Controlling/Very Negative Mother

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I'm really losing it. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm just going to vent here, and if anyone wants to give me any advice, please please do so.....I just want to talk it out.

So for as long as I can remember, my mother has been controlling everything in my life. But she's very smart about it, even though she says she doesn't know she does it. She will guilt me into making decisions....HER decisions. She will talk me into them, knowing that I won't relax until her will is done, so I just do what she says....basically because if not I'll feel guilty afterwards and end up doing it anyway.

Four years ago, I broke the mold by studying something I WANTED to study. I am unemployed, but I did study what I wanted and she had nothing to do with that....as much as she tried to change my mind with ridiculous ideas that I would NEVER go for. I have big dreams and big plans for myself, but she can't stand it that I can dream and she can't. She has no dreams, no ambition whatsoever, she is completely lost and then looks to take it out on me.

Now, I graduated and I'm starting a Masters in something else, (Media Design) and now she's throwing the same crap she did 4 years ago. "Why don't you study Education...." blah blah blah. I DONT WANT TO!! !! !! As much as I say "No" "No Thank you" "Please stop" she'll just keep talking over me, and she won't STOP talking!! Then she starts bringing back history, telling me, "Oh remember when you wanted to study film? I let you! So now you have a second chance and I don't want you to ruin your life......" as she continues with her shpiel, I am just FUMING and want to SCREAM!

Then instead of supporting me, and telling me words of comfort and ENCOURAGEMENT, all she does is say how I'm going to be working in a department store, or penniless or whatever. She continues on and on like that, saying that she's sad to see me going down such a bad road, and that one day I'm going to say "Oh why didn't I listen to my mother...."

I got home in such a bad mood I just wanted to throw a FIT! She just makes my blood boil and she knows it. "End of Conversation" she says.....yeah right, until tomorrow when she starts it ALLLLL over again because she has NOTHING better to do than that!!

Other people give me words of encouragement that make me feel like I'm going to do something amazing, and I WANT TO, and I have the WILL to, but it's just living where I do, there aren't many opportunities to be had. I just need to GET OUT of here!! !! !! !! !! !! !!

She's just always so negative, in everything. Never has anything positive to say about anyone or any situation. All she fixates on and moans and groans about is her sad little life and the sad people in it. I am the most positive person there ever WAS! But all she does is spoil it and make me MAD! =( I can't take her anymore!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !!

Oh and that's not all....then she says "I'm a realist"...and continues with that lovely string of crap. You can be a realist but you don't have to BREAK people down!! ! You don't have to be so mean and critical, and when I try to defend myself she says I have an attitude problem. What because I don't DO or THINK exactly like she does!?!?!? She says whatever she wants and then I don't get to say what I have to say. Then she goes back to normal like she didn't say a thing and I'm left wanting to punch a hole through a wall.

It sucks, but all I can tell you is to go out and study the subject that interests you the most. If you're an aspie you will need to be very interested in your major of choice to be able to get any work.
As for your mother, get a hearing device that lets you lower the volume of noise, so you don't have to hear her.

Your mother sounds quite a bit like mine.

When I was deciding on going to college, she felt it was in my best interests to go to the local business college - the next town over, commute from home, never have to leave the family. Take up accounting, which was something I had little interest or desire in. Had to fight long and hard to actually go to the school I wanted and in the major I wanted. But, I did it anyway.

And now - because I don't have any form of steady and/or decent employment, I get this rubbed in my face all the time. That I should have listened to her, that she knows best for me, that I need to go back and get the accounting degree and stop being a failure.

She's also a major complainer, negative person in general, and worries incessantly, plus a control freak.

It's certainly not fun to deal with, so I've tried to limit my contact with her - to the point of even moving in with other relatives, just to get away from her negativity and controlling behavior.

These accounts from both Quartz11 and Penandinkmarie pretty much sums up who my mom is.

The sad thing about the whole thing is that she is so nice to the people out in public, when she's out about or working. I've had people commented on me that my mom is one of the most sweetest person they know. If only they knew her true side.... if only they lived here with my mom, only then they will see her true nature, the unrestrained glory of my mother. She is extremely negative, and in 95% of all cases extremely vicious towards me, with the other 5% being nice to me mostly in public settings. She says she loves me, has pictures of me around the kitchen counter, but I don't buy in all that crap. I am stuck with her for the time being for the last couple months due to being legally separated from my wife, which is a whole different matter altogether.

I don't know how anyone could ever possibly appreciate having a mother like that in their life. In other cases, I would have thought it be cruel to think of a mother like that, but in this case, I just can't help it because of what I have experienced growing up with that Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde. When my mom's boyfriend came back to her after a few days of breaking up with her, I warned him to stay away from her for good, for his own sake. I was hoping he would not come back to her. He's far too nice to be trampled upon by my mother. The sad thing is that she did it again a few days ago, and now hopefully he's not going to come back to her ever again. My mom has a 4-year life expectancy with men. Of all the men she's been with, I only wish that one of them actually stuck around with her. He was very good with me.

Keep your chins up, guys - we all will get through our mothers. They have to die sooner or later, won't they? I know it's cruel and morbid, but all of us would be happier for it without such negativity in our life. Go for your dreams, don't let anyone try to stop you.

This subject resonates with me deeply. I wish I had had the tenacity and the confidence to separate myself emotionally from my mother. At this point none of my siblings nor my father care about her emotional needs and I both understand and resent them for it.

Depression has long accompanied me. I am presently trying to overcome my mental health issues I am butting heads with my mother constantly. The sad thing is I see many of her problems in myself. My family views mental health issues as a matter of weakness and incompetence, thus we typically do not acknowledge them. This sort of stubbornness seems to reinforce the negativity as they tear down other people and degrade their conception of reality in order to align it with their own self-image. I think.

I believe it is probably best to divorce yourself of these situations however possible. Yet your mother needs understanding and emotional validation as much as anyone else. You have my condolences. I certainly do not know how to handle it.

yeah... sounds like the crap I usually tell my only and dearest friends (all of them online)... over and over, because I can;t find a way out of it that suits everyone. I feel helpless...

here, have a sample! If it sounds familiar, please feel free to contact me. I can listen to you for a while... not for long, I have ADHD as well, and the attention span of a dead lemming...

But hey. I am here, for you, if oyu need to listen, anybody. Esp you who started this topic up thar yonder. Alo, this is from an email i sent to one of my friends who has a lovely boy with Autism, as I recall. I ... um.. rant a lot.. me sorry.. but I can;t find a way out of it. it keeps circling in my head and I cna;t see any other way out and I' am SOO frustrated at having to think about it constantly. i don't trust anybody... my parents and other adults did that. now I'm 27, and I was tentatively diagnosed with all this stuff last year... most of which -excepting the ADHD which was diagnosed wihen I was 6 or so) I found out last year in NOv when the parents tok me to this creepo counselor service O.o-

ADHD - Upper 80 Percentile, apparently - also, much like many of you I imagine, I tend to fascinate counselors... they keep asking what my IQ is anbd if I've been tested-HELLO? ADHD? no timey testy? dips**ts.
Asperger's
Mood Disorder
CPD/APD (Central Auditory processing deficit)
Seasonal/Affective Disorder - se, i remembereD!! eventually.
and possibly polycystic ovary syndrom, or something similar which gives you really. BAD. dangerous confusion and mood swings, esp on Caffeine! eek
and there is something else... one MORRRRE thing, as Uncle say on JACkie Chan... (not dissing Asians they rock! GO JAPAN!! !! !)
personally I think I have some degree of dyslexia or dyslexic-like behaviour, as I am noticing more and more that I keep transpostioning concepts , letters, words.. it's annoying... I taught myself a lot of skills to think better and remember better- figured them out mostly on my own, without real help... becuse my parents confused and scared me with their conflicting messages... so, I am not pleased to see thse problems cropping up.

sorry for all the typos.. itype too fast and I tend to get all dyslexic on it.. I apologize for not correcting them, it's just I never know when I'm gonna be -interrupted- by HER. or LIFE in GENERAL. I didn;t use to be so complain-y. But.. I am just sick of her. and of my father acting like I'm some damn delinquent becuase I havea differeing opinion and am fed up... AND i'm 27!! ! GOOD GOD. God forbid I should havemy own ideas!! ! when he more than likely has ADHD and Asperger's as well. so did my mother's father, the ADHD anyway. She keeps acting like she's -too good!! !? in my opinion- to have it, pretending to agree with me but then turning around and say ing well you keep saying you think i have this but I don't so. .blah blah blh... etc. ALso, she tends to act reallly ( as I see it, i could be wrong, of course) disturbingly possessive of -Her house-... Her ideas, HEr personality.. like her needs are not being met. WEll gosh mom.. at lesta YOU HAD SEVEA LTEMP JOBS I HAD ABJECT HORROR FOR MOST OF MY CHILDHOOD, WHAT WITH HAVING TO GO TO PUBLIC SCHOOL AND GETTING EMOTIONALLY TORTURED AND RIDICULED like most other introspects! Granted, she had her horrible things too... like getting raped.. twice... when she was a teen... but, in some ways, my life wsa like getting raped. I'm sorr,y but it was. Every day, for years... emotionaly torture during soem long part of the day, b ecause I had no control at first over what was happpening to me. I can;t imagine her life... but niehter, i guess, can she imagine mine, lie and say otherwise as she might. She had real friends, though. Life was different for her, for us both. its apples and oranges. But all she can say is that oh I didn;t have what happened to Her happen ot me... in somse fashion... i think. wow. thanks mom.

okay, here is the beginning of the blitzkrieg that I sent my girl friend, with some added juiciness- I hope this helps someone... or at least entertains someone! and if I have taken over the thread on some way, I... really do apologize. it's just... I've been without real help for SO long, it always builds up in my head nad comes pouring out... me sorry!! !! ! on the upside, i write really great fanfiction, and give good advice, in short increments. My friend calls me her son's guardian angel, becuase I try to help her understand him better, how to talk to him, how to make him feel special and loved... things that my parents have problems with, becuase of their own prpoblems... unfortunately, when I was a kid, i couldn;t control myself nearly as well as I can now, so I got totalyl f****d up by my brain and by having no help.. being scared of everything,, etc... blah blah you guys know the drill. If i'm talking toom uch, just tell me to shut up. Im serious. don't mind the typos.. my writing looks nothing like this. MY friends and readers call me a brilliant genius, but that's soo not true. i can just see stuff they can't. doesn;t make me special, really. Im jsut me.


---beginning of email to my friend, with MORE stuff added for your pleasure--- snort.
man, I totally know waht you mean. It's like, some things, it's better, it gets better when you do them... like this time i was with one of my ex-boyfriends Chris down to Branson... I sang a folk song for some of his aunt'? customers.. of course I stopped in the middle of it to ask if they could hear me, because my voice is REALLy soft. I suspect they lied. Totally cool, that day. Plus, i can;t always sing ecently because i have post nasal drip... and some of them lovely allergies, what? And when I try to sing and get out the kinks, you know, those times when the sound that comes from your throat is horrible because oyu haveto work it? She tells me to be quiet. Geez.

I had sung for his grandmother, and she really liked it; so did his mother. they asked me to sing there at his aunt's shop there in Branson.. at first I said no, but then.. osmething magickal happened... I felt lie i could do it. So I tried it. It wasa good day. THOse kinds of things, I think, are what we should try for. thethings that make us MORe nervous are the things we should avoid, yes?

mom keeps trying to get me to work with her.. but the more I haer her yap about THE BUSINESS, the less I like it. sure, I like some aspects, but.. there's just soemthing about it that makese me feel unwell, like it's going to be nothing buta pain, with no real goodness coming out of it, for me anyway. She says she is trying to get money for our household, becaue that's the only thing left to do... we are always strapped... dad's still working, but he;s like, almost 70? maybe he is 70 I don't remember. I just feel VERY f*****g STRONGLY that working with her is probably not going to be good for me. But she keeps obsessing, talking like what else can we do?

I don't think I can work... not after Dillard's. That proved it to me. I'd always supsected it. And that creepy counselor at that place we just left said that my thinking that was ,maybe wishful thinking.. you remembe what they did, yes?

I can;t see a way out.

I can;t figure out what to do. I can;t find a group here I can go to... maybe should look some more... will do, of course.

I don't want to work with her. she thinks it will work, but... we only have good times rarely. Mostly it's fighting... dad doesn't always do well with the remodelling.. its taken yeras to getthe few things done we've gotten don. Plus he oprobably has all the same things I do. being around other people up close for too long always either exhausts me or makes me nervous. I just HAVe to get away, or sleep. I just do. my energies/chems? are RARELY up enough to make that irrelevant... and nothing I do seems to change that, not ignoring it, facing it head on, taking vitamins, nothign. It;'s something I think I haveto live with.

I'm a libra, you know. so its like I'm part capricorn and part virgo. Being part capricorn (shes a full capricorn) means that I need to have my own dominion so I can get down to business and actually get osmething meaningful done -no distractions via pther peopleliving with me-, yeah? she always needs to have hers.. it;s just the nature of capricorn.. but i feel like I'm floating because I don;t have mine... i keep teling her that... she keeps... equating it to oo I gave you a room of your own.. like I actually own anything in this house... HA her first husband wasan abusive diabetic... appraently a nice man, an aries though... nice man, but diabetes was really bad, and made him icky in the head. plus both my parents' parents were abusive in some way,s loving in others. not good.

I own nothing in this house, a fact of whcih she makes me very aware whenever there's a tiff. Seh also keeps complaining about how... hrm, i thin i forgot something here... crackers. Will remember tonight right before bed, one imagines. ornext year sometime...crap. SORRY!! !!


I don't trust the govt to pay for what i need - a place ,a some medicad because let's face it i freak at the mere THOUGHt ofa job... and most people just stare at me. They just KNOW I'm not like them. I know it, they know it.

I cna;t see anything to do..and mom's ideas make me barf. Maybe I'm just selfish and need to work with her? BUt.. i just cna;t STAND it anymore. I need my own job or something... something to make me feel secure enough so i cna move out and get my own place.. but see, I don;t want to leave them alone... they need osmebody sometimes..

I have NO IDEA what to do. And there's nobody I would be willing to move in with. I would be too much of a burden. I HATe being dependent. ANYBODY's dependent, for anyreasoin,. But Im not a moron- i know I need help with certain things, esp things I'd MUCh rather be ableot do myself. URGGGGGG

my writing is good, up to a point.. but... i can't stand business.. it's so corrupt. I'd never survive being in any sort of big thing... anda small thing... chances are it will go under. I have NO FRICKING IDEA what to do. I can't stand pretending I'm like neurotypicals for very long... it's like exsanguination... I get tired VERY wquickly, trying to kep that up, no matter how long I've had to work on my disguise.. it just isn't healthy for me personally.

been this way for years. mom is pissed because i -am disinterested in her business-

well gosh mom, it's YOUr business... you;'r shoving it off as OURS because you're desperate...


she thinks there is no toehr way.. maybe hse;sright.. but her way... I don't think it should be mine. ButI can;t work. Can';t live homeless either, despite the spiritual benefits, axs I rather require a clea ntoilet for my emotional wellbeing. soooooo
well sheeyit.

anotehr day, anothoer pointless venture. I used to think her ideas would work.. then, I realized that it seemed like she was going in the same obsessive circles I used to go in, which I BROKE MY SELF OUT OF because there wasa no one to really help me. This b***h used to tell me things like I love you in one minute and then in the next, once I disagreed with her or, heaven forbid, STILL DIDN't UNDERSTAND?, she would say, what Dictionary are oyu using? with this face like she was queen goddess and i was a complete tool. ch. very confusing. how the hell should I feel? I don't know waht to do, either.. only... I don't thin I CAN work... i worked at Dillard's.. my first job, forced on mye because I had to help and pay the bills that year. I have No Problem helping.... no problem. IT's rational to assist when it's necessary. But working there totalyl murdered my emotional wellbeing and stability for several years. plus it was in the fall, when my seasonal-affective sets in. ooo RIGHT! THAt's tje other thing, SEASONAL-AFFECTIVE!! ! right.. gota remember that.... and mom wouldn't h elp me get those lamps then because she said we -didn't need em- BS, we both do the SAME THINg in the winter, we shut down. HELLO? SYMPTOM?. b***h. But, well, I can say that maybe I'm the b***h, of course I can, i have no problem taking that stance, that I may be wrong! NO problem. at. all. But... I need someone to help me think clearly, becaue i get confused far too often to go out into the world wihtout some extra assistance. I know myself, that;s all. It's not wishful thinking thatI can;t work. But if I can get some decent help, it might be. and that's cool. becuase I NEED my own stuff, y own place, to SURVIVE EMOTIONALLy, yet at the same time, I need ot feel safe, feel secure, and that is not something I can currently give myself. damn it. Sound like esome of you?

wow.. that was a long one.. oh I'm sorry! Please forgive anything which might upset you; never my intention. I probably missed out a few things... but it;'s been so long since I started typing this that.. um... where was I? I'm so very sorry, everyone. I wasn't always like this... so angry and bitter... eek. I'm a libra, I hate being this way... but nothing everchanges, no matte what any of the three of us do. It's like the universe hates us? that's illy, but sometimes... dang. Coincidence is just.. not.

Oh, and penandinkmarie? I love you darlin.. my mother does that to me too... she's slightly better SLIGHTLY, MIND, since we -discovered- I have asperger's and those otherthings.. but ... a lifetime of BS doth not a happy camper make. I tottally get you, and you have my lvoe and support, for what it;s worth, okay sweet?

My mom was a controlling psychopath. I'm sure she was just undiagnosed and untreated bipolar and could've been a very wonderful human being if she'd ever seen a doctor; but, she would've had to admit she wasn't perfect to take that step and there's no way that was ever going to happen.

I quit talking to my mother several times over the years because of her controlling and destructive behavior. There'd always be someone on the outside, who didn't grow up with her and only saw her good side, who'd guilt me back into responding to her emails to reconnect. Then, it was crazy all over again. When I cut her out the final time, it was wonderful. I talked to her once more after that, after my dad died. That was all I needed to reaffirm that I'd made the right decision and didn't want anything more to do with her. I didn't even go to my father's funeral. When she died, I didn't go to hers, either.

If you don't want to do something this severe - because it is pretty severe and if you can be guilted into making choices based on her desires, it's likely you'll destroy yourself with guilt for cutting her out - you really need to have a counselor that you can talk to about this mess. You need tools to deal with her and an ability to see the mechanics of what she's doing, not just the way her manipulations make you feel. You have to work on creating a separate life that is not affected by her criticisms and opinions. I think you need a professional to help get you there.

hi!! !! !! !

yeah... I keep thinking... if she could just break the loop she;s in... she recognizes that she;s in a loop sometimes.. but... not like I did. She won't really look at it.


I gotta move out somehow... but I need help to do it....

totally understand hat you are saying...


woot! Let us hope that tomorrow bringsa better day for all of us.

Om mane padme om.
Also,

au royaume des aveugles, les borgnes sont rois.

I tend to think of people like us as the elephant, the land, the blind ANd the king! hee hee except when I am confused. Then, i need help to think clearly. So yeah, totally getcha.

I suspect a lot of what people get out of life is influenced by their world view. While I still struggle with depression, I work at being positive and it seems to have paid off in that my life is more successful and happy than it was when I gave in to the depression more.

I know people who make nothing but negative comments about others and excuse their behavior by saying it's "realistic" But I find that my more positive views are also realistic. At least my relatively positive take on life seems born out in my experience.

While my parents were quite supportive of my choices, both of them tend to hold quite negative views of life, so I understand some of what you are dealing with. I strongly suspect that my more positive outlook has led to me having a better life than that of my parents.

If there is any thing you can do to start utilizing your education in the real world, you might be able to start showing your mother that what you are studying is indeed useful. She probably does genuinely care about your welfare, but is probably stuck in a "script" of assumptions about how the world works and can't see beyond that narrow point of view.

Good luck.

yes yes exactly!! !

So lets all wish penandinkmarie some realllly good luck, okay?

LOVE AND HUGZ FTW!

To be honest, it just sounds like she's an extreme variant of a normal mum. She's concerned you won't get a job.

Who will be paying for your masters? If you're self-supporting, great, tell her you already manage quite well on your own.

If she is funding it though, or the bank is, then it's basic politeness to just listen to her advice and to give her proper explanations as to why you don't want to be a teacher and why you think doing this masters will help you get a job afterwards

What work experience in film and media have you gotten so far? Have you researched or applied for any jobs in the field? If you do the research and show her you know what you're doing and that you have a career plan, she maybe be less likely to worry that you're going to end up with a degree that's of no use.

She hasn't stuck her foot down and told you no, so I don't see how she's overly controlling. She may be trying to 'guide' you in a not very subtle way, but that's what parents are like. It's impossible to get their approval 100% but they'll still love you anyway.

gosh... I hope penandink is around to listen to all this...

We're really getting some nice stuff being said here!

ARe you here pen? lurking maybe? come see come see!


...urg. I hate my periods. i go on this psycho dark impulse tied to mood swing blabberfreakfest. EVery. Time. For most of the month. I've only got really nice chems and hormones for about opne or two days afterward and one or two days before the three 1/2 week long grenade goes off adn I become nuts. sort of like I am now. So, um, if I've made anyone upset or if I've accidentally butted in... eek.

would someone tell me if I'm bothering anyone? please? I feel realllly weird now... ever since yesterday....


I don't wanna bother anybody... and I really didn;t mean to interrupt...

Here's my theory on this: It's all about your mom, and nothing to do with you. She never evolved in her parenting past when you were a infant. To her, you are still a fragile glass egg. And because of her own issues, that glass egg is always just about to fall out of her hand and shatter. That's her problem, and actually, she probably needs reassurance that the decision you make, and ultimately your decision making skills, are okay.