I really wish I didn't exist

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Honestly, this is most of my problem. I can't talk to people. When I try it comes out wrong, and so they think I sound like I'm lying or being stupid, and they won't just stop and think about what I'm saying.



I'm not as depressed as I used to be, but I am still suicidal. If I had a gun right now, I would be seriously considering ending my life tonight. If I had any sure way to kill myself, I would have very little keeping me from just doing it. I decided a while ago that I wouldn't do it if there was too high of a chance of survival. I do not want anyone intervening.



I'm not sure. But I never understand what's going on in other people's heads. I figure if they cared about me they would listen to me. And they wouldn't make me feel like I'm a failure. That hardly seems like a caring thing to do.

the OP should know that he is far from alone in being alone and feeling bereft of a sympathetic ear. one possible solution is to throw oneself into one's work or one's school or one's avocations/hobbies. a busy mind is at least one that is not plagued so much by ungood thoughts.

Does there have to be a purpose? Don't know that this is helpful but lately I have been trying to rationalize what to do if there is no purpose, what then is the reason to continue, does there need to be a reason, or is the reason to exist, it is hard to say. But on the off chance there isn't a specific purpose what than? Not quite sure the answer but thinking of the possibility there may be no purpose to me makes it a little less depressing somehow. It is a weird existence living for no real purpose, but I suppose it's a little less nasty than trying to off myself. Is there anything you enjoy....I mean just forget about purpose for a minute and think about if there are things you enjoy that you can spend time on, even if its hard to fully enjoy anything.

if there were no purpose to living I'd have taken a long walk off a short pier decades ago. it took me forever and a half to "get" this, but that what decades I went through was supposed to teach me something. but the didn't light up until the September of my years. what a waste, I coulda been an ok person so much sooner but for being slow. I have faith that the OP is painfully learning something important and specific to him that only he will "get" some day. but he will.

Yeah, that works some of the time. e.g. my temp job is an excellent distraction but the train ride there and back gives me way to much time to think toxic thoughts.

Last edited by RetroGamer87 on 20 Nov 2014, 8:25 am, edited 1 time in total.

re: train ride to and fro and toxic thoughts- the old school hack for that is a good paperback book. or listening to music on MP3 player. or a portable video game, while riding the train.

It's really hard for me to accept something like that. It might be true. I've actually been wondering about it lately. But it is like the idea doesn't compute, it doesn't make sense to me. Maybe that's just because I've never considered it until now. I just don't know.

I do have things I still enjoy, my method to feel better has really always been to distract myself. But I always have these thoughts in the back of my head, and the first free minute I get brings them all back. It's a cycle, I'll be distracted for possibly even days, and I'll often feel hyper and almost euphoric or high at times (from what I don't know), but eventually it all comes back, and then I feel like crap again, which usually lasts for at least several days. Then I go back to forgetting about it for a little while, and the cycle continues. It's not a very enjoyable way to live, wondering when the next plummet in my mood will be.

Relationships are the only thing that gives my life meaning. Perhaps your meaninglessness is related to not having strong feelings for anyone. I always feel suicidal and hopeless when I have no connections with others. When I am a part of social group, I don't even think about the purpose of life or seriously contemplate suicide.

you are fortunate if you have the cognitive wherewithal to join well with other people in meatspace.

I had this problem for a few months when I was realizing the absurdity of my religion and that my plans for the afterlife were not actually going to happen. I converted to humanism eventually went back to my usual self (but with less guilt and judgyness).

I don't believe (any more) that we were placed here for a predetermined reason. However, there are many valuable things that you can do. (What is a valuable thing? It's something that you value. That sounds circular, but it's really an expression of human will.) Apparently you think a purpose would be valuable. What should a purpose do? Why is it valuable? Why would one make you happy? What are the characteristics of a 'good' purpose? Maybe you can find (or even create) a worthy purpose once you know what kind of purpose to look for.

On a more practical note, this sounds like the sort of depression that is usually treated with drugs or significant amounts of time. Other measures I have found effective but are sometimes difficult to obtain/do include art and engineering projects, friends, and the study of philosophically-relevant sciences like microbiology, quantum mechanics, and astrophysics.

Hmmm. Maybe but I find toxic thoughts so distracting that if I try to read a book I'll just stare at the same page for an hour without reading. If I try to play a game I'll just pause for an hour and think. The story of my life. I often zone out when attempting to complete a task because I get distracted by my own own thoughts. Not always negative thoughts, just irrelevant thoughts.

When I'm on the train I often just type on my netbook or surf the web. I tried to write my last post in this thread on the train but it didn't quite turn out right. Something went wrong with the quotes.

So how to treat depression? Sometimes retail therapy works for me. I feel like an imposter on the train but not in a shop.

Last edited by RetroGamer87 on 20 Nov 2014, 3:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

The idea that you must 'find a purpose in life' is a myth. I don't know who started this stupidity but they probably made a great deal of money from it and they're probably still laughing about it now.
You already have a purpose. It is to exist on this planet. You are a son, a grandson, an employee, a friend, that guy on the train, in the coffee shop, on WP - you have countless purposes. You add meaning to other people's lives by being alive. But you miss these simple truths because your mind has become fixated on something that doesn't exist. If you focus too hard on the goal, you often miss all the little things that make life so meaningful.
Do you think animals in the wild sit around and ponder their purpose in life? Do you think they need to 'find themselves' before they can start being a lion or a wildebeest or whatever? No, they get on with living because they know that living is their purpose in life. Humans are the only animals who seem to be confused about how to go about existing.
Just exist. That's what you were meant to do.

I never asked myself "Why am I here?" I'm not that philosophical.

I just think you (Mr. Holmes) need a good buddy to hang out with.

And probably an objective therapist to talk things over with.

Most of all, you need someone who will change your outlook from "inward" to "outward."

I agree with gaming on terms. If I need to play a game it'll be something casual like Blockland, a game where you build stuff, or puzzle games like portal 1 and 2 that at times give off this clamming atmosphere of music while playing. I stay the hell away from online competitive games because it'll just be too hostile on my emotions. When I feel quite melodically. I tend to listen to music that nor enhances, or highlights my emotions. If i begin to feel sad, I tend to find one of my fav songs that have a bit of an upbeat theme to it. (Though not sounding pretentious like Parwell's Happy. GOD, i wish that song can go away from the radio allready.) I listen to a song that has atmosphere, great rhythm and a catchy tune. Some among like this. BTW I love the Scott pilgrim series ^^ [youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cuia6EgqxVE&list=PLy0MaGHBEQRYy_Tk4lkP3jioi5QW_sjXy&index=9[/youtube]

...Probably. That's part of why I want to move to Ohio and share an apartment with my older sister and my little brother. We are pretty good friends. Unfortunately, I probably can't do that till March

Leaving Twin Falls, eh? That's probably for the best. It seems like nothing good has happened to you since you got there.