oh crap...obsessing again....:(

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I thought I was doing better there for awhile, but I'm back in the same old depressing crap, why do I always get rejected, why do people do this (stop talking to me), why can't relationships ever go well for me, blahblahblah...damn, I sometimes wish I didn't have ppl depending on me so I could just do what I want to do and kill myself

This sucks. I am trying so hard and I can't get out of this obsessive crap.

~Kate

*Awkward aspie hug

Thanks I'm still obsessing about the same crap, was up half the night again, couldn't sleep. Ugh.

I'm very sorry you're feeling down again . I don't know what to tell you - I've been obsessing about things in the past and had some nasty relapses, so I know how it can go and sleepless nights are the worst.

Can you spend some time with your kids (other than just taking care of them) or just do something only for yourself, something you like but don't usually have much time for? I usually try to distract myself or get engrossed in some activity to block the thoughts and sort of ground myself in the moment.

I'm very bad at giving advice I'm afraid, suffering it's such a lonely place for me, where no one can really reach me. But I think about you and wish you find some peace.

Thanks for your support. Tomorrow night I'm going to be meeting with a new friend, so hopefully that will go well and help to distract me. I find it stressful but also a little hopeful, and certainly different from sitting at home obsessing about how everything always goes wrong. I'm also going to spend some time with my kids this weekend (fun time) so that will be distracting as well. It's about the only thing I know to do when things get this bad...the only way I was able to get any sleep at all last night was to meditate for a while. After that I was calm enough to fall asleep for a couple of hours. I'm the same way...people complain that they can't reach me and can't help me. I don't know what to do about that. I feel like I'm somehow letting them down because they want to help and it's like there's a vacuum between me and them. Nothing they say really helps. I just wish people who did the "no contact" thing would think about how brutal it is before they did it. I really think they don't know. I have trouble believing most people would really want to inflict that on someone else.

~Kate

I really think they don't realise, I doubt many would do it if they would understand the damage they cause. I also think some of the brutality in their reaction is meant to shield them from guilt, I've seen this happening a lot. I've also seen quite often how people resent those they know they've hurt or mistreated for the same reason. Guilt can be a terrible and destructive force, especially when it's not acknowledged.

"You won't let me help you" is also something I hear a lot. It bothers me as I don't do it to reject others. My own emotions seem to function in a different way and what they suggest and offer just doesn't work for me. I usually end up trying to hide I suffer as it's easier like that in a way, at least I don't have to face the exasperation caused by this incapacity to share my pain. Sometimes the best help you can get from others is to just let you be.

I hope you have a nice weekend than, I had some deadlines and I'm in dire need of one myself.

I think that's why I was having so much trouble last night. All day I was trying not to let other people know I was hurting, trying to act "normal" so nobody knew, then at night when everyone went to bed the obsessions just wouldn't stop. Other people don't seem to understand that I literally CAN'T "just get over it". I am trying as hard as I can, doing everything I know how to do. The last time somebody I cared about cut off contact with me like this, without adequate explanation, it took me a year to get "semi-normal" (not distressed or crying every day) again, 5 years before I could stop thinking about it every day, and 10 years before it stopped affecting me significantly...and that wasn't a romantic relationship at all, but a best friend nonetheless. That happened in the 1980s. Now, back then, there wasn't even a diagnosis of AS, I didn't know what the hell was going on, and I was a lot younger...BUT, nobody seems to GET it. They give me all these suggestions that work for NTs and they don't work for me. Then I end up feeling bad because they get frustrated with me. Argh. Easier not to even talk to them.

Just venting...

~Kate

*hug*

It's one of the reasons I find many people exhausting - if I'm honest about my emotions, I usually get weird or confused looks. With rare exceptions, if I try to explain it gets worse, so I just end up saying what I know it's expected of me to be done with it. The situation is so fake and contrived to me it's almost grotesque, while others seem totally oblivious and respond in a positive way . I even made this mistake here and now I know better.

Sadly, that often pushes me to avoid an emotional connection altogether and only talk about it with those I'm very close to. I have some problems with alexithymia and have to make a deliberate effort to acknowledge my emotions, the hiding and faking alienates me from myself too much.

I see you're diagnosed, do you have access to any kind of help from someone who understands AS?

Yes, what IS up with that. You would think that with further explanations things would be clearer. I'm with you on this.

I do have a therapist I like a lot, but she's expensive I'd be seeing her weekly if it weren't for the cost, but I've been seeing her about once or twice a month because I can't afford any more.

I also have a lot of issues with alexithymia, sometimes to the point of not being able to even speak when it concerns emotions. Funny, that from someone able to learn languages as I can...argh. Frustrating. What is depressing is the ex understood that and was patient with it, and now he won't even speak to me

On a brighter note, I started feeling better from my flu (yeah, my immune system has suffered from all the emotional stress and I've been sick multiple times) and I did meet my new friend last night for a couple of hours. It went well and I was able to forget about the ex for a little while due to the distraction. I've also been doing more with Romanian and preparing for my trip to Romania as I've been starting to get better, so that helps to distract as well.

~Kate

Well, she's expensive, but we're not! If ever you need some sympathetic ears, we're here.

And please continue doing your videos, whenever you need a distraction. You're helping people worldwide, and are spreading the Romanian culture across the globe. I wouldn't be enjoying it so much, nor would I get an A today were it not for your videos.

And your ex obviously has some issues that have nothing to do with you. *hugs*

It's interesting, as I also have an ease with languages and love studying them... that's actually how I make a living . But what I like is the mechanism itself, the differences and subtleties specific to each of them. I've always seen language as a means to express thoughts and describe things, not emotions. In adolescence, I was fascinated with psychological analysis of characters (in books) the same way you read an appliance user-manual if that makes sense to you. Reading a lot helped me in the long run to express myself much better, including my emotions, but I've been told I talk about them in a very detached way, as if they belong to someone else. Complicated, huh?

Well, I'm glad that you have a good therapist, even if you can't see her as much as you'd need, at least you can count on some help. And making plans, that's also a good thing for you now

Booyakasha is right, just come back to this thread when you need to vent. I won't be online this weekend, but I'll keep checking on it and talk to you if you feel like.

What other Romanian authors do you like? I'm familiar with a few - when you don't have many opportunities to speak a language, reading can compensate a lot. Can you find Romanian books where you live or order online?

*I know how much you love grammar so be patient with my mistakes, I'm not a native speaker and due to my profession I usually speak Babylonian by the end of the day*

I actually agree about language, that it's a means to express thoughts/describe things. When it comes to emotions...words don't come or if they do, they're wrong.

I have been able to find some Romanian language books on Amazon.com. I just started to read Casa lui Kafka by Gabriela Popa a couple of days ago. So far I like it. Do you have any other recommendations?

Don't worry about the grammar...I am certainly a geek but I don't tend to be hypercritical about it

@Booyakasha...CONGRATS on getting an A (happy dance!) Helping with Romanian was a welcome distraction from obsessing about the ex

~Kate

I'm not familiar with Gabriela Popa. I like Mircea Eliade a lot, he writes beautifully. Also Nichita Stanescu, especially since you seem to love poetry. Going there will be a good occasion for you to buy some books.

Booyakasha, are you also studying Romanian? What are the odds of that And kudos on your grade!

Thanks, I'm a somewhat older student of Latin and Romanian.

And yes, I feel very lucky for stumbling on Kate, and she is more useful than she realises! She makes great videos of Romanian music (translated to English) which makes my studying much more enjoyable. Were it not for her and her videos, not to mention her help with the language I definitely wouldn't have learned as much as I did. (It's somewhat odd language since it's the only (remaining) eastern romance language, which has up to 30% Slavic elements and it's an only romance language that still has remnants of Latin inflection - or is it due to later Slavic influence? Linguists are still dwelling on that matter. It is also the only romance language that has postponed definite article, like Greek, Bulgarian and surrounding Slavic languages, so it's a member of Balkan Language Union. It is also somewhat more related to Italian - but only to it's southern dialects, along the Spezia Remini line - like verbs in "esc", and the fact that it makes plural nouns from Latin nominative plural, unlike the western Romance languages that make it from Latin accusative plural.)



This has been posted before, but deserves to be posted again. It's actually a poem by George Bacovia, Romanian symbolist poet.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=igDfucElsYk[/youtube]

And my ultimate favourite:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BNl3ZaYLdzc[/youtube]


I'd recommend M. Eminescu as well, one of Romanian and European greatest poets, with his poem Luceafarul which is the longest love poem in the world.