There is an old joke that goes something like this:
Patient: "Doctor it hurts when I do this."
Doctor: "Then don't do that!"
Well, I understand your situation. It is very familiar to me, as I have been there too and done some things that are definitely not good by any standard! What is done is done and we can't go back and change things. Dwelling on the past accomplishes nothing. The thing is to learn from our mistakes and try not to make the same ones again. What matters is who and what we are now and what we may be in the future. Remember, the future you is up to you to decide.
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"A man needs a little madness...or else...he never dares cut the rope and be free."
Nikos Kazantzakis, ZORBA THE GREEK
Some of us just have a little more madness than others!