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TwilightPrincess
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25 Nov 2023, 9:17 am

Trigger warning - mention of SA and psychological torture. Please don't feel obligated to read or respond. I'd be okay if this particular comment was buried without a response. I'm just trying to articulate my thoughts about something I've not talked about much before.

Sleep deprivation as a means of torture was briefly alluded to in a quote in another thread ( :cry: ), and it got me thinking about it. I feel for everyone who's experienced stuff like this. This post is about my experience with it.
Quote:
Torture methods vary. They can be of a physical nature, like beatings and electric shocks. It can be of a sexual nature, like rape or sexual humiliation. Or they can be of a psychological nature, like sleep deprivation or prolonged solitary confinement.

https://www.amnesty.org/en/what-we-do/torture/

The use of sleep deprivation was one of the ways my ex forced me to have sex with him. The worst of it happened over the span of just a couple weeks, but it changed me more than anything else. I was already sleep deprived because my son was a newborn, and I was struggling with insomnia on top of that. My ex knew how exhausted I was. That's probably why he chose this specific tactic... He said that I wasn't going to get any sleep until I gave him what he wanted. He altered his own sleep schedule, so he would be up all night. Apart from blaring loud music, pounding walls and slamming doors, he terrorized me in other ways. Once during that interval, he threatened me with a knife.

He was on drugs which made him even more psycho. I especially hated having sex with him when he was like that because he was violent. Towards the end of the sleep deprivation time, I felt like I was completely losing my sanity. It was the most terrifying aspect of the whole thing. Eventually, I stopped fighting. He forced me to have sex through other means, like death threats and physical force, but for the most part, I was pretty compliant after that because I didn't want to experience it again. There's so much I didn't know or realize at the time, like what was or wasn't consent. I didn't know that sleep deprivation was a form of torture until a person on WP told me it was.

"Many patients have told me that the fastest way to make someone crazy is to deprive him of sleep”

-Dr. Andrea Northwood, former CVT director of client services
https://www.cvt.org/resources/hidden-harm/

Anyway, I was just thinking how consistent my ex's behavior was. Torture and rape go hand in hand. They are both ways of controlling someone and breaking their spirit in order to get something in exchange. That should be fairly obvious, but I usually thought about this situation in terms of how it affected me rather than on what it said about my ex specifically. He also threatened to torture my dog until it died, so torture again. There's something else that's horrifying, but I shouldn't mention it on WP. It all fits, though. 8O Is it any wonder that I didn't want to have sex with that piece of s**t?

I've not shared this with people offline except to one therapist.

The reality is that it's impossible to fully recover from this s**t. A major trigger for me is insomnia. Unfortunately, insomnia is something I really struggle with.

My goal is to continue finding ways to make life bearable and to enjoy basic things like books and music until it's my time for perpetual sleep. That doesn't sound so bad.

To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream...


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Jakki
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25 Nov 2023, 12:18 pm

babybird wrote:
It's making me feel sad that the one person who I banked on not having a hand in my traumatic childhood was most likely the person to have caused the most pain.

It's really sad.


Want to upvote this post , because could really identify with this kind of thing .


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TwilightPrincess
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25 Nov 2023, 5:00 pm

SA and religious trauma. Might be triggering for religious folks.

I used to pray sometimes during unpleasant moments. I thought about putting it in my thoughts during sex thread in the adult forum, but I decided it might be better here.

Here's an example of such a heartfelt prayer: "Jehovah God, please help me to get through this. I'm sorry for having such a rebellious spirit. Please help me to be a more submissive wife, to fulfill my duties, and to have a more submissive heart...." Sometimes the prayer lasted for several minutes, but I thought that a brief sample would contain a sufficient amount of cringe to give you a basic idea.

Here's an example of a current heartfelt prayer: "Jehovah God, f**k you. I don't believe in you, but f**k you anyway. In Jesus name, Amen."

Personally speaking, I've found the second prayer to be more beneficial, so I think I'll stick with that one.


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TwilightPrincess
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29 Nov 2023, 11:26 am

December is the most challenging month as far as my PTSD/CPTSD goes. It's the month where it all started 15 years ago. I usually don't think about it ahead of time. I just feel miserable and wonder why until I figure it out. Strange. This year is different, perhaps because I've been practicing less avoidance than I did in the past.


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TwilightPrincess
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30 Nov 2023, 10:51 am

I had an olfactory flashback last night. I could smell the person who assaulted me in college almost 15 years ago. That’s never happened to me before, at least not since around the time that it happened. It’s thrown me for a bit of a loop.


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Jakki
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30 Nov 2023, 2:55 pm

TwilightPrincess wrote:
I had an olfactory flashback last night. I could smell the person who assaulted me in college almost 15 years ago. That’s never happened to me before, at least not since around the time that it happened. It’s thrown me for a bit of a loop.


Am very sorry, that has happened to you,, recently :heart: .But have also had flashbavks of the smell of my Late Fathers pipe smoke but from a distance ..(And differently,those were comforting feelings to me.)And maybe..? the human body processes , what it can, when you,( or it conciously or subconciously) can handle it better ..? Different parts of the brain might be slower processing, depending on ones individual neuro-wiring???? :| 8O


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TwilightPrincess
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01 Dec 2023, 5:45 pm

^ Thanks! I've definitely been working through a lot lately.


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TwilightPrincess
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06 Dec 2023, 12:46 am

Mild SA Trigger Warning. Just thinking out loud.

It wasn’t about sex. I don’t like admitting this, but the guy in college was way more attractive than I was. He looked like one of those Abercrombie and Fitch models - tall, blonde, athletic, and popular. His family was wealthy too. They had no trouble paying for his useless degree and his expensive car.

The point is that he would not have had trouble finding a consensual partner if he wanted one. I don’t think that’s what he wanted. f*****g bastard.

My husband didn’t want a consensual partner, either. With his looks and charm which he could turn on and off like a switch, he could’ve found someone who was willing.

These were not desperate, horny guys or whatever the stereotype is. They were monsters.

The 15 year anniversary is in 2 days now.


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IsabellaLinton
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06 Dec 2023, 12:49 am

You're right they were monsters.
I wish I could have a moment with either one of them.
They'd be sorry very quickly.


Sorry for going all Rambo in your thread but WTF.
They were predatory monsters.

I hope you'll get through the day alright.
Maybe writing will help.



Jakki
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06 Dec 2023, 12:25 pm

Hope you have,/ are making it through this anniversary :( ...hopefully things are processing out of your head someday..but I seriously doubt it . Some stuff is just sticky in the brain ..hope you make the best you can out of the day :heart:


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06 Dec 2023, 12:28 pm

Image


Thinking of you, Twilight. :heart:



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07 Dec 2023, 8:36 am

I, for one, just want to end the stupid fricking stories. Unnecessary shite to go through.


I don't think I have something to learn from that other than it stolen my time, my choices and my chances.

'It' is the reason why I do not 'forgive'.
'It' is the reason why I do not feel 'grateful'.
'It' is the reason why I cannot 'accept' mistakes.


So it's a POV of some stupid brat -- so what?
Am I some damnable messiah who's gonna save some stupid soul out of 'empathy' or some crap as soon as I get rid of this unasked for hung up?? :roll:


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Jakki
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07 Dec 2023, 8:50 am

Edna3362 wrote:
I, for one, just want to end the stupid fricking stories. Unnecessary shite to go through.


I don't think I have something to learn from that other than it stolen my time, my choices and my chances.

'It' is the reason why I do not 'forgive'.
'It' is the reason why I do not feel 'grateful'.
'It' is the reason why I cannot 'accept' mistakes.


So it's a POV of some stupid brat -- so what?
Am I some damnable messiah who's gonna save some stupid soul out of 'empathy' or some crap as soon as I get rid of this unasked for hung up?? :roll:


Can completely understand this post ,,,! !


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TwilightPrincess
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08 Dec 2023, 7:37 pm

15 years today. f*****g bastard.


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08 Dec 2023, 7:57 pm

TwilightPrincess wrote:
15 years today. f*****g bastard.



:heart:

{{{Hugs}}}

Take it one year, month, week, day, even second at a time.
You've come farther than you'll ever know.



Jakki
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08 Dec 2023, 10:14 pm

((( TwilightPrincess )))


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