i am doing better but still not really any real improvement

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im not certain what do about the overall big picture
nothing i can take do or say be said be done to me is stands any reall chance of making anything better, its very hard do anything productive, i found i get into into the same pattern just find answers and question my dad over and over again about why he did what he did to avail and cant really change anything i do. I need my parents help but they have essentially wrecked my chances for anything meaning.

Hi Nightbender. I just wanted you to know that I am still thinking of you and care about your well-being. I am here to listen and offer any support that I can. I wish you could get a nice hobby that could occupy some of your time---they can be very rewarding. I know I have discussed this with you before---but give it some thought. I have even found playing the solitaire game on my computer as relaxing and soothing. Keep in touch.

my aunt and uncle were supposed to visit but they said they probally wouldnt

Hi Nightbender, I'm sorry that your aunt and uncle aren't visiting.

Please keep remembering what I said some time back---that I sincerely believe you are getting better---but there would be challenges along the way. These challenges often strengthen us and make us stronger. Nightbender---you are stronger than what you may believe you are. I so want you to be able to grab onto life and live it in the way that you so deserve. You want to be happy, I want you to be happy, and others here that care so much for you want you to be happy too. We are here for you in the closest way that we can be in these forums. As I said earlier, I am here to listen and to offer support when needed. And the others here on your thread are listening and offering their support too. We are here with you on your journey of healing. Yes, healing. Nightbender---you are healing...you are getting better whether you realize it or not. It may be slow, but you are going to get there as you continue to fight. Please...and I say "please"...try to look at positives in life no matter how small they may seem.

your friend,
glider18 (Tim)

I hope things get better for you night bender.

Hello Nightbender, I haven't heard from you in several days---and I hope you are feeling better. I know that advice is a lot easier to give out than for someone to actually put to use. But I wish you could relax and enjoy some aspect of life---like an interest or hobby. I want you to know that I have hit some terribly low points in my life in the past few years. There were times I felt like I would never recover from the depression.

Gee...here I go...I thought I would never admit to some of this...but anyway.

In the summer of 2007 I agreed to change jobs at the school where I teach (from English to the gifted program). After saying I would switch teaching positions, I got doubting my decision. I called the principal the next day to tell him I had a change of mind...and he said my English job was already being filled. OMG...I fell apart. I prayed to God for help. Oh did I pray. I became an emotional wreck. I laid on the couch and sobbed like a baby. I paced the floors endlessly. I saw no way out of this---and to make matter worse, I had to take more college classes (6000$ worth out of my own pocket) in this change. OMG...I was rock bottom. I felt like my head was going to explode in grief and depression. But why? I had had 19 years of hell in the English classroom---I was bullied by some of my students and my discipline was often not good. My evaluations had always been terrible and I would have been fired had it not been for my continuing contract that I was said to have gotten because of default---because the board of education failed to act on my contract in the alotted amount of time after I got my Master's Degree in the early 1990s. Well...I spent hours in bed wishing for sleep. Then, I started playing solitaire to pass the time. And it helped. Then I started writing on my story---and you know what...I began feeling better. Pursuing an interest gave me a purpose and got me through some rough days. Anyway...I got through it. I have finished the schooling and I now have my degree in gifted. I am glad I did it.

In the spring of 2006, I hit a low point where I was unable to go to work for several days. We had thrown away a stuffed animal of my youngest son's after he had gotten sick on it. My wife said it wouldn't clean up. Well, for some reason, I felt like it had feelings after it was too late. I got depressed---I still don't understand this trait in me---it is often hard for me to throw away certain things. Mom said when I was little I used to rummage through the garbage and dig out things. I still do it. But over this stuffed animal I grieved and I saw no way out of the depression. I called in sick to work and after my wife would go to work, and my kids were off to school, I would go to Mom and Dad's house and lay on their couch---pretending I was physically sick rather than for the depression. I finally got over it---after several weeks---time can heal things. But first, I went down to the basement where the stuffed animal had been and found a few hair fibers that had stuck to a clothes hanger where it was, and I placed them in a container to keep. At least I had part of it. Then, I ordered four similar stuffed animals, and gave them to my son. Gee---I am unusual aren't I? I guess maybe this goes back to my childhood where my friends weren't so much real people but my toys and interests. I gave them life through me. I could only comfortably relate to the inanimate. I wasn't awkward around the inanimate. Maybe that is the root of this.

Sorry...I have strayed away...but even though these two examples aren't really comparible to your struggles...you can heal Nightbender. It will take time. But you must keep striving to make progress. In my two crisis, I thought I would never heal. But I had to do something---I desired to feel good again. You have the desire to feel good too Nightbender. So I did something---played solitaire to refocus my mind, worked on my novel, bought other stuffed animals that I would never have had had this incident not have happened, and collected those hair fibers. I saw those things as a way to heal. And I healed---though it is still hard to talk about it---I guess there will always be a tender spot in my heart---but I am happy again.

Well, I have just admitted to things here that has taken a lot of courage for me to do. But I felt like it was important for you to know that even in our darkest pits, we must fight...we must refocus our minds...and allow the healing to take place. You can heal Nightbender. Please, find something you enjoy and absorb into it some. You deserve to find happiness.

im ok i suppose my condition gets a little worse everday and everydayd its alittle harder to do stuff
the things i miss the great understanding of things and the ability to effectively communicate ideas to others, tried to tell my case manager about the real nature of psycho-social disabilty and such and failed, that it wasnt really biological that all these labels culturally biased with scientific validity,
my other case manager timed out because of duplication of services
the one with the apartpent is reall good but he kinda doesnt as most people who work for the system have a good idea of the actions and effects and of psychotropic substances, btw he used to be a ddd case manager, so he thinks that different people can bring back, wich i wish, but dont really think so,

the other thing is being forced to talk to people i dont want to just because i cant make new friends, poeple that dont really have a good grip on stuff and poeple who i would have move past long time ago

my mom is getting better she is researching mindfreedom and the mh human rights movement a nd the survivor movemvent, and is learning alot.

my dad is losing it, last week he casued a commotion callingthe bathroom wall green when it is in fact biege and has been biege for several years and has never been green ever

im trying to things i like or would like like warcraft 3 or the anime channel

Hi Nightbender, I wanted to check in and see how you are doing this week. I know you have said you have problems communicating ideas to others, but at least you can communicate well enough here in the forum. I have problems communicating verbally at times too, but my therapist told me to script them out first. That does help. But I do understand the difficulty in opening up ourselves to others---though I do sense you have great difficulty with this. I wish you could get a professional that truly understood you and your condition. I am glad your mom is getting better. Keep up with your interests.

trying to

my therapist that see alot is a piece of garbage
i just realized this
she said stuff your aspergers was the reason your parents abused you that i ramble and believe my own rambling that i have trouble percieiving things
and that i should nothing about major problems i may happen to encounter

checked with ddd
they said they couldnt do anything unless they was an immediate incident, of wich if there was such an icnident i wouldnt be able to do anything about it and then they would just move me and not do anything about them

I have trouble understanding your therapist---it's like she is telling you what the problem is, but failing to tell you how to handle it---if that's the case, you definitely need better support than that. You need a professional that truly understands your particular challenges. Anytime I had an issue, my therapist was always resourceful and kind in teaching me how to deal with life. Those professionals are out there, I just wish you could find one that you could put trust in. In the meantime, you have those of us who are concerned about you to offer whatever support we can.

I wish you the best in life,
glider18

I'm sorry i haven't responded in a such a long time. I was going through some really bad stuff but i didn't forget about you and i still care.

Your therapist does sound very bad. He is blaming you for something that is not your fault. There is NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE! If he is saying its your fault your abused then he is a very bad person and a horrible therapist who frankly, you should sue!

I suggest you find a therapist who will help you and not do more damage. I'm sorry your being treated this way. You deserve much better!

Your a good person who knows and perceives things better then people give you credit for. Just remember that! You know what is best for you!

tired of people telling you to "think positively"?
aren't we all, it doesn't help. will-power can only go so far.

i'm not sure i this works in reality, but it sounds plausible in theory...
the trick is to take your determination to not be negative and try to create opportunities for positive results.
take something you're already pretty confident in and try to transfer some of that confidence to other areas.

basically trick your brain. become momentarily irrational in that sense and think you're the s**t.

give yourself a jump-start in your weak area of confidence with a jolt of false confidence. if you can get positive results in the short amount of time you may be able to pull that off for, you may be able to replace that false confidence with some real confidence and build off it.

a little confidence seemed to work for me anyway. i noticed my aspie "shy quiet" traits were reduced.
you know why? because it's a known fact that happiness/achievement results in the brain releasing the reward chemical, dopamine. which has many beneficial properties such as improving behavior and cognition, voluntary movement, motivation and reward, sleep, mood, attention, and learning.

oh, and if i'm wrong in any way, someone please inform me. it's just a theory and i'd like to leave it open to debate.

i do actually she just isnt coverred

Hi Nightbender, I think what we need to do at the moment is lay aside thinking about a proper therapist---and think positively on what things you enjoy---Warcraft 3 and Animal Channel. Let's focus there for now. Tell me some things you like about those things. When I get down in the dumps, I have to make myself get involved in something I enjoy---and it often helps.

hey thanks i think sort of works