Aspergers, ok, now what?

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Hi. This is my first post.

I'm 36 and live with my wife and four kids. I've always felt I was a wee bit odd and started to suspect that I have AS this summer. I haven't been diagnosed professionally but I "ace" _all_ online AS-tests and recognize myself in most article written by other aspies.

So... What now? AS explains so much of the problems I've had growing up and in the relationship with my wife.

But what do I do now? Books and articles seem to turn to the NT-part in the relationship telling them how to handle the AS-partner. But I don't want that. I don't wan't to go to my wife and say: "Congratulations. I'm special and you need to treat me a certain way or this won't work. ... It is all up to you."

I just wan't to be able to have a "normal" life. Where do I go from here? It feels like I don't understand what I'm doing wrong.

I totally agree, i dont' like it when people have to act differently because of me.

you probably don't know what you're doing wrong that's the point. The good thing is: your wife does! So why not ask her what she would like you to do. She might be helped with some literature about ASS. If you tell her some relationship stuff just doesn't come natural to you... she might be happy even if it seem unnatural to you at first.

For example; if she tells you you just don't understand her needs, tell her "No I don't instinctively know your needs like some other guy might, but if you tell me what you need I can try to do it anyway." Putting your arms around her when she is sad or asking about her feelings can be done even without you really wanting it or really wanting to hear about her feeling. This stuff is important to other so us 'aliens' should be the ones who adapt by giving them what they want, even if it feels foreign somehow.

oh! and remember, when a woman comes to you with a problem, she isn't immediately interested in how it can be FIXED, necessarily. She wants to chew it over for a while, explore her feelings about it and discuss those feelings. THIS MAKES HER FEEL BETTER about it. Then, when that is all out of her system, she will be receptive to things that can repair or replace what was bothering her in the first place. Think of it as 'foreplay'.

welcome to WrongPlanet, Slumberwatcher! You aren't doing anything 'wrong' you are just expecting human beings to appreciate logic and order. Everytime. Just let that assumption evaporate like rain sprinkles on hot concrete. . .

Merle

we conquer the world my freind

Wow <blinks>! This is great advice; I've had this EXACT concept spelled out to me before! I was always trying to "fix" things when the solution was to let them "vent" and then sympathize.

Her: Professor NameRemoved is never making the deadlines for this publication that we are supposed to have out in one week! It's so frustrating.
Me: <thinking of ways to get even with the professor, thinking of ways to snub the professor, thinking of ways to subtly prod the professor> Have you tried X? Have you tried Y? Have you tried Z? Maybe I should go down there and have a talk with the professor...
Her: Will you STOP trying to fix things all the time? Sometimes I just want you to listen to me and sympathize!
Me: Oh...

Over the years, you can get this kind of sympathizing down to a science: Wait just this long, give hug for that long, do this if she starts crying, when it is over bring her a fine Lindt Lindor(TM) chocolate ball, etc. It takes very little effort and can fill your partner's emotional needs. Find out AFTERWARDS if they want something fixed.

Gah, I feel somewhat horrible being so analytical about something so emotion-packed.

Well, the important thing about AS is that when you are diagnosed (whether professionally or self-diagnosed) the world doesn't change. You are the same person you were yesterday and you will be the same person tomorrow. What has changed is that you have a link to connect aspects of yourself that previously might not have made rational sense, or might have been misattributed to some other cause.

That means that you can now look at change in your life with this new context, and with professional help that might be better able to clarify whether your coping strategies are appropriate, and whether they can be more effective.

To my way of thinking (and I was diagnosed around the same age as you) the key is to identify those parts of your personality and your behaviours that are causing difficulties for you, for your family or for others who are important to you. Once identified you can then work on strategies to address those.

At the same time, though, it's not all a one-way street. It is perfectly acceptable to say to friends and colleagues who are talking over each other, "I am sorry, I cannot follow more than one conversation at once, can we please speak one at a time?" Many of the accommodations that we need from the people around us are not actually that unreasonable, provided that we ask for them in a respectful way.

Wow...

This is the best forum I've ever been in.

It is so great to finally find others who thinks like me.

And thanks for the hints on how women work. I'll try that next time I get the urge to solve her problems.

I know how you feel, as well.

A friend of mine who also posts here writes a really great blog about having Asperger's and being married, having a family.

http://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/

That's exactly how I felt when I joined. Finally people who understand me and think like me and a place that actually explains how I can cope with stuff. Other sites always gave me advice that just wouldn't work for me. Glad to see you on the site.

relating to this, but nothing to add...

Thank you for posting it though.

Have you considered that your children may have Aspergers too? From my own research, there seems to be a strong genetic link.

Yes. The oldest one probably has it. She hasn't got a diagnose but since the school didn't think that her AS causes any trouble at school. But they are very good and still work with her as if she would have a diagnose and help her by giving very clear instructions and helping her to interact with the other children.

Then the youngest also may have some aspie-traits but I think it is a bit early to tell. And the other two are more or less NT. (But we do keep a close eye on them.)

I'm thankful that we started to think in the terms of AS and managd to get her from a school where she was bullied by the children and missunderstood by the teachers.

Is the oldest one in primary school?
The reason why I ask is because high functioning aspies especially tend to make it through a supportive primary school quite happily. The problems can begin in a secondary or tertiary environment, when they are expected to make more and more executive functioning type stuff, prioritising, disseminating, etc, and without a diagnosis, they can find it hard to get any acknowledgement, let alone help, and diagnosis takes a long time, which is disastrous in exam years and the lead up to them.

A lot of the time, people don't get a diagnosis because the child isn't experiencing problems yet, and the school doesn't want the hassle for as long as the child isn't causing them a problem.

Yes. She is 8.

My biggest fear is that she would be treated different if she got a diagnose. That she might get bullied again and that the teachers would treat her as a "asperger-case" rather than a person...

As I write this I see how silly it sounds. But still, it scares me.

We told her about AS and how people are different and that nothing is "wrong" with her. Hopefully that will prepare her for some of the hurdles.

If the school is already treating her fine, then there shouldn't be a problem, in that you won't need to push for a SEN(Statement of Educational Needs) until maybe towards final year or so of primary school, as there is a higher likelihood that she will need it in secondary school. These things take time. I assume that you're in the UK?

Just getting the diagnosis can take a couple of years if you're lucky anyhow. The thing is, it sounds as though at least the second oldest will also benefit, so it's not my time or gamble, but it sounds like a good investment of time and effort, and your setting the ball rolling now sounds excellent in terms of the timescales that are involved.