I think I need professional help.

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Here's the thing. I don't have insurance, and I don't have the money to spend out of pocket. I have very little experience with professionals because I never admitted that there was anything wrong with me that I couldn't handle myself.

And most of the time, I'm fine. I have difficulties, but I get absorbed in my own little world where I avoid these difficulties and pay no mind to them.

So now, my SO goes away on a business trip. It's not a big deal. It happens a couple times a year. But this time, I completely fall apart. I realize that he is the ONLY friend I have in the whole damned world, and the rest of the world wouldn't even notice if I ceased to exist. I've been sitting around the house crying since yesterday, only yesterday I was trying to hide it in order to not upset him. (He left this morning.)

I can't talk to him about not having friends because it upsets him. He seems to think that it's my fault, that I've had plenty of opportunities but I don't take them or something. He doesn't understand just how difficult it is for me. In fact, we had fights about this years ago, and I asked, "Is there something wrong with me?" and he replied, "I don't know." He doesn't care anymore that I don't have friends, but he still doesn't want to discuss it.

I've tried making friends with his friends, but the most that ever happens is that they allow me tag along when they go somewhere. I never connect with them. They never initiate anything with me, and half the time they don't even respond if I reach out to them. I've tried going to meet-ups and joining groups in order to meet new people. I have a huge difficulty with those though, because I can't talk in a group. I get totally overwhelmed and can't keep track of any conversation, so I just sit there on the outside. I've gone to coffee shops where people hang out, but if I try to talk to anyone there, they make it glaringly obvious that they are not interested in conversing. I'm terrified of meeting people from online, because I had a stalker once that I acquired that way. I can't even manage to make friends online anyway. All the friends I'd managed to make when I was taking classes have dumped me, mostly without explanation. I can't afford to take more classes.

I don't understand what it is about me that makes me so undesirable. I don't know how to connect with people. When I think I do it, they tell me they don't know me at all. Well, why?? I've been told that I don't "share" myself. What does that mean?? I talk about myself all the time, probably too much. Is that not sharing? Why am I completely invisible?

Like I said, most of the time, I'm totally fine and happy. But right now, it really, really hurts, and I don't know how to make it stop. I'll probably feel better in a day or 2 when I get distracted by something shiny.

I don't expect anyone to have anything to say. After all, I never know what to say when other people are hurting. But I had to get it out somewhere, and there really isn't anywhere else I can do it. So thanks for the space to do it.

I have nothing to offer, except the knowledge that I know what you mean, and you're not the only one who feels that way sometimes.

Ditto.

Thanks. Even knowing I'm not alone does help. I appreciate it.

Honestly, this almost seemed like something I would've written, except I've never had a significant other, though I live with my family.

The only thing I can tell you though is that the feeling does pass eventually, and (having never done this myself, I don't mean to sound preachy) that's probably when you should take the initiative to go get professional help.

Good luck

Yeah, I often get a bit out of sorts when I get the house to myself, it's suddenly feels lonely, but then I adjust.

I think it is well worth thinking about your situation. Being a bit too dependent on one person for your social life can be a bit dicey, particularly when they go out of your life for whatever reason, as you've found out.

Without hanging out with you, I can't give you any real advice about how to handle socialising better. Maybe you can give it more attention, put it to analysis. Experiment. Read some books, maybe discuss particular problems you discover here. Maybe your partner doesn't want to talk about it because he recognises there's something difficult about it. Maybe you're both taking the path of least resistance, where really you do need to think about it and work with it a bit.

I think you're a cool guy Zen, but maybe there is something a bit distant about you, something a bit impersonal perhaps? Maybe you could stand to share more/differently. Maybe you're not very in touch with 'yourself', and that's why you don't share 'yourself'. I don't know, just throwing some ideas around.

o boy, i understand so well. i just started therapy to learn to care for myself better. i always thought i had a very well-balanced relationship, but after talking with my therapist, she is helping me to understand that my 16 year marriage (20 years together) is an unbalanced relationship almost like a caregiver and patient. he is my best friend and he is always there for me, but it is exhausting for him to be my *everything*.

i don't keep friends well as they peel away after a year or two. i think it must also be exhausting to be my friend, which is different from the impression people got from you, that you are not open to them. nonetheless the result is the same brand of loneliness.

(((hugs)))

Zen

You are not alone. Your message had so many analogies with my own experiences. Your story has shared a little of yourself with the community here. It brought a tear to my eye.

I am also without friends and in a new country. I have always found it difficult to make friends. If we were in that coffee shop together I imagine that we would avoid each other with the same rigour, both fearful of making a connection.

I have been lucky though in that, once I do make a friend, that friendhip tends to be strong and long lasting. I have developed a cynical view of this. I tend to meet future frends through my wife or through work. My friendships have started not because people have liked me for who I am but through my having something to offer. I have a number of skills (probably developed through my AS) that are useful to others. On reflection, I have beeen able to help each of my long standing friends at least once, early in our friendship. If I looked at things negatively, I could come to the conclusion (perhaps I have) that I am a friend only in case I may be useful again in the future.

Outwardly I am not the best person to be friends with. I am now old overweight and ugly, I am not the best conversationalist and I have been accused of not sharing myself (Like you, I don't understand what it is I don't share.) and my interests are solitary.

I've never had professional help. I'm just starting to get something going in a last ditch attempt to rekindle my marriage. I am seeking professional help mainly to help my wife rather than me. I have unknowingly caused her stress and hurt over the years in ways that I don't understand. I hold onto the belief that I am a nice person. I alway endevour to do the right thing for others. I'm very experienced in getting things wrong though and not understanding why.

Keep believing in yourself. On the positive side, your SO is there for you when not working away. I expect that he is there because he can see the real you.

Good luck and best wishes

Thanks, kepheru.

You may be right about that. I tend to analyze myself logically and get frustrated when I feel something that isn't logical. That's probably not being very in touch. Thanks for the kind words.


Yes, that is exactly how it is for me too. I realized it because he commented on it once, but even though he says he doesn't mind, I worry about it. I just don't really know how to do things differently. (((hugs))) back


It's so frustrating when you try so hard to do the right thing and it always turns out to be the wrong thing. Good luck to you as well. I definitely understand the feeling. I also have had "friends" because of something I could do for them, but then they disappeared once it was done.