Don't know why friend got mad. What did I do?

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kotshka
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15 Jul 2011, 2:09 pm

I'm extremely confused and somewhat upset by something that just happened... A friend of mine owns a small corner store just outside my apartment building. I had bought a beer there earlier today and we chatted a bit. I've been in a good mood today. I drank the beer at home and felt it a little more than usual, but that was fine - I haven't drunk much this week or eaten much today so it made sense, and I was already in a good mood so I just enjoyed it. I went back to the shop for another beer and my friend told me I looked drunk. I said I hope not, since I've only had one drink. He continued, straight-faced, that he knew I got drunk every night, someone told him. I was totally confused - I don't drink much at all. I asked him who told him that and he said it doesn't matter, he knows it's true. I said in return, still smiling - I hadn't lost my good mood - that he must be drunk if he thought that. He said, again totally seriously, that he was NOT drunk. I said yeah, yeah, sure you're not, with a sort of wink and smile. Then he exploded. He started yelling at me. "You think I'm f*ing drunk right now? Is that what you f*ing think? What the f* is f*ing wrong with you you f*ing say this to me?"

Important background information: this guy drinks a LOT. All of my friends do. I don't have any problem with it and I've never made fun of him about it before.

I backed off, told him he should calm down and I didn't know why he was so mad, and went inside. I asked my flatmate (much closer friends with this guy than I am) if anything was wrong with him, and he said nothing he knew of. A few minutes later he went out for a drink as well. When he came back he told me that this guy had exploded because I was making fun of him and he didn't like it.

That's it. He was making fun of me, I made fun of him in return, and he exploded. Apparently there's nothing more to it than that. I don't get it. Why is it perfectly OK for people to make fun of me, but not for me to do it in return? Why would someone get angry out of nowhere for a very mild tease with nothing behind it? What he was saying about me getting drunk every day is a lot more offensive in my opinion. I'm SO frigging confused. My flatmate shrugged his shoulders when I told him this and said "Yeah, you make fun of people a lot and they don't like it." But those same people make fun of me CONSTANTLY and I never give them s**t about it. What the hell kind of double standard is this? Is it because I'm a girl? Or because I'm American and they're Czech?

Now my good mood is destroyed. And I don't get such nice good moods very often.



K-R-X
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15 Jul 2011, 2:17 pm

I hate drinking, I should start with.

The rest of it though, I can totally identify with. I haven't run into this for some years, but my entire teen years and early adulthood was plagued by situations like that. Why the hell can people make fun of me and everyone will ignore it, but I say one thing once in good humor and everyone jumps all over me for it? It makes no sense.

My solution to this was to just be in a bad mood all the time. Problem fixed. :evil:

(and I'm only half joking)



wizzynoo
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15 Jul 2011, 2:41 pm

I dont know about any of the other situations where people havent taken lightly with your teasing, and vise versa, but I will comment on this situation as you have described it. It appears that you wernt offended when he said you were drunk, as you knew you wernt, and you wernt offended when he said you are known for getting drunk every night, as you know you dont, but when you said that he was drunk, he did get offended as you may have hit a raw nerve, and maybe too close to the truth and he didnt think it funny, regardless if you said it jokingly and whilst smiling. Maybe he is also a horrible type of person who likes to be critical but hates people being critical back. But thats his problem and not yours,. so try not to let it bother you, and dont dwell on it.


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kotshka
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15 Jul 2011, 2:52 pm

Well according to my flatmate, this guy really wasn't drunk, in fact hasn't had a single drink, though normally on a Friday night he would be. I've encountered almost the exact same sort of exchange many times - someone insults me, I accept it as a normal part of human interactions and laugh along with them, then tease them back, and they go mental on me.

My flatmate says that the reason he exploded is that I had made fun of him in the past about drinking (though I don't remember it) and he had "held in his anger" until I finally went one step too far and he exploded. But first of all, how am I supposed to know something bothers him if he doesn't tell me or give any indication that he's not laughing along with me? And anyway how can he get so angry about being made fun of about something that is 1. true and 2. something he makes fun of *other* people about all the time?

And, most importantly of all, why is he mad at *me* for making fun of him about this, but he never gets mad of anyone else for teasing him about the exact same things? Presumably I do something differently, but WHAT??? And how the hell can I know if no one tells me?

My flatmate is saying that I often tease people in some sort of cruel or vicious way, but he can't explain how my teasing is any different from anyone else's. If anyone has any insight about this I'd be truly grateful to hear it.



wizzynoo
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15 Jul 2011, 2:59 pm

Does the problem only happen if you ( female) is making fun of a male, or does it always happen regardless of whether they are male or female. i was just thinking that maybe if its only with males, maybe it reminds them of their mothers and them being scolded, so they react to it. Only a thought, it might not be the reason.


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kotshka
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15 Jul 2011, 3:04 pm

That's a tough question to answer. I don't talk to females very often. I feel like I have the same experience with girls too, but I can't think of a concrete example off the top of my head.



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15 Jul 2011, 3:10 pm

I have to say, in this situation I'd be extremely confused myself... Their anger seems very irrational. I have a feeling that the guy wasn't told by anyone that you drink every night, it's just that he alone thinks that and he just wants to make it seem like it's more people than just him who think it. I really don't know though.



kotshka
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16 Jul 2011, 5:22 am

Well I was up half the night feeling frustrated and upset. I keep hearing about aspies who start doing very well, start fitting in okay, start thinking maybe they've even completely overcome their problems and can be "normal" now, then suddenly they realize that they are not even close to normal and never will be and revert back. I think this is one of those times for me. I put more effort and energy into trying to appear normal than these people put into their whole lives, and what is it all for? I'm 26 and suddenly I feel I haven't made any progress at all. The world feels more alien than it has in a long time and I feel more alone than ever. I think I'm ready to give up on this group of people. I thought they all accepted me despite my oddness because they're all a bunch of freaks anyway - junkies and drunks and DJs and just generally odd people. But if I stand out in THAT group, what kind of chance do I have to ever be really "normal"?

The guy just came into my apartment to tell my flatmate something. Here I am sitting on the sofa at my computer, already having decided to give him the cold shoulder and just ignore him from now on, and he walks by and casually says "hi" as though nothing happened. Another choice to make... Do I let it go and continue the same old struggle, or do I just stop communicating with this group of people and spend more time alone and risk further depression?



susiewho
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16 Jul 2011, 6:24 am

he so8unds like a psycho



kotshka
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16 Jul 2011, 6:32 am

Well that's a bit extreme I'd say. I've known the guy for two years and I've seen him yell at a friend now and then over owed money that hadn't been paid back, but otherwise I've never seen him like this. He's certainly never yelled at me. Most of the time he's very laid back and friendly. That's why I was so confused when he just exploded at me.

My flatmate says that he had been holding in frustration with me over the stuff I sometimes tease him about (namely, the same stuff he teases me about, and the same stuff everyone in this group of friends teases each other about). I said if he doesn't like something I say, why doesn't he just tell me? How am I supposed to know he doesn't like it if he doesn't give me any indication? My flatmate's response was that some people talk about what bugs them (referring to me, and he hates how I talk about how I'm feeling/what I'm thinking all the time), and some people just hold it in and don't bother others with it until it's too much and they explode. (He was referring both to our mutual friend and to himself with that part, which he seemed to view as the "correct" way of doing things.) But that doesn't make sense! Why would you hold it in only to explode in someone's face when they have no idea you're even upset? Why do people DO that?



wizzynoo
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16 Jul 2011, 10:58 am

kotshka wrote:
Well that's a bit extreme I'd say. I've known the guy for two years and I've seen him yell at a friend now and then over owed money that hadn't been paid back, but otherwise I've never seen him like this. He's certainly never yelled at me. Most of the time he's very laid back and friendly. That's why I was so confused when he just exploded at me.

My flatmate says that he had been holding in frustration with me over the stuff I sometimes tease him about (namely, the same stuff he teases me about, and the same stuff everyone in this group of friends teases each other about). I said if he doesn't like something I say, why doesn't he just tell me? How am I supposed to know he doesn't like it if he doesn't give me any indication? My flatmate's response was that some people talk about what bugs them (referring to me, and he hates how I talk about how I'm feeling/what I'm thinking all the time), and some people just hold it in and don't bother others with it until it's too much and they explode. (He was referring both to our mutual friend and to himself with that part, which he seemed to view as the "correct" way of doing things.) But that doesn't make sense! Why would you hold it in only to explode in someone's face when they have no idea you're even upset? Why do people DO that?


I imagine that everyone treats a situation differently and maybe he is the type that doesnt want people to see that he is bothered and upset when someone takes the p***. Then he would get fustrated and then mad, when things get on top of him. Maybe some other people dont like your sense of humour, but pretend that they dont mind, yet inside, it hurts them. You wouldnt have any way of knowing that, but maybe they arnt the types to say it to your face, incase you do it more, knowing they dont like it.


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Lahmacun
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21 Jul 2011, 7:03 am

His response to you is baffling in all sorts of ways. I'm not sure why he held in his anger first and then was explosively angry at you, but he did. Many people have a "slow burn" setting in their psyche and can take lots of ribbing and appear to not let it bother them, but then one day there's just that "last straw" and they tip over the edge and explode. For those people, releasing a bunch of pent-up anger at once is a relief, and then they can go back to their usual "laid back" selves, and the cycle repeats itself.

Clearly, this guy is pretty touchy about the subject of drinking. Perhaps it's because he is secretly an alcoholic and is very defensive about it due to denial. Perhaps he's not, but he has a lot of emotion around the subject of drinking because he's been through the mill by other alcoholics, like a parent. Anyway, what you know now is that when it comes to this subject, he can "dish it out but can't take it." He wants things to normalize between the two of you (i.e. he wants to pretend he never exploded, and doesn't want you to call him on it, and wants to smooth it over by pretending it never happened). This is also a way that many exploders deal with their explosions...they never want to be held accountable for their harsh words or actions. It's your call whether you want to have anything more to do with him, and if so, on what terms. One thing you do know for sure, now, is that alcohol is a "hot button" for him and it's best just to avoid it altogether! People aren't perfect, and sometimes we have to just acknowledge their weaknesses and choose to overlook them by not putting them in situations where they are likely to expose those weaknesses. I'm sorry he laid into you, though...it's shocking and disturbing whenever that happens, especially when you can see the overt hypocrisy of it all.



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21 Jul 2011, 9:10 am

In situations like this you usually don't find out what motivated the action. Lots of thoughts could of been swimming through the guys head that day, and he probably doesn't remember why he got upset...ever been upset at somebody but not remembered how it all began? Sometimes we earmark people to receive certain attitudes from us without retaining why the decision was made. Happens. People have bad days when a convenient opening to vent is taken.

You know that you have done nothing wrong. That should be enough. Be civil to him. And remember that if you are kind to him regardless, he may soften and attempt to recall why he got upset at you in the first place. Even if he is stubborn, like most humans, and continues to be irrationally abrasive towards you to save face, he will eventually see you as the better person that was kind to him in return for his angst and much respect will be yours. Unless he is a pr*ck, in which case there is little you can do besides keeping in mind that you are truly blessed for not being like him.

Also, while I think of it, I'm pretty sure that acts of aggression with no obvious motive stem from feelings of insecurity, jealousy, or rejection which you may of somehow invoked in him.

Or I could just be rambling...