I want out. This sucks.

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I'm in the Navy and just got diagnosed with Aspergers. It sucks. I mean, I've known I've had something wrong with me since I was a small child, but now I have a firm diagnosis. I thought it was going to be liberating, but it's not. It just confirms why I'm sad and having meltdowns all the time but I can't get out of it for 3.5 years. I feel like I'm stuck with this. I just need my family but I can't get to them.

This entire year and a half I've been in the Navy has been miserable. I feel like this is the worst mistake I've ever made in my life. At first it started with screaming temper tantrum type meltdowns, but then it sort of morphed into depression meltdowns; I think this happened because I felt like no one could hear me. Or rather everyone was hearing me, but they weren't listening. I even ended up hospitalized twice: once for a panic attack and once because I was thinking about suicide. I spent a weekend in the mental hospital at Naval Medical Center San Diego and it was the most terrible experience of my life, really scary.

Everybody said that this was homesickness and the first year was always the toughest; that I'd get over it. But it's been more than a year and I still feel miserable. I've been going to see a psychologist, but he keeps trying to convince me that I need to stay in. I feel like even if I advocate for myself (which would be a difficult thing to do in and of itself), it won't work because Asperger's is not something physical or tangible; it's not a physical injury or deformity that you can readily see.

I need my family and I just want to go home. I would give anything for that. Any encouragement or advice would be greatly appreciated.

They told me since young I could not serve because of my disabilities. I'd honestly have lots of transitional problems but if a persistent duty I'd likely do well. However you are lucky because you get to serve your country when others with autism are not allowed to. This is an honor and if you openly serve as a person with ASD it may help others get this job opportunity. With a little bit of understanding when needed I believe people with high functioning forms of autism can serve their countries in many forms and can be valued assets to national security.

Personally I'd have no interest in seeing much of family.

Wow Sarah, I feel really bad for you and am actually amazed - well horrified - that the Navy has not discharged you after your many mental health issues and hospitalizations. I was under the impression that a person couldn't even be in the U.S. Armed Forces if they were diagnosed with a form of autism, and certainly I would have thought problems like yours requiring hospitalization would have made them discharge you for mercy's sake if no other reason. What would happen if you were to just desert? Is that a possibility for you or are you stuck at sea or something? Then if they tried to hand you legal repercussions you could challenge them in court. This is is a matter of your health and well-being.

Of course I'm not a legal expert and it seems like the ideal route would be to get a lawyer who could make the case to get you out of your commitment.

In the meantime I just feel terrible for you and I'm sorry you're going through this and feel free to PM me anytime if you think I might be of some help or you just want someone to talk to.

Hi Sarah13,

Sorry to hear about your situation.

I don't know if the following link will be useful to you or not. It's looks written to explain how AS can affect a person who is serving in the military. There's contact information for the author at the end.

http://www.aspires-relationships.com/ar ... litary.htm

Good luck, the military is rough so leave it to the people who can handle it.

I wasn't diagnosed with it before I came in. But my whole family is on the spectrum (mom, dad, brother, stepdad), so it doesn't surprise me that I'm not any different. I think that since we're all dealing with the same thing, that is why it went unnoticed for so long; my behaviors kind of blended in with everyone else's, but then when I got away from home is when it finally became apparent.

I would never desert or go UA because that could destroy any future I may have. When you go UA you pretty much can't get a job anywhere, and you can't get financial aid for colleges. I am currently working with my psychologist, but there's a lot of hoops (both diagnostic and administrative) that you have to go through to get a medical discharge. The way that Navy Medical works is that you pretty much have to be dying before they give you any real help. My supervisor is going through the same problem with Navy Medical because he has a degenerative joint issue but they keep making him jump through hoops and they won't diagnose him, because if he were diagnosed then the Navy would have to pay him medical benefits. It would be the same for me because this was something that I had never been diagnosed with before I joined and it was aggravated by military service. I mean, I had sensory issues and meltdowns before I left home, but the meltdowns were fewer and farther between and I could usually recover from them in a day. Now I'll have meltdowns that it will take days to recover from.

Peko - yeah, I see your point about it being a chance to prove people with ASD's can be in the military. I think if a rule exists barring us, it should not.

on the other hand -

Sarah - you seem to be in a lot of distress and personally I would do whatever it takes to get out of this situation so that you can regain your health. If the Navy is indeed making you and others with serious verifiable health issues jump through hoops to be discharged for these conditions, that is absolutely horrible and indefensible (morally definitely and legally hopefully), and further makes no sense (not to sound callous, but what use are ill people incapable of performing their duties to the Navy?).

As for you not having a future if you desert - I am wondering what kind of future you want to have specifically. I believe that some of the more progressive colleges will be willing to work with you on a one-on-one basis to make it so that you do have financial aid once they know your unique situation. Of course this sounds idealistic of me, but my university (from which I'm still not graduated) has been willing to work with me in so many unexpected ways because of my issues. I noticed that you listed photography and writing as your interests - those are actually fields that you have a lot of options in that don't even necessarily have to involve credentials, or anyway institutions that would care if you had deserted from the Navy. If you wanted to have careers in either or both of those, I mean. (I know this for a fact because I have zero credentials but am starting to make money with freelance writing.)

Anyway, again you are in a really tough situation but if I were you (which I'm not): I'd desert immediately for your own health. If even your supervisor can't get treated appropriately by the Navy, I can't see how they're ever going to give you the medical discharge you need.

You may want to consider sticking with the navy until your term is up. I say this because the benefits you get from having been in the navy would be very helpful to you through the rest of your life.

This is out of military.com:

"You may be eligible for compensation if you were wounded, injured or became ill while on active duty in the Armed Forces. Pre-existing injuries or illnesses which were aggravated by military service are also covered. Although most service-connected disabilities show up during or soon after military service, some conditions may not have appeared at all or appeared but were not too "disabling" until many years after you got out of the service."

I don't know how stressful it is for you or if you are able to pull through until the term is over .. or if perhaps you can request to be assigned to duties more suited to you (and having the Dx should help there) ... its your decision.

You may be eligible for an Honorable Discharge with Hardship Leave that covers the remainder of your tour. Start asking those questions.

PS: Going AWOL is a guaranteed Court Marshall. You may get a Dishonorable Discharge with that if they don't want to incarcerate you first. Not even McDonald's will hire you with a Dishonorable Discharge.

I'm sorry, this does not sound good. I don't know what you can do. I got luck when I was in the army. I had a temper, one time resulting in bunks being turned over and wall lockers being flipped to the ground. This was long before anyone would have heard of AS. I did ok socially, but everyone thought of me as being quiet and sticking to myself. I got lucky. My first sergeant took a special interest in me and pretty much told the other people in the company to cut me some slack. If they let me do things on my own, I could soldier-on just like anyone else.

It was also easier to get out then, before September 11th. I got out a year early and after a time, did receive an honorable discharge.

I hope you can find someone like First Sergeant Williams. Without him, I never would have made it.

do you still get VA benefits if you are honorably discharged early?

I'd think having VA benefits would be insanely good for someone with AS...not to mention they extend to your kids and if they have AS too.. well.. big help there.

Worth suffering a couple of years for in my opinion.

I was told that I wasn't eligible because of ADHD and psychosis. I'm surprised they let you in, with family members that have neurological disabilities-apparently they counted my father's bipolar against me because if he had it I might get it once in the service. They also interviewed my HS teachers and then they couldn't let me go fast enough. I'm really surprised they haven't given you a medical discharge yet. There's no shame in a medical discharge that I'm aware of. My grandfather was given one because his appendix burst like two months before he was to ship out to WW2. You need to advocate for yourself and get the navy to realize they made a mistake. If you can't get an honorable discharge, get a medical one, point out that you've already been in the loony brig twice and you haven't even been deployed yet. Desertion is an automatic court martial and many years in the brig, then your life really will be ruined. Most aspies really aren't military material, we don't have the mental stamina and endurance needed for it.