Its my lfe that hurts me most

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Sweetleaf
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18 Feb 2011, 8:20 pm

Its the simple truth of the matter........I am not completly suicidal anymore. But I suppose slow suicide is the direction I am going. I don't have potential and if I did its dead and gone, so whats it matter. The second step is becoming more honest about it.....so instead of feeling sorry for me because I have aspergers and other mental problems I wish they would just get over my exestance as it is pretty meaningless. And yet I can't get rid of the feelings of wanting to be good enough(something I've never achevied).......well maybe I can get rid of those feelings.



auntblabby
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18 Feb 2011, 10:02 pm

slow suicide? i suppose most of us are committing some kind of slow suicide, by the definition of taking less than optimal care of ourselves and/or being born with the wrong genes.



jamesongerbil
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18 Feb 2011, 10:22 pm

"As soon as you're born you start dying so you might as well have a good time." -CAKE



Sweetleaf
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18 Feb 2011, 10:25 pm

jamesongerbil wrote:
"As soon as you're born you start dying so you might as well have a good time." -CAKE


Yeah I think I agree with that a little bit too much.



simon_says
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18 Feb 2011, 10:54 pm

One good thing about giving up on your old expectations is that it clears the slate to create new ones. People who really don't give sh*t are free to reinvent themselves.



evil_eyes
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19 Feb 2011, 12:57 am

Gah, I know how you feel. I'm still trying, though. But it's hard. I'm sort of hoping to achieve the kind of numbness that lets me stop caring, but I can't because I'm human =__________=



GoonSquad
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19 Feb 2011, 1:02 am

You need to make peace with the idea that you’re never going to be anything but you. Then, concentrate on being you to the best of your ability…

Make an honest assessment of your assets and liabilities (you do have both). Learn to accept your limits and stop stressing over them.


Also, internalize your goals. If you play tennis, it isn’t reasonable to expect to win every match; you’re just setting yourself up for disappointment. Instead, strive to play the best game you can, win or lose. That’s a goal that is within your grasp, a goal you can always achieve.

90% of life is what you make of it.

The truth is, happiness is a decision…

If you want to live a happy life you can.

Cultivating a sense of gratitude is a good way to find a bit of happiness. As bad as things might seem, I bet you have things to be grateful for. Did you eat today? Do you have a warm, dry, safe place to sleep?

You get the idea…

Since we’re quoting pop song lyrics:

Quote:
Have you ever danced in the rain
Or thanked the sun
Just for shining- just for shining
Or the sea?
Oh no! Take it all in
The world's a show,
And yeah, you look much better,
Look much better when you glow.

Yeah yeah
I hope you heard every word I’ve said.
Yeah yeah
If you've had enough of all your trying
Just give up
The state of mind you're in:

If you want to be somebody else,
If you're tired of losing battles with yourself
If you want to be somebody else,
Change your mind, change your mind.
Change your mind, change your mind.

Hey hey-
what ya say
We both go and seize the day.
'cause what's your hurry,
what's your hurry anyway?

-sister hazel


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nostromo
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19 Feb 2011, 1:20 am

Sometimes I think to myself, I'm sitting on front of a computer..and that is so much better than the time when...



Sweetleaf
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19 Feb 2011, 2:09 am

GoonSquad wrote:
You need to make peace with the idea that you’re never going to be anything but you. Then, concentrate on being you to the best of your ability…

Make an honest assessment of your assets and liabilities (you do have both). Learn to accept your limits and stop stressing over them.


Also, internalize your goals. If you play tennis, it isn’t reasonable to expect to win every match; you’re just setting yourself up for disappointment. Instead, strive to play the best game you can, win or lose. That’s a goal that is within your grasp, a goal you can always achieve.

90% of life is what you make of it.

The truth is, happiness is a decision…

If you want to live a happy life you can.

Cultivating a sense of gratitude is a good way to find a bit of happiness. As bad as things might seem, I bet you have things to be grateful for. Did you eat today? Do you have a warm, dry, safe place to sleep?

You get the idea…

Since we’re quoting pop song lyrics:



Well for me happiness is not much of a decision I have chronic depression, so its not quite so simple. I feel better if I drink or otherwise alter my mind........But of course with that kind of lifestyle I can only expect abandonment, or people forcing themselves upon me because they think I need help. Well maybe I do but I feel like its too late.....I mean i don't know how i will go about living life. sure when i talk to my family I go on about how i want to do well in college and not slip into being on drugs more often then I am sober......but thats not true. I don't care about college or my life but I always end up lying to everyone to the point where i feel totally detatched while I am sitting here saying 'oh yeah I hope I can do alright in college and improve my sitiuation. I mean I don't even feel like Im saying it its like a totally automatic response that everyone buys.



GoonSquad
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19 Feb 2011, 4:00 am

I won’t pretend I know what life is like for you, but I do know a bit about feeling bad.

I’ve been depressed and anhedonic most of my life. Depending on your definition, you can be happy and depressed at the same time.

For me, happiness means minimal stress, and maximum tranquility. You can achieve that sort of happiness by making peace with your limitations and internalizing your goals. (Helping other people, even if it’s just giving a little money to charity, and finding things to feel grateful for really does help as well.)It’s hard work, but it can be done, and it will make life more bearable. Along the way, you might even experience brief periods of actual joy.

It’s okay if you don’t know what/how you want to live your life. Hell, I’m twice as old as you and I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.

Drugging yourself is bad, but you already know that, and you know what you need to do there… The lying is bad too. Dishonesty is just another needless source of stress.

If you don’t want to go to school, DON’T! Just realize that you need to do something (something other than drugs and dwelling on your misery).

I’m sorry. I wish I could be more helpful…


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Sweetleaf
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19 Feb 2011, 2:01 pm

GoonSquad wrote:
I won’t pretend I know what life is like for you, but I do know a bit about feeling bad.

I’ve been depressed and anhedonic most of my life. Depending on your definition, you can be happy and depressed at the same time.

For me, happiness means minimal stress, and maximum tranquility. You can achieve that sort of happiness by making peace with your limitations and internalizing your goals. (Helping other people, even if it’s just giving a little money to charity, and finding things to feel grateful for really does help as well.)It’s hard work, but it can be done, and it will make life more bearable. Along the way, you might even experience brief periods of actual joy.

It’s okay if you don’t know what/how you want to live your life. Hell, I’m twice as old as you and I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.

Drugging yourself is bad, but you already know that, and you know what you need to do there… The lying is bad too. Dishonesty is just another needless source of stress.

If you don’t want to go to school, DON’T! Just realize that you need to do something (something other than drugs and dwelling on your misery).

I’m sorry. I wish I could be more helpful…


Well I am honest with some people, but when ever I talk to people in my family I just end up going on and on about how Im going to do something usefull with myself.......and then afterwards I wonder what all I even said and why. I mean why is it so damn hard for me to just be quiet around them and not say anything. There is nothing true that is worth saying to them. Uhh I mean I am alright at the moment, but this does get to me sometimes. And then of course I did try going mostly sober for a while.........but then I felt like killing myself it was too much to constantly think about and be fully aware of.



Jonsi
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19 Feb 2011, 4:23 pm

You're only 21. You've more potential than any one.



Sweetleaf
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19 Feb 2011, 4:36 pm

Jonsi wrote:
You're only 21. You've more potential than any one.


I should have, but I don't....Trust me the knowledge that I am only 21 and have 'my whole life' ahead of me but am too burnt out to enjoy it is rather painful. I mean I've always been behind socially, physically and as far as size goes(I''m 4'11 and 92 pounds or less, pretty much garantees I won't find a boyfriend if I dress the way I like because I look like I'm 14). The only thing I have ever had going for me is good reading skills(which I lost due to PTSD) and I've been told I seem to be very intelligent which I sometimes doubt.



Jonsi
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19 Feb 2011, 4:51 pm

Height won't matter. If that's you in your avatar you are quite attractive, if you don't mind me saying. You seem quite intelligent from your posts on here, so I assure you your doubts are baseless. You only need to work on your social skills a bit to get a boyfriend. Give yourself some time, if you start actively trying to socialize better, you will in time.

I know from experience that ptsd is hard to overcome, I suffer from a form of it myself. If you don't let it get to you, it won't. You may need to recharge and let it out once in awhile to release, but it'll gradually heal. Don't expect any overnight healing. My personality split at least 13 years ago (Dissociative Identity Disorder is my form of PTSD) and my personalities are only now merging.

You can start learning how to do something. You don't have to have a natural talent to actually have talent in something. You may need to work harder at it, but you can really do almost anything you want. You just need to find something.



Sweetleaf
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19 Feb 2011, 4:58 pm

Jonsi wrote:
Height won't matter. If that's you in your avatar you are quite attractive, if you don't mind me saying. You seem quite intelligent from your posts on here, so I assure you your doubts are baseless. You only need to work on your social skills a bit to get a boyfriend. Give yourself some time, if you start actively trying to socialize better, you will in time.

I know from experience that ptsd is hard to overcome, I suffer from a form of it myself. If you don't let it get to you, it won't. You may need to recharge and let it out once in awhile to release, but it'll gradually heal. Don't expect any overnight healing. My personality split at least 13 years ago (Dissociative Identity Disorder is my form of PTSD) and my personalities are only now merging.

You can start learning how to do something. You don't have to have a natural talent to actually have talent in something. You may need to work harder at it, but you can really do almost anything you want. You just need to find something.


I don't iniciate social interaction usually, I just try and express myself however I can so if I seem intresting to someone they might decide to talk to me....in which case I will be perfectly open to social interaction with them. I just gotta watch out for those people who look for someone to manipulate because I've fallen for that a few times.

As for the PTSD, I have tried to just not let it bother me......but then it just seems to get worse. I mean sometimes Im not too effected by it but at other times its rather overwhelming.

Also I hate that I apparently have no natural talents so no matter what i do I will have to 'work harder' and still be a accused of not working hard enough because of how behind i still am. That being said I know there are a few things I don't suck at but the depression interferes with taking advantage of any skills I do have.



Jonsi
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19 Feb 2011, 5:11 pm

Join the no natural talents club. I've always felt at home with musical instruments, but I have no natural talent for them. :D I am the shittiest sightreader you'll ever meet. The reason why I continue is because I love music, and I love making it. It's my passion. What do you like doing? That may be what you can try doing.

I wish I could help a little more on the PTSD thing. I'm still struggling with it myself. Sometimes it just gets me far, far down. What makes me come back up is music. I guess you could say that developing a passion for something could help. Maybe you could try that?

For socializing, yeah I'm the same. It's really, really hard for me. So I just do what comes natural. I love talking to people and I love people in general, despite the issues. It's a mentality I developed that works. I don't think I could help you socialize better in your case. I think that any attempt at getting better would have to come from you. You can definitely do it too, I think. :D