I don't see the point...

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I know the last thing people want to hear is more of my problems, probably even in this forum. But i don't know that i can keep going for much longer. I mean I feel like even if college goes better this time around and even if I do move into an apartment with my cousin and sister I will still feel like this. Severely depressed and like I don't belong at all. I mean it gets harder and harder for me to care about anything at all. I feel like I don't have much sanity left I'm afraid of myself afraid of the world.......I get anxious whenever I am away from anything i have established as a comfort zone.

I mean all that is holding me back from putting one of my suicidal thoughts into action is that I don't want my family to have to deal with that.....but that alone is not going to be enough for ever. I mean its not like very many people other then them give a crap and even they don't understand me....even they dismiss me as some idiot, they interrupt me when I try to speak and completly ignore me when I try and let them know they interrupted and then accuse me of interrupting them. I am already so burnt out on everything and I know my future is bleak since I am not very competative, can't hold a job, will probably drop out of college agian I have no idea where to go in life.....And NO! I do not have potential yeah sure I pretend that i still care I sometimes even pretend I want to change things and think I have the ability to. But the truth is I think the world sucks, most people are condecending a**holes that will say things that will stay in my mind only to be repeated over and over and remind me of how much of a failure I am.

I mean I will try to make this college thing work, try and make the moving out thing work...but if neither of those work then why shouldn't I just end it?

When things don't work out either you try again or you go to some sort of plan b. You just don't give up. That's the best advice i can give you.

Yeah I know, but I don't know how many more times I can try agian....I am at pretty much the lowest point I could be at, theres just nothing left.

It's a stressful time for you at the moment. Try to hold on and see how you feel once you've moved. A move can change so much. It could make your life 10 times better.

Things do get better. Even if they seem bad at the time.
Although it's a b***h to get out things when they seem bad - but it's worth it!

Yeah I've never given that advice much thought....and now I realise it never really has made any sense. I mean I don't really know what better is. I've felt depressed and isolated for most of my life as far back as I can remember, sometimes I feel numb or on really good occasions maybe mildly content followed by severe depression.

I know exactly how you feel.
Before .. maybe 2 years ago, nothing good ever happened to me. The happiest I probably felt was when I was drunk and high and that was just because I was actually numb.
Now things are eventually bareable and so much better,
Finally taking control and doing the opposite of what i'd been doing before helped me.

Just remember, people around here are always willing to listen and help all they can.

There have been a few good things in my life, but that does not change how I feel. i just don't see anything worthwile about me....and everything is far too overwhelming. And I can't get rid of the suicidal thoughts and things people have said replaying in my mind. I mean how am I supposed to get over that kind of crap when it just keeps coming back back.

Do you have a therapist?
I have one I trust now, and she's amazing and just talking is a big healer.
If you ever need to talk you can PM me (even though they scare me a bit >.<) because I felt exactly like you did a couple of years ago.
Even if it's just to rant and complain. I've always found it helpful anyway.

Yeah I am in counseling, and my counseler does try to help but sometimes I feel like he just does not quite understand or does not realise exactly how much of a struggle it is even to make it through an un-eventful day where I don't have a lot to do. But yeah I have not mentioned this before, but one day I was watching my little brother cause my mom and her bf asked me to.....and he was being kind of a smart a** well it reminded me of how horrible I was treated by other kids in elementary school clearly not his intention, he was just being a kid. But I found myself fighting a really strong urge to hit him in the face. I mean I am not violent and I would never want to hurt a little kid ever.....so it was quite disturbing to me. Little things like that are really starting to freak me out, and only furthering the idea I have that I am losing control. And he does not seem to take things like that seriously I feel like If I told him about that he might just say. 'oh well everyone gets thoughts they don't want' which is very nice and not a huge blow to my self esteem but I was seriously fighting back all the rage I've ever buried inside myself from everything...I am pretty sure the adrenaline rush which was very hard to ignore was not simply a thought.

I get the opposite urge - if i feel under stress I retreat.
You might need a new therapist - it took me ages to find a good one.

Instead of exploding, what you are doing is imploding. -- think about how that word feels.

This is probably half the reason you are depressed. Ask your therapist about letting out anger a little at a time.
or get it out physically, take control of your body,
college is great for finding outlets, run, box, wrestle, join the dance club (they are always looking for guys). Dance was my anger release, express your self, your anger; paint, poetry groups, see what is offered on campus that can give you physical and emotional release.

Don't feel like going, doing it? Tough titties. Do it anyway, do it for yourself.

Well I could not very well hit my little brother, so I had to fight it back....luckily I was able to but I was about ready to go outside and hit my head on something because I would rather do that then then cause harm to a 9 year old. But yeah I never used to really get pissed off but I might have just not recognized the feelings so I did not express them. Sometimes I write, but I always get worried about other people reading it....As for physical activities I have trouble with most of them other then maybe going for a walk which I do. Also, I don't think internal anger is a cause of depression at least in my case. But I guess I should keep writing and walking when I feel the need and talk to my counseler about this. I just don't want him overlooking it as un-important, because for me feeling like I am losing control of my physical actions is a bit disturbing.