Rants

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I want to cut really bad right now because of the nightmare I had. It's making me dissociate really bad. My cat is also being really needy which is kind of pissing me off because I want absolutely nothing to touch me right now. I feel like crying. Wtf

I just looked at how much of this bottle of vodka that I've drank in one day and... Yikes. Not to mention that I've been drinking it in secret and hiding it, which is sh***y. I guess I really am my father's child. lmaoo

that reminds me of my late father who, hungover in the morning, would disgustedly eye his remaining bottle of unconsumed vodka, and glug-glug-glug pour it down the sink.

Corporate is making my manager pressure me to get to 90% of the quota. I can only get to 70-80%, I don't know why. The two people I'm training right now are already faster than me and it made me want to cry earlier. I might legit get fired eventually.

I also got really mad because someone in my department up the line keeps bringing the trainees mistakes to me like I'm not teaching them right. I keep f*****g fixing every mistake they make so anything that gets past me isn't my fault. It's tanking my percentage down to 50-60% because I have to fix so much BS. One of them doesn't speak English and both of them won't listen to me at all when I correct them. Unbuttoned shirts, hangers jammed in the conveyor (which keep legit jamming the machine and is pissing me and the maintenance guys off), red washers not on things with obvious holes or stains, etc. I can't fix everything they lazily f**k up by myself or correct them by myself, but everyone expects me to.

I'm supposed to sleep in this Sunday. It's the ONLY day I'm allowed to sleep in.

But no! I can't.

It's like tonsilitis except it's above my throat, higher than the uvula and it's messing my ears. Also breathing hurts like how tonsilitis hurts when swallowing. Too bad lozenges doesn't go upwards.

... To think, after years reading about post nasal drip -- there's something crucial I couldn't relate to; feeling something in my throat.
That doesn't happen unless I'm able to inhale or swallow forcefully.

I cannot wait to 'catch' this nuisance in this damn nose.
I want a check up today -- as long as there's this stupid infection, feeling swollen beyond the nostrils, maybe... Just maybe I'd get a damn evidence.

I just want to know what the ffck is this reccuring shht I've been suffering several times a year for basically my whole life.

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The whole internet thinks I'm disrespectful. Well, except Facebook. But anywhere where I'm anonymous, I'm disrespectful. I hate it. Gives me more reason to beat myself up and hate myself. What my opinions are Vs what I do are two different things. But people online are quick to judge and just throw rude remarks at me like they hate me, all because of one comment I wrote ages ago. All I wrote was a comment on YouTube, back in 2020, about the government instilling fear into everyone with covid, and I get some dickhead commenting on it TODAY saying I'm probably "one of those people who don't wear a mask" because I'm "disrespectful to other people". What? Why are you saying this now?
And I DID wear a mask all the time during the pandemic.

I don't know why they don't just put a picture of me under the word "disrespectful" in the dictionary and be done with it.

Now my self-loathing depression has come back, and no, I'm not manipulating, it's how I'm genuinely feeling.

^
Sounds like you were mistaken for a conspiracy-like freedom advocate accuser who won't wear mask and refuse vaccines, or one of those people with certain set of beliefs like the members of the 'woowoo' cult for saying that particular comment.

Either you're at the wrong side of the net, interacting with the wrong cyberculture...
Or you're in a not-safe space where people would hunt such commentators.

Studying cyberculture is simpler than studying in real life cultures.
Doing the latter is supposedly easier for autistics for the same reason why one would prefer text based interactions over face to face interactions.

To blend in, you can join the same riot with same tones without getting suspicious, as if it's the same with reading the room and vibe into that.



Now, about me and my rant --
Let's see...

4 sources of headaches, 5 sources of chronic rhinitis, at least 2 sources of cold intolerance, 3 sources of recurring horse charley, possibly 3 sources of gravity intolerance, about 8 sources of chronic sleep issues, 4 sources of 'sensitivies', at least 5 dental issues...

Overlapping, barely distinguishing one another, thinking it's just a headache, it's just sneezing and my mom's aunts have it, it's just my body being skinny not liking cold, it's just cramps at night and my mom gets it too, it's just my head overthinking or just me hating sleep, it's just me being a female or my dad's side of the family or just autism being sensitive to crap, it's just me having to put up with this aching crap because I cannot literally afford to get rid of it yet.

In which most of my childhood thought it's normal. But that's because I don't have space to observe, I don't have enough autonomy.
It's even worse in adulthood, thinking it's just aging. It's not. I've been dealing with this long before I've been an adult.

I really, really need a checkup.
But Sunday is the only day off I have.

And in Sundays, there are no clinics.
Hospitals are packed and may forced me and my mom to quarantine for 2 weeks.


Now I have this dilemma -- calling sick (which I don't do even if my boss knows that I'm legitimately sick to a point she would have to order me to).
But it would swamp her and conflict to her schedules.
I don't actually like that.

Or, go to work and keep things on track. I have no problem working sick. As I said earlier in this post, because I thought it's "normal".
But, will be very overwhelmed by worrywarts and possibly just be a liability due to constant disruptive symptoms.
It'll scare people thinking I'm contagious.


Usually people would all say to call in sick.
But still... I don't know, I just wouldn't accept it easily.

I know rationally I need it, and I want that space and time for me to be available to go out there and have a check up.
But why is this irrational part of me keep refusing it??

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I don't know whether I'm suicidal or f*****g homicidal. It's the worst thing to come to terms with when you learn that your primary caregiver as a child was a f*****g pedo. My head is in f*****g bits and pieces. Everything I thought I knew has just been literally blown into smithereens.

I've bought a punchbag. I'm so f*****g angry and I have nowhere to put it. I feel like pouring boiling water down my throat. As if that's gonna change things but I just need to feel some kind of intense something or other.

Hope you're all well. Thanks for being there.

Thank you and sorry you went through that.

It's the worst feeling I've ever felt in my life.

I think I always knew it to be honest but with it being a female I just was in denial about it. Everything in my life has been turned upside down now. She's a f*****g monster.

I can't wait for my punchbag to come. I don't know how I'm f*****g containing myself.

That rage is understandable.
My favorite Aunt married a pedo after her first husband died.A groper.
It forever ruined any family gatherings they were at and probably why I hate holidays now.

There’s a couple of pedophiles in my family. One of them got a life sentence. The other never served any time at all.

They are both disgusting as*holes. I hate them.

I've always had vague memories of the early abuse, but I was in denial for years because it's really hard to think that close family members would dare put you through that, even if they're all pieces of s**t and that behaviour is honestly predictable.

I also haven't told anyone in my extended family because no one would care or believe it. No one understands why I hate being around a specific family member + always try to make me interact with him and it makes me so f*****g angry.