Borderline Personality Disorder

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Fairfield
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01 Feb 2023, 10:09 pm

Does anyone here have BPD, or traits of it? How long have you known about your condition/traits, and what problems do you have due to it? Also, do you have a "favourite person"? How do you deal with having a "favourite person"?

I've been vaguely aware that I have traits of BPD since I was around 19. I pretty much forcefully ignored that fact though, due to the stigma associated with it + my refusal to accept some of my behaviours as being that problematic for me and other people.

I have pretty significant issues with emotion regulation due to my traumatic childhood, and have severe attachment + insecurity issues due to the neglect and isolation that I experienced then. I experience intense mood swings, and am constantly in intense emotional pain that causes me to resort to engaging in increasingly self destructive behaviours to "cope" (self harming, using drugs, excessive masturbation and pornography use, etc.).

I have never really had a "stable" relationship of any kind in 22 years, and I find it hard to keep my feelings about other people "stable". I am constantly ready to be rejected and thrown away by other people over minor things, so if I perceive even potential rejection I preemptively become upset and withdraw from the person to avoid having to deal with it. I can also be passive aggressive depending on if I think the other person is intentionally treating me badly. I find this behaviour really embarrassing and disgusting, and try to rationalize with myself to avoid it which can sometimes be really hard, especially with how intensely upset I get.

The past few months I started seriously rethinking the possibility of having BPD/traits of it because of my relationship with a friend from work. I think they're what's referred to as a "favourite person" to me. I became close to them and attached to them relatively quickly, because we're close in age, have similar interests, both have autism, etc. I also developed an intense crush on them because they were being increasingly affectionate to me and I'm very attention starved.

I find it very hard to regulate my interactions with them, and regulate my thoughts and feelings towards them. I constantly want to talk to them (I try to limit it though to give them space and I think I do OK at that most of the time) and think about talking to them and doing things with them. I get really upset (I try to not show it, but I can withdraw which makes it obvious anyways) if I perceive them rejecting me or something I've done.

Things were mostly fine though, until a month or two ago when they started acting odd after we hung out outside of work for the second time. I got really scared that I had done something wrong and that they had finally decided they were bored with me/didn't like me anymore, and were withdrawing from me, so I started to shift between withdrawing from them and occasionally attempting to see if I could get any positive attention from them. When my attempts failed I would get upset and withdraw more. I also started engaging in self destructive behaviours such as drinking alcohol and cutting myself more to cope with how irrationally miserable it made me feel (which I attempted to hide from my friend and family members, I did NOT use them to get attention).

After awhile I also started behaving passive aggressively because the situation didn't get better (obviously??? lmao), and it was confusing me because they would switch between giving me positive attention and then absolutely no attention, which I started thinking was intentional (they have their own personal relationship and mental health problems that I'm sure are actually why they behaved like that). This continued until they ghosted me + ignored me w/o warning/clarification when we were supposed to do something together, and I broke down and tried to minimize my contact with them for a few days + was inconsolable and continued to engage more in self destructive habits. After that I felt really guilty and like a crazy idiot (because I am one...), so I apologized for being horrible to them while they're dealing with their own problems, and promised to try to figure out how to regulate my behaviour better, which lead to me dwelling on this entire event and similar events I've had with people throughout my adolesence and adulthood.

Now I've started to acknowledge the fact that I at least have a lot of traits of BPD, and that I need to figure out how to cope w/ them before I continue to unnecessarily destroy my relationships with people that I care about and eventually end up severely harming or killing myself due to my bad coping mechanisms. I still find it hard to accept this though because of the intense stigma associated with BPD, and the fact I don't want to be treated like I am inherently manipulative + lack remorse for my misbehaviour (which isn't true and is another reason why I withdraw from people, because I don't want to react in a worse way and hurt them).



kraftiekortie
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02 Feb 2023, 5:42 am

Are you seeing a therapist at this point?

I’m thinking a neutral person like a therapist might be of help to you.



Fairfield
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02 Feb 2023, 8:47 am

I'm going to go to therapy and be honest about my issues. I'm really scared of being treated like I'm crazy, but I don't want to engage in the behaviours I have been anymore or treat people how I've been treating them. I'm worried that if a therapist does end up mentioning BPD, or after they hear about the problems I have, that they'll refuse to continue to treat me though because a lot of them believe BPD patients/patients with BPD traits are untreatable and will drop them or refuse to take them. If that happened to me I don't know how I'd react, but I'd feel really broken and rejected and probably do some stupid s**t to myself.



magz
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02 Feb 2023, 9:20 am

BPD patients are treatable.
I think Dialectical Behavior Therapy is the "golden standard" for BPD - it helps to learn how to manage emotions and, thus, better control behaviors.
Generally, in relationships with others, learning how boundaries work is crucial.
Been there, recommend.


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Fenn
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02 Feb 2023, 11:21 am

I have been told by one therapist I have some BPD traits. Others have disagreed. DBT (Dialectical behavior therapy) was developed and originally designed for patients diagnosed BPD. It accepts the idea that some people feel emotions more strongly than others. It teaches skills to help deal with distressful feelings, and other skills for interpersonal effectiveness.

I have been studying DBT independently, and just started an IOP (Intensive Out-Patient) in DBT.

I began on my own by googling DBT and searching for youtube videos.

I also bought some books and a deck of DBT skills cards from amazon.

Marsha Linehan came up with DBT for herself and her patients.

(Marsha, Marsha, Marsha)

washington.edu - University of Washington - Marsha Linehan
Wikipedia - Marsha M. Linehan
Wikipedia - Dialectical Behavior Therapy


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IsabellaLinton
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02 Feb 2023, 11:36 am

@Fenn / Magz
Do you have to be able to identify / name your feelings when dealing with them in DBT?
I'm wondering how it works with Alexithymia.

Also, are you doing regular DBT or RO DBT?

I know a young woman who was dx BPD.
From my standpoint I see her as being undx autistic, and I know she has CPTSD from childhood abuse.
I don't see any BPD in her myself, but of course I'm not a doctor and I don't know her full psych story.

I haven't wanted to mention autism to her, or sound like I'm second-guessing the doctor.
She seems to enjoy her therapy but I'm not sure if it's DBT or RO DBT.


And @Fairfield, I'm really proud of you for admitting to yourself you need help and want to change.
Whether it ends up being BPD or not it's very brave of you to talk about this, and ask for support.



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02 Feb 2023, 11:48 am

IsabellaLinton wrote:
And @Fairfield, I'm really proud of you for admitting to yourself you need help and want to change.
Whether it ends up being BPD or not it's very brave of you to talk about this, and ask for support.

This.

I don't have anything useful to add, but would like to give you a huge virtual hug. Just keep chatting to us on here if it helps. :heart:


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magz
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02 Feb 2023, 11:52 am

IsabellaLinton wrote:
@Fenn / Magz
Do you have to be able to identify / name your feelings when dealing with them in DBT?
I'm wondering how it works with Alexithymia.
It took me about three years to learn it.

IsabellaLinton wrote:
Also, are you doing regular DBT or RO DBT?
My therapist did not claim to follow any particular "genre", she used her toolbox as she saw fit.

IsabellaLinton wrote:
I know a young woman who was dx BPD.
From my standpoint I see her as being undx autistic, and I know she has CPTSD from childhood abuse.
I don't see any BPD in her myself, but of course I'm not a doctor and I don't know her full psych story.

C-PTSD from child abuse and BPD can give very similar symptoms.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complex_p ... y_disorder
I think both benefit from therapies aimed at hepling to regulate emotions and to learn boundaries.


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02 Feb 2023, 5:12 pm

My 32 year old daughter has BPD. Combined with depression an eating disorders, she has been to hell and back. Thankfully she is doing much better as a result of a new psychiatrist finally getting the medication mix for her mental illnesses correct.

I took a twelve week course last fall for folks who have persons with BPD in their lives (children, spouses, parents, siblings). I learned a lot. It was taught by two mothers of daughters with BPD, so for them the struggle was personal.

From the Mayo Clinic website:

Signs and symptoms may include:

An intense fear of abandonment, even going to extreme measures to avoid real or imagined separation or rejection [we learned in class that this the root of problem caused by BPD, a universal symptom]

A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn't care enough or is cruel

Rapid changes in self-identity and self-image that include shifting goals and values, and seeing yourself as bad or as if you don't exist at all

Periods of stress-related paranoia and loss of contact with reality, lasting from a few minutes to a few hours

Impulsive and risky behavior, such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship

Suicidal threats or behavior or self-injury, often in response to fear of separation or rejection

Wide mood swings lasting from a few hours to a few days, which can include intense happiness, irritability, shame or anxiety

Ongoing feelings of emptiness

Inappropriate, intense anger, such as frequently losing your temper, being sarcastic or bitter, or having physical fights



Fairfield
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02 Feb 2023, 7:35 pm

I've been looking into DBT and trying to see what it involves, and if there's any aspects of it that I can learn and use outside of professional therapy. I think BPD or not that it seems really useful, especially regarding the severe emotional issues and the impulsivity that I deal with.

I have severe insecurity and abandonment issues due to neglect and abuse that I experienced from early childhood up until the past year. I was abandoned by my primary caregiver when I was 3, and my parents never really bonded with me and had very unstable feelings towards me, especially my mother. I was also forcefully isolated, so besides for going to school I wasn't given opportunities to be able to seek out + observe healthy relationships with other people. I'm now very lonely, insecure and absolutely terrified of being abandoned by people, and have ruined relationships in the past due to my behaviours from that fear.

I also unfortunately deal with unstable feelings towards others, or "splitting", especially with "favourite people" that I have since my emotional state can be heavily tied to my ability to get attention from them and how much I can interact with them. I now make attempts to hide how intense my feelings are and to mask the constant fluctuations since I am aware it's confusing and really f****d up, but I used to be not good at that at all. It's also really stressful and confusing for me, since I'm aware that's not normal and I desperately wish that I could just be sure about my feelings towards people.

I also deal with having an unstable identity, though I'm actually not exactly sure why I developed an issue with that. But I constantly change/switch between large parts of my personality, behaviour, interests, goals, feelings about myself, etc., especially depending on what seems to please my FP if I have one. It's very demotivating and some aspects of it can make me feel like I'm manipulating people into enjoying interacting with me by changing those things, even though I don't have any evil intent by doing so and do want to please them.

I have experienced stress related paranoia before, but I don't really know if that's from possible BPD/BPD traits or some other mental health issue. That's also I think relatively rare for me.

I also engage in a lot of impulsive and/or risky behaviour which is one of the things that's been increasingly concerning lately. I have had issues with disordered eating and self harm for years, and have increasing problems with drug and alcohol use, and pornography use. I also do sabotage "good" things that I have going for me, and honestly I do that to relationships to a degree because I feel like I don't deserve to have them if even my own parents never loved me + I have these horrible behaviours that have the potential to cause me to hurt people.

I try to not use being suicidal or engaging in self harm to get attention or prevent abandonment, but I'll admit that in my relationship with my last FP a few years ago I resorted to actively doing just that, especially threatening it. I do still get the impulse to use those things to get attention when I'm feeling really lonely or insecure, but now that I recognize that it's f****d up and manipulative I try my best to suppress the urge to do that. I think sometimes I do still vent about having issues with those things (I don't threaten it to anyone though) to people to possibly earn attention, even if I genuinely need to vent about it.

I deal with mood swings and my mood can drastically and intensely change, sometimes for no reason. I also often feel intense depression and feel miserable for no apparent reason, which is so bad that I spend most of my free time drunk/high to cope with it, and constantly think about suicide. I also have always had significant anger issues, and even though I make an effort to hide and internalize it I still become irrationally upset by very minor things that people do/say, and those things can ruin my entire day because my reaction is so intense to it.