completely and utterly alone: i've given up

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i have AS but i've also struggled with depression since i was very young, like 7 or 8. i remember having to see counselors since i was in 2nd grade because i was rude to people, i had behavioral issues, and teachers noticed that i seemed depressed. i think i didn't understand the impact i had on other kids when i was mean to them. they were all mean back but i didn't make the connection- i just thought i was hated for some reason. i would blurt out the meanest, bluntest, most brutally honest things to other kids and adults alike. when i tried to fit in with groups of other girls, they would spurn me because i acted so strangely and i was very annoying. i only talked about myself and i would do things like poke them, make weird noises, interrupt, and if i spoke and nobody replied i would start shouting it over and over again until someone told me to stop. and then there's the whole rudeness thing. i was an outcast.
i remember going on a camping trip with summer camp when i was about 9 or 10 and the group of girls i was attempting to stick with were trying to walk fast and pretend not to hear me to get rid of me. i told a camp leader what was happening and i told them that i couldn't figure out why nobody liked me. then she asked the little girls "why don't you like her? just tell her the truth" and they all looked confused and said "i don't know what it is...."
i remember when i was a bit older at another recreational camp, i started following a group of girls around because i was a loner and i was trying to be more social. they put up with me for about a week and then they just said "can you please leave us alone?" that was traumatizing. that's when i realized i was "different".
that was just the beginning. as my peers grew older and i did, i was rejected by group after group after group of friends. when i reached middle school, girls became more compassionate and faked being polite to me, but eventually they would get fed up and avoid me. to this day i am rejected by every group i try to fit in with. every single one ends up hating me. i'm not rude anymore, in fact i'm ver well-mannered and sweet to others. i have basic etiquette and i like to think that every time i am given a fresh new start with new people i won't make any mistakes and that maybe it will be different this time but it's always the same.
it is so depressing to know that i am not liked by anyone. now i'm 19 and i still have no true friends that i can speak of. the two people ive known for a long time are abnormally compassionate individuals who probably pity me too much to leave me be. i can tell they don't really like me because i am the one who is always making plans and i can tell they get slightly annoyed by me in conversations.
i don't know what to do or how i'll ever learn to make friends. i think i want to give up on people. i am so lonely it just...hurts... but i think i'll spare everyone i meet the inconvenience of knowing me.

That's been my solution. I don't mind it that much, really, but it does get boring on occasion.

Truth be told, though, I find most humans every bit as annoying as they find me.

Last edited by Willard on 27 Mar 2010, 5:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I can definately relate to your experiences; I think many people on here can. I also thought I could never find real friends, but I did in just the last couple of years. There are lots of kind, friendly and open-minded people out there, don't give up!

First of all... I would like to say, that the problem is NOT you!
It can be how you do things, but I don't think i know one person who can completely control how they are to others (who they are?).
You are talking about you having a fresh start with people, I think that it's important that they give you another chance too.

I know all this is very difficult, else I wouldn't be here. But keep up fighting, and reeeaally try to think about giving people extra chances.
No matter how bad they screw up, cause they might have had a bad day (or life) too.

It's probably all about finding the right people.
Remember, there is nothing wrong with being any different or to have some days where you like to spend time alone.
Other people can also feel exhausted if you keep talking to them, well of course you do so. I would.

It's hard work, I know.

(This is what I would try to do, and it might of course be completely wrong, but please don't flame me. It's okay to say if you think differently).

yeah, i find other people VERY annoying, too. i don't know if that could be why i act annoying. maybe it's because i don't value the people around me enough to bother seeing myself from their viewpoint. i don't know. i am just better off alone or possibly with someone equally inept but nice if i ever meet someone like that.

I can most certainly identify with what you have experienced... Especially the part where you say "group after group after group" of people rejected you. That was high school for me. It took me until about the age of 23 to realize what MY problem was, in that I don't do well in groups. In high school, there would always be one girl, or one guy that I would meet, and we would click fairly well. They would seem to like me enough to want to "show me off" to their regular group of friends, who would ALL reject me, of course destroying the new singular friendship I had recently acquired.

I practically never make new friends, and have only a few to speak of at the moment, but now I know how to avoid the full-rejection scenario. If it were to happen that I made a new friend, and they wanted me to meet all of theirs, I would oblige, but barely speak at all, and try to only schedule visits with the person on an individual basis from then on. That way, they wouldn't think I was rejecting their friends, but I wouldn't be forced to deal with the inevitable rejection from them, either.

It would be nice indeed if you could meet someone similar to yourself who you could get along with. For me, they have been few and far-between, but I'd rather have a couple of real friends than people I don't really like and find annoying or vice versa.

yes! this is exactly the same pattern i go through with friends. I'll meet one awesome girl at a show or a coffee shop or something and then she'll want the whole group to meet me. that's when disaster sets in because groups make me really nervous... and i act more aspergian than usual when i'm nervous. so then i make a terrible first impression on her friends, they end up disliking me, they tell the friend and the friend has to believe them because they don't know me and they respect their friends' feelings.
do you not do well in groups because they make you feel uncomfortable? do you have trouble keeping up with everyone in one conversation? that is what happens with me.

edit: the SAME thing has happened with my past boyfriends. it's always been because of their friends that we broke up. ='[

Group settings make me inexplicably uncomfortable. Any kind, too... Staff meetings at jobs, organized social events (my family's church gatherings, bizaars, etc), even breakfasts out with a couple close friends and the rest all very familiar acquaintances. I almost always back out of plans at the last minute with some (obvious) excuse or another. /

Also, in group settings, the nervousness has a cyclical effect on me. I am a nervous talker (talk a lot, and quickly by nature, but more so when I'm nervous). And I'm only somewhat aware of it at the time. I have never understood how people can say, "Oh, Jane? Yes, she's a lovely girl. Hardly ever says a thing, and I know absolutely nothing about her, but she is so nice." Also, I am highly opinionated, and have a lot to say on lots of different subjects. At first in a group setting, I will feel that my input is just a hair above standard (i.e. - every one else's), but if I get the notion that people are thinking I'm talking too much, I get nervous, and talk more. Like digging a hole... I can see/hear myself doing it, but I cannot shut myself up.

I do have a few friends who have all told me that (in their opinion) I am not verbose, and besides which, I always have something important to share/bring to the table. So it has always been a matter of finding people that actually like that about me. And in group situations, the odds are virtually non-existent that everyone present is going to like any one other person entirely.

I'm a serially monogamous person myself, (usually only watch one tv-series at a time, even), so I have always just preferred individual, one-on-one time spent with friends, despite my social awkwardness. Very few opportunities presented themselves for that private sort of interaction with friends when I was younger. I always found that younger people wanted to hang out in groups. They preferred them, even. I don't know why. I've tried to read up on group psychology, and I suppose that younger people don't yet have a grasp on their "individual identity," and that by belonging to a group, it gives them some sense of identity, at least. *shrug* I've always had to make friends with people older than myself (usually 4+ years and up), and even now at 25, I can hardly understand/relate to anyone my age. But now that I am a bit older, it seems that people who are in the age-appropriate-range for potential friends are also less inclined toward so many group settings. I know it sucks (and can be interpreted as quite patronizing) to have someone suggest that things might improve with time, but I do hope that the same general life-changes in terms of social tendencies corresponding with age that I have benefited from will happen around you, and in the mean-time, provide you enough hope to not "give up."



I know that with constant rejection with so many people, and throughout the course of one's life, it is all too easy to become paranoid, pessimistic, and think things like this. I could have easily been diagnosed with PPD when I was in high school. I was convinced that even my "seeming" real friends hated me, couldn't stand me, etc... Thing is though, if you've know them for a long time, odds are they are not staying merely out of pity. As compassionate as some people can be, there has to be a time limit on it somewhere.

And I'm always the one making plans with my friends, as well. I think because they know me so well, and know that I can be awkward, and like to keep mostly to myself, that it's easier to just let me contact them. Otherwise, if they called twice a week and wanted to hang out, I'd either shoot them down repeatedly, or take them up on it, and be really aggravated because there are other things I'd rather be doing.

And when it comes to them getting slightly annoyed by you in conversations? I wouldn't put too much negative stock into that, either... I can get SO annoyed with my friends/family at times. One thing in particular, if someone asks me to repeat myself. ERGHH. But it isn't the be-all, end-all. Everyone will on occasion rub someone the wrong way, and again, I think it's highly unlikely to ever find someone (friend or otherwise) where they won't have at least ONE characteristic to which you are not so inclined to like. Try not to over-analyze the two friendships you currently have, if you can help it.



That sucks. That was a common problem for me when I was younger, too. Again, (PLEASE forgive me!) this is something that I noticed became less of an issue as the guys I dated were older. Seems like when they're younger, there's the whole "bros before hoes" mentality (I absolutely loathe that phrase, but it's what they usually say) and then as they mature, they realize, "Wait! I have a brain/mind of my own?! I can make my own decisions/have my own opinions?!?! Hmmm... Nope, I like this girl. My buds will have to deal."

Honestly, I think most people come across as vague and say the same cliches over and over again which mean nothing to me. Honestly, I wish I could just have my shack in the woods similar to Henry David Thoreau. I would have to grow my own food and stuff. I would trade one set of hardships for another and maybe it would be worth it in the end. I can have my peace and quiet. For entertainment I could go to the library once in a while and check out books.

I have little to no real life friends myself. I normally just blend into the background or something no one approaches me unless they believe I have something they want. Which terrible coupled with my shyness.

Ha ha, ain't that the truth. In fact, I find them to be even more annoying than they find me. Of this I am sure.

i've decided, for the most part, that i'm like the unabom[b]er but without the bomb.