Why do I worry about having kids when I'm not a woman?

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chris1989
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17 Jun 2024, 2:48 pm

The thing is when I hear stories from women of a certain age, having children and some of the difficulties they face, for some reason it makes me worry even though I can't physically give birth to a child as I am a man. A part of me still feels like I'm still not ''ready'' mentally or even want my own children when it feels as though a man of my age should be ''ready'' by that time and yet I'm not even in a relationship in order to make those decisions.

The only reason I get these inner voices telling me these things is because I'm seeing a few out of hundreds of my peers who are or have settled down and started being parents and so I feel as though I ''should'' in order to fit in with the crowd despite the fact a part of me doesn't want to. Another worry I have is of having regrets for not doing because I might change my mind and it'll be too late to really consider it if by that time I am in a relationship and married.



ocean
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17 Jun 2024, 2:59 pm

chris1989 wrote:
a man of my age


may i ask how old you are?


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chris1989
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17 Jun 2024, 4:39 pm

ocean wrote:
chris1989 wrote:
a man of my age


may i ask how old you are?


Over 30 (sorry I just don't feel comfortable to give my exact age)



IsabellaLinton
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17 Jun 2024, 5:04 pm

It seems like you aren't worried about having kids as much as you're worried about fitting in with people of your own age. One way to test this is to ask yourself, what if all-of-a-sudden all people in their 20s-40s decided not to have kids because it wasn't cool to have kids? Would you still want kids in that case, if it was going to make you stand out in the opposite way, or would you think "Whew! Dodged a bullet!" and continue on happily without them?


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chris1989
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17 Jun 2024, 6:04 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
It seems like you aren't worried about having kids as much as you're worried about fitting in with people of your own age. One way to test this is to ask yourself, what if all-of-a-sudden all people in their 20s-40s decided not to have kids because it wasn't cool to have kids? Would you still want kids in that case, if it was going to make you stand out in the opposite way, or would you think "Whew! Dodged a bullet!" and continue on happily without them?


Probably not because I would know that those people around me are not having kids either like me.

But I've only seen a few that have and I don't know out of hundreds of people I went to school, college or uni who have got kids and married or who haven't. I don't know if that's my problem, I'm always fighting against the fact that I don't know and can not know what other people are doing in their lives.



IsabellaLinton
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17 Jun 2024, 6:12 pm

If I found out my parents had me just so they'd seem cool, so they'd fit in with their former friends and impress strangers, but they didn't really want me deep down, I'd feel pretty lousy about myself.

I can't imagine that any of their former friends or random strangers even knew I existed or praised my parents for my existence, so it's not like I would have repaired their social status.

I understand wanting to fit in. That's a big deal and very emotional for most of us. Is there any way you can "fit in" or copy your peers in other ways which you actually like or want?


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Sweetleaf
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25 Jun 2024, 11:29 pm

chris1989 wrote:
The thing is when I hear stories from women of a certain age, having children and some of the difficulties they face, for some reason it makes me worry even though I can't physically give birth to a child as I am a man. A part of me still feels like I'm still not ''ready'' mentally or even want my own children when it feels as though a man of my age should be ''ready'' by that time and yet I'm not even in a relationship in order to make those decisions.

The only reason I get these inner voices telling me these things is because I'm seeing a few out of hundreds of my peers who are or have settled down and started being parents and so I feel as though I ''should'' in order to fit in with the crowd despite the fact a part of me doesn't want to. Another worry I have is of having regrets for not doing because I might change my mind and it'll be too late to really consider it if by that time I am in a relationship and married.


Would you even want to take care of a child? Like some people just aren't interested in that, and that is ok to. A person of your age does not need to have children per say, unless you really want to. It doesn't matter if other people do it at your age...it's also ok to never do it. I certainly don't plan to.

And so yeah I don't think you should try to have a baby unless you really want to have a baby and help raise them, if its only because you think you should it may not be the best choice. As it would be hard to be a good parent if you don't even want to be one.


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chris1989
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26 Jun 2024, 8:18 am

Sweetleaf wrote:
chris1989 wrote:
The thing is when I hear stories from women of a certain age, having children and some of the difficulties they face, for some reason it makes me worry even though I can't physically give birth to a child as I am a man. A part of me still feels like I'm still not ''ready'' mentally or even want my own children when it feels as though a man of my age should be ''ready'' by that time and yet I'm not even in a relationship in order to make those decisions.

The only reason I get these inner voices telling me these things is because I'm seeing a few out of hundreds of my peers who are or have settled down and started being parents and so I feel as though I ''should'' in order to fit in with the crowd despite the fact a part of me doesn't want to. Another worry I have is of having regrets for not doing because I might change my mind and it'll be too late to really consider it if by that time I am in a relationship and married.


Would you even want to take care of a child? Like some people just aren't interested in that, and that is ok to. A person of your age does not need to have children per say, unless you really want to. It doesn't matter if other people do it at your age...it's also ok to never do it. I certainly don't plan to.

And so yeah I don't think you should try to have a baby unless you really want to have a baby and help raise them, if its only because you think you should it may not be the best choice. As it would be hard to be a good parent if you don't even want to be one.


I seem to think though people are becoming parents not really because they want to, but because they get pregnant and have the babies anyway and because of someone seeing someone else having children at the same age and time, they feel they "have" to because a friend or a family member is despite maybe not really wanting to. And so because I seem to see a lot of it on social media even though I'm only seeing a few people, it makes me feel like "have" to in order to fit in with everyone else despite not being in a relationship and my inner voice is still telling me I'm not ready for it right now.