Do you have relatives like this?

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KevinLA
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01 Nov 2010, 9:36 pm

Do any of you have relatives that you get in argument with, and when you win the argument, they become more angry?

I don't understand that logic.

If I am on the end of losing an argument, I just admit they are right.



Faidin
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01 Nov 2010, 9:49 pm

Yes. Basically, my entire family is the way you described to varying degrees. I have to word any advice whimsically, as if I too can't believe the wealth of good advice just springing from my lips, if I hope to avoid conflict. When she gets mad, I feign ignorance and indifference. It really sucks that we can just chat on the same level as other people, but I've accepted a long time ago that if I didn't want to be completely alone in life, then I would have to do the lion's share of the handwork that goes into 'appearing' normal enough for the neurotypicals out there to give me a break.

I mean, thing about it like this...and here is where my years in therapy starts to help...who knows what you look like through their eyes when you win these arguments. They could be seeing the o-so-popular arrogance ( a nasty label Aspies are known for) coming out -- or they could just think you are being rude and mean.

Love is the way to working it out though - when everyone is calmed down, ask in a serious manner sometime when you are having a nice, unrelated conversation to talk about one of the times in which you feel they got angry with you unreasonably. See if you can get them, while in good spirits, to give you some feedback on being more friendly when your trying to prove a point about something you believe is correct.

I wish you the best though Kevin!



IdahoRose
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01 Nov 2010, 9:50 pm

My siblings don't get angry when I win an argument, because they never let me win in the first place. I'm always the one who has to back down. I always feel like I'm at the bottom of the pecking order of my family.



Faidin
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01 Nov 2010, 9:57 pm

"I'm always the one who has to back down. I always feel like I'm at the bottom of the pecking order of my family."



That must be an endless source of frustration for you! Hang in there, and I'll tell you from experience, if you keep believing in yourself and moving forward in life - then I'll bet one day they look to you for advice and answers.



KevinLA
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01 Nov 2010, 10:02 pm

Faidin wrote:
Yes. Basically, my entire family is the way you described to varying degrees. I have to word any advice whimsically, as if I too can't believe the wealth of good advice just springing from my lips, if I hope to avoid conflict. When she gets mad, I feign ignorance and indifference. It really sucks that we can just chat on the same level as other people, but I've accepted a long time ago that if I didn't want to be completely alone in life, then I would have to do the lion's share of the handwork that goes into 'appearing' normal enough for the neurotypicals out there to give me a break.

!


Can you elaborate on this?



Titangeek
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01 Nov 2010, 10:08 pm

Arguments are a bit of a sport in my family (literally, i find them fun).


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KevinLA
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01 Nov 2010, 10:13 pm

Have you guys ever been in a situation where you are in an argument, ignore the person trying to defuse the situation, and the other person becomes more angry?



Faidin
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01 Nov 2010, 10:32 pm

The Aspergian point-of-view isn't even fully understood by our doctors yet and is littered with stereotypes and disinformation. I know this, but despite all of the challenges still facing the AS community, we really do have some resources out there to help ground ourselves into an understanding of who we are - and how that person can fit into the bigger picture that is 'our individual worlds.'

Neurotypicals are just as diverse as Aspies, but it can be harder for them to find resources, or the motivation to even look for resources, to help them better cope with and understand who they are. Even a diamond has to be shined and shaped before it's beauty can be appreciated and admired. We, fortunately, I believe have the motivation to keep pushing through life - improving all the way. Life is easier for my family.

I feel, despite having AS as a condition, that I'm mentally ahead of the rest of my family - I guess that's why I just take the high road and refuse to argue. I've let family members make mistakes, after only warning them once - I have a clean conscious at that point. Thing is though if I was to push the issue everytime I thought, or knew, I was right ... I'd be alone.

People want to be heard - even if they are wrong. They aren't being wrong no purpose after all; so we can show tolerance, by example, to various NT ignorant-moments when the appear. I sure am gratefully when I get a free pass when I'm having one of my 'days :)'

Part of what comes with Asperger's is a high IQ and lots of analytical processing power; this is a gift in my opinion that not everyone in life gets to experience.


Cheers o/ :)



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03 Nov 2010, 7:13 pm

That's just an obsessive need to control.



Who_Am_I
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03 Nov 2010, 9:26 pm

Yes. My father. If I make a valid point in an argument, he either changes the subject or tells me to grow up.
It's taken me years to learn that for him, arguing is not about debating a topic, it's about hurting the other person.


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