The Point Of No Return

Post Reply New Topic

Its hard to say exactly......It might have something to do with the severe depression I've had all my life. Its gotten to the point where its just hard to function in general. It takes more effort then I have the energy for to even get dressed and go out and live my life. I have to be careful where I go because I keep getting more severe anxiety attacks...last one I had freaked me out because I was close to losing touch with realitiy(whatever that is). Luckily that time I was able to just keep telling myself it was only anxiety and nothing was going to happen.....but I'm worried about the next time. I guess if need be I can hang out in the quiet study lounge between classes and just not go out and walk around. I can hardly stand to even be at the college campus alone. I kind of feel so unstable its like I could go off any minute...and not be able to do much about it.

Yeah, people said a lot of horrible things.......lol one of the worst was when I was in highschool and it was put on lock down a girl ended up getting shot. But during the lock down one of the other girls said she was suprised I was not the psychopath with the gun.

Yeah, people said a lot of horrible things.......lol one of the worst was when I was in highschool and it was put on lock down a girl ended up getting shot. But during the lock down one of the other girls said she was suprised I was not the psychopath with the gun. But I feel like all I can do since the counseling is not helping at all....is attempt to go on with my life you know go to class, try not to have a mental breakdown in public try to make it until March when me, my sister and my cousin might get an apartment. I keep getting close to just taking things out on my family, I can hardly stand to be around them.

How dare she make that comment. I think you have high anxiety and deep depression, because your past is obviously haunting you to this day. You might be afraid of being hurt once again. I still see lots of people through past time experiences, and it's a goddamn mess. That's why I try and come out of myself more by focusing on whatever is, right now, with new eyes to try and not suffer. I told my sister this and apparently she took my advice. No one who was abused by others should abuse his/her self mentally. It's unhealthy, and causes further drama for yourself.

Well my past certainly does not help my anxiety or depression, but i dont think it was the only cause. I do try to focus on whats going on now......but sometimes I can't seem to do that. It would help if things did not seem so meaningless. Also on Tuesday I am going to have to be honest with my counseler and tell him I don't think he can help with whats going on. I mean I gave it a chance and it's done nothing.

As far as college goes, when I first went it was meaningless. Because I didn't know what I wanted to become. I was basically attending for nothing. The reason was I was in a school with very limited careers. That's why I moved across the country, just to find water technology. As far as your counselor goes he doesn't seem very effective. Did you ever catch him looking at the clock?

Well I am going because its the only way to really have income at the moment, there is no way I can have a job right now. Its not really hard at all to go to three classes and do a bit of reading, but even that is quite overwhelming right now. But no I have not noticed him look at the time, he just is not too experianced with people like me I guess.

There is nothing in this society for me.....I mean there is litterally nothing I find appealing about it at all. What do I do with that? I mean there is no going back is there. Most of my family has more or less found a way to make it work for them. My sisters got her life together and will get somewhere, My brother is only 16 but I think he's got a pretty good idea of what to do with himself. So I feel further isolated from them, they will never understand how I feel. The reason the counseling does not work is I can't go back.......society rejected me for so long I finally lost contact with it and now I see nothing at all appealing about it. Its all so terribly meaningless, and history only repeats itself over and over and over again. I mean I don't want to have kids and bring them into this, what's the point....Yes I am in college but its a last desprete attempt to remain un-noticable. I mean I can probably go to college fake that I actually plan on doing something with it for a while......but eventually someone is going to find out, and what do they do when there is no way to make you fit for society......well they throw away the key don't they. So I want all of my family and anyone I have ever met to get on with their lives.....enjoy what they can and I hope they never see through the illusion and find themselves on this side. Looking in but detatched and feeling empty.

Sweet Leaf, Your scope of society is limited. You haven't seen everything that society has to offer. You have only seen the machines and their useless lifestyle. Have you thought that maybe you were born to create your OWN society? Why not create a group of people that share your ideas? I am telling you that there are other people that think like you. You either find them or you create a home for them.

Sweetleaf is there a Dr at the school that you go to that could see you..most places have a student health service that will see you at short or no notice.
I really think you need to go and tell them how you feel, in words just like you are using here. Preferably today or tomorrow?
I know when I have felt like you do I can't articulate it, but if you wrote it down it might work..its all here in these threads. Those people are there to help, thats their job.

not that I know of, and they cut the counseling service apparently.

How am I going to create a group of people, no one would be intreted and i don't have the social skills nessisary for that. I feel like I've kind of reached the end, I mean sometimes when I get off the lightrail to go to class I kinda just want to stand in the tracks and get hit. I mean I obviously have not done that but the thought crosses my mind every day. I mean I know i have plans to get an apartment with my sister and cousin, but I feel like I am losing contact with everyone....I feel like I can't talk to any one about how I feel. I mean I should be looking forward to that but there is nothing to look forward to when I always feel this way.