I am severely autistic and I know it :( plz help

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xzpkr_apoxia
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09 Sep 2024, 7:51 pm

I got diagnosed at age 4. My psychologist tells me that I am "high-functioning autistic" but I don't believe him. How come I get harassed literally everywhere I go and infantilised and ridiculed and talked down to, I get unsolicited comments about how young my face looks, how my thinking has no logic whatsoever, how histrionic and over-the-top and dramatic I am, no wonder I only leave the house when it's absolutely necessary (buying groceries because doing it online means I have to pay extra money for delivery, or satisfying my cravings for cigarettes weed and sugar-free soft drinks / energy drinks quicker than the internet could) if I'm out for even more than 1-2 hours at a time I feel so drained by so much sensory stimulation as soon as I get home I just lie in bed doing nothing I may fall asleep.

Reasons why I am severely autistic:

  • Very poor emotional regulation, I act like a child. I cry and I scream and I throw things and I do things I regret later whenever things don't go my way, even for the stupidest smallest most trivial reasons.
    Intense hyperfixation on certain topics and not others, mostly drugs and personality types. I feel reluctant to tell people in real life, strangers in particular about this, because I fear being judged ("He's so stupid he think drugs are the answer and will cure all of his problems" meanwhile whoever said that is probably slowly rotting away on a diet of wine and vapes and antidepressants or "He thinks psuedoscientific personality systems are literal fact he can't think critically" etc).
    Very very very very bad social skills, strongly prefer the company of adults over people my own age even then I don't have any genuine relationships with anyone at all it is entirely purely motivated for compliments validation ego-boosting.
    Strongly prefer non-fiction over fiction. Extremely bad at thinking laterally or using metaphors.
    When I moved out of the foster home my social worker forced me to live in supported living most of the staff also gaslight me because of how f*****g hysterical and impulsive and naive I am everyone takes advantage of me and I f*****g know it I'm so f*****g severely autistic that I can't be trusted to live entirely independently.
    Complete inability to "mask", I just do and say things with no filter, for example I talk to myself in public only to hear strangers make remarks about the things I say which makes me feel uncomfortable. I am a slave to the consequences of my own actions and I am constantly shooting myself in the foot even though I try my hardest to do the opposite.
    Constant flashbacks of being called derogatory terms like "spastic" "r*tard" "crackhead/smackhead" "autistic child" and people making comments about me behind my back like "He may be 18 but he's got the mind of a child" or "I'm autistic as well but I don't go on like a child".

What evidence, with logical explanations, is there to suggest that I am high-functioning and not as mentally disabled as I hope I am not?

I know that, or I would like to believe anyway, I am in fact an articulate curious introspective interesting person that is independent and overly suspicious of everyone else and highly autodidactic (I hope that is the case, I am extremely insecure about my intelligence. By making that statement I hope it reflects reality and I am not being delusional) yet I can't cook I can't clean I can't do laundry I can never be assed to tidy my house up I find it hard to eat a healthy balanced diet I can't find a job no matter how hard I try no social skills whatsoever so poor that I have to spend ages making careful meticulous mathematical calculations before spending even the smallest amount of money.

As a summary, I hate how stupid and cringey and severely autistic I am. I just want help from genuinely friendly non-judgmental people, which are increasingly rare in this day and age, at the same time I feel ashamed of needing so much love and validation from others because it is the least likely thing my ideal self would do.


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Edna3362
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10 Sep 2024, 12:07 am

You essentially described me, minus being treated badly, the crappy environment, getting a diagnosis earlier (because financial issues), the crappy social bit (I don't mask, I get mistaken for a kid -- but far from unsafe and exploited), and the lack of hyperindependence.


I have the same emotional dysregulation and egocentry within the same age range that only recently mellowed down by overcoming deeper psych issues -- and I don't know if you're the same, too.
Are you also diagnosed with other mental conditions other than CPTSD? Itself impedes functioning. Did you ever get support for it?

The remarks over your special interests has nothing to do with you or how well you function.
One can be an independent genius and yet still obsessed over utterly random things like plastic chairs and door knobs.

The basis of preferring nonfiction over fiction has nothing to do with function levels. Heck, language itself isn't.
So what if you're more literal -- it mean you're focusing at the wrong things. Who the heck told you these things?
Your language skills is probably better than mine.

As for the socialization, you're not exactly alone amongst autistics. You got the similar patterns and within the common experience -- difference is that; you're in the foster system and everyone knows your diagnosis.
Clearly, nobody there respects you enough to talk crap about you in front of you.


Did anyone actually tried to teach you? Whether it's your self help skills or how to socialize?
Actually tried to understand you than just dismiss you for your diagnosis?


I'm not going to judge 'how well you function', I'd rather judge 'how much support you're ought to receive'.

And you're 18. Still have a room to grow. Yet to spend more time.


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10 Sep 2024, 12:41 am

I don't know if this helps but your writing, at least, is extremely lucid and comes across as highly intelligent.

Can you find a therapist who can maybe help you manage your impulsive behaviors so that you will attract less unwanted attention? Just a thought.



xzpkr_apoxia
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10 Sep 2024, 1:20 am

Edna3362 wrote:
You essentially described me, minus being treated badly, the crappy environment, getting a diagnosis earlier (because financial issues), the crappy social bit (I don't mask, I get mistaken for a kid -- but far from unsafe and exploited), and the lack of hyperindependence.


I have the same emotional dysregulation and egocentry within the same age range that only recently mellowed down by overcoming deeper psych issues -- and I don't know if you're the same, too.
Are you also diagnosed with other mental conditions other than CPTSD? Itself impedes functioning. Did you ever get support for it?

The remarks over your special interests has nothing to do with you or how well you function.
One can be an independent genius and yet still obsessed over utterly random things like plastic chairs and door knobs.

The basis of preferring nonfiction over fiction has nothing to do with function levels. Heck, language itself isn't.
So what if you're more literal -- it mean you're focusing at the wrong things. Who the heck told you these things?
Your language skills is probably better than mine.

As for the socialization, you're not exactly alone amongst autistics. You got the similar patterns and within the common experience -- difference is that; you're in the foster system and everyone knows your diagnosis.
Clearly, nobody there respects you enough to talk crap about you in front of you.


Did anyone actually tried to teach you? Whether it's your self help skills or how to socialize?
Actually tried to understand you than just dismiss you for your diagnosis?


I'm not going to judge 'how well you function', I'd rather judge 'how much support you're ought to receive'.

And you're 18. Still have a room to grow. Yet to spend more time.


Yes I was diagnosed with CPTSD I think when I was 14 but even prior to that at age 9 I started showing symptoms of emotional dysregulation (e.g. singing dramatically whenever distressed) and disordered eating (e.g. weighing myself and trying to diet) that's when everyone started hating me age 11 was when the gender dysphoria began all of a sudden. Age 8 and younger, according to my mother's reports, I was an extremely quiet docile obedient extremely feminine girly girl that had no social skills whatsoever and spent the vast majority of her time reading non-fiction textbooks about history and and science and outer space and was highly prone to zoning out.
People constantly tell me that I should seek therapy but it never works. They tell me "yOu NeEd To TruSt ThE tHeRaPiStS tHeIr jOb Is To HeLp YoU!11!! !!" but I can't trust them, maybe I'm delusional but I think I'm way better at judging people's true nature/personality (behind the facade they put on) than most people (probably due to the trauma) just by their tone of voice the way they word things the way they aesthetically present themselves just entire vibes basically, my female eating disorder therapist seems so sketchy because if I use vocabulary she deems "inappropriate" (such as any swear word, or even words that aren't offensive in the slightest like geordie vocab like 'canny') she imitates me, she has crappy ugly choice of words (e.g. referring to eating food as "fuelling your body" instead of saying something that just seems better such as "ingesting a sufficient quantity of nutrients to be healthy") and offers the worst coping strategies ever (this dumb, probably PLAYING DUMB if anything, sorta mentality that if you can't stop worrying that everyone else is psychotic except you therefore everyone thinks of you as obese even though if you weigh yourself the scales say 103 lbs same with the pitch of your voice you want to have a masculine enough voice yet so many people fake a high-pitched voice whenever imitating you and that REALLY PISSES YOU OFF, or if you can't stop daydreaming about Snufkin and how much you relate to him or at least really really really want to be him, or if you are so ashamed of how you can't find employment at all and how the only illegal drug you've done is weed all the other are OTC legal highs you want to stop the weed-smoking for some time (like a vague plan to wait until Christmas day 2024 to blaze for the first time in ages make this one a fatty you're so skint you can't afford christmas presents at all (other than hoarding universal credit funds for a joint that has like 300mg THC in it or smth) for both yourself and others can't give your santa list to other people either because there is a high chance they will give you crappy ugly products like Poundland girly shampoo with flowers on or vegan cheese and onion crisps when you are a vegetarian and also cheese and onion is your least favourite crisp flavour), because of an extremely high tolerance but can't because no willpower and other drugs are very very very hard to access and also drugs of any kind cost money so does everything these thoughts are REALLY bothering you yet according to this woman no matter how distressing your thoughts are if you engage in a pastime like reading a book or playing video games or going for a walk or smth all of your psychological problems such as overthinking and a compulsion to count calories and go on diets are instantly going to melt away forever and ever as if by magic in reality it is nowhere near as simple as that I can play N64 or read nietzsche all I want and the "what enneagram am I?" or "does god exist? are my dreams warning me of a hellisher-than-hell afterlife if I do anything fun like smoking cigarettes drinking red bull, or literally even just being myself like being transgender and being autistic, actual spiritual divine premonitions or just my subconscious how can I know rationally if Freud's theories are actually valid and believable enough??" sorta thoughts do not change at all) I just get really bad vibes from her I get bad vibes from quite a lot of people.
The EDT gave me sertraline for the anxiety symptoms even when I was on it I still got really bad self-esteem issues I quit it cold turkey not to rebel against big pharma or anything but so I could partake in much funner drugs than f*****g ZOLOFT without dying (like DXM, both of these drugs are serotonergic so it is extremely dangerous to take both simultaneously) MDMA also works on serotonin receptors as far as I'm aware and is therefore dangerous to combine with SSRI's but I can never get hold of it cuz I'm too autistic and sheltered even if I did I would refuse to take it without testing it because I'm a coward (so cowardly I refused to use the P-word synonym, or maybe it's because I'm British) and these psychedelic therapies like MDMA therapy ketamine therapy you have to pay like £300 just for the initial consultation manouvre all yourself to London or Edinburgh or somewhere (I live in NE england) and only way to do it in the first place is dodgy potentially scammy websites even medical cannabis I can't afford. As much as I don't want to believe this harsh reality, according to what everyone tells me there is very very very very marginal (if not utterly non-existent) chance I will get prescribed benzo's, probably due to my long history of self-medicating with whatever chems I could get hold of and it's all my fault. First day or two on 25mg of sertraline I had this foggy drowsy spacey feeling which I miss but it died off quickly even after increasing the dose. I get asked "why are you so fascinated by drugs in the first place?" I'm like IDK many people assume it's merely to escape reality due to how stressful and sh***y and awful it is I guess that kinda makes sense as it was age 11 that I started developing a fascination with drugs but even then I'm enthralled by the unknown not just "drugs" (psychonautics, psychedelia) but also psychology/philosophy I try my hardest to understand the true nature of both myself and others and not just people but reality as a whole but I get nowhere I'm enthralled by the unknown it goes back to the desire to try like every psychedelic ever except I can't because way too socially inept I can't even find research chemical sites even if I did I wouldn't risk it it could be just scammers for all I know. I remember my 5'2'' obese BMI mother telling me loads of times "drugs are bad" and claiming to have done acid and speed when she was my age meanwhile slowly rotting away on a diet of vaping and wine and venlafaxine and cup a soups and also lying in bed all day long doing literally nothing. Try to coerce me all you like into daydreaming / creative writing / worldbuilding instead, somehow doing a psychology degree instead, playing video games instead, somehow making friends with like-minded people instead, somehow join the military instead, somehow convert to some kind of organised religion instead (I want to believe in god because of the possibility of an afterlife but I lack enough faith), etc etc etc instead of getting high or wanting to get high all the time but it doesn't work, yes I enjoy things like riding bicycles and reading books and hiking in the countryside but I also love my pharmaceuticals very very very much Ok too much unnecessary rambling/oversharing but the overall point is that I have a strong fascination with drugs it's a special interest basically


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10 Sep 2024, 1:41 am

Welcome to WP Xpzkr....hope you get some good responses to your thread ..


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Rhapsody
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12 Sep 2024, 1:00 am

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. One of the things to remember about "functional" or "severity" levels is that they're not based on how you cope and perceive things. They're based on how difficult it is for neurotypical therapists or caregivers to interact with you and how easy it is for them to teach you their version of "life skills". Generally, if they can talk with you and bully you into behaving "properly" and somewhat passing as neurotypical then you're considered easier or higher functioning and thus less deserving of resources. It doesn't matter to them how much energy you expend to function in their world. Just that you can pretend to at all. It's ridiculous, and terribly unfair, but the labels aren't ours. They're theirs.

I can relate to a lot of the things you state as to why you feel severely autistic, as I've dealt with many of them myself, and I don't think you're delusional or unintelligent. You come across as very clever. Unfortunately the world is not kind to clever people. Edna and Bee gave you a lot of great advice, so there's no need to repeat that. One thing that hasn't been mentioned yet is that you have options: you can keep trying different therapists until you find one that works for you. I completely understand not trusting therapists. I have been hurt by medical professionals so many times that I do not give them blanket trust either. There are good ones, though, and if you're able to find one I really hope they'll be able to help you. You might need to try a lot of them. It sounds like the ones that you've talked to in the past did not understand you. Hopefully you will be able to find one that can! It might be a slog, though. It took me six years and dozens of doctors telling me I was insane before I found one that knew how to help me with my chronic pain. It was worth finding that doctor in the end, but it was a disheartening journey. I hope yours is easier.

Also, I understand that drugs are your special interest, and I'm sure that you know much, much more about them than I could ever fathom, but I am concerned for your safety. Knowing about the drugs and having nothing go wrong while using them are two different things. I hope you stay safe. :heart: I also hope things go better for you, and that you're able to get the help you need.



xzpkr_apoxia
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12 Sep 2024, 2:16 am

Rhapsody wrote:
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. One of the things to remember about "functional" or "severity" levels is that they're not based on how you cope and perceive things. They're based on how difficult it is for neurotypical therapists or caregivers to interact with you and how easy it is for them to teach you their version of "life skills". Generally, if they can talk with you and bully you into behaving "properly" and somewhat passing as neurotypical then you're considered easier or higher functioning and thus less deserving of resources. It doesn't matter to them how much energy you expend to function in their world. Just that you can pretend to at all. It's ridiculous, and terribly unfair, but the labels aren't ours. They're theirs.

I can relate to a lot of the things you state as to why you feel severely autistic, as I've dealt with many of them myself, and I don't think you're delusional or unintelligent. You come across as very clever. Unfortunately the world is not kind to clever people. Edna and Bee gave you a lot of great advice, so there's no need to repeat that. One thing that hasn't been mentioned yet is that you have options: you can keep trying different therapists until you find one that works for you. I completely understand not trusting therapists. I have been hurt by medical professionals so many times that I do not give them blanket trust either. There are good ones, though, and if you're able to find one I really hope they'll be able to help you. You might need to try a lot of them. It sounds like the ones that you've talked to in the past did not understand you. Hopefully you will be able to find one that can! It might be a slog, though. It took me six years and dozens of doctors telling me I was insane before I found one that knew how to help me with my chronic pain. It was worth finding that doctor in the end, but it was a disheartening journey. I hope yours is easier.

Also, I understand that drugs are your special interest, and I'm sure that you know much, much more about them than I could ever fathom, but I am concerned for your safety. Knowing about the drugs and having nothing go wrong while using them are two different things. I hope you stay safe. :heart: I also hope things go better for you, and that you're able to get the help you need.


Based on what you specified in the first paragraph I am severely autistic. I hate people, I can't trust anyone. If anyone makes small talk at me I angrily growl at them. If anyone tries to each me life skills I ask them to just walk away even though I know it would be beneficial. I'm no stranger to questions from strangers like "Are you autistic?" which piss me off I get visibly agitated then they tell me to "calm down" that only makes it even worse. Does this mean I'm severely autistic despite being "articulate"?


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Rhapsody
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12 Sep 2024, 2:44 am

xzpkr_apoxia wrote:
Based on what you specified in the first paragraph I am severely autistic. I hate people, I can't trust anyone. If anyone makes small talk at me I angrily growl at them. If anyone tries to each me life skills I ask them to just walk away even though I know it would be beneficial. I'm no stranger to questions from strangers like "Are you autistic?" which piss me off I get visibly agitated then they tell me to "calm down" that only makes it even worse. Does this mean I'm severely autistic despite being "articulate"?

I'm not a therapist, or psychologist, or able to diagnose anyone but you were given the diagnosis high functioning by one. That leads me to believe that the answer to your question is no. People who are labeled severely autistic are usually extremely difficult to communicate with. For example, my brother's best friend is labeled severely autistic and would not be able to use this forum. He barely manages conversation and they did not bother to teach him how to read or write very well because they deemed he wasn't capable. My family was livid about that decision but it's a moot point.

Why does it matter so much if you're severely autistic or not? The issues you're having are valid either way, and lots of people on this site can sympathize. Most of us have had similar issues. There's nothing wrong with being autistic. We're just wired different.



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13 Sep 2024, 7:28 am

xzpkr_apoxia wrote:
Rhapsody wrote:
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. One of the things to remember about "functional" or "severity" levels is that they're not based on how you cope and perceive things. They're based on how difficult it is for neurotypical therapists or caregivers to interact with you and how easy it is for them to teach you their version of "life skills". Generally, if they can talk with you and bully you into behaving "properly" and somewhat passing as neurotypical then you're considered easier or higher functioning and thus less deserving of resources. It doesn't matter to them how much energy you expend to function in their world. Just that you can pretend to at all. It's ridiculous, and terribly unfair, but the labels aren't ours. They're theirs.

I can relate to a lot of the things you state as to why you feel severely autistic, as I've dealt with many of them myself, and I don't think you're delusional or unintelligent. You come across as very clever. Unfortunately the world is not kind to clever people. Edna and Bee gave you a lot of great advice, so there's no need to repeat that. One thing that hasn't been mentioned yet is that you have options: you can keep trying different therapists until you find one that works for you. I completely understand not trusting therapists. I have been hurt by medical professionals so many times that I do not give them blanket trust either. There are good ones, though, and if you're able to find one I really hope they'll be able to help you. You might need to try a lot of them. It sounds like the ones that you've talked to in the past did not understand you. Hopefully you will be able to find one that can! It might be a slog, though. It took me six years and dozens of doctors telling me I was insane before I found one that knew how to help me with my chronic pain. It was worth finding that doctor in the end, but it was a disheartening journey. I hope yours is easier.

Also, I understand that drugs are your special interest, and I'm sure that you know much, much more about them than I could ever fathom, but I am concerned for your safety. Knowing about the drugs and having nothing go wrong while using them are two different things. I hope you stay safe. :heart: I also hope things go better for you, and that you're able to get the help you need.


Based on what you specified in the first paragraph I am severely autistic. I hate people, I can't trust anyone. If anyone makes small talk at me I angrily growl at them. If anyone tries to each me life skills I ask them to just walk away even though I know it would be beneficial. I'm no stranger to questions from strangers like "Are you autistic?" which piss me off I get visibly agitated then they tell me to "calm down" that only makes it even worse. Does this mean I'm severely autistic despite being "articulate"?


You may well be autistic but you also have a very bad attitude. Most autistic people do not actively hate other people. Autistic people may have social anxiety and poor social skills but they are not anti-social. Don't blame everything on being autistic.



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13 Sep 2024, 2:49 pm

xzpkr...i get that being thoroughlty disgusted with human being to be a thing. And my mantra for last 18 yrs but based on much longer life experiences became I trust noone ! And it is good you give fair warning to people , when they are overstepping your bounderies . Noone has walked in your shoes except you .! And will contend that , this trusting noone issue, comes from environmental circumstances ..In order to heal from it , at least to a minor point . You would badly need different environmental circumstances ...When you feel or are targeted by peeps. Best to find ways to completely get away from those circumstances. But life ....can change and your point of veiw , may change,but Aspies
are blessed with having lots of learning experiences ,BAD & good .And not that it helps but hold onto to this idea be able to put up with them.Maybe. Not meant to be contrary to any one else opinion.


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20 Sep 2024, 10:26 am

I am 41 yo male and was officially diagnosed recently but knew for a while.

What I notice is we NEED some drug to have other people tolerate us. I also STRONGLY urge you to start working towards being able to do 45 minutes of intense cardio 5-6 times a week. The 30 mins 3 times a week won't help. If you get to that point, the intense cardio will make you calm for the next 24 hours. It also has the benefit of counteracting some of the negative impacts of alcohol use.

I vape THC/CBD near constantly and even at my job. I started doing this 4 years ago after a bad performance evaluation and my next ones were much improved.

Its weird, I cannot tell other people for fear of losing my job, but I smoke pot at my job AND DID BETTER precisely because I had more emotional regulation.

I too have emotional regulation issues. I drink a lot of beer if I don't smoke pot and my wife will go out and get me beer if I don't have something because she can't stand me sober.

I mean what the f right, you have this image of "drinking ruins marriages" yet mine is happy because of it...



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26 Sep 2024, 2:12 pm

Sweet Pea hugs


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26 Sep 2024, 7:08 pm

I am also trying varying supplements and certain medications just to solve emotional dysregulation issues.

For most of my life, I'm one of those violently reactive ones.
No, that does not constitute as 'severe autism'; that would require inability to learn basic adaptive living and self help skills.

By self help skills, I do not even mean adulting stuff and chores, but very basic daily living stuff that any pampered 8 year on their own could could've learn at bare minimum.
Or the type of self help where one could actually survive when left alone.

I don't even count myself as 'articulate'. :lol: Words itself are just flat out unnatural to me and I lucked out on compensation.
Speech and language does not constitute 'severe autism'. That's a very common misconception.

Heck, there are actually plenty of those with 'severe autism' who are more articulate than I'm, and usually they're classed as 'severe' due to actually severe physical conditions and are even tested as 'low IQ', but mostly they're literally trapped in their own body type.

I can relate more to the last statement than any other 'I am constantly bullied' common aspie stories.

Though, I cannot exactly afford to be a biohacker... (You likely have a skillset of one or at least pursuing it based on your special interests).

There are other ways to overcome that unwanted chronic feeling within you (usually is emotional dysregulation).
But one without medication that takes a lot of discernment, a lot of introspection and too much interoception. It's not a doable path for everyone.

So yeah I can understand the idea of needing certain medications to be able to function well or a hope as a way to change.
And it is very much inaccessible for a reason however. :?


I don't believe all 'attitudes' are even natural, let alone intentional. :roll:

All because of some crap, usually childhood crap, and that's not directly very accessible parts of the mind by the conscious mind.
As much as I wish anyone can change as easily to become whoever they want to be, that's not how humans work in general.

The right medications are either bypass from those noisy and reactive crap (which is meant for short term), or lessening certain weight and encumbrances (which can lead to dependence).
Also lessening the noises of the brain's attempt on meant-to-be-temporary-then-turned-detrimental coping mechanism (usually unconscious avoidance) to confront it head on (some may require skills in meditation, others need competent professional intervention).

And I don't match the whole 'thoughts precedes emotions' model.
It could very much apply and work with everyone else, but not me.
Because had that been true, my problems would've been solved long time ago.

So I understand the damnable reactivity; ruining learning opportunity moments all because of 'moodiness'. :roll: It was a plague for most of my life.
And I can very much understand the lack of accessibility to pursue whichever path to get out in there

In any case...
Asociality and hostility does not constitute 'severe autism'.
There are plenty of those who are actually diagnosed as 'severe autism' and are way more social seeking, affectionate and trusting.

I understand the asociality (whether it's the actual innate lack of human social need and instinct, to varying coping mechanism as a reaction).

And I can very much understand the hostility (most of which are reactions), with what, most autistics had to go through with the crap many of us had to put up with; it's actually a reasonable reaction.
Still, predictable human reaction or not, still a detrimental one. :|


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