularly. And if the first place you think of clearly isn't your vibe, try another one, rinse and repeat until you find the right one for yourself. IMO better to be around healthy active vibrant people as so many behaviours are "socially contagious." If you hangout at a gym/community centre, you'll likely workout, do some classes, go for a swim and eat healthy food. If you hangout at a pub you'll probably end up drinking too much. If you hangout at a donut shop chances are you'll eat too many donuts. etc. So, choose wisely.. someplace of interest And benefit where both males and females spend their time.


You're right, finding a hangout or activity to congregate with others around is a good idea. The challenge is finding something that attracts single women in my age range that is also interesting enough that I'm getting something out of going whether or not I meet someone. It would also greatly help if it is something that is socially acceptable to show up alone to.



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22 Aug 2022, 1:45 am

goldfish21 wrote:
How do you spend/allocate your time now?

I shouldn't have said I don't have the time. What I really meant was I don't have the energy.

I work 4-5 days a week and do trivia 3 nights a week (all weekdays).

My free time is generally spent in my bed on my phone or watching tv, often under the influence of an edible. Not a good way to meet someone, I know, but you can't blame a guy in my situation for being as jaded as I am. I don't know where I'm supposed to go to meet a suitable dating partner.



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22 Aug 2022, 1:56 am

Twilightprincess wrote:
The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
Twilightprincess wrote:
I've been set up by friends before. They had us meet at a little party. It couldn't hurt to try to broaden your circle. It would give you more of an opportunity to meet new people.

Did they set you up of their own volition, or did you ask them to do it?

I didn’t ask.

That makes sense. My impression is that people do not like being asked if they can set others up. If they're not volunteering to do it, then they probably don't want to be asked.



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22 Sep 2022, 5:54 am

I'm so sick of feeling sad and lonely. It's hard for me to believe that things are ever going to improve.

I want to feel wanted, accepted and loved by a special someone, but I really don't see it happening.

I don't see how I'm going to get a girlfriend anytime soon. I'm disillusioned and jaded with dating culture, the onus on me as the man to be the more socially dominant one when I have a disability that specifically makes that difficult. The status signalling and having to compete with other guys for the attention of women like women have inherent value and men don't. The having to jump through hoops and play these social games so as not to come off as weird or forward. The lack of interest I receive from women, and the lack of support I receive from society to help me stop struggling so much with this.

Even if I got a partner, there's no guarantee we'd stay together, and my lack of experience and adversity with dating up until now has left me woefully emotionally inequipped to weather a break-up, especially if I'm going to go back to having no opportunities like I do now, and have to endure another lengthy dry-spell.

Overall I just hate how the deck is so stacked against me, and that my ability to be content with my life is contingent upon something which I have next to no control over. I hate having to reckon with my human urges because I can't placate them, the hormones surging through my body because I can't satisfy them, the yearning for acceptance from a woman that permeates through every second of my existence, and I'm expected to keep trudging through as though I should be okay whether or not I ever get a girlfriend.

I was fed this lie through media during my formative years that anyone can find someone, that all you need to do is be a decent person. That love is a universal experience, and if you don't get to experience it despite wanting to, there must be something very wrong with you. Nobody prepared me for the brutal reality.

Life is cruel. Life is unfair. Life is painful. It all feels hopeless. I don't see any woman putting her hand up to be with someone as emotionally broken as this has caused me to be. I don't see my love life progressing before my 20s are nothing more than a memory. I don't see anyone being forward enough with me to dispel the notion that nobody wants me such that I feel emboldened to make a move, and I sure as hell don't see any woman making the first move with me.

I'm sick of being tortured by my circumstances, and I'm desperate to alleviate this emotional turmoil that has plagued me for far too long.



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22 Sep 2022, 7:35 am

Hi again. I may be repeating but I believe you should consider receiving support from autism association of your state through NDIS funding. I am high-functioning, too, but still have difficulties such as inability to interact with people properly and inability to make friends. I always end up becoming an outcast wherever I go. I get support from autism association of my state. Autism Associations do provide various supports such as practical courses for learning skills to make friends and romantic partner. They support autistic people in many other ways, too. I believe you qualify as you are badly struggling with finding a romantic partner due to your autism even if you are high-functioning.



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22 Sep 2022, 6:14 pm

temp1234 wrote:
Hi again. I may be repeating but I believe you should consider receiving support from autism association of your state through NDIS funding. I am high-functioning, too, but still have difficulties such as inability to interact with people properly and inability to make friends. I always end up becoming an outcast wherever I go. I get support from autism association of my state. Autism Associations do provide various supports such as practical courses for learning skills to make friends and romantic partner. They support autistic people in many other ways, too. I believe you qualify as you are badly struggling with finding a romantic partner due to your autism even if you are high-functioning.

How do I go about getting onto NDIS? And how do I explain what I need from them?