Coping with the loss of a best friend

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KitLily
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01 Oct 2022, 11:13 am

I must say, I am getting a lot less tolerant of such 'friends'. Looking back, in my teens and twenties, certain 'friends' treated me terribly. I drift away from such people now days.

e.g. one friend who was very controlling, she always, always gave the opposite view to me and never agreed with me. She also never got in touch for months on end, unless it was because she had an idea to do something IMMEDIATELY and I was expected to drop everything and do the activity with her e.g. driving 50 miles to a wildlife park.

She wasn't my friend for long, that is not the sort of friend I want.


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Summer_Twilight
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02 Oct 2022, 10:21 am

Kit Lily,
I had another friend like that only she had more profound disabilities and and a very protective mom.

Part of the problem is that we both led very different lives. She didn’t have anything going on in her own life so she made me feel as if it was my responsibility to make happy. Basically, she wanted me to drop everything I was doing for her.

She would call me excessively every night when I was in the middle of things. I drove me up the wall. I even tried to set boundaries with her but she didn’t listen. Things also go the the point where she would not let me go enjoy my other friends. She would harass me via text and harass me. “I want you l, I need you l, I miss you.”

Then on top of that, her mother was not very nice. She was veer rude to me too.

Regardless, I ended that friendship and I have not looked back



KitLily
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03 Oct 2022, 1:16 pm

We could start a thread on bad friends!

I had a schoolfriend who used to phone me up and talk for 2 or more hours nonstop, she never seemed to take a breath, always about her own life and friends and problems. I'd get to the point of saying 'uh huh', 'mm hm' and then suddenly she'd suddenly pick up on an 'uh huh' and start arguing with me about it when I hadn't been listening.

To be fair once I pointed out to her that I'd like to talk about MY life and MY problems and MY friends sometimes and she did change her ways and ask me about myself. But I lost touch with her many years ago.


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I'm sorry if I get you mixed up with other people, I'm not good at telling people apart. Just remind me of our last conversation then I'll know who you are.


Summer_Twilight
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04 Oct 2022, 10:00 am

It's just amazing how many people are controlling if not self-centered people who are users.


The parents of my former friend, who I had a pre-occupied relationship with, were very inconsiderate of other people.

Example: My late aunt and I took her on vacation with us and when got back, they went out to dinner at the last minute, they picked her up really late. Believe me, my aunt was very upset.

Yet, her mother was always implying that I was the one who was a self-centered person by saying things like "Now this is for this person." :roll:



KitLily
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04 Oct 2022, 12:18 pm

I think a lot of it is projection. People projecting their faults onto other people, or overreacting to the slightest hint of their fault showing in the other person.

My mum always says I'm oversensitive, but actually it's her that I have to tread on eggshells with. This must apply to friends too.


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I'm sorry if I get you mixed up with other people, I'm not good at telling people apart. Just remind me of our last conversation then I'll know who you are.


Summer_Twilight
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06 Oct 2022, 11:21 am

KitLily wrote:
I think a lot of it is projection. People projecting their faults onto other people or overreacting to the slightest hint of their fault showing in the other person.

My mum always says I'm oversensitive, but actually it's her that I have to tread on eggshells with. This must apply to friends too.


It shows you how that people like that are extremely prideful to the point that they want to protect their fragile egos. My former friend's mother is no exception.

However, a few years after I cut things off with my friend, I attempted to reach out to her family when my aunt had a stroke and was in hospice. Her mom picked up and phone and was not delighted to hear from me and was extremely rude. At no time did this family every bother make much of an effort at all and I was very upset because my aunt bent over backwards for my friend. I even attempted to confront her about it, but she ignored me.

Still, those relationships are now a part of my past and I think it's time for me to let them and all the nasty things that these people did go. :D



KitLily
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06 Oct 2022, 4:18 pm

I've totally given up on finding new friends. I either end up with friends who turn nasty, or I meet nice people who aren't interested in being friends.

I'm focusing on myself now and doing things I enjoy, never mind finding friends.


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I'm sorry if I get you mixed up with other people, I'm not good at telling people apart. Just remind me of our last conversation then I'll know who you are.


Summer_Twilight
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07 Oct 2022, 10:05 am

KitLily wrote:
I've totally given up on finding new friends. I either end up with friends who turn nasty, or I meet nice people who aren't interested in being friends.

I'm focusing on myself now and doing things I enjoy, never mind finding friends.


Kitlily, I like that and I think that's important and actually, there is a technique out there called reflective therapy where you become friends with the person who you see in the mirror. There was Ted talk by a psychologist named Sharon Livingston who started using it when she got out of a very toxic relationship. She said that she began to ask herself, "What do you want to do today?" She said that "Me and me started doing all kinds of things together and it eventually caused her to love herself and attract the right kinds of friends.



KitLily
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07 Oct 2022, 10:15 am

Thanks for the encouragement, Summer Twilight. I am just tired of constantly chasing friends. I badly needed some friends and support when I was new in the village, pregnant and sick. Then when I had a new baby, then when she became very poorly. But no one stepped up.

So fvck 'em. I'm looking after Number 1 now. We are moving away in a couple of years so I'll get a change of scene. I'm sick to the back teeth of people in this village. I've tried to be friendly, helpful, sociable but they just stare like cows chewing the cud, so I can't be bothered anymore.


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I'm sorry if I get you mixed up with other people, I'm not good at telling people apart. Just remind me of our last conversation then I'll know who you are.


SummerAndSmoke
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08 Oct 2022, 11:00 am

I keep having dreams about her -- dreams about her apologizing, dreams about her screwing me over, dreams about her rejecting me and hurting me again.....

Last night I had another dream about her, and as soon as I woke up, details about her behavior on the trip that I'd forgotten suddenly started coming back to me. When we were stranded at the gas station during the car accident, I was charging my phone with my portable charger so that I would have enough power to navigate the car back home. She went into the gas station to use the bathroom, and when she came back, she yanked my phone out of my charger and plugged in HER phone so that she could watch videos on her phone. Like she didn't even ask. She just did it.

This was MY charging dock, not hers, and I needed every bit of power left in the dock so that I could drive home (especially seeing how it would be dark by the time help was scheduled to arrive). I hate sooooo much how I didn't stand up for myself. I should have reclaimed my charger and said "Excuse me! This is my charger! If you want to watch videos on her phone, you should have brought your own charger." I know regrets are useless. But I was feeling so terrible and low at that moment and I didn't want to start another fight.

I guess at the end of the day, she was the only friend I ever had and even though I don't miss her one bit, the loss of the relationship is hard. However, the whole situation is affecting me way more than it should. Good things are happening for me right now! I just performed in my first Equity gig, which led to a meeting with a talent manager, and new auditions are coming my way as well. This girl is such a selfish brat and I know I don't need her in my life. But still....



Summer_Twilight
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08 Oct 2022, 7:52 pm

SummerandSmoke,
It’s pretty common to have dreams when you fall out with someone.

She really wasn’t your friend to begin with and definitely wasn’t a friend period. Anybody who doesn’t respect your feelings and only thinks about themselves is definitely not for you.